Office Jokes

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Funniest Office Jokes

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Funny Office Jokes

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

The opposite of Microsoft Office is... Macrohard Onfire.

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting... "Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

A young lady from my office just sent me an email saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue For the devil can take many forms

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift they said VR ready

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

Why I won't carpool. I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office It improved my outlook.

One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot". What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

Whoever stole my copy of Office 365, I will find you You have my Word.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak? Parceltongue

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite... Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture... I have a hunch it might be me...

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

Why is the oval office oval shaped? Because the government cuts corners.

Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office They get really annoyed

My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account... I will find you. You have my word.

I'm still using Office 2010 ... For lack of a better Word ...

Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office

So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames. Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

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New Office Jokes

Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office They get really annoyed

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you? The Three-Hole Punch...

Someone stole my Microsoft Office account Whoever it was, I’ll make you pay
You have my Word.

The principal was sleeping with my teacher Everybody knew it, it was so awkward. He was so brash, calling her into his office right in the middle of the school day. The other cool thing about being homeschooled…

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A man goes into his bosses office Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?

Boss: Absolutely not.

Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.

To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office License. Im gonna find you. You have my Word.

Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house. Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body. The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

The priest called me in to his office to congratulate me on my First Communion. It was a touching experience.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story building It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon? The element of supplies

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you.

​

You have my Word.

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

My ex wife's favorite joke. Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.

Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

A guy walks into a doctors office and says 'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'

'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'


Courtesy of my 6 year old.

Some species of frog can jump higher than three-story office buildings. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops. In my office I have a workstation. What more can I say.

The job of your dreams Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?

Do you want a corner office with windows?

Do you love to travel?


If so, then become a bus driver!

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots...

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you. You have my Word.

Someone Stole My Microsoft Office and They're Going To Pay For It, You Have My Word.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office building 20 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking outside the office building.

I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.

I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

I got called into my boss's office for a bad billboard I created It wasn't a good sign

I rang a local escort agency and asked for a BJ.... She put me through to their head office

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

Microsoft Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?

Me : I excel at it

Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?

Me : word

To the software thieves who robbed me last night. Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face... Doctor says, “Why didn’t you come sooner?”
The tumor says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough. His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.

A man rushed into the doctors office shouting "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" He said.

The doctor calmly replied, "Now settle down, you'll just have to be a little patient"

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants. Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.

Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

In an interview: "How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?" "I Excel at it."

"Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?"

"Word."

Edit: thanks u/Steve_Jobs_iGhost

I walked into the nuclear plant operators office... I walked into the nuclear plant operators office and asked him what to do with the barrels of radioactive waste.

"Bury 'em" he snarled at me,

"No sir, it's actually uranium"

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Long Office Jokes

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real* internet.

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N," she answered.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital"

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.

A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.

A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.

He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late.
“I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”

Andy was sent to prison

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

EDIT: Whoa, that took off. Thanks for the upvotes everyone. I'm glad you all enjoyed the joke so much.

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.

"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.
Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.
My Boss: The Bear can talk?
Me: No, that’s not the joke.
My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?
Me: No, that’s not the joke either.
My Boss: The Bear likes to drink?
Me: No, you’re overthinking it.
My Boss: Okay can you just explain it to me then?
Me: Of course not that would ruin the joke!

*** Conversation eventually changes topics because my Boss doesn’t care anymore, I leave work a few hours later***

***I go to my boss’s office the next morning***

Me: Hey Boss can I talk to you about something?

My Boss: Yeah sure what is it?

Me: ...and would you mind throwing a few ice cubes in there?” Bartender asks, “Why the long pause?” Bear replies, “I was born with them!”

Anyways, I need a new job so if anyone’s hiring please let me know.

"My Daddy Plays Piano in a Whorehouse"

Mrs. Jacobson, a prim and proper, straightlaced lady, is a teacher of Grade Four students. One of the lessons is about the types of different jobs adults have...sort of a "what do you want to be when you grow up" type of lesson.

Part of it was asking the students what their parents do for a living.

"Sally, what does you father do?"

Sally proudly answers, "My Daddy is a Real Estate agent, and he helps people sell the house they own now, and buy a better house."

"Very good, Sally," replies Mrs Jacobson. "Jimmy, how about you? What does your father do?"

Jimmy smiles and says, "He works in a laboratory in a hospital and helps the doctors find out exactly how people are sick, so the doctors can help them get better."

Johnny has been sitting at his desk, shoulders slumped and staring down. He's asked, but mumbles something incoherent.

"I'm sorry, Johnny, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?"

Johnny blurts out, "I said 'My Daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!'"

Mrs. Jacobson turns white as a sheet, and the whole class goes silent. She marches up to Johnny's desk, rips a piece of paper from his notebook, and scribbles a few lines.

Folding it, she hands it to Johnny, and firmly commands, "Young man, you take this note down to the Principal's Office right this minute. Go straight there, and you tell him that I sent you." She walks briskly to the door and opens it, glaring at Johnny as he meekly walks past her into the hallway.

He enters the Office, and one of the secretaries asks why he's at the office. "Mrs. Jacobson sent me," and hands over the note. The secretary reads it, gasps, and takes it into the Principal's office. She comes back and says, "The Principal wishes to see you in his office, *right now*."

Johnny walks into the office, and the Principal tells him to close the door, and take a seat. There is an awkward few moments of silence, as the Principal looks at Johnny, then at the note, then back at Johnny.

The principal asks, "Johnny, your father doesn't really play piano in a whorehouse, does he?"

"No, Sir." Johnny admits. "He plays defense for the Cleveland Browns, but there's no way I'm telling them THAT."

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.

'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.

Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.

'Gambling' she muttered.

'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.

'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'

'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'

'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.

'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'

'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'

'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.

That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.

The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.

'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'

The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!

That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.

'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'

'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

"Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying, “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front.”

“Here are the documents, as well,” he says as he hands over a tiny stack of papers.

The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.

“One moment, please.”

The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out.

So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.

An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer smiles and says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely.”

Then he adds, “But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.”

“While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”

The man replies, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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