Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

I would tell you a joke about spices But it would just be a waste of thyme

My brother asked me for some weed so I gave him some. He’s the new kid in school, doesn’t really know anyone and doesn’t have the best social skills. I guess that’s how it goes in kindergarten.

Why did the greatest fisherman in the world get arrested? Masterbaiting in public

People come to us whenever they want to talk to the dead. Sometimes they are startled when they see us. My sister is pretty large and I’m pretty small. But together, I tell them, we are a medium.

I find myself buying the same mosquito repellent my boyfriend gives me I guess you could say he's rubbing Off on me

Want to hear a joke about bad memory? Never mind I forgot the joke

44% of Marriages end in divorce. That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics.

Do you know how annoying it is to drill small holes? Only a little bit.

I asked a genie to make me a nightmare for others. He turned me into a nocturnal horse that helps people.

How did cavemen survive the extinction of the dinosaurs? Temporal distancing

It's wrong to call childbirth delivery. Actually, it's take-out.

Why do some zombies hang out at truckstop bathrooms? They’re looking for gory holes.

What type of blanket makes you cold? No blanket makes you cold.

Credit: my son was complaining that his blanket is not making him cold.

What starts with B and is full of B? A beehive!

What country has the highest population of fish? Finland

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A tractor.

Why do people tell you to sit down for bad news Because you might not be able to stand it

The popcorn brand “Pop Secret” is a play on the classification “Top Secret” Maybe someone got confused and thought their home safe was a microwave?

Been in there for 19 months, should’ve heard a couple pops by now right?

Why was the man yelling “Putin is an idiot” at a street corner in Moscow arrested? High treason by revealing State-secrets.

So, 3 guys are ranching. Guy 1 crouches near a cowpie.
Guy 2: I hear cowpies are delicious! You should try it.
Guy 3: Don't eat cowpies, that's bullshit!

what do you call a disabled parrot? Cerebral polly

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time But I’d be Lion.

I won an Iphone 13 in a race The other two competitors are: the owner of the phone and police officers

What kind of pirate pees on you? Rrrrrrrr Kelly

Why is Greek food so filling? Because once you eat it, it's always Sparta you.

Where do Alfa Romeo owners go to meet Land Rover owners? The bus!

I got confused with the words jacuzzi and yakuza... Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

What do you call a group of brittish women with bad attitudes? Britches!

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose? Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

What did the foo fighters fan name their dog? Dave Growl

I ran into a French arborist and asked him how he was doing.. He said "Tree bien"

What do you call a cat drug dealer? Hissenberg

70% of people are stupid I’m obviously part of the other 40%.

[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.] Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?

Galactus loves his planets I bet he enjoys eating Uranus

How do you get you fired from bartending at a bah mitzvah? Make a mazel tov cocktail.

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist. He checked a lot of boxes.

What's a rednecks favorite excercise? Hick ups

Memory foam made to bounce back is- short term memory foam.

I fancy myself an entomologist. I have a way with words... ...when it comes to bugs.

Why do sharks make excellent life coaches? Because they’re always moving forwards

On their first day in Kathmandu, a wife asks her husband if he wants to go out sightseeing. He says, "Namaste here."

What's the best profession a person can have that you'll date? A mortician. They'll be the last person to ever let you down.

What did the suspicious husband say after he caught his wife cheating inside an igloo? Inuit!

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated. On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

If a single germ can infect over 300 people... Imagine what a married one could do.

What do they call the classic rock of people in their current 40s? Middle Age Against The Machine

I’m not sure how fast the average horse can run I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm... ...But alas, it was all in vein.

Boss pulled me aside and wanted a quick word… I said “race car”.

What do you say at the end of Scrabble? One opponent says - This was a great game.
You - Yes it has been, I mean Yes it has, bro.

What did the pirate in the bar say when he found out the joke was not original? ARRRRRRHH/Jokes

a joke I made.. How do pilots like their food They like it plane

A programmer got stuck in the shower... because the bottle said rinse and repeat.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81… He said no!

Is there much difference between a house fly and a horse fly? Neigh.

Last night my son came out as transgender, ftm. He asked if I was mad and I said absolutely not but I am a little worried. He looked confused and asked why. I said, well, I’m worried everyone will see right through me bc I am now *transparent*

what rock group has 4 men that can't sing? Mt. Rushmore

Why does Anakin Skywalker hate Metallica? Because their biggest songs are Enter Sandman and Master of Puppets.

Women Are Like Square Roots If they're under 25, just do them in your head.

Why can’t you teach the concept of irony to a kleptomaniac? Because they take everything..literally.

How do lawyers sleep? They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

I finally managed to turn my ducking autocorrect off! oh wait…

How to be polite. I tried to be a gentleman today and hold the door for someone, Turns out it's not polite if it is a revolving door.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine? The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks I had to sell my car to pay the bill

What's Rihanna's favorite utensil ? WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK
He said me haffi WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK

Why shouldn't you start a war with China? Because they'll show a Wonton disregard for human life.

As a child, I was so immature. I'd spend any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then crash them and around like an idiot. But now I've really matured.

I now any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then display them on my shelf

How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck? Neck-romancer.

Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer...

I recently got hired as a USPS mailman. I was really excited about it, but my dog wouldn’t talk to me for a week afterwards!

What is the worst part of being a mechanic? Always working on Brakes.

I've lived on Mars for years However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians. I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

Do you like eggs? I have them in the morning with my toast.
Sometimes sunny side up, sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy.
I think they're eggsellent.

Things were much better for me back in the day Especially when I wasn't born yet --those days I could kick a pregnant lady all day long and everyone would be happy that I'm doing something

What’s the difference between a joke and 2 dicks You can’t take a joke

French Star Wars fans have something to look forward to every week.... Each Thursday is the Return of the Jeudi.

Peter Pan and cancer kids They never get old

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union... then that's a red flag