Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

Man walks into psychiatrists office wearing nothing buy underwear made out of plastic wrap The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."

It's better verbally than written, but you get it.

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My freind got in a car crash, I visited him at the hospital today and asked him how he's doing, he said "I'm doing good, and there's only minor damage" I responded "that's good" and he chuckled, he said "only the children died"

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Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg. I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

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The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

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This is the dumbest joke in the world Where does a general keep his armies?



In his sleevies.

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What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets? Underlay! Underlay!

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There's a 100% chance that if you go to a dyslexic masseuse she'll rub you the wrong way

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After graduating highschool I signed on to serve... The pay wasn't great but the tips were pretty nice.

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NSWF what do you call a blonde flipped upside down A brunette with bad breath

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Steve had a bad case of compacted faeces He had a Doctor's appointment at 3pm, but he couldn't go!

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How many phycatrist does take to change a light bulb It only takes one but light bulb has to want to change.

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I just paid to have an underground water collecting system intalled. It was money well spent.

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Why Does the Norway Navy have Bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they come back to the port they can 'Scandinavian'

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What are the names of Dwayne Johnson’s sisters? The Rockettes.

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If germany were to seperate from the EU, would their currency then be Mk. 2?

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Why do many Buddhists don't like to use email? Because they don't like attachments.

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A politician was arrested at his office and found guilty of cannibalism One of his colleagues had called the police on him after spotting him eating a ham sandwich

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I asked the circumcision doctor if he got good pay He said no, he just keeps the tips

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What is the most uplifting flower? Arose

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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short Looks like they ran out of characters.

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Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

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What d you call a blind vampire? Count see

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What do you call an Old James Bond? Bearer Bond

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What do Russia & Communism have in common? Every time someone tries to take on either, they always say “it’ll be different this time.”

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I tried listening to “Are you gonna be my girl?” on Spotify but the audio kept stuttering. I hate Jet lag.

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What is Jeffery Epsteins favorite musical key? F Minor.

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Which cat was famous in China but despised by the rest of the world? Mousy Tongue.

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I recently lost my job as a watchmaker I got told it was because I stood around and made faces all day.

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I tried to use a public restroom today, but there was a waiting line There was a bathroom stall for the bathroom stall

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Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetbeer Thereisnospacebar.

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Found a rusty propane tank like thing burried in my backyard today. As I open it with an angle grinder My mind was blown

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What deodorant does Paul Maud'dib use? ...Old Spice

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how do you cure somebody with ADHD? You send them to a concentration camp

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Why do golfers always bring a spare pare of socks Incase they get a hole in one

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I don't like yo mama jokes. They've been done by thousands of ppl Just like yo mama

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My ex broke up with me because I had a habit of quoting Linkin Park too much. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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A man dies a returns to life as a cowboy I call that reintarnation.

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What is a vegetable’s favorite joke? Beets me!

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Why shouldn't you yell into a colinder? You'll strain your voice.

​

(credits go to u/trewpowor)

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I doubled by chances for diarrhea this morning. NFSW? I put on a brand new pair of underwear.

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My friend gave me her Epi–Pen as she was dying. I held her hand and took it.


I don't know why but it seemed very important to her that I have it.

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I am an accomplished trophy hunter. My last trip was a once in a lifetime adventure. I shot a rhino, a giraffe, a lion, and even an elephant. It also got me banned from the zoo.

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What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day? A barber.

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What did Anakin say to Padamae when he proposed? Yoda only one I want

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What sound does a pidgeon make when it sneezes? “Aaa-cooo!”

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What do you call an arabic fastfood place? Alahu snackbar

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Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

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Did you hear about the Donkey that changed it's gender pronouns? They now prefer Hee/Haw

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So Norm Macdonald died As he would have wanted, there is no punchline.

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What's a narcoleptic's favorite 90s sitcom? Suddenly Snoozin'

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The twin towers are like genders There were 2 of them and now they’re a sensitive topic.

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Why did the US pullout off Afghanistan? Because they didn't want a commitment

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What do you call a driver that brakes all the way down a hill? Wasted potential

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That time I got pulled over for drunk driving. The cop shined his flashlight on me and asked, “Where ya headed?”

I just shrugged and said, “Jail!”

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What's the difference beyween a bun and a kid who's following in his parents' footsteps by posting fake stuff on the internet. One's a bread roll. The other's a bred troll.

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Why does the Taliban bring a car door with them in the dessert? So they can roll down the window if it gets to hot.

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An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?" The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

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My friends’s car had a puddle of oil dripping from its differential I said, “looks like you blew a seal”. He wiped his mouth and said, “Naw, it’s just mayonnaise from my sandwich “

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Where does a cow go pee?(kindergartner’s joke) A Peeing Factory.

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'Tea'meo & 'Coffee'et Coffee : You are such a hot tea

Tea : I bet you would keep me up all night ;)

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I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday I think he may be plotting something.

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I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum." I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

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Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times. Just like yo momma.

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What's smarter than the average bear? 50% of all bears.

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Water boarding gets a lot of bad press But the search to cure hiccups will continue no regardless!

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Why does the Swedish Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships? So they can Scandinavian

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A 2020's Nightclub Nightclubs in 2050 will have a 2020's theme night, with masks as dress-code, a maximum occupancy of 6, and a bartender behind a wall of pyrex.

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Then there was the time I snagged my tongue piercing on her naval piercing: I was caught between a rack and a hot place!

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It's pretty ironic that usually people that lost legs or were paraliyzed Have the most *moving* stories

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Q: What do you call a 7 year old with no friends? A: A Sandy Hook survivor.

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What’s the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson? I’m not really Willie Nelson.

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What woulda Hot Ones by Sean Evans guest say if he accidentally drops the last bottle of hot sauce on camera? My Apollo-gies

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Why did the Afgan president leave so fast? He didn't want to have his assets Talibanned.

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Have you heard about the female rapper who only battled during her menstrual cicle? Thay say she has a mean flow

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A parrot walks into a bar A parrot walks into a bar, slaps a small fish on top of the barstool, then stands on the fish and orders a drink. "What's with the fish?" the bartender asks. The parrot replies, "This is my perch."

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What do you call an old Austrailian orangutan with outdated views? A boomer-rang

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One thing surprising is that they don't have television in Afghanastan It's because of the Tele-ban

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My 6th cake day . So lets make a appropriate joke. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

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If feelings could genrate power... I would get lots of watts.

Edit: And to those not getting the joke, I am sorry for all this confusion.

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I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except that the Earth is Flat

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What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favourite movie? Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer

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What's Jimmy saviles favourite musical note? A-minor

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