Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

What do you call an arabic fastfood place? Alahu snackbar

Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

Did you hear about the Donkey that changed it's gender pronouns? They now prefer Hee/Haw

So Norm Macdonald died As he would have wanted, there is no punchline.

What's a narcoleptic's favorite 90s sitcom? Suddenly Snoozin'

The twin towers are like genders There were 2 of them and now they’re a sensitive topic.

Why did the US pullout off Afghanistan? Because they didn't want a commitment

What do you call a driver that brakes all the way down a hill? Wasted potential

That time I got pulled over for drunk driving. The cop shined his flashlight on me and asked, “Where ya headed?”

I just shrugged and said, “Jail!”

What's the difference beyween a bun and a kid who's following in his parents' footsteps by posting fake stuff on the internet. One's a bread roll. The other's a bred troll.

Why does the Taliban bring a car door with them in the dessert? So they can roll down the window if it gets to hot.

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?" The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

My friends’s car had a puddle of oil dripping from its differential I said, “looks like you blew a seal”. He wiped his mouth and said, “Naw, it’s just mayonnaise from my sandwich “

Where does a cow go pee?(kindergartner’s joke) A Peeing Factory.

'Tea'meo & 'Coffee'et Coffee : You are such a hot tea

Tea : I bet you would keep me up all night ;)

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday I think he may be plotting something.

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum." I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times. Just like yo momma.

What's smarter than the average bear? 50% of all bears.

Water boarding gets a lot of bad press But the search to cure hiccups will continue no regardless!

Why does the Swedish Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships? So they can Scandinavian

A 2020's Nightclub Nightclubs in 2050 will have a 2020's theme night, with masks as dress-code, a maximum occupancy of 6, and a bartender behind a wall of pyrex.

Then there was the time I snagged my tongue piercing on her naval piercing: I was caught between a rack and a hot place!

It's pretty ironic that usually people that lost legs or were paraliyzed Have the most *moving* stories

Q: What do you call a 7 year old with no friends? A: A Sandy Hook survivor.

What’s the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson? I’m not really Willie Nelson.

What woulda Hot Ones by Sean Evans guest say if he accidentally drops the last bottle of hot sauce on camera? My Apollo-gies

Why did the Afgan president leave so fast? He didn't want to have his assets Talibanned.

Have you heard about the female rapper who only battled during her menstrual cicle? Thay say she has a mean flow

A parrot walks into a bar A parrot walks into a bar, slaps a small fish on top of the barstool, then stands on the fish and orders a drink. "What's with the fish?" the bartender asks. The parrot replies, "This is my perch."

What do you call an old Austrailian orangutan with outdated views? A boomer-rang

One thing surprising is that they don't have television in Afghanastan It's because of the Tele-ban

My 6th cake day . So lets make a appropriate joke. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

If feelings could genrate power... I would get lots of watts.

Edit: And to those not getting the joke, I am sorry for all this confusion.

I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except that the Earth is Flat

What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favourite movie? Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer

What's Jimmy saviles favourite musical note? A-minor

Why is it problematic nowdays for a male kangaroo to make living as a comedian? Because people dislike boomer humor

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001 It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

I have a question for only fans users Why don’t you get air conditioning instead

Four people were involved in a stand off where they all shot and killed eachother. It was a four gun conclusion.

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat. It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

How did dinsouras survived without internet I guess they didn't

My lpcal sasquatch hates being called bigfoot... ...Yeti never complains

The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand He says, “Make me one with everything.”

What begins with 'm' and ends with arrige? Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old and the baby doesn't either!

I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!" And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers? The celery was unacceptable!

What did Nickel back do when he was hungry? Borrowed 45 cents then 58.

What did Xi Xinping say after hearing this pun? L-MAO!

What’s a cannibal’s favorite smoothie? A blended family

Why was the body builder playing with knives? Because he wanted to get cut

I think i may be sexually attracted to eletronics Because i want to take a bath with my toaster.

Where do you buy a service station? On Tebay.

Guy: it was a mistake i didnt mean to kill him. Cop: there's no such thing as a Mistake only happy little accidents.

Me and Detective Mobious from Loki have something in common We both got dealt a variant

Why doen't Ganon use the Internet? Too many Links

Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"? It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English. So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.

He listens.

"Ticket to midway one-way."

When it's his turn, he asks.

"Ticket to new york one-ork"


~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

Mostly white inhabitants of some southern states are thinking of succeeding from the USA. That's right. It's happening. REDNEXIT

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?" They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

You know what they say about anti-depressants? The more the merrier :)

English stationery set for sale. It has 3 pens missing though.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do? Living life on the edge.

Why can’t British people loose at chess? Because their Queen never dies

Sir I’m afraid you’ve only got 5 to live “5 what”
4,3,2,1

My wife and I went camping to save our marriage It was an tents situation

Chicken pie in the Bahamas... A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I just learned how to play both Alto & Tenor Saxaphones. I'm Bi-Saxual!

Why did the mushroom want to goto a party? Because he was sure he was a fungi

Acronym's Don't Have Definite.... Sorry I lost my train of thought.

How do call a group of ribs A meat-ing

why do you poor coke over ice? ice was too addicting

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people. If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

Apple is planning to release a vaccum cleaner in a couple of years. It's rumored to be the only Apple product that won't suck.

A big nose isn’t an excuse for not wearing a facemask I mean, I still wear underwear

You know what they say about homophones... They all sound the same.

Did you hear Fast n Furious 11 is being shown at Olive Garden? Because when you’re here you’re family.

what did the syscraper say to the earthquake im high on crack

The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women They said it was a nun issue.

I can attract any female mosquito

You Americans may have the right to bare arms, but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.