Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

I've had both eyes sown to the back of my head. Never look forward.

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If Queen Elizabeth marries Bill Gates Then will he be called Prince William?

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Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash

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I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy" So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.

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What sport's drink do you find on a farm? Goatarade

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What is Hank Schraders favourite music genre? Mineral

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My kids just read this on a popsicle stick. What do you feed a disapearing cat? Evaporated milk

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Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

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How does Moses makes tea He-brews it

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What do you call it when one boat follows another boat too closely? Sailgating

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I went to a pet store to buy 12 bees.. They gave me 13..

The extra one was a freebie.

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I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying He has diabetes

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What runs through a cop when he follows you for an hour for no appearent reason? ...hmmm, I need arrest!

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I've heard of lot of anti-semetic jokes recently and I'm quite tired of them, especially as my Grandad died in Auschwitz... If anyone wants to know how, he fell off the guard tower.

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At the graduation party of a "remember things better" course the teacher gives out his phone to potential new students "555-77168" And he finishes by saying "Once again my phone is "123-77017"

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I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die... Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?

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What would Gollums name be... ... if he were from Mexico?



Smiguel.

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I keep seeing clips from “An Inconvenient Truth” on my YouTube homepage... Must just be the Al Gore-ithim

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The coolest man in the hospital... Is the ultrasound guy.
Except on his day off, when it’s the hip replacement man.

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How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled? A little lame.

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Q. Why didn't the fencer give a girl a hug? A. He was still on guard.

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I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night... that he had 3 movements.

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What’d they call the guy who invented the number 1? One of a kind.

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When my Doppelganger got on the train and sat right next to me, you can imaine how I felt .... I was beside myself.

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What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine? It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

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Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread... You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

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Where do Incans go to sneeze? Achoo Picchu

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Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy Because it could lead to inflation.

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Why don’t spaceships have bars? In space, a hole in the wall would kill everyone.

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My wife left me because of my poker addiction. I for sure thought she was bluffing.

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Producers of Netflix series "The Crown" are having trouble finding someone to play Prince Andrew. The obvious choice is Kevin Spacey..... He could play the role no sweat.

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What heppens when you mix Christopher walken and a turtle Christopher walken slow!

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idk what to do. my girl always wants me to go deeper and keeps sayin it, but i don’t even have that much so i can’t. i’m all out of conspiracy theories and alien stuff to share with her.

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If you ever feel your job is pointless, just remember It's someones job at BMW to fit indicators

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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. "Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"

"No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

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Today I learned that "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was the first book not written by hand. It was written by Harriet Beecher's toe.

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I notice most of the pun threads are just a bunch of "Can you top this?" comments. I told my wife this thread title to get her opinion and she said "But there's no pun." And I said "Nope hun."

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Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

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What kind of car does a furry drive? A subuwu

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What card game was banded at the orphanage? Happy Families

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What do ducks make on cindo de Mayo? Quackamole...?!

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Yo mumma’s so fat, when she was cremated. They used the whole church.

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What pronouns did the laughing Cis gender person use He he he his him

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I’ve decided I don’t want to get married or have kids I thought my family would be supportive of my decision, but my wife and kids did not take it well

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Mermaids shouldnt be called mermaids they should be called hu-manatee

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"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night. "Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I walk back all by myself?!“

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What time zone does Josef Fritzl live in? In CEST.

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I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory.

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In German culture they tend to save the best food for last... ...its known as “furstwurst”

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I was in line at MacDonalds the other day during the dinner time rush, after 25 minutes I finally get served, the girl at the till says "sorry about the weight"

it's about time someone at MacDonalds apologized.

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Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the Universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy!

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I should talk with my therapist about loosing weight I'm finding these last bit's really hard to let go

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Why did Ron Blagoyavich shine his shoes? So they could match the dimples on his forehead!

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Now the hairdressers are open again, I need to find a decent barber One that's a real cut above the rest

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What is worse than a Boy Scout in your pocket? A Brownie in your pants.

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I squared up against a mannequin at them mall today It's expression was blank

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Raggedy Anne has been banished from the toybox.... She sat on Pinocchio's face and said "lie to me"

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What do cats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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What do you call a black man with Parkinsons disease A chocolate shake

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I don't know why people go crazy over In N Out having a secret meau? massage parlors been having secret menus for years but no one brags to their coworkers they order off that secret menu

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What do they call cruises in Albama? A relationship.

This is honestly the first joke I have ever thought of myself.

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My daughter moved out, she said she wanted to be independant. So I got her a locket with her own picture in it.

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Why does a mathematician with tourrettes lead a private life? A good logician never reveals his ticks.

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Prince Phillip and DMX are standing in line waiting to get into heaven. Phillip turns to him and scoffs, “50?!”

DMX says “nah man you got me confused with another rapper”

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When classical music lovers go for groceries they carry Chopin Litsz. Got it? Frederic chopin and Franz Litsz. They are good though.

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Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals.

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I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating" I said "it's pronounced deprecating"

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What do frogs use when they put a hot-dish on the table? Trivet, trivet, trivet.

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What do you call a girl who was born in the dessert Candy

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What do you call a girl who is born in the dessert Sandy

Edit: I hate myself obviously it's meant to spell desert

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Some kid said “OK Boomer” to me today and I’m 35 I finally felt what it was like to own property.

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You know how people say “it costed me an arm and a leg”. Well today I learned how to use a can opener It only costed me a finger

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Life tip: Never ever yell “Server going down” when you’re delivering a server to a tech company Unless you want the entire company to stick it’s head out and scream at you

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I have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other It's a complex complex complex

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While hiking I saw berries and asked a friend if those are eatible He said "yea, not more than once"

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A patient runs into a doctor’s surgery yelling out: “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking! What should I do?” The doctor replies: “you are just going to have to be a little patient.”

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I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language We clicked right away.

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Where are the "Yes-men" and People Pleasers made? The satisfactory

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“Take off my bra,” said my wife, so I took off her bra. “Now take off my panties,” she said, and I took off her panties. Then she said, “If I ever catch you wearing them again ...”

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What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award

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What did the UTI say to the urethra? Urine trouble.

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A man is lying on a couch in his therapists office... The man: Doc, I think I have a fetish for figuring things out.

Therapist: ...What makes you think that?

The man: I just came to that realization.

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