Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

What begins with 'm' and ends with arrige? Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old and the baby doesn't either!

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I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!" And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

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Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers? The celery was unacceptable!

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What did Nickel back do when he was hungry? Borrowed 45 cents then 58.

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What did Xi Xinping say after hearing this pun? L-MAO!

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What’s a cannibal’s favorite smoothie? A blended family

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Why was the body builder playing with knives? Because he wanted to get cut

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I think i may be sexually attracted to eletronics Because i want to take a bath with my toaster.

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Where do you buy a service station? On Tebay.

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Guy: it was a mistake i didnt mean to kill him. Cop: there's no such thing as a Mistake only happy little accidents.

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Me and Detective Mobious from Loki have something in common We both got dealt a variant

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Why doen't Ganon use the Internet? Too many Links

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Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"? It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

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A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English. So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.

He listens.

"Ticket to midway one-way."

When it's his turn, he asks.

"Ticket to new york one-ork"


~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

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Mostly white inhabitants of some southern states are thinking of succeeding from the USA. That's right. It's happening. REDNEXIT

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I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?" They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

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You know what they say about anti-depressants? The more the merrier :)

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English stationery set for sale. It has 3 pens missing though.

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What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do? Living life on the edge.

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Why can’t British people loose at chess? Because their Queen never dies

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Sir I’m afraid you’ve only got 5 to live “5 what”
4,3,2,1

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My wife and I went camping to save our marriage It was an tents situation

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Chicken pie in the Bahamas... A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

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I just learned how to play both Alto & Tenor Saxaphones. I'm Bi-Saxual!

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Why did the mushroom want to goto a party? Because he was sure he was a fungi

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Acronym's Don't Have Definite.... Sorry I lost my train of thought.

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How do call a group of ribs A meat-ing

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why do you poor coke over ice? ice was too addicting

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I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people. If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

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Apple is planning to release a vaccum cleaner in a couple of years. It's rumored to be the only Apple product that won't suck.

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A big nose isn’t an excuse for not wearing a facemask I mean, I still wear underwear

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You know what they say about homophones... They all sound the same.

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Did you hear Fast n Furious 11 is being shown at Olive Garden? Because when you’re here you’re family.

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what did the syscraper say to the earthquake im high on crack

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The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women They said it was a nun issue.

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I can attract any female mosquito

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You Americans may have the right to bare arms, but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

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I would love to tell you a Joke about Bo Burnhams new Special, but you wouldn't get it. Because it's an Insider.

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Ona scale of Brittney to Bill Cosby... How free are you tomorrow?

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Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show... Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

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What is the best Three-Piece Swimsiut? Hat, sunglasses and slippers

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Road Rage is getting worse these days Like last week a woman was yelling at me when I was driving. And all I did was run over her grandma. Some people

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How can you tell the difference between vaccinated vs un-vaccinated people? Ask them who won the election.

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Little known fact about Forest Gump. Given his incredible initiative he was known about town as… Forrest Gumption

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What do you call a smoothie with weed in it? A drinkable.

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I found out my friend has Peek Aboo He's in the ICU

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How do we know the toothbrush was invented in the south? If it were invented anywhere else, it’d be called the “teethbrush.”

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Want to know how to be a good procastinator ? I will tell you later

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Want to be a perfect procastinator ? I will tell you later.

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What will be a the menu of a restaurant named karma? There will be no menu you will get what you will deserve

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What is the Differenz between a womans husband and boyfriend? About 30 years

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Why do Ska Bands make the best Door Dash drivers? Because if you order food they'll *pick it up, pick it up, pick it up*.

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Little known fact: StoneHenge was originally meant to be StoneHedge. Yes, the clippers kept breaking.

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Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race? David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

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Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving? It's all over town.

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Why did LifeAlert get more business after we colonized earth’s orbit? Everyone was constantly falling in free fall

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Next tume you go to a bar, order a guantanamo It's where they put a rag over your head and dump an entire bottle of cuban rum on your face.

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Why do Batman’s farts smell sooooo bad? Because once he Gotham in that rubber suit they ain’t got nowhere to go

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What does a cell say when you feed it ribosome suger? ATP for me bunghole

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McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play It's called McBeth

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What do you call a satisfied clairvoyant? A happy medium.

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-Honney, why are you cleaning windows? It's so dark already. -That's why!

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What is a CS:GO player's favourite desert? The Gobi desert

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Whats the country called where mango's grow? Mangolia.

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What do you call people who observe owls reproducing? A hornithologist.

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What did the dad say when he went to Africa? "Hi Hungry!"

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What did the time traveling Frenchman from the 80s guess is the capitol of Germany? C'est Bonn?

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Theres been an outbreak of bovine novovirus in Austria. The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick.

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Were do dogs go to get beers? The pup

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Rest in piece the Boiling Water… It will be mist

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What kind of poker do stoned cows play? High steaks.

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Everytime I eat broccoli's I feel like a giant eating trees. Everytime I eat sausages I feel like your mum

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Why did the mulletfish go to the barberfish? To look dapper for all the ladies in fishnet.

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How do you get a Pirate to tell you his favorite brand of Rootbeer? Ask them what two letters come after A.
IBC

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My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is What do you want to become after the burnout?

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Illiterate people ofen confuse me. I knew someone that replaced the word "idea" with "ideal" and it drove me insane.

I tried to explain the difference to him but the ideal of being wrong just didn't sit well with him. It wasn't an idea situation

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What does the Chinese cat say? MAO

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Why is it so hard to be an organ doner? You need the guts to do it

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what does a cow do when it has to change to a diferent location the cow mooooves

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When people go to the doctor, why are they called "patients?" Because they first have to hang out in the Waiting Room.

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The sun turned the United States flag on the moon bone white Now it’s a Confederate flag.

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Floyd Mayweather vs Logal Paul boxing match was definitely staged.... I think Floyd hit his wife harder honestly.

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