Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working
If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts? They are both suspended.
Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland? Disneyland
What's a russian netflix knock-off called? ^(HET)FLIX
Wife: i can’t take it anymore. You have to choose if it’s either me or the alcohol. Which is it? Husband: it’s you, I can tell by the voice
So now I've developed an allergy to honey :( It brings me out in hives.
Why don’t dentists like math? They don’t like calculus.
With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind. But I'm willing to try.
Did you hear about the football player who was fired after he got into comedy? He kept punting even when there was no punt intended.
Met my first Mandalorian today
He was a Wisconsin dairy farmer, took me on a tour of a Mando dairy. First, he showed me the snack curd-making facility, then pointed and said,
“This is the whey.”
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
My niece asked for crayons to send a Marine overseas a gift during the holidays... I got her a sixty-four pack so he could share with his squad.
The Bayeux Tapestry is not historically accurate The whole story has been embroidered.
I was thinking of making a chemistry joke But I was unable to find a base
Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter. He plans to buy it.
My favorite movie is Sgusmpss.
You know that T. Hanks movie.
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you”.
My girlfriend was treating me coldly, so I asked my friend if he would kindly inquire as to why.... He said okay, 'Alaska'.
I have a wedding at the same time of my World Cup match, can anyone take my place? The place is St. Parish Church and the Bride's name is Paula.
I went to the store to get 6 cans of sprite It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day Teach a man how to catfish, and he eats for life
OC: How did the pirate announce he'd banned Kanye from the treasure hunt? “There be no gold for Ye here.“
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
How many artists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He turned it into a sculpture.
What kind of ice cream do they sell at airports Plain ice cream
What do you call a book club which is stuck on the same book? a church
“Do we have any butter?” She said.
“Sticks?” I asked.
“No, dumbass! BUTTER.”
Doctor said I have Good news and Bad News. I said I just want the good news right now. He said I will have a heart disease named after me.
What’s a stormtrooper’s favourite store? The one right next to the Target
One fish, two fish, red fish, dead fish. Turbines, am I right?
What algorithm does Amber Heard use to dig for gold? Depp First Search.
Girl, our relationship is like a Himalayan pink salt lamp… I don’t think it’s working, and I feel nothing.
What kind of car has five wheels? Most of them
If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would the inscriptions on their bath towels say? Hisss and Hearse
The holidays are coming up, and I've set a New Years resolution for myself 1920x1080
What's the top car brand in Scandinavia? Fjord
I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes. Not made by me.
Two drums and a cymbal fall into a bottomless pit.
Wait for it..
.. wait for it..
Why did the chicken listen to The Doors? to Break On Through to the other side…
What do you call an African bird with special educational needs? A SENigull
People who don't want to really commit suicide but like the rush deal in agricultural land. They sell-farm
A doctor was examining his newest patient
As testing went on, the doctor said "I'm not quite certain what's wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking."
So the patient said "That's OK, Doc- I'll just come back when you're sober!"
What do you call a female electric guitarist? Roxane Rolls
Why doesn't the Holy Grail hold wine? It's holey.
When my friends talk about the 80s they think of boom boxes..i had to stop them. That's just a stereo type
Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car? It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.
Why is "why did the chicken cross the road?" considered the very first dad joke? It was originally "why did the egg cross the road?" but it didn't have legs.
There are three kinds of people in the world People who can count, and people who can't.
I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film. It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.
What’s the most important part of becoming a train? The training.
How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old? They are all boomers in the end
If a bar patron spills their drink, it's a party foul - what is it called when the bartender spills a drink? A Pour Showing.
What's a dictator's favorite kind of tea?
Ba dum tiss.
I was struggling on the last part of a crossword for a long while.
So I asked my wife for help.
I said, "A broad road in a town...Six letters...I still haven't got it!"
She said, "Avenue?"
I said, "No, I haven't. Stop rubbing it in."
Did you hear about the bladder infection people are getting from the RSV that’s been going around? The doctors are calling it RSV Pee
What do you call a guy with no friends or a house? Ho-me-less
The signal in the sky
During the filming of “Footloose,” Kevin looks up into the night sky and sees the silhouette of of fried pork.
“What’s that?” he asks his friend.
“It’s the bacon beacon, Bacon!”
With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner. But that's a Wurst-Käse scenario.
Tampax recently announced they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie… Hans down.
How did the crab pay for his lunch? With a SAND dollar!
There's some green stuff growing on my roof... Not sure what it is but I'd lichen it to moss
The flat earth society Is relatively large organization with members all across the globe
What do you call and Englishman's walking cane? A ChapStick
Two fleas are on Robinson Crusoe's back. One turns to the other and says, "Well, so long, I'll see you on Friday."
Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day… Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life
What can you find in an English cannibal's home? A liver pool.
To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday Can you please stop calling my new phone?
Last night, I was knocked out by a stoner and ended up in hospital... When I came to, I asked what happened and the doctors said I had blunt force trauma.
I once dated a girl from Tunisia Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags
TIL the only year the "Buffalo Nickel" was minted was in 1976 for America's... ...bison-tennial
"Well," said the older man to his lady friend, "my stick has seen better days and my bag doesn't have much left in it, but I'll do what I can to satisfy you."
"Would you like me to toast you one or two marshmallows?"
Why did Santa Claus wash his clothes in Tide? It was too cold out Tide.
Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea. I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.
Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts.
The two most important jobs in America are held by foreigners – room service and goal-kicking.
Why didn’t the Chinese steamed bun cry when her mom died? Because it has no fillings.
I told my epileptic friend a joke. He didn't like it. It was a dark, light, dark, light joke.
Why is space so cold? Because we have all the space heaters down here.
I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias
Did you hear the surviving Beastie Boys are publishing a cookbook? It’s called “Foodborne Illness”
New study shows that 7/10 adults suffer from diarrhoea 3/10 enjoy it
What is the most overplayed chord in a Christian band? Gsus