Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

What does a werewolf YouTuber say at the end of his videos? Don't forget to lycan subscribe!

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Why are spirits so into literature? Because they want to be ghost writers.

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Some fish spend their time alone They think they’re too cool for school

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People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables? constipated

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Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him? Everybody knows paper beats rock

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Why can't you tell school school shooting jokes in the US? Because it's always too soon.

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Yo mama’s so fat When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

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On which side a mug has its handle? Outside.

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Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government? He was a civil serpent.

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He’s going to be alright. The guy who lost his left arm in the freak accident? He’s going to be alright.

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I think my roommate wants to kick me out. Therapist: "You're single, and live alone with your cat?"

Me: "Yeah, but I can tell she's done putting up with all my mental health
issues."

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Your momma's so fat That when she jumped into the air she got stuck.

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I wanted to wish everyone here a happy Spanksgiving... ...but that would have been quite cheeky of me.

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What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ?? Thata ginger would have two friends.

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What did Taylor Swift say at the first Thanksgiving? IT’S ME
HI
I’M THE PILGRIM
IT’S ME

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Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits. I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.

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I don't mind if a woman has cellulite. Why should her phone service matter?

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Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving? It’s too fowl.

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I made my fish listen to an Eminem album... I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...

...now he's Swim Shady.

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Did you hear about the fat criminal? We thought we shut him down.

Turns out,

He’s still at large.

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What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ? Teapot

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My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge. I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

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How do budtenders mark which strain is which? Hashtags

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Whats one question that can easily identify a narcissist? “What’s your name?”

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I wanted to make a joke about lazy people But I don’t think it would’ve worked.

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One day I was making vegetable soup But unfortunately the wheelchair didn't fit

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Bill Clinton gets kicked out of every bakery in Paris. He constantly feels their pain.

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My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing. "And they are Off!!!!!!!!"

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When I was little I saw a sign that said “Wet Paint”. It turns out that they didn’t want me to.

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My ex wife is an esthetician w/ various skills but she mainly does massages for various men with various careers. You could say she's a "jack off all trades"

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How did the burglar break in? Intruder window

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Footballer: Why did you give the other team a penalty, ref? Refereee: You just burped right into my face.

Footballer: Well, that should only be a freak hic.

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I don’t see what the big deal about Black Friday is. All Fridays matter.

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I just had a one night stand with a robot That's what I call a 'nut & bolt'

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Life is like driving behind a BMW. You‘ll never know when it suddenly takes a turn.

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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day? “Quack! Quack!”

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What's the fastest growing city in the world? The capital of Ireland. It keeps Dublin and Dublin and Dublin.

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How is Korean boxing like baseball? They always knock out one of the Parks.

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Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa? You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.

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She said she missed me.... Normally that would be good thing, except I can see she is reloading.

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A man knocked on my door And said he was collecting for the local swimming pool.

So I gave him a glass of water.

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Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine? They say he had Butterballs.

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As she was doing her makeup, I told my fiancee that she looked like an Apache warfighter Her: that's kinda racist
Me: Sioux me

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Why didn’t Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day? No well

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at the library Guy asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book on small penises?"


She checks the computer, "I don't think it's in yet."


"That's the one!!"

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Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

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My wife left me because Of my obsession with Linkin Park.


But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

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Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose? His name was Nostrildamus.

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While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby. ​

I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

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If your friend wants to say the word "motel" backwards, letom.

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What's the hardest part of being addicted to money? The withdrawals.

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Why is everyone so mad at me? I was told to bring a “Hostess” gift to the party… …I brought a DOZEN Twinkies.

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My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.

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She said, "Hand me that oven mitt" and as he pretended to try and lift the entire oven, the Romney's laughed, but not quite as much this year.

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What is the tallest building in the world? The library, it has the most stories

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Hey baby, you wanna play pilgrim thanksgiving? That’s where you squat and I gobble!

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What do you get when you cross a rock'n'roller with a triangle of cheese spread? DairyLea Lewis

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What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? … This ain’t my first rodeo

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what do you call it when your french friend copies you co-pierre

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February 2nd and the groundhog arises from its hole to see a shadow… the shadow of my front left tire…six more weeks of winter but not for him…

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I've just joined a dating group for arsonists. It's great, they send me new matches every day.

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Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest? He was grounded

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Why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards? Cause if they went forwards they'd just fall in the boat.

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I needed socks for outdoors winter. I thought I would need two layers.

So I bought two *pairs...*

​

Read my username.

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What do you call an asthmatic emporer? Julius Wheezer

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It doesn't matter how kind you are German children are always Kinder.

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I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number. It's Zero-Two-Sixty

Credit: Michael Mcintyre

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2 guys walk into a bar. The first guys says I'll get H2O. The second guys says I'll get H2O too. He died.

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What’s the best name for the wife of a marksman? Amy

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Being a mother of a teenager... ..is _*FINALLY*_ understanding why some animals _*eat*_ their young.

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can not tell me that's a coincidence!

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What do you call an Egg that makes music? Skrilleggs.

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If you don't know what to say on your first date try to talk about global warming. It's a great icebreaker.

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What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it? Envelope.

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Why was the window dancing? ...because of the door jam!

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I accidentally ate my cat's food last night Don't ask meow

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Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake? He was stuffed.

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I heard the judge threaten to disbar my lawyer. SMH, they done gave me a saloon owner to defend me.

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What does Tony Soprano eat on thanksgiving? Gobble Gobble Gool

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All this neopronouns stuff is cool and all... I just can’t find a guide on how to pronouns them.

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A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender hands him a drink, and says, "No charge."

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What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market. A tall medium who shorts.

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