Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

What do you call an arabic fastfood place? Alahu snackbar

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Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

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Did you hear about the Donkey that changed it's gender pronouns? They now prefer Hee/Haw

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So Norm Macdonald died As he would have wanted, there is no punchline.

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What's a narcoleptic's favorite 90s sitcom? Suddenly Snoozin'

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The twin towers are like genders There were 2 of them and now they’re a sensitive topic.

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Why did the US pullout off Afghanistan? Because they didn't want a commitment

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What do you call a driver that brakes all the way down a hill? Wasted potential

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That time I got pulled over for drunk driving. The cop shined his flashlight on me and asked, “Where ya headed?”

I just shrugged and said, “Jail!”

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What's the difference beyween a bun and a kid who's following in his parents' footsteps by posting fake stuff on the internet. One's a bread roll. The other's a bred troll.

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Why does the Taliban bring a car door with them in the dessert? So they can roll down the window if it gets to hot.

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An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?" The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

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My friends’s car had a puddle of oil dripping from its differential I said, “looks like you blew a seal”. He wiped his mouth and said, “Naw, it’s just mayonnaise from my sandwich “

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Where does a cow go pee?(kindergartner’s joke) A Peeing Factory.

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'Tea'meo & 'Coffee'et Coffee : You are such a hot tea

Tea : I bet you would keep me up all night ;)

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I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday I think he may be plotting something.

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I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum." I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

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Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times. Just like yo momma.

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What's smarter than the average bear? 50% of all bears.

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Water boarding gets a lot of bad press But the search to cure hiccups will continue no regardless!

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Why does the Swedish Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships? So they can Scandinavian

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A 2020's Nightclub Nightclubs in 2050 will have a 2020's theme night, with masks as dress-code, a maximum occupancy of 6, and a bartender behind a wall of pyrex.

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Then there was the time I snagged my tongue piercing on her naval piercing: I was caught between a rack and a hot place!

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It's pretty ironic that usually people that lost legs or were paraliyzed Have the most *moving* stories

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Q: What do you call a 7 year old with no friends? A: A Sandy Hook survivor.

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What’s the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson? I’m not really Willie Nelson.

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What woulda Hot Ones by Sean Evans guest say if he accidentally drops the last bottle of hot sauce on camera? My Apollo-gies

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Why did the Afgan president leave so fast? He didn't want to have his assets Talibanned.

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Have you heard about the female rapper who only battled during her menstrual cicle? Thay say she has a mean flow

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A parrot walks into a bar A parrot walks into a bar, slaps a small fish on top of the barstool, then stands on the fish and orders a drink. "What's with the fish?" the bartender asks. The parrot replies, "This is my perch."

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What do you call an old Austrailian orangutan with outdated views? A boomer-rang

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One thing surprising is that they don't have television in Afghanastan It's because of the Tele-ban

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My 6th cake day . So lets make a appropriate joke. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

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If feelings could genrate power... I would get lots of watts.

Edit: And to those not getting the joke, I am sorry for all this confusion.

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I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except that the Earth is Flat

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What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favourite movie? Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer

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What's Jimmy saviles favourite musical note? A-minor

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Why is it problematic nowdays for a male kangaroo to make living as a comedian? Because people dislike boomer humor

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There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001 It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

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I have a question for only fans users Why don’t you get air conditioning instead

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Four people were involved in a stand off where they all shot and killed eachother. It was a four gun conclusion.

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I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat. It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

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How did dinsouras survived without internet I guess they didn't

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My lpcal sasquatch hates being called bigfoot... ...Yeti never complains

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The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand He says, “Make me one with everything.”

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What begins with 'm' and ends with arrige? Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old and the baby doesn't either!

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I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!" And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

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Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers? The celery was unacceptable!

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What did Nickel back do when he was hungry? Borrowed 45 cents then 58.

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What did Xi Xinping say after hearing this pun? L-MAO!

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What’s a cannibal’s favorite smoothie? A blended family

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Why was the body builder playing with knives? Because he wanted to get cut

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I think i may be sexually attracted to eletronics Because i want to take a bath with my toaster.

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Where do you buy a service station? On Tebay.

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Guy: it was a mistake i didnt mean to kill him. Cop: there's no such thing as a Mistake only happy little accidents.

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Me and Detective Mobious from Loki have something in common We both got dealt a variant

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Why doen't Ganon use the Internet? Too many Links

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Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"? It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

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A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English. So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.

He listens.

"Ticket to midway one-way."

When it's his turn, he asks.

"Ticket to new york one-ork"


~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

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Mostly white inhabitants of some southern states are thinking of succeeding from the USA. That's right. It's happening. REDNEXIT

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I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?" They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

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You know what they say about anti-depressants? The more the merrier :)

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English stationery set for sale. It has 3 pens missing though.

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What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do? Living life on the edge.

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Why can’t British people loose at chess? Because their Queen never dies

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Sir I’m afraid you’ve only got 5 to live “5 what”
4,3,2,1

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My wife and I went camping to save our marriage It was an tents situation

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Chicken pie in the Bahamas... A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

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I just learned how to play both Alto & Tenor Saxaphones. I'm Bi-Saxual!

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Why did the mushroom want to goto a party? Because he was sure he was a fungi

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Acronym's Don't Have Definite.... Sorry I lost my train of thought.

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How do call a group of ribs A meat-ing

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why do you poor coke over ice? ice was too addicting

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I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people. If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

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Apple is planning to release a vaccum cleaner in a couple of years. It's rumored to be the only Apple product that won't suck.

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A big nose isn’t an excuse for not wearing a facemask I mean, I still wear underwear

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You know what they say about homophones... They all sound the same.

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Did you hear Fast n Furious 11 is being shown at Olive Garden? Because when you’re here you’re family.

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what did the syscraper say to the earthquake im high on crack

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The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women They said it was a nun issue.

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I can attract any female mosquito

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You Americans may have the right to bare arms, but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

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