Office Jokes

Contents

Funniest Office Jokes

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

Score: 21592

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Score: 13033

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Score: 8802

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

Score: 7753

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Score: 7489

My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Score: 6350
Funny Office Jokes
Score: 2914

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

Score: 2790

My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

Score: 2045

The opposite of Microsoft Office is... Macrohard Onfire.

Score: 1916

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

Score: 1813

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting... "Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

Score: 1592

A young lady from my office just sent me an email saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

Score: 1552

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

Score: 1528

IT guy John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

Score: 1393

Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.

Score: 1267

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office. Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

Score: 1264

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue For the devil can take many forms

Score: 964

[first day as a car salesman] Customer: Cargo space?

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.

Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Score: 922

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office... I don't know who you but I will find you, you have my word.

Score: 830

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office... Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: ”What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin”?

Secretary: ”Just a second, Mr. President…”

Trump: ”Thanks” <click>

Score: 732

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift they said VR ready

Score: 682

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office... ..I will find you. You have my Word.

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Edit: 1000 upvotes. Of course it would be on a self post. :( Thanks though. <3

Score: 651

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

Score: 640

Why I won't carpool. I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

Score: 569

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office It improved my outlook.

Score: 486

Did you know if you rearrange the letters in "THE POST OFFICE" Nobody gets their mail.

Score: 475

My first day as car salesman Customer: Cargo space?

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.

Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Score: 468

Jack and Jill work together in an office... Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

Score: 453

One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.

Score: 452

To whomever stole my Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.

Score: 160

Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas? Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.

Score: 45

Hey! To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you! You have my Word

Score: 45

Did you hear Microsoft have started giving away Office free to parents? Word to your mother.

Score: 40

What begins with P and ends with E and has thousands of letters in it? Post Office

Score: 31

This happened at a meeting with my boss: Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it!

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word.

Score: 24

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap... The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

Score: 24

Heard this from my History Professor. Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

Score: 18

I think my optometrist is falling in love with me... Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, "Eye care for you"

Score: 11

I'm going to the Halloween party at my office today as President Hillary Clinton I'm not going to show up.

Score: 10

New Office Jokes

Yesterday, my wife tried to apply at the post office, but they didn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

Score: 8

Did you hear about the power failure at the post office? They were enveloped in darkness.

Score: 4

Did you hear about the power failure at the post office? They were enveloped in the darkness.

Score: 4

I was at the Doctor's office The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

Score: 3

Today at school I got two people to ask me what ligma is The first one sent me to the office and the second one sent me home

Score: 2

President Trump really shot himself in the foot with the Ukraine call. He's now Biden his time til he leaves office.

Score: 2

Why was the dyslexic fired from the post office? Too many letters in the wrong places.

Score: 1

So I asked my grandma where the office is located to take my grandpa for his Alzheimer’s appointment She forgot. Guess the appointments for 2 now.

Score: 1

I downloaded the new 8 ball add-on for Microsoft Office Now my Outlook’s not so good

Score: 1

Who ever stole my microsoft office disk, I will find you... You have my word

Score: 4

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office copy I’ll get it back, you have my Word

Score: 8

I'm seeding a torrent for office.. .. hopefully Microsoft don't get mad at me for spreading the word

Score: 2

A group of scientists won’t stop arguing over the properties of a newly found element are known around their office As the Mass debaters

Score: 3

A young man goes to a military recruiting office and takes the required tests. The results aren’t great but the recruiter thinks he has potential to be in the Navy. His scores were suboptimal.

Score: 3

Why was the astronaut out of the office in the afternoon? Because he was out to launch!

Score: 2

A ballet dancer is in a doctor's office BD: My leg hurts

Doc: *looks at chart* looks like you're going to need an amputation

BD: *GASPS DRAMATICALLY*

doc: no not really, just like to keep you on your toes

Score: 1

A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’ Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’

Score: 8

To the person who stole my authentic and original copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you and I will kill you You have my word.

Score: 7

I visited my insurance company's office today and they were really nice to me, All I did was look at their snazzy printer, and the manager there told me, "Fine print."

Score: 2

What should the post office do if they want to improve their packages? Take mail enhancement

Score: 1

A man takes his daughter to his office to Employ and Family Day. The daughter starts crying after some time.

The man asks why she is crying.

Daughter: Where are the all the clowns you say you work with?

Score: 1

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office 2016, I will find you. You have my Word.

