Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working
If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
What does a werewolf YouTuber say at the end of his videos? Don't forget to lycan subscribe!
Why are spirits so into literature? Because they want to be ghost writers.
Some fish spend their time alone They think they’re too cool for school
People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables? constipated
Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him? Everybody knows paper beats rock
Why can't you tell school school shooting jokes in the US? Because it's always too soon.
Yo mama’s so fat When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
On which side a mug has its handle? Outside.
Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government? He was a civil serpent.
He’s going to be alright. The guy who lost his left arm in the freak accident? He’s going to be alright.
I think my roommate wants to kick me out.
Therapist: "You're single, and live alone with your cat?"
Me: "Yeah, but I can tell she's done putting up with all my mental health
Your momma's so fat That when she jumped into the air she got stuck.
I wanted to wish everyone here a happy Spanksgiving... ...but that would have been quite cheeky of me.
What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ?? Thata ginger would have two friends.
What did Taylor Swift say at the first Thanksgiving?
I’M THE PILGRIM
Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits. I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.
I don't mind if a woman has cellulite. Why should her phone service matter?
Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving? It’s too fowl.
I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...
I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...
...now he's Swim Shady.
Did you hear about the fat criminal?
We thought we shut him down.
He’s still at large.
What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ? Teapot
My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge. I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.
How do budtenders mark which strain is which? Hashtags
Whats one question that can easily identify a narcissist? “What’s your name?”
I wanted to make a joke about lazy people But I don’t think it would’ve worked.
One day I was making vegetable soup But unfortunately the wheelchair didn't fit
Bill Clinton gets kicked out of every bakery in Paris. He constantly feels their pain.
My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing. "And they are Off!!!!!!!!"
When I was little I saw a sign that said “Wet Paint”. It turns out that they didn’t want me to.
My ex wife is an esthetician w/ various skills but she mainly does massages for various men with various careers. You could say she's a "jack off all trades"
How did the burglar break in? Intruder window
Footballer: Why did you give the other team a penalty, ref?
Refereee: You just burped right into my face.
Footballer: Well, that should only be a freak hic.
I don’t see what the big deal about Black Friday is. All Fridays matter.
I just had a one night stand with a robot That's what I call a 'nut & bolt'
Life is like driving behind a BMW. You‘ll never know when it suddenly takes a turn.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day? “Quack! Quack!”
What's the fastest growing city in the world? The capital of Ireland. It keeps Dublin and Dublin and Dublin.
How is Korean boxing like baseball? They always knock out one of the Parks.
Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa? You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.
She said she missed me.... Normally that would be good thing, except I can see she is reloading.
A man knocked on my door
And said he was collecting for the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water.
Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine? They say he had Butterballs.
As she was doing her makeup, I told my fiancee that she looked like an Apache warfighter
Her: that's kinda racist
Me: Sioux me
Why didn’t Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day? No well
at the library
Guy asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book on small penises?"
She checks the computer, "I don't think it's in yet."
"That's the one!!"
Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
My wife left me because
Of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose? His name was Nostrildamus.
While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.
I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."
If your friend wants to say the word "motel" backwards, letom.
What's the hardest part of being addicted to money? The withdrawals.
Why is everyone so mad at me? I was told to bring a “Hostess” gift to the party… …I brought a DOZEN Twinkies.
My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.
She said, "Hand me that oven mitt" and as he pretended to try and lift the entire oven, the Romney's laughed, but not quite as much this year.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library, it has the most stories
Hey baby, you wanna play pilgrim thanksgiving? That’s where you squat and I gobble!
What do you get when you cross a rock'n'roller with a triangle of cheese spread? DairyLea Lewis
What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? … This ain’t my first rodeo
what do you call it when your french friend copies you co-pierre
February 2nd and the groundhog arises from its hole to see a shadow… the shadow of my front left tire…six more weeks of winter but not for him…
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists. It's great, they send me new matches every day.
Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest? He was grounded
Why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards? Cause if they went forwards they'd just fall in the boat.
I needed socks for outdoors winter.
I thought I would need two layers.
So I bought two *pairs...*
Read my username.
What do you call an asthmatic emporer? Julius Wheezer
It doesn't matter how kind you are German children are always Kinder.
I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number.
Credit: Michael Mcintyre
2 guys walk into a bar. The first guys says I'll get H2O. The second guys says I'll get H2O too. He died.
What’s the best name for the wife of a marksman? Amy
Being a mother of a teenager... ..is _*FINALLY*_ understanding why some animals _*eat*_ their young.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can not tell me that's a coincidence!
What do you call an Egg that makes music? Skrilleggs.
If you don't know what to say on your first date try to talk about global warming. It's a great icebreaker.
What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it? Envelope.
Why was the window dancing? ...because of the door jam!
I accidentally ate my cat's food last night Don't ask meow
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake? He was stuffed.
I heard the judge threaten to disbar my lawyer. SMH, they done gave me a saloon owner to defend me.
What does Tony Soprano eat on thanksgiving? Gobble Gobble Gool
All this neopronouns stuff is cool and all... I just can’t find a guide on how to pronouns them.
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender hands him a drink, and says, "No charge."
What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market. A tall medium who shorts.