Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

What if you walk into a restraunt and see a line of people waiting to punch you That's it, that's the punchline

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ? Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

Two birds are sitting in a tree looking down on their pray. One says to the other "i can't carry it, but toucan"

I know it's bad, came up with it bored at work.

Who’s the most popular guy at a nudist resort? The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

How much do Pirates pay to get piercings...? A Buccaneer.

My 11 yr old got me with this one. What does a dog do that humans step into?

Pants

What does Medusa and Marjuana have in common? They both can get you stoned

What sound does a preachers gun make? -





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Pew Pew!

I accidently said "Gazuntite" after my crush sneezed. Now she's staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

Yet another Hokey Pokey Jokey I used to be able to do the Hokey Pokey but I put my back out.

What would you call cellphones if they existed in the 1920s? Walkie-talkies

Women: If I work hard enough, I wont have to be a stripper. Men: If I work hard enough, I can be stripper.

What type of insects do sailers eat on voyages? Sea Beescuits.

I just got offered a full ride scholarship to the university of Norte dame They want me to be the star hunchback.

Do you know why hand sanatizers only kill 99% of germs? To leave someone to tell the story

Which room is the easiest to install windows in, regardless of it's position in the building? A server room.

What did the Arab Surfer bro' say? Hasad, Dude.

When Baby corn asked mama corn where’s popcorn Mama corn told baby corn sadly “popcorn never came back with the butter”

A waiter gives a man a cup of coffe The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out;and says “Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.”

The waiter looking surprised replies “ Yessir it was ground this morning.”

I bought a new mattress that was hand-made in Nepal. It's an Everest.

Why did the seamen cross the street? Wrong socks Yoda wore because.

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow... ...a meatier shower”.

Whats the smartest thing about people? their phones

Whole new view of lawfirms Lawyers are just there to get you off....

Legally.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away. A whim away a whim away...

What do you call a cheap hair removal service? A rip off

What does succession, the waking dead, and the Martin have in common? What does succession, the waking dead, and the Martin have in common?


We all think we will be
One of the survivors.

Men are like a tiled floor. You lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of their life.

A Carbon reveals his romantic feelings to a Daimond the Daimond says "Leave me alone, i've been under a lot of pressure latley."

I'm constantly getting tire'd just from lying down... I probably should stop lying down on the street.

A son asks his Dad 'Why is me sister called Theresa? ..... Dad: Because your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: Anytime Alan

If car-owndership was politicized "My car is making a funny noises. I think I need to get my brakes looked at."

"Whoah buddy, some people would kill for a car. If you hate your car so much, you can **just get out and walk**!!"

Why noone likes Chernobyl fans? Because of their really toxic community.

A woman gave birth, and is holding her kid as she whispers "Oh William". The doctor near her suddenly turns around to say "No, he can't be William. He needs to be Willam". "Why?" Asks the woman. Because he only has one eye

What did the Chinese say to Genghis Khan before he launched his invasion? "What are you doing, steppe bro!?"

A woman is giving the birth and the baby comes out. Holding her son in her hands, she says "Oh, my dear William". The doctor near her says "No. He can't be william" - to which, the woman asks why. "Because he only has one eye!"

Why can’t I use “beefstew” as my password Because it’s not stroganoff

What do you call a dyselxic, amateur wizard? Dude who can barely spell.

Foundation repair company with slogan Crack Whores... "We fill any crack"

Did you here about the wrapping papers new hit single? X-mas gon’ give it to y’a.

What is the number one exported alcoholic beverage of the Caymen Islands? Caymen Cider. I hear it's pretty filling.

A shout out to Jussie Smollette On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

How do policemen in Wisconsin talk to eachother? With Mil-walkie talkies

My sons cheezits joke. You should name the dog Cheezits! Then if he starts sneezing, you can call him Sneezits!

I laughed and thought his 8 year old genius needed shared with the world.

What was the bar tender's favorite composer? Phillip Glass

So I tried the 1v1 mode in multiplayers These are the worst random idiot teammates I ever got, but at least in this mode it's expected.

What do you get when YouTubers Rhett & Link pass away? Good Mythical Mourning

I went to the local auction house because the advert said lots for sale False advertising, they only had land

I confused my codiene tablets for my allergy meds and took them 3 times a day for a week. Turns out its an anti-shitstamine.

Another old blonde joke What did the blonde do when she woke up?

​

Get dressed and go home.

Last night, while watching old “Little Rascals” movies, I realized cattle aren’t herbivores, they’re omnivores. If you give them the opportunity, they’ll eat Buckwheat and Alfalfa.

Whs is the NHL stadium so cool? Coz every seat got fan in it.

Twenty years from now, kids listening to "Baby it's cold outside" are gonna find it really, really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood in the context of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside.

I was hanging out with my Scizophrenic friend and all of a sudden he bursted into fits of laughter I asked what was so funny and he said "you wouldn't get it, it's an inside joke"

My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad. But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists? Communism

What does George R.R. Martin's "Winds of Winter", South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham and Star Citizen have in common? None of them are coming out.

What do you call a red head with a yeast infection A ginger bread house

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store... But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

Bar tender said the beers were on the house. So why didn't he give me a ladder?

What Do You Call A Firework That Doesnt Work? a fire-dont-work

What did Tucker Carlson’s bottle of Gator Aid say to a glass of lemonade? The juice will not replace us!

what do you call someone that mooches all your low-card snacks? Keto Kaelin

I asked my wife if “Jingle Bells” is her favorite Christmas song. She replied, “Noelle”. Call me crazy, but “Jinge Bes” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

What do they call Jehova Whitness in China? Ding Dong

Why did the barometer not do such a good job showing its presentatoon to the [noble] gasses? It was under a lot of pressure.

Why can't you get Chinese food in China? Because there, it's just called food.

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

Where did Phil Collins record all his songs? In the Stu-Stu-Studio

A blond is returning to US from Brazil lifts her skirt at US inmigration officer: thank you mam, it looks really nice but I think you got confused between vax and wax

A Scandanavian man walks into a bar He orders and drinks an entire glass of beer.

"Are you finished?" asked the bartender.

The man looks at the bartender and says

"No I'm Swedish"

Where can you find the US army? You can find it in South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and maybe in the United State.

What did Dumbledore say when Harry was forcing him to drink the emrald green potion in Voldemort's cave? You son of a witch!

Can we ban "can we ban" jokes? They're extremely repetitive. Just like Buster8x's mother.

My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwhich. Hospital bill is pretty high.

What do Somalian pirates say as they board a ship? Arrr-lahu Akbar

A man from the country was doing shopping cart’s at Walmart on Monday evenings. He left. He worked hard and got a degree at a NY university. Now he’s doing shopping cart’s for Target on Friday evenings. Never give up.

I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back. I get no respect.

What do you call a sunburnt daschund? A hot dog!

Why did the Danish person become a plumber? Because he loves clogs

Yo momma so fat that when she visits the beach shes asked to leave So the tide can come in