Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

Do you know where Redit keeps its Dad jokes? In its Dadabase.......

sorry in advance.......

Score: 3

When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it... ...It’s a Peking Duck.

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The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective... High-brrr-nation

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Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of pidgeons do in 8 minutes Attempt a coup

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What are Africas favourite games? The hunger games

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A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . . I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

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A new and unique beetle has been discovered. It puts on body fat, and infact, obesity is its natural state! I can't wait until we research and learn more about the diabeetle!

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Dracula made a major investment in the blood bank, on the shock market... ...He’s one of the major scareholders now.

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There wash thish guy that attacked me by shwinging a knife at my fashe! I leapt back jusht in time... and my chin wash SHAVED!

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"I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth filled" said the young woman nervously to the dentist "fine by me " replied the dentist " Let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

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Inspector Gadget was caught shooting up heroine... He is now Injector Badshit.

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What was Shaun King's birth name? Osborne White

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Whne I got to donate blood they ask me so many strange wuestions like: What is my name? Why is the blood in a bucket?

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Who delivers Indian takeaway to you? Postman Chaat.


I’ll get my coat.

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I’m an anti-Vaccination advocate and I’m upset I’m just sick and tired…

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Me: what’s three nine in Japanese? Them: San kyu.

Me: you’re welcome.

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If Jamie Lannister had killed Bran... He would be a cereal killer

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Did you hear about the new facility that opened in Indiana specialing in paternity tests? It's called "Hoosier Daddy?"

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Old McDonald only eats chicken eggs but not chicken meat. all because of that saying, " don't bite the hen that feeds you"

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What do "Splibnar", "arbidoo" and my life have in common? They're all completely devoid of meaning and purpose.

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Do you know why persident Trump is a fan of Pfizer? He can't read well enough to differentiate between election and erection, and thinks if he just buys enough blue pills, the erectoral college will stand up for him

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How do so many cops think they see a gun that isnt there this year? They have 2020 vision.

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What’s a conmans favorite pastime? Phishing

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Why do women an children evacuate first in any disaster? So men can think of a solution in silence.

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What do you call a family pucture in somalia ? A bar code

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Why don’t Native Americans like snow? Because it’s white and it’s on their land

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Why do anyi-vaxxers wish that Eminem become a doctor and immunize their kids? You would only get one shot.

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What is the difference when a group of republicans scream for Trump to have "4 more years" and when a group of democrats scream it? The republicans are saying it during an election, the democrats are saying it during a sentencing.

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"Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?" "It's finger lickin' good"

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Yoh mama so fat that when she buys a fur coat... a whole specie of animal is gonna become extinct.

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I went to school with Beyonce Knowles. She was Sasha good girl.

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How do you play the new maga millions lottery? Watch the drawing live and contest the results.

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“Hey dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?” “No sun”

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I saw a cockroach crawling on our dinning table, but I left it as it was I already had too much on my plate

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Obama said in an interview that Putin had asked him "How is Joe?" to which he responded "Biden?" then Russian President replied "Joe Mama"

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I've heard Parler referred to lately as OnlyKlans, Fashbook, OkStupid, and HickTock But I draw the line at "Inbreddit".

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What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus.

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What did Beethoven do after he died? He decomposed.

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Why are flags the most erotic of cloths? Because when the wind blows, they do pole dances.

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Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold. Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD

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I was at a metal concert and a ninja sprung from the croud He was undetected, unexpected

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How do spot an impatient wino? They're eating grapes!

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What do a vampire and a cow have on common? Both of their lives are at stake

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Why do all methheads have bad teeth? They only brush them before sleeping

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I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked. "75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

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I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless. But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

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I know why women want to be shaped like an hour glass. Because all they do is waste my time

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Thirdwheeling a toxic couple is really hard. Anyways, I'm out with my parents. WBU?

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Whant do you call Idiot in India? Modibhakt.

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An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.

Security: "Name?"

Tourist: "Andrew"

Security: "Residency"

Tourist: "Idaho"

Security: "Occupation?"

Tourist: "No No, just visiting"

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Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa, Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

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How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion? Get his wife pregnant

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Who was Green Goblin in the 2002 SpiderMan movie? Dafoe.

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How is Donald Trump like a Malard with an injured foot? They are both lame ducks

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Two whales are sitting and drinking together at a bar. The first whale says "Eeeeoooooaaaaaaaeeeeeeuuuuuooooooaaaaaauuuuueeeeee" The second whale says



"Dave, go home. You're drunk."

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When I was a kid I wished my parents where super hero’s My mom started flying and loved it but it didn’t work on my dad so I thought that it only half worked, weirdly enough I stoped seeing the mail man after that

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Why was the count down to Christmas suspicious.... because it adVented

(kids are addicted to Amoung US, they didn't laugh but I did!!)

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What do Cyberpunk 2077 and a deathrow inmate have in common? They both won't ever get a release date.

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Never let a dyslectic design your money "In dog we thrust" sends the wrong message.

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I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave"..... And i said "So did i all my friends"...

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How did Trump win Alabama? He said that he would date his own daughter.

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Why can't Trump go to Whitehouse Because it's FOR BIDEN

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If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

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A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there". "And over there. And up there. And back there."

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wich gas can we find in mountains? HILL-ium!

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A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

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What do you call a hospital volunteer with a cocaine habit? A nose candy striper.

[and no, not stripper. that would be too many levels. And you couldn't tell it to your Sunday school members]

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What did Jeffrey Dahmer keep in his shower? Heads and Shoulders.

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Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery? The bad guys came out with all buns glazing.

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My wife tried to order contact-less delivery. But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

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"Haven't you caught Covid yet?" Texted by ex out of the blue. "No" I replied.

"see, you are so pathetic that even Global pandemic avoids you ".

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How do you tell a girl ant from a boy ant? Put it in water. If it sinks it's a girl ant and if it floats it's a buoyant

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Bought a huge flatscreen tv for $20 in an alley way after eating fast food But when I got home and plugged it in a big Taco Bell menu popped up

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The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills... I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

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Redacted: Why can't a hand be twelve inched long? Because then it would be a foot.

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ONLY AMERICAN AND CANADIAN'S WILL GET THIS RIGHT AWAY. Why can't a hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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What do you call it when Doofenschmirtz goes to the bathroom? A urINATOR

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My girlfriend threatens to leave me if I don't stop refrencing Transformers.. I guess I'll just roll out

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What was Michael Jacksons pronouns after he transitioned? He/hee

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Why did sperm cross the road? I forgot to lock the henhouse.

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I don't understand why people are so exited about Halloween People have been wearing masks for more than half a year now

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So two men are out in the Artic The first man calls the ambulance

“Help I think my friend died of hypothermia! What do I do?”

“Don’t worry sir. First you are going have to make sure he is dead”

*Gunshots*

“Ok so now what”

Score: 4