Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

A woman was attending her husband's funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word. The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, "Plethora." He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, "Thanks. That means a lot."

It's July 3rd, lots of people are setting off fireworks, and there's a storm where I live with a lot of thunder- I guess nature wanted to join in on the 4rth of July celebrations too!... Happy 4rth of July!

What’s the busiest animal in the world? A mosquito at a nudist colony

What do you call a lucky lemon? A lemonlaid.

What do you call a bear underwater? B

I just converted to Frisbeeterianism We believe that when we die our souls go up on the roof

Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear. It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders. It's a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear

Neo walks in to a resturant... WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS 'NO SPOON'?!

Went through my gfs phone to see if she was cheating All I found was this camera sensor, some ram, and this motherboard

Snow White started a tutoring center for the Dwarves to teach them math. She called it "Making the Little Things Count"

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like… “Scratch that”

Applied for a job designing paralax layers... ...Failed the background test.

What's the easiest way to shampoo a cat? You condition it first.

What does Pinto wear outside in the cold? A beanie

a blonde calls 911 and says "help, help, my house is on fire" ...operater says "stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. how do we get to your house?" Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

What is the most dangerous animal to look out for in a bar? A cougar

Why do some kids dip their Oreos in water? Their dads never came back with the milk...

My Dad says that “talent is not enough” and I’ll never make it as a professional sportsman unless I also develop a “desire to learn”. But what does he know?! I already have what it takes to become quarterback for the Lakers.

What 8 said to 3? You have potential to be me.

A lot of corporations will find gold today Because they're ending their rainbows

Now that the US Supreme Court has crippled the EPA's ability to fight climate change, I'm going to buy myself some beachfront property ... ... in Utah.

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother Runs in the family

why did people start calling the pound symbol hashtag Because pound me too doesnt get the point across

Why did the air vent quit its job? It wasn't a fan

my friend tony asked me to not say his name backwards y not?

I'm not saying the wife is fat or anything. But when she gets on the scales... they read "sorry one at a time please"

I bought a new belt yesterday cost me 200£ It didn't even fit me what a waist

A pervert calls a sweet little old lady and says, "If you guess what I have in my hand, you can have it". The lady replies, "If it fits in one hand, you can feckin' keep it"!!

[First Date] Her: Let’s go get a drink and see where it goes. Him: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

What do you cll a Mexican anime about pirates? Juan piece

What does polygamy need? Mormen.

I showed my son this movie where one character is putting dimes and quarters into a cage. My son loves it, says it's his favourite nickel-less cage movie

How does a cat pay for stuff With its purrs.

Why does it take so long to travel to Bratislava? Because it is located in Slow-vakia

I'm fast, but unfit... my record for 100 meters is about 13 seconds and my record for 400 meters is about 250 meters.

GF: I'm done with you! I'm tired of you constantly mocking my weight! BF: Soooo, you're not pregnant?

One day, my dad found me crying and he told me to "suck it up." I have to admit, it's a better strategy for dealing with split milk.

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B... But I think Pill O is being slept on.

What does a scalpel have in common with a woman who had a hysterectomy? They're both sterile.

I drank so much soda, I got the runs! I can’t stop running around the backyard!

- a joke from my 8 year old
- I substituted “soda” for the actual brand that he said. >!it was ^powerade!<

A gorilla ask the zookeeper if he has heard about the escaped gorilla The zookeeper says no. The gorilla replies, that’s because I’m a quiet gorilla

*muffled gorilla violence*

Friend 1: Hey, I've invited 17people for movie tonight at our home, wanna come? Friend 2: Yeah sure but why so many people ?
Friend 1: It's because the DVD says 18+ viewers only

You know, people tell me organ meat is offal... But personally I think German meats are the wurst.

What's the difference between roast beef and peanuts? roast isn't stored in beef, but pee is stored in the nuts.

How do you make a vegetable stew? Keep telling them their hospital bills!

I love to drink 2% milk every morning, but I've always wondered what's the other 98%?

A nerd went to phys ed class and the teacher told him to do 100 sit-ups. The nerd did four and got up. The teacher said, "You're not finished, I said 100" and the nerd said "You obviously don't understand binary."

I suspect my daughter might enjoy alphabet pasta... but I don't want to put words in her mouth.

Where do snakes go to hook up? Adelaide

Where do evil wizards do their shopping? Volde Mart.

I wanted to tell a joke involving Sodium and Hydrogen... But NaH.

Have you heard about Don Jon becoming a software developer? He was having trouble using version control due to his commitment issues.

I’m a big fan of Fraud and have been since I was a child. He‘s the father of psychology. Who wouldn’t be?

My wife and I got into an argument about how I never stick to my word, it finally got really bad and she said I had to put my money where my mouth is So I got her a pedicure

How do you calculate the cost of a medical procedure in the United States? Find the uninsured cost at a Canadian clinic, then add two zeros. Three if a hospital stay is required.

What did the hematologist say to the patient after surgery? You’ll recover I thrombus!

What's the difference between canoeing and swimming? Row vs wade

archaeologists are like 50 to 100% sure they found the original ship of thesius I kinda feel this part is uneccecary, but rules are rules.

Umm. Why did the Rooster cross the road To get to his chick

How do you call a human pear? A pear-son.

Why do gangs make the best pizza? Because their pieces are always loaded.

I saw a book on obedience training for cats… It was in the fairy-tails section.

my favourite type of art is pointillism Because all other art just seems a bit more pointless

USA has successfully invented a time machine... ... their laws have started travelling back in time!

A new nightclub opened in my town, but it went out of business quickly. It was called the "Watch Your Head" bar.

Apparently, nobody walked into it.

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree? The circle of life!

25 years ago, my wife was attracted to me because I was ripped and had a 6-pack Now she tells me I have a quarter barrel.

When a Woman Complained to Her Grocer... about a high priced jar of pickles, she was told that the reason was because of the pickle juice.

Dill water runs steep.

Britain just checkmated the world... With Queen to G7.

What's the main ingredient of a seizure salad? Epilettuce

How does Putin change a lightbulb? He holds it in place and waits for the world to turn around him.

What currency do the Greeks use? Gyros

Why can't a prostitute count to 70? Because their mouth's full after 69

What do you call a dating app for computers? Love at First Site

What do Dora The Explorer and Jack The Ripper have incommon Same middle name

Cop gave me a ticket for doing fifteen over the limit. I didn't know radar guns could measure beers.

A wife asked the doctors if she could freeze her husband's sperm after he was killed. The doctors said they didn't know how they could pull that off.

What do you call someone who looks after hens? A chicken tender.

I used to date someone from Albania, Viet Nam, Turkey, Morocco, Trinidad and Tobago, Russia, Tennessee, Tunisia, and China Too many red flags

Whats a stormtroopers favourite snack? Empire biscuits.

I was just busted with baby corn How many ears am I looking at?

I had the strangest dream last night, I fell asleep inside a muffler I woke up exhausted