Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working
If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
What is worse than a Boy Scout in your pocket? A Brownie in your pants.
I squared up against a mannequin at them mall today It's expression was blank
Raggedy Anne has been banished from the toybox.... She sat on Pinocchio's face and said "lie to me"
What do cats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a black man with Parkinsons disease A chocolate shake
I don't know why people go crazy over In N Out having a secret meau? massage parlors been having secret menus for years but no one brags to their coworkers they order off that secret menu
What do they call cruises in Albama?
This is honestly the first joke I have ever thought of myself.
My daughter moved out, she said she wanted to be independant. So I got her a locket with her own picture in it.
Why does a mathematician with tourrettes lead a private life? A good logician never reveals his ticks.
Prince Phillip and DMX are standing in line waiting to get into heaven.
Phillip turns to him and scoffs, “50?!”
DMX says “nah man you got me confused with another rapper”
When classical music lovers go for groceries they carry Chopin Litsz. Got it? Frederic chopin and Franz Litsz. They are good though.
Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals.
I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating" I said "it's pronounced deprecating"
What do frogs use when they put a hot-dish on the table? Trivet, trivet, trivet.
What do you call a girl who was born in the dessert Candy
What do you call a girl who is born in the dessert
Edit: I hate myself obviously it's meant to spell desert
Some kid said “OK Boomer” to me today and I’m 35 I finally felt what it was like to own property.
You know how people say “it costed me an arm and a leg”. Well today I learned how to use a can opener It only costed me a finger
Life tip: Never ever yell “Server going down” when you’re delivering a server to a tech company Unless you want the entire company to stick it’s head out and scream at you
I have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other It's a complex complex complex
While hiking I saw berries and asked a friend if those are eatible He said "yea, not more than once"
A patient runs into a doctor’s surgery yelling out: “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking! What should I do?” The doctor replies: “you are just going to have to be a little patient.”
I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language We clicked right away.
Where are the "Yes-men" and People Pleasers made? The satisfactory
“Take off my bra,” said my wife, so I took off her bra. “Now take off my panties,” she said, and I took off her panties. Then she said, “If I ever catch you wearing them again ...”
What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award
What did the UTI say to the urethra? Urine trouble.
A man is lying on a couch in his therapists office...
The man: Doc, I think I have a fetish for figuring things out.
Therapist: ...What makes you think that?
The man: I just came to that realization.
All insects are in sects. Do you know that?
What do you think?
Have a good day!
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying, but it's a horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
What do you call money that 's exclusively used by Superman's dog? Kryptocurrency
What do vulcanologists do when they needs to pee? Look for a lava tree!
Guy walks in to an optometrist office and sais "Eye-Doctor"?...
Doctor sais, "oh what a coincidence,
I doctor too"
What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer? A vigil-aunty.
Where do Arabic people get there emotions? The amygdullah
What is an undertaker's favorite element? Barium.
Lady GaGa and the GooGoo Dolls are coming out with a children's album. It's called GooGooGaGa
What computerbrand does also make music? A Dell
I recently started dating a man in his 60s. Hes bright and always keeps how I feel in mind. I just really wish he would stop billing my insurance and shutting me down anytime I want to go somewhere with him outside his office.
Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this.
What does a Muslim train conductor say to get everyone onto the train? Allah board!
If 3.14 is Pie Day, then what is 3.28? Cake Day!
What do you call 13 bees hanging out doing sciencey stuff together? A beeker’s buzzin’
Wanna know how to learn englis? (probrobly made before, if so then i havent seen it) Spill oil on the ground and then wait for the us army, they will teach you.
More and more Millenials claiming to be offended by Christmas decorations. Snowflakes.
What’s the most effective way of neutralising an Hassidic Jew? With a Halkaline Jew!
The hungry kid asked his parent what there was to eat..
Padre/Parent: Pan (Bread)
Kid: ¿Pan con qué? (Bread with what?)
Madre/Parent: Con boca (With mouth)
Why did the scarecrow qin so many awards for his work? Cuz he was out standing in his field
What do you call whenyou have a strong greeting? A buff-alo
Have you heard about this new hit Lego kit where you are making a giant snake? It's called "Boa Constructor"!
Why are the asian parents diappointed Because their kid got stung by a (B)ee not an A
Knock Knock... *Your reponse* Who's there? Idaho...
Idaho who needs Deez Nuts...
Ha! Got 'Em!
Do you know what’s worse than Tennitus? Elevenitus
What did Stanley Burrell say when he caught his wife in bed with someone else? Stop! Hammer Time!
The Streetcleaners Union is petitioning to double the width of their brooms. They're demanding broad sweeping reform.
What is growing behind the chemistry department, sweet and deadly? A Poloniumberry.
What do you call an Eygptian Pharaoh that farts the same way as you? Toot in Common!!
The Dali Lama was vaccinated this week in India His injection was massive as doctors wanted to make him one with everything.
I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long They said it was bad timing but great delivery
Jimmy Kennedy was the lyricist of the Hokey Cokey
When he died they went to put him in his coffin
Everything was going smoothly until they put his left leg in
What do wizzards eat at the beach? A sandwitch
What did the whale hunter say to his nervous comrade before a hunt? All’s whale that ends whale!
What do you call people who don’t where masks in public? Mask-murders
To whoever stole my camouflage jacket You can hide, but you can’t run.
If people who travel to Ibiza to party get stuck on airports because they have no vaccine pasports. Will they be called “Trance-migrants”?
What kind of Marshall Arts does Challah Bread do? JEW DOUGH!!
I’m not gonna tell you what happens in The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe... It’s Narnia business!
How do chemists dispoae of dead bodies ? Barium.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation? It's a period piece
What do you call a bomb with a drouge chute attached to it? Retarded!
EveryChristmas, I eat eggs Benedict off a hubcap Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest He seriously misunderstood the objective.
Whats the difference between drag quuens and drag racers? Drag racers drive straight
Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way
A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door "sorry we're closed" "But your sign says open 24 hours!" says the man. The employee yells back "not in a row"
What does Claude leave when he has no Monet to pay for his coffee? A bad impression.
I'll always remeber the town where JFK was shot... because it was dallast one he visited.
In Italy, it's traditiom to accept apologies after a dinner. That happens because it's all in the pasta.
A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon. The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.
The existance of Skywalkers mean that there are Flamewalkers, Oceanwalkers, and Groundwalkers These are the Elewalkers
What is Tony the Tigers favorite icecream parlor? Carol Baskin & Robbins
What do the Japanese say to noisy people? Shushi.