Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

How do you get a Pirate to tell you his favorite brand of Rootbeer? Ask them what two letters come after A.
IBC

My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is What do you want to become after the burnout?

Illiterate people ofen confuse me. I knew someone that replaced the word "idea" with "ideal" and it drove me insane.

I tried to explain the difference to him but the ideal of being wrong just didn't sit well with him. It wasn't an idea situation

What does the Chinese cat say? MAO

Why is it so hard to be an organ doner? You need the guts to do it

what does a cow do when it has to change to a diferent location the cow mooooves

When people go to the doctor, why are they called "patients?" Because they first have to hang out in the Waiting Room.

The sun turned the United States flag on the moon bone white Now it’s a Confederate flag.

Floyd Mayweather vs Logal Paul boxing match was definitely staged.... I think Floyd hit his wife harder honestly.

I was worried there wasn't enough beach in Belfium. So I went to Oostende to see for myself, and shore enough.

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin? Norm-El

After the dalmation knocked up the neighbor's Jack Russell... ...he experienced post-mutt clarity.

Her: I’m leaving. I’m sick of your constant mansplaining. I’m surprised you didn’t see the writing on the wall. Me: It’s called graffiti, Karen.

What did the man who was vacuming say? Another one fights the dust

What do fascist call Chic Filet? Fash Food

My two buddies wont stop arguing over weed. Never mind they hashed it out.

Why is a man possessing arms allowed to go to public places? Because he can sneeze into his elbow.

Did youbhear about the Mansplainer who drowned in the Desert Oasis? Well actually

What does Death mean to a Metalhead? Hearing Loss



(Side Note: Worth It!)

what's a bomb defuser's favourite fruit? a mineapple

What do you call an uncool beet? A square root

What woukd you find in Captain Kirk’s restroom? A Captain’s Log.

what do birds wrote with? a pen-guin

What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces? A hobbler

if i brought a katana into a hospital it wouldnt be fruit ninja it would be vegetable ninja

Hello , I would like to return this Vaccum Cleaner . Salesman :- Is it broken sir ?

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Me :- No , It sucks .

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list: The lawyers.

I called work to say I can’t come in today as I’m really sick... The boss asked what’s wrong with me, I just told him I’m in bed with my sister.

What would be the name of Johnny Sin's Christian cousin? Jimmy Repent.

Everyone knows the zip code in Beverley Hills, but what’s the zip code in Dawson’s Creek? 90108

What is a joke yoz can say related to Russia and titanic? [In Russia/on the titanic] you don't break the ice, the ice breaks you!

What do you cvall it when a cow wanders into a beauty contest? Miss Steak

What does the mexican melon salesman say? Quantaloupe?

What did the millenial say when they realized they were missing some ingredients for soap-making? "No lyes detected!"

Im worried for my calender. its days are numbered.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood? Because they are down-right positive!

Abraa Kadabra! Expelliarnos! Stoopify! Wingardian Levioseaa! Loomos! Expecto Patrones! I'm sorry, it seems my spell-check isn't working.

USA sends representative to cool tensions in Middle East. A. Blinken was sent to calm things down regarding middle eastern tensions.
George Washington was the first choice but was not available.

What is the biggest Australian SciFi producton? The mate-rix

Where do the chinese go to watch movies? Cena Ma

so 6 is afraid of 7 cuz 7 ,8,9 , but why did 10 have PTSD??? cuz it was stuck between 9/11

What's prince zukos favorite video game? Dishonored

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence

Just found a cure that kills everytype of cancer Cyanide

What's the culmination of festivity? Celebrating mother's and father's day at the orphanage.

What’s a Pimp’s favorite genera of music? Hoe-town.

What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin

What did the drug tester say to the suspect? “Urine.”

Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass.. Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

My friend was frozen to absolute zero. Fortunately, he was 0K.




P.S. This is NOT mine.

A police officer cought us playing with a car battery, and a bag of fireworks. He said as a punishment he's going to charge one, and let the rest off.

A curious little boy asked his father if he knew why it is soo dark outside! Father replies : No Son

IAMA Zaackkk Snnyydeee.. rrrr..in slo-mo

Whats Jehovas Witness called in China? Ding dong.

Can't belive I have more houses than friends! One.

What do Japanese say when they're riding a roller coaster? Wii

What do you call a place with loads of spiders? Website

How doed the ISIS keep track of the tasks of the day, and how everything's going? On the Daeshboard ofc.

What is the most effective touristic destination? Isfahan. Go there and you've already seen the half of the world.

I had a mudpack facial done and for three days my face looked much better... then the mud fell off.

What do you call someone who gradutates with a degree in statistics? A graph-duate

mashup dem namez My Ex: "Rick, you know how celebrity couples have cute couple names? Like Brangelina?"

Me: "Yeah."

Her: "If we had stayed married what would ours have been?"

Me: "Runt."

I don’t normally brag about expensive places I’ve been But I’ve just left the gas station.

One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan.

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

Why did Old McDonald win all the awards? Because he is out standing in his field.

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess... Adi does.

A skeleton goes into a bar And asks the barman for a beer and a mop

My son saw me reading “War and Peace” and asked me why the book is so thick. I said, “It’s a long story.”

What do you call 2000 pounds in Chinese? Wonton.

What is Forest Gumps favorite coin? Pen-nay

Did you know, Mortal Combat is based off of an old, Scandinavian worship song? It's a Finnish Hymn.

Why is bacons called "bacons" and cookies are called "cookies" I we "bake" cookies and "cook" bacons?

Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"? Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea? Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

What did the employees say when they walked to Wok To Wok and it was closed due to COVID? I Wok to Wok to Wok back home.

Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there.

My wife asked me about love handles and now I have to sleep on the couch. Apparently telling her I love my handle of Jack Daniels didn't sit right.

What do you call a fort made out of doors? Fort Knocks.

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie? A: William Chatner!

What do you call a dinosaur sliding down broke back mountain? A Megasaurus.

What are tortilla chips called in the carribean? Bermuda triangles