Monday Jokes

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Funniest Monday Jokes

Funny Monday Jokes

Twerk 1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins? Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

The worst thing about Friday the 13th Is monday the 16th

Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping? Apologies to my friends on my chat list...

For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week? Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.

Why can't Monday get a girlfriend? Because it always comes to fast

Twerk 1: A dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually

2: A place Newfoundlanders go, usually 9-5, Monday - Friday

How to sustain a long marriage Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

A wife tells her husband “I want us to have a great weekend” The Husband replies....

“Ok I’ll see you Monday then”

The Viking God Thor comes to Earth... and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day. In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

New lockdown rules in England... New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

Most offensive sentence you ever read. I'm a white male, Christian that goes to work 9-5 Monday through Friday.

I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation. Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.

What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes? Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work I go.

Why can you not break Prince Rupert's Drops Monday thru Friday? Because you have to hit them on the weak end.

Why do I only lift at the weekend? Because Monday to Friday are weak days

Monday through Friday I have a friend who, Monday through Friday seems very strong, but Saturday and Sunday he's weekend.

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F. After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web... Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows.

A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

So we're all thinking it by this point! Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

Did you hear about the African who loved Monday Mornings? He was a Monday morning kinda Gueye.

One day on Mercury lasts aproximately 1408 hours The same as one Monday on earth

What’s the typical thing a patient says at the Diarrhea Clinic on a Monday morning? “I had a terrible weak end.”

Black monday is way better then black friday, look at the deals these people in Ferguson are getting. Stuff is free!!

Why was the clam limping on Monday morning? Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

First thing I do Monday mornings when I get to the office is switch the regular and decaf coffee. Then I make myself a cup of tea and watch pandemonium ensue.

Why is Saturday stronger than Monday? Monday is a weak day

What day of the week does Gordon Ramsey like best? Monday night Raw

I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".

My nations top doctor just told me the cure for coronavirus.. Play 2 days of golf and call him on Monday

Things to say, that won't get you the job. (Whose line: SFaH style) "Now...i would like monday through saturday off..."

"So I have no clue why I'm here but it pays good right?"

"I need this job to pay for my weed, is that cool?"

Working days I work only for Monday and Tuesday. Because after that even the week says WTF?!...

Boss, on Monday I'll be late When are you coming?
On Wednesday .

Next week is the International Diarrhea Week Runs from monday to sunday.

What did the Trump supporting viticulturist say Monday morning? Time to make America Grapes Again.

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New Monday Jokes

Monday Next Monday I'm planning Tuesday at my friend's house. Who knows we might get Thursday and buy some beers. Friday and Saturday we'll just chill and enjoy our ice cream Sunday.

yoga joke i joined a yoga class the other day.
they said “are you flexible?”
i said “yeah i can do monday to friday”

BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays

I got burned pretty badly... On my birthday no less... Last Monday was my birthday. One of my sister's friends was at my house and asked how old I was. I told her, "42."

"Wow! You don't look a day over 50!"

So, yeah... Happy birthday...

Sometimes we get the joy of Friday, but with the misery of Monday swirled in I call it... A Monday-Friday Sunday

If life was a YouTube video... Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

Francisco Nunez Olivera, the world’s oldest man, died at his home in Spain – a month after celebrating his 113th birthday last Monday night... I shall miss reading his jokes on here...

Another Monday morning of people on the Internet screaming about what other people can or can't say. I wish these Game if Thrones spoilers would stop.

This monday there will be a solar eclipse at 10am... Followed shortly after by funeral proceedings for the Flat Earth Society.

What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer? Brazilian to one....

(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast)

I'd love to watch 48 Hours But it would be Monday by the time it's finished and ain't nobody got time for that.

Why do physicists have such a hard time figuring out why their experiments fail Monday through Thursday? Causal fridays.

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Long Monday Jokes

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

4 friends.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in shock but lets his continue uninterrupted. The duck eats his food, pays and leaves.

All week the duck comes in and orders the same pint and a pork pie. The barman is amazed, but can't bring himself to interrupt the duck during his meal.

Saturday rolls by and the duck doesn't come in - obviously not working at the building site on the weekend. However, the circus is in town and in walks the circus ringmaster for a pint.

The barman says to the ringmaster 'you won't believe what I've seen this week, a talking duck!'

'Wow! That's incredible' says the ringmaster.

'Yeah, he walks in every lunchtime for a pork pie and a pint - it's amazing'

'That is amazing' agrees the ringmaster. He hands the barman his card and says 'tell him to get in touch with me, I could have some work for a talking duck!'

So Monday rolls round as as expected, in walks the duck - who orders his pork pie and a pint as usual.

The barman sheepishly picks up the card and says 'sorry to disturb you, but a circus ringmaster walked in the other day and I mentioned you've been in all last week. He told me to give you this, he might have some work for you.'