Score: 6

An eel walks into a doctor’s office. Doctor asks "what's the matter?"

"Doc, I'm feeling a little eel"

Score: 1

Dear whoever stole my disk copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you, you have my word.

Score: 3

How many Netflix documentaries will be made about the corruption of the Trump administration once a new leader is in office? 1, since every comedian is getting their own comedy special.

Score: 3

Since i got fat, the only thing that goes down on me... ...is the computer chair in my office

Score: 5

A blonde bursts out the doctor's office, yelling that the doctor flirted with her. The staff rush to see what was going on, they asked her, "What did he do?"

She replied, "He told the nurse he'll check me out!"

Score: 3

My dad went with my grandma to the doctors office and we found out she was diagnosed with dementia a year, but she forgot to tell us.

Score: 3

A man walks into a psychiatrists office. He's completely naked and wrapped in cling film. The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Score: 7

A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.

Score: 3

The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp People were too confused about which side to spit on

Score: 4

Maintaining the respectability of the office is the top priority of President Trump 's staff.

Score: 1

A woman walks into the doctors office with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear Doctor: “That looks nasty!”






Woman: “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Score: 2

A coworker is showing a new hire around. A coworker is showing the latest company hire around the office. “How long have you worked here?” the new hire asks.
“Ever since they threatened to fire me,” the coworker answers.

Score: 9

When Bill Clinton was in office he had to make a decision on a big abortion bill. He ended up just telling his secretary to pay it

Score: 1

Why did the cookie visit the doctor’s office? because he was feeling a little crummy!

Score: 2

A tech developer walks into the doctor's office... The doctor says, "I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but you have a micropenis."




The developer replies, "no no no, it's a **Microsoft**."

Score: 3

Christmas is like a normal day at the office. You do all the work, but the fat man in a suit gets all the credit.

Score: 1

I'm going to make sure to get in a good workout before going to the office Christmas party. They're having an ugly sweater contest.

Score: 1

Robert Mugabe admits to playing World of Warcraft You are not in this Presidential group.
Please leave office or you will be teleported to the nearest graveyard in 59..58...57

Score: 2

Why was the sugar out of the office? Because it was on granule leave!

Score: 2

Did you hear the one about the young bone specialist? He just opened his office and only needed a good break to get started.

Score: 1

What does Monica Lewinsky going to the oval office and you cashing your paycheck have in common? In both cases somebody leaves with a hand full of Bills.

Score: 2

What is the fist thing Trump will say after he leaves office. I am innocent i swear!

Score: 2

United Airlines service has become absolutely abysmal. I mean, just 16 years ago, they'd fly you right into your office!

Score: 1

Why are women so upset with the gender hiring equality in the Post Office? Because it's such a mail dominated industry

Score: 2

I used to think hard work beats luck.. until a leprechaun banged my wife while I was at the office

Score: 3

We didn't elect Harambe for president But we still got a gorilla in office

Score: 6

Do you think Obama's going to deal with Russia while he's still in office? Nah, I think he's Biden his time.

Score: 1

If Trump divorces Melania while in office... Will she rule half the country?

Score: 8

Why should you avoid being stuck behind the devil in the line at the post office? Because he has many forms

Score: 7

Hitler had a half-deaf secretary..... Hitler is fuming furious one day, he called his half-deaf secretary to his office after recieving some news. He yells, "Glass of juice, not gas the jews!"

Score: 3

The national statistics office just dropped a new set... Apparently 9/10 people enjoy gang rape.

Score: 1

Here's a Post Office joke Nevermind, you'll probably never get it.

Score: 2

things u don't want to here at the doctors office (during prostate exam) 'look no hands'

Score: 3

I remember the first meeting with my boss at my old job, he asked... "How good at you at Microsoft PowerPoint?"

I said, "I Excel at it."

He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

I was like, "Word."

Score: 1

I walk into the pharmacist's office and ask for condoms for my 12 year old daughter. The pharmacist asks "is your daughter sexually active?" I reply with "no she just lays there and cries."

Score: 4

What did the Office of Admissions say to the recently-accepted Urology student? "Ur-ine!"

Score: 5

Heard this one from my dentist... After a woman had a painful operation at the dental office, she said, "I don't know what's worse, this, or having a baby!"

The dentist said, "well, next time, tell us so we know how to adjust the chair."

Score: 1

I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

Score: 2

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