Only Funny Jokes

Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Score: 61413

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

Score: 47756


*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

Score: 47510

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Score: 38709

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Score: 37318

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

Score: 35246

New Jokes

A new guy starts work at a bakery. He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.

It's the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: "Wow, wholemeal loaf day!". And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you're telling a story about a bakery.

On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words "Danish Pastry day" on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of "Doughnut day! Yes!!!" heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.

But on Friday:

"I don't understand it," says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. "It's his cake day and he's made barely any effort at all."

Score: 7018

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

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My ex wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying... Arson

Score: 387

The German word for bra is ... stoppemfrumfloppen

Score: 168

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife: "My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall
be back before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.

You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

See you in a week's time!''

Score: 171

A black man walks into a restaurant.. There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

Edit: My dad told me this joke when I was a kid, but I get it, I took a poem and ruined it. Everyone make sure to keep commenting about how it was a poem so I dont forget it.

Score: 951