Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

Jersey Mike's tagline, "A Sub Above", is clever and all, but... I still wish they went with my suggestion:

Jersey Mike's - "Dominate Your Sub".

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Waitress: Would you like thousand island dressing on your salad? Customer: Better make it a hundred island; I’m on a diet.

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What do you call two tangled up snakes? Serpenticular Spines

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Is my relation with mcDonald is toxic? Somehow I feel it does not love me back.

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You can for 63 Earths inside of Uranus 64 if you relax.

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I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts It's called 'Hole Foods'

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Newton wants to publish a paper!! Isaac Newton: "I like big butts and I cannot lie"

Publisher: "Sir, you cannot write that in your paper!"

Isaac Newton: "Oh! In that case what about... the greater the mASS, the greater is the force of attraction".

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Why should you never hire a running back as a landscaper? Because they’re known for rushing yards.

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I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

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Can you turn the thermostat up? I'm shivering! Eh, I think it's 0K.

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All Fat people going to the gym are fat losers Because there losing fat

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So I poured my root beer in a square glass Now I am left with just beer...

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A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"

The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"

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What kind of bees are scary if they're on a man, but not scary if they're in a woman? Boo-bees

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What do you call a microscopic strawberry? A strawbarely.

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Most falcons live to be 12 - 15 years old. That means falcons born in the 21st century are… Millennial falcons.

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Someone once asked me why rhinos were called rhinos. I just said "well, rhi-not?"

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My neighbor's kid asked me what dark humor was... So I told him to go over to the guy with no hands and tell him to clap. Then he said to me "I'm blind, so how do I know where he is?" And I said "Exactly."

Anyway, any visual comedy to him is dark humor.

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Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables? Because they were short staffed…

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What's the smaller music band ever? The Bitless

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How do you know it's an inclusive party? The host warns you about the Vegans.

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What is the difference between paddlers and rowers? The paddlers: "Oh look: there's a beer garden up ahead!"
The rowers: "Oh look: there was a beer garden back there!"

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In a Russian talk show, viewers were told that a nuclear war would not be so bad because many Russians would then go to heaven. When Saint Peter found out about this, he immediately decided to apply for NATO membership.

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Why are ghosts not welcomed in other people’s houses? Because they’re uninvited guests.

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My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

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What do you call the corner of a triangle who correctly claims the other two corners are 45 degrees? A right angle

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What would be the worst Russian-American name to have? Jack Meioff

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It takes good brakes to drive the way I do Other people's good brakes

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How does a narcissist communicate with others In, first person.

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A Russian man drives up to the border with Finland The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"

"No. Only a holiday."

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Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven? The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

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Queen Elizabeth's Britain is a Constitutional Monarchy. Putin's Russia is an Oligarchy. What is Biden's US? A Malarchy

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Being an introvert must be incredibly rare. I'm the only one i know.

Sorry, i know it's from a geico commercial, i just got the implied joke and realized i had never read it here.

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Have you seen the episode of the Big Bang Theory where Leonard builds his girlfriend a stock portfolio? Unfortunately, he goes broke buying Penny stocks.

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Elon Musk has been making bad decisions since getting his hairplugs He needs toupee

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what's the best part of having vegan parents? no one makes a joke about your mom having an affair with the milkman

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What's similar between a sorcerer and a vampire? They're both neck-romancers.

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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow? The 'inedible snowman'.

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What does a cat from south eastern china speak? Catonese.

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What did the Little Mermaid wear to Math class? An Algae-bra.

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How much did the new chimney cost? Nothing; it's on the house!

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I have a feeling my phone is mostly charged ... ... but I am not 100%.

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If Cleveland had the Indians and Cincinnati has the Bengals... then shouldn't Columbus get the Pakistanis?

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Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo They never tell him the odds

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Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them? Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

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What is a Seagull's favorite condiment? Grey Poupon

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What do you call a charitable person who screwed all the doners Full-on-rapist

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What is an immigrants favorite band? Foreigner

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What do you call a pig in the ocean? Salt pork.

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What do you call an erratic cat? Aloof cannon!

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I’m not saying one word without my Lawyer present. Judge: B-but sir, you are the lawyer?

Lawyer: Exactly, I demand my present!

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At this company I worked at once, things are getting watched more. For example, they saw so many employees hiding in the restrooms waiting for their shift to end, that they made a term for it, for their rules.

"Don't stall on company time!" They said.

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Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide? Thought he had nothing else Toulouse.

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What do you call 5 crazy people singing The Wackson 5

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What did the douchey Uber car say to the DoorDash car? Bro, do you even lyft?

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When somebody offers me their house made blue cheese dressing... ...I like to compliment them on owning an anthropomorphic house that can make dressing.

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A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky… I said- “Are you Sirius?”

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A guy with a lisp got caught Stealing from a utensil shop... When he got caught, he said 'It was a whisk I was willing to take'

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What do you call a dragon with leather boots? Moo-shoe

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why did a leading car company ceo attack a competitor Automotive.

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what's another name for chicken testicles? A fowl ball

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What do you call half a Tortoise with a drinking problem? Tort-a-leany



edit: I should have gone with what do you call a three legged tortoise instead.

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When I hear people talking about water polo all I can think about is Those poor horses.

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The difference between hard hats and men. None. They’re always hard and usually only used after being hurt.

Edit: grammar

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How do you make a heavy ice cube? Use heavy water

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What do you get when two narcissists are in a room? Silence

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Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World? Because he heard the lines were long

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My friend never learned to shave properly I guess her mom didnt razor right

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What do you call a zombie Pac-Man character? Wacca wacca waccing dead.

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Why are mums and dads of children who change gender see through? They're transparent.

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Do you know about the relationship between hands and gloves? They go hand in hand

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...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds. - But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

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what's the most depressing place to live in America? Missouri

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What do Republicans and toothpaste companies have in common? They both promote advanced whitening.

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Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you? They have built in scales

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What’s the worst thing to give a woman who just had an abortion? A to-go box.

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One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?" Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

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What do you call a drug addict named Ann that punches cheese? Ann feta mean

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How you can kill more birds with one stone! The answer is: Many dinosaurs, one meteor

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What did a Redneck name his son that was born premsture? Earl Lee.............*premature,

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Men: stop holding doors open for women -- it's sexist Hold them closed instead, so they have equal opportunity to prove their strength

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What do you use to pack underwear for a trip? A briefcase.

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