Walmart Jokes

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Funniest Walmart Jokes

This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register. Dire times indeed.

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.

Funny Walmart Jokes

Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan? Because there's a target on every corner

There are no Walmart stores in Syria Only Targets.

Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays... Free of charge

Was kicked out of Walmart today. When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.

I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs. "Aisle B, back"

Why did Walmart go out of business in Iraq? Because there are too many targets.

Why is there no Walmart in Afghanistan? Because there is a target on every corner.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."

My good deed for the day In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you’ve got to help out so I helped her put it all back.

Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018 Putting 12 cashiers out of work

I heard they don't have any Walmart or K-marts in Syria. Only Targets.

Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll. I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common? They both have kids pants half off.

Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...? It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? They both have little boys' jeans half off.

A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart The Texas Chain Store Massacre

I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined.. So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back

Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas? The Walmart that got turned into a Target.

The local Walmart was giving out batteries They were free of charge

What is the difference between a Walmart employee and a large pepperoni pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks... I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and three. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common. They both have boys pants half off.

I went into walmart to buy the album "Get Rich or Die Trying" but I had to dispute the price when it rang up for ten dollars... ... because it clearly says 50 Cent on it.

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning She was down to her final 4!!!

If the NRA had its way, there would be no more Walmart stores... ...but there’d be Targets everywhere.

what do kevin spacey and walmart have in common? They both have small boys pants at half off!

I bought a thesaurus from Walmart and the pages were blank.. I have no words to describe how angry I am

What's 30 feet long and has 4 teeth? The cashier line at an Alabama Walmart

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers? About 200 pounds.

You know how stores move stuff around? Target and Kroger do it for strategy but Walmart does it to keep you in there.

I have really bad memory I'm never buying computer parts from Walmart again

Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section. Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.

Someone at Walmart asked if I wanted to donate a dollar to fight hunger But I was already buying pizza rolls!

What is the difference between a Walmart and a hooker? At Walmart, more plastic always makes it cheaper.

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart.... The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart is not knowing who’s kid it is.

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? Boys pants are half off.

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New Walmart Jokes

I heard Walmart stores were so busy on Friday that they opened a second register! Sounds like a picnic compared to O'hare Airport yesterday!

So I was at Walmart today and got one pack of toilet paper Then someone pulled their car up beside me and said, “you got gold right there!”

Today I was smoking a cig in front of my local Walmart when the guard came yelling at me... Guard : "Excuse me sir! We have no smoking rules around here!"

Me : "Great! Most stores have a ton of them!"

walmart marriage chapel Walmart was going to put in a marriage chapel. After thinking about it they decided not to because they already had a problem with returns

I just realized today is my four year work anniversary with my company. I’ve finally met the experience requirements for an entry level position as a Walmart greeter.

What do Walmart and Michael Jackson have in common? Little boys underwear are half-off!

George Washington led an army on Christmas to ensure U.S. Independence and as a History major, I'm proud that I too will work this Christmas.....at walmart selling batteries

Doug Ford and Walmart are quite similar They both love their rollbacks.

I asked my friends to set me up with a guy in uniform Garry from Walmart wasn't quite what I had in mind...

I saw a woman in Walmart with March Madness teeth. She was down to the Final Four.

I tried telling higher value jokes in Walmart but nobody was laughing. I guess it wasn't my Target Audience.

What did Mexico get Trump for Christmas? A Walmart gift card.

I love whale-whatching but it has gotten a little more difficult now that the nearest WalMart closed down

Walmart ran out of tops and sandals so they put a sign on the front entrance. "No shirts, no shoes, no service."

Robbery Yesterday, a Walmart manager was robbed outside of a gas station. Robbers took $19.95 of his money

Why aren't there any Walmart stores in Iraq? Because there's a Target on every corner.

Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower? Because they're the largest re-tail-er

I was really disappointed with Walmart There were only four of them in stock.

I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to "take him by surprise and attack him". So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.

WalMart is closing down 269 stores in 2016 Due to this, 17 cashiers will lose their jobs.

If WalMart built a store on Mars, what would you call the employees? WalMartians

What do you do if you're smoking weed in the walmart parking lot and you see a spaceman Park in it bruh

Walmart is banning sales of the Confederate flag Well, there goes 95% of their buisness

My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart She's the Texas Chain Store Massager

Why can't I trust my Walmart calculator? It's always 7% off.

the horse meat scandal during the recent horse meat scandal in the UK they discovered that the Welsh lamb in Asda ( Walmart ) had 2% human dna.

How to make the world a better place. How do you raise the literacy rate while simultaneously lowering the poverty ratio of a town near you?

All you have to do is drive as fast as possible through the Walmart parking lot.

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Long Walmart Jokes

A Big Muscular Guy Walks Into Walmart

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter at Walmart and asks, "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?"


The assistant behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.


The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?"


Again, the assistant doesn't answer him.


The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?"


And the assistant just seems to ignore him.


Finally, the guy storms off in anger.


The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the assistant, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"



The assistant answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brunette replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
"How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied the blonde.
"I think I'm gonna go back to paper."

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

The blind Walmart clerk

My teacher was telling us about this joke today so I thought I would share.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck
Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

A guy decides to try horseback riding...

... even though he has had no lessons nor prior experience.

He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the guy begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck but he slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally giving up his frail grip the guy attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

Unfortunately his foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

He is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

As his head is battered against the ground he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune, John, the Walmart Greeter sees his dilemma and unplugs the horse... and you thought all they did was say Hello.

Blond who wanted to ride horses.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Missing wives.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard…

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.

A man buys some cologne before a job interview...

A man quickly headed to Walmart before a job interview looking to buy some cologne. Not knowing which one to buy, he asked the employee which fragrances were purchased the most by other customers. The employee directed him to five standard fragrances, all of which the man then bought. However, not knowing which one in particular to put on, he doused himself with a mixture of all five. His job interview later resulted in him getting hired, despite his lack of experience in that field. Because of this the company's manager asked the recruiter, "What are you thinking? This guy doesn't know the first thing about what we do!" The recruiter then responded, "I don't know, but he strikes me as a man with a lot of common scents."

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she
grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw
herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great
fortune, Frank the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

WTH???!!!! I was in Walmart using the damn restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”

Embarrassed... I said, “I’m aight!!"

The voice said, "So what are you up to?”

I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”

Then I hear, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!."

Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.

She didn’t want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.

Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.

Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experiences. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse
immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again.
The blonde's head is continually battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when........


The Walmart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves.

She asks her co-worker , "What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?" He says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We’re out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Walmart Interview

A manager at walmart was interviewing 4 candidates in a group interview. He asked the 4 candidates "What the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man said "A THOUGHT. It
just pops into your head!"

The second man said "Hmm... let me THINK." after a couple of minutes to prove that a thought is not the fastest, he said "A blink! Blinks happen instantly!"

The third man wanting to show that his answer was the most intelligent said "Light.. Light travels at 299,792 kilometers per second."

The manager was highly impressed with the 3rd candidates answer!

Bubba, the 4th candidate laughed and said "DIARRHEA!! You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had done **** in my pants.

Bubba is now a greeter at a Walmart near you!

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