This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register. Dire times indeed.
When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.
Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan? Because there's a target on every corner
There are no Walmart stores in Syria Only Targets.
Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays... Free of charge
Was kicked out of Walmart today. When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.
I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs. "Aisle B, back"
Why did Walmart go out of business in Iraq? Because there are too many targets.
Why is there no Walmart in Afghanistan? Because there is a target on every corner.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."
My good deed for the day
In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you’ve got to help out so I helped her put it all back.
Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018 Putting 12 cashiers out of work
I heard they don't have any Walmart or K-marts in Syria. Only Targets.
Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll. I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.
What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common? They both have kids pants half off.
Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...? It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.
What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? They both have little boys' jeans half off.
A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart The Texas Chain Store Massacre
I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined.. So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back
Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas? The Walmart that got turned into a Target.
The local Walmart was giving out batteries They were free of charge
Minding my own business Sitting in recliner naked, watching a movie, eating icecream & doritos, minding my own business & f*ckin Walmart calls the cops, smh
What is the difference between a Walmart employee and a large pepperoni pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.
My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks... I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and three. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.
What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common. They both have boys pants half off.
I went into walmart to buy the album "Get Rich or Die Trying" but I had to dispute the price when it rang up for ten dollars... ... because it clearly says 50 Cent on it.
Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies
Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning She was down to her final 4!!!
If the NRA had its way, there would be no more Walmart stores... ...but there’d be Targets everywhere.
what do kevin spacey and walmart have in common? They both have small boys pants at half off!
I bought a thesaurus from Walmart and the pages were blank.. I have no words to describe how angry I am
What's 30 feet long and has 4 teeth? The cashier line at an Alabama Walmart
Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers? About 200 pounds.
You know how stores move stuff around? Target and Kroger do it for strategy but Walmart does it to keep you in there.
I have really bad memory I'm never buying computer parts from Walmart again
Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section. Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.
During this time of quarantine I have been in touch with my inner self daily. This is the last time I will ever buy Walmart brand toilet paper.
Little Johnny is in math class
The teacher asks him :
- Walmart sells two dozen bottles of wine at $2 a bottle, how much is that ?
- At home, it's about four days ma'am!
Someone at Walmart asked if I wanted to donate a dollar to fight hunger But I was already buying pizza rolls!
What is the difference between a Walmart and a hooker? At Walmart, more plastic always makes it cheaper.
They say you “live and learn”... ...have you seen the people at a Walmart lately? Only thing they’ve learned is multiple wrong ways to wear the mask
My dad works in Heating and Air Ventilation in a Walmart He gets asked if he works there, he says no I'm a huge Fan
What do you call an essential Walmart employee? A Walmartyr.
I needed new false walls for my new house. Unfortunately Walmart did not live up to its name.
Did I tell you I just got into the business world? Yeah, I bought a steak in Walmart
I heard Walmart stores were so busy on Friday that they opened a second register! Sounds like a picnic compared to O'hare Airport yesterday!
So I was at Walmart today and got one pack of toilet paper Then someone pulled their car up beside me and said, “you got gold right there!”
Today I was smoking a cig in front of my local Walmart when the guard came yelling at me...
Guard : "Excuse me sir! We have no smoking rules around here!"
Me : "Great! Most stores have a ton of them!"
walmart marriage chapel Walmart was going to put in a marriage chapel. After thinking about it they decided not to because they already had a problem with returns
The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart.... The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart is not knowing who’s kid it is.
I just realized today is my four year work anniversary with my company. I’ve finally met the experience requirements for an entry level position as a Walmart greeter.
What do Walmart and Michael Jackson have in common? Little boys underwear are half-off!
George Washington led an army on Christmas to ensure U.S. Independence and as a History major, I'm proud that I too will work this Christmas.....at walmart selling batteries
Doug Ford and Walmart are quite similar They both love their rollbacks.
I asked my friends to set me up with a guy in uniform Garry from Walmart wasn't quite what I had in mind...
I saw a woman in Walmart with March Madness teeth. She was down to the Final Four.
I tried telling higher value jokes in Walmart but nobody was laughing. I guess it wasn't my Target Audience.
What did Mexico get Trump for Christmas? A Walmart gift card.
I love whale-whatching but it has gotten a little more difficult now that the nearest WalMart closed down
Walmart ran out of tops and sandals so they put a sign on the front entrance. "No shirts, no shoes, no service."
Robbery Yesterday, a Walmart manager was robbed outside of a gas station. Robbers took $19.95 of his money
Why aren't there any Walmart stores in Iraq? Because there's a Target on every corner.
Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower? Because they're the largest re-tail-er
I was really disappointed with Walmart There were only four of them in stock.
I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to "take him by surprise and attack him". So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.
What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? Boys pants are half off.
WalMart is closing down 269 stores in 2016 Due to this, 17 cashiers will lose their jobs.
If WalMart built a store on Mars, what would you call the employees? WalMartians
What do you do if you're smoking weed in the walmart parking lot and you see a spaceman Park in it bruh
Walmart is banning sales of the Confederate flag Well, there goes 95% of their buisness
My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart She's the Texas Chain Store Massager
Why can't I trust my Walmart calculator? It's always 7% off.
the horse meat scandal during the recent horse meat scandal in the UK they discovered that the Welsh lamb in Asda ( Walmart ) had 2% human dna.
How to make the world a better place.
How do you raise the literacy rate while simultaneously lowering the poverty ratio of a town near you?
All you have to do is drive as fast as possible through the Walmart parking lot.