Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

What begins with 'm' and ends with arrige? Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old and the baby doesn't either!

I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!" And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers? The celery was unacceptable!

What did Nickel back do when he was hungry? Borrowed 45 cents then 58.

What did Xi Xinping say after hearing this pun? L-MAO!

What’s a cannibal’s favorite smoothie? A blended family

Why was the body builder playing with knives? Because he wanted to get cut

I think i may be sexually attracted to eletronics Because i want to take a bath with my toaster.

Where do you buy a service station? On Tebay.

Guy: it was a mistake i didnt mean to kill him. Cop: there's no such thing as a Mistake only happy little accidents.

Me and Detective Mobious from Loki have something in common We both got dealt a variant

Why doen't Ganon use the Internet? Too many Links

Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"? It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English. So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.

He listens.

"Ticket to midway one-way."

When it's his turn, he asks.

"Ticket to new york one-ork"


~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

Mostly white inhabitants of some southern states are thinking of succeeding from the USA. That's right. It's happening. REDNEXIT

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?" They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

You know what they say about anti-depressants? The more the merrier :)

English stationery set for sale. It has 3 pens missing though.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do? Living life on the edge.

Why can’t British people loose at chess? Because their Queen never dies

Sir I’m afraid you’ve only got 5 to live “5 what”
4,3,2,1

My wife and I went camping to save our marriage It was an tents situation

Chicken pie in the Bahamas... A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I just learned how to play both Alto & Tenor Saxaphones. I'm Bi-Saxual!

Why did the mushroom want to goto a party? Because he was sure he was a fungi

Acronym's Don't Have Definite.... Sorry I lost my train of thought.

How do call a group of ribs A meat-ing

why do you poor coke over ice? ice was too addicting

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people. If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

Apple is planning to release a vaccum cleaner in a couple of years. It's rumored to be the only Apple product that won't suck.

A big nose isn’t an excuse for not wearing a facemask I mean, I still wear underwear

You know what they say about homophones... They all sound the same.

Did you hear Fast n Furious 11 is being shown at Olive Garden? Because when you’re here you’re family.

what did the syscraper say to the earthquake im high on crack

The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women They said it was a nun issue.

I can attract any female mosquito

You Americans may have the right to bare arms, but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

I would love to tell you a Joke about Bo Burnhams new Special, but you wouldn't get it. Because it's an Insider.

Ona scale of Brittney to Bill Cosby... How free are you tomorrow?

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show... Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

What is the best Three-Piece Swimsiut? Hat, sunglasses and slippers

Road Rage is getting worse these days Like last week a woman was yelling at me when I was driving. And all I did was run over her grandma. Some people

How can you tell the difference between vaccinated vs un-vaccinated people? Ask them who won the election.

Little known fact about Forest Gump. Given his incredible initiative he was known about town as… Forrest Gumption

What do you call a smoothie with weed in it? A drinkable.

I found out my friend has Peek Aboo He's in the ICU

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in the south? If it were invented anywhere else, it’d be called the “teethbrush.”

Want to know how to be a good procastinator ? I will tell you later

Want to be a perfect procastinator ? I will tell you later.

What will be a the menu of a restaurant named karma? There will be no menu you will get what you will deserve

What is the Differenz between a womans husband and boyfriend? About 30 years

Why do Ska Bands make the best Door Dash drivers? Because if you order food they'll *pick it up, pick it up, pick it up*.

Little known fact: StoneHenge was originally meant to be StoneHedge. Yes, the clippers kept breaking.

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race? David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving? It's all over town.

Why did LifeAlert get more business after we colonized earth’s orbit? Everyone was constantly falling in free fall

Next tume you go to a bar, order a guantanamo It's where they put a rag over your head and dump an entire bottle of cuban rum on your face.

Why do Batman’s farts smell sooooo bad? Because once he Gotham in that rubber suit they ain’t got nowhere to go

What does a cell say when you feed it ribosome suger? ATP for me bunghole

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play It's called McBeth

What do you call a satisfied clairvoyant? A happy medium.

-Honney, why are you cleaning windows? It's so dark already. -That's why!

What is a CS:GO player's favourite desert? The Gobi desert

Whats the country called where mango's grow? Mangolia.

What do you call people who observe owls reproducing? A hornithologist.

What did the dad say when he went to Africa? "Hi Hungry!"

What did the time traveling Frenchman from the 80s guess is the capitol of Germany? C'est Bonn?

Theres been an outbreak of bovine novovirus in Austria. The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick.

Were do dogs go to get beers? The pup

Rest in piece the Boiling Water… It will be mist

What kind of poker do stoned cows play? High steaks.

Everytime I eat broccoli's I feel like a giant eating trees. Everytime I eat sausages I feel like your mum

Why did the mulletfish go to the barberfish? To look dapper for all the ladies in fishnet.

How do you get a Pirate to tell you his favorite brand of Rootbeer? Ask them what two letters come after A.
IBC

My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is What do you want to become after the burnout?

Illiterate people ofen confuse me. I knew someone that replaced the word "idea" with "ideal" and it drove me insane.

I tried to explain the difference to him but the ideal of being wrong just didn't sit well with him. It wasn't an idea situation

What does the Chinese cat say? MAO

Why is it so hard to be an organ doner? You need the guts to do it

what does a cow do when it has to change to a diferent location the cow mooooves

When people go to the doctor, why are they called "patients?" Because they first have to hang out in the Waiting Room.

The sun turned the United States flag on the moon bone white Now it’s a Confederate flag.

Floyd Mayweather vs Logal Paul boxing match was definitely staged.... I think Floyd hit his wife harder honestly.