The duck looks confused and studies the card perplexed.

'So, the circus?' says the duck.

'Yeah, he came in on Saturday' says the barman.

'Where they all live in tents, with a big top and its all canvas?'

'Yeah, that's right'

'Where, all the humans walk free, and the animals live in cages?'

'I guess so... yeah'

The duck studies the card intently and pulls a face.

'What do they want a plasterer for?'

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!”

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

An old man enters a jewelry store with a much younger woman

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you can find her at Safeway Monday morning, good luck".

**Monday morning arrives**

Arty approaches his friend's wife from behind, wraps his hands round her neck, and asphyxiates her to death. Pleased with himself, Arty turns around to find that one of the customers has seen the whole thing, so he does what is necessary and strangles her to death too. Accomplished, Arty walks round the corner to find the manager, peering through some shelves, he had witnessed the entire incident. Once again, Arty must take matters into account, and suffocates a second innocent bystander.

*Arty leaves*

Over the next few weeks, police find out about the entire thing.

Do you know what the headline in the paper was the following day?

**Arty chokes three for a dollar at Safeway**

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

After some silence, Ted raises his hand. "The grass is definitely green", he declares.

"Now that's an excellent one!" The teacher declares. "But when it gets dry, or cold, the grass starts dying, and turns yellow or brown."

At this point, the class is stumped. While the students racked their brains, trying to get the answer to get Monday off school, Billy speaks up.

"Teacher, can I ask one question first?" Teacher says yes.

"Mrs. Teacher, do farts have lumps?"

Surprised, she answers in the negative.

"Well then," says Billy, "I definitely just shat my pants." He gets up, clutching his rear. "I'll see you Tuesday."


Edit: This hit the front. I guess I'll continue Billy's legacy, tomorrow.
TLDR: MOAR JOKZ BOYZ

Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!”

Three friends attending Duke were taking Chemistry, and were confident that going into the final they had a solid A.

They were so confident that the weekend before the final they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time, but were so hung-over that they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until late Monday morning.

They rushed to their professor to give their excuses as to why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time.

The professor thought it over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The friends were relieved and very proud of their story.

They studied that night and went in the next day to take the test. The professor placed them all in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

The first problem was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."

They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for the question they saw on the next page.

WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

Definitely a repost but it will make some people laugh.

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them
had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they
decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms,
thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points:
Which tire? _________

Little Johnny ;-)

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have the Monday off.” said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen, at the front of the class, called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have the Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday, studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I believe it was Martin Luther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have the Monday off”

“No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off from school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday, studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F*%3ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya on Tuesday ...........”

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The Jewelery Store

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man
and said "There's no money in that account!"

'I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shall Not Steal', look at the congregation for anyone who looks guilty. That's the person who stole your bike"

The following Monday the Pastor shows up at his friends house on his bike. "Good news! I followed your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments," said the Pastor. "But when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike"

A balding, white haired man from Bellville, in Cape Town

walked into a jewellery store in Tygervalley this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger blond at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $240,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...

... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and decide, "We've been studing all that we can study, let's go out and relax for a while." They drive 150 miles to the next town, they get drunk and pass out later sunday night. They woke up late monday morning and realized they missed their test. They drive back and tell the profesor, "We had a flat tire and couldn't get it fix and that is why we are late." The profesor agrees that having a flat tire is a legitimate excuse. He then proceeds to put them in two seperate rooms and hands them the new test they have to retake. First question: (5 points out of 100) What is the chemical compound for sugar? "That's an easy question" the one student says. He goes and answers the question. Second question: (95 points out of 100) Which tire was flat?

A good one for those of you finishing up finals.

4 buddies are seniors in college and all 4 of them have 4.0 GPAs and are majoring in biology. Even though their last final is on Monday, they decide they wanted to go to the all girls college across town and party until Saturday night, come back Sunday, study all day, and take the exam on Monday. When they got to the party at the other college they were having so much fun that they decided to stay the whole weekend, skip that test, and ask the professor if they could retake it on Tuesday. When they finally get back to school on Monday, they all go into the professors office together and explain to him why they were unable to make the test. "we went to a party across town and we were coming back last night so we would have enough time to study for the test, but we got a flat tire and had no cell service and no spare, and had to wait for someone to drive by. We waited all day until someone finally came by and helped us. We were so tired that when we finally got home at 2am we all cashed and slept through your test. Is there anyway we can take it tomorrow." After thinking about it for a little bit the professor replied "of course, come in tomorrow morning." The excited 4 friends study the rest of the day Monday and come in for the test on Tuesday morning. The professor puts them each in a different room and hands them each a test. They open to the first page and read the first question worth 5 points, "what is photosynthesis?" Overjoyed at how easy this first question is, they answer it and move on to the second question worth 95 points, "which tire?"

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

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