My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
A young lady from my office just sent me an email
Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?
called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift they said VR ready
A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
Why I won't carpool. I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office It improved my outlook.
One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.
I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot". What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.
Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"
Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.
Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite... Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.
My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture... I have a hunch it might be me...
Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office
Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"
My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames. Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you? The Three-Hole Punch...
Someone stole my Microsoft Office account
Whoever it was, I’ll make you pay
You have my Word.
The principal was sleeping with my teacher Everybody knew it, it was so awkward. He was so brash, calling her into his office right in the middle of the school day. The other cool thing about being homeschooled…
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?
Boss: Absolutely not.
Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house. Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.
To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!
A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body. The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
The priest called me in to his office to congratulate me on my First Communion. It was a touching experience.
Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story building It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.
My ex wife's favorite joke.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy walks into a doctors office and says
'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'
'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'
Courtesy of my 6 year old.
Some species of frog can jump higher than three-story office buildings. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops. In my office I have a workstation. What more can I say.
The job of your dreams
Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?
Do you want a corner office with windows?
Do you love to travel?
If so, then become a bus driver!
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"
If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots...
Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you. You have my Word.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office building 20 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking outside the office building.
I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...
"What's this for? he asked.
I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
I think I'm shrinking!
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists
Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?
Me : I excel at it
Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?
Me : word
To the software thieves who robbed me last night. Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.
A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face...
Doctor says, “Why didn’t you come sooner?”
The tumor says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”
Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough. His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.
A man rushed into the doctors office shouting
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" He said.
The doctor calmly replied, "Now settle down, you'll just have to be a little patient"
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.
Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
In an interview: "How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?"
"I Excel at it."
"Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?"
Edit: thanks u/Steve_Jobs_iGhost