Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

Jersey Mike's tagline, "A Sub Above", is clever and all, but... I still wish they went with my suggestion:

Jersey Mike's - "Dominate Your Sub".

Waitress: Would you like thousand island dressing on your salad? Customer: Better make it a hundred island; I’m on a diet.

What do you call two tangled up snakes? Serpenticular Spines

Is my relation with mcDonald is toxic? Somehow I feel it does not love me back.

You can for 63 Earths inside of Uranus 64 if you relax.

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts It's called 'Hole Foods'

Newton wants to publish a paper!! Isaac Newton: "I like big butts and I cannot lie"

Publisher: "Sir, you cannot write that in your paper!"

Isaac Newton: "Oh! In that case what about... the greater the mASS, the greater is the force of attraction".

Why should you never hire a running back as a landscaper? Because they’re known for rushing yards.

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

Can you turn the thermostat up? I'm shivering! Eh, I think it's 0K.

All Fat people going to the gym are fat losers Because there losing fat

So I poured my root beer in a square glass Now I am left with just beer...

A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"

The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"

What kind of bees are scary if they're on a man, but not scary if they're in a woman? Boo-bees

What do you call a microscopic strawberry? A strawbarely.

Most falcons live to be 12 - 15 years old. That means falcons born in the 21st century are… Millennial falcons.

Someone once asked me why rhinos were called rhinos. I just said "well, rhi-not?"

My neighbor's kid asked me what dark humor was... So I told him to go over to the guy with no hands and tell him to clap. Then he said to me "I'm blind, so how do I know where he is?" And I said "Exactly."

Anyway, any visual comedy to him is dark humor.

Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables? Because they were short staffed…

What's the smaller music band ever? The Bitless

How do you know it's an inclusive party? The host warns you about the Vegans.

What is the difference between paddlers and rowers? The paddlers: "Oh look: there's a beer garden up ahead!"
The rowers: "Oh look: there was a beer garden back there!"

In a Russian talk show, viewers were told that a nuclear war would not be so bad because many Russians would then go to heaven. When Saint Peter found out about this, he immediately decided to apply for NATO membership.

Why are ghosts not welcomed in other people’s houses? Because they’re uninvited guests.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

What do you call the corner of a triangle who correctly claims the other two corners are 45 degrees? A right angle

What would be the worst Russian-American name to have? Jack Meioff

It takes good brakes to drive the way I do Other people's good brakes

How does a narcissist communicate with others In, first person.

A Russian man drives up to the border with Finland The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"

"No. Only a holiday."

Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven? The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

Queen Elizabeth's Britain is a Constitutional Monarchy. Putin's Russia is an Oligarchy. What is Biden's US? A Malarchy

Being an introvert must be incredibly rare. I'm the only one i know.

Sorry, i know it's from a geico commercial, i just got the implied joke and realized i had never read it here.

Have you seen the episode of the Big Bang Theory where Leonard builds his girlfriend a stock portfolio? Unfortunately, he goes broke buying Penny stocks.

Elon Musk has been making bad decisions since getting his hairplugs He needs toupee

what's the best part of having vegan parents? no one makes a joke about your mom having an affair with the milkman

What's similar between a sorcerer and a vampire? They're both neck-romancers.

What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow? The 'inedible snowman'.

What does a cat from south eastern china speak? Catonese.

What did the Little Mermaid wear to Math class? An Algae-bra.

How much did the new chimney cost? Nothing; it's on the house!

I have a feeling my phone is mostly charged ... ... but I am not 100%.

If Cleveland had the Indians and Cincinnati has the Bengals... then shouldn't Columbus get the Pakistanis?

Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo They never tell him the odds

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them? Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

What is a Seagull's favorite condiment? Grey Poupon

What do you call a charitable person who screwed all the doners Full-on-rapist

What is an immigrants favorite band? Foreigner

What do you call a pig in the ocean? Salt pork.

What do you call an erratic cat? Aloof cannon!

I’m not saying one word without my Lawyer present. Judge: B-but sir, you are the lawyer?

Lawyer: Exactly, I demand my present!

At this company I worked at once, things are getting watched more. For example, they saw so many employees hiding in the restrooms waiting for their shift to end, that they made a term for it, for their rules.

"Don't stall on company time!" They said.

Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide? Thought he had nothing else Toulouse.

What do you call 5 crazy people singing The Wackson 5

What did the douchey Uber car say to the DoorDash car? Bro, do you even lyft?

When somebody offers me their house made blue cheese dressing... ...I like to compliment them on owning an anthropomorphic house that can make dressing.

A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky… I said- “Are you Sirius?”

A guy with a lisp got caught Stealing from a utensil shop... When he got caught, he said 'It was a whisk I was willing to take'

What do you call a dragon with leather boots? Moo-shoe

why did a leading car company ceo attack a competitor Automotive.

what's another name for chicken testicles? A fowl ball

What do you call half a Tortoise with a drinking problem? Tort-a-leany



edit: I should have gone with what do you call a three legged tortoise instead.

When I hear people talking about water polo all I can think about is Those poor horses.

The difference between hard hats and men. None. They’re always hard and usually only used after being hurt.

Edit: grammar

How do you make a heavy ice cube? Use heavy water

What do you get when two narcissists are in a room? Silence

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World? Because he heard the lines were long

My friend never learned to shave properly I guess her mom didnt razor right

What do you call a zombie Pac-Man character? Wacca wacca waccing dead.

Why are mums and dads of children who change gender see through? They're transparent.

Do you know about the relationship between hands and gloves? They go hand in hand

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds. - But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

what's the most depressing place to live in America? Missouri

What do Republicans and toothpaste companies have in common? They both promote advanced whitening.

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you? They have built in scales

What’s the worst thing to give a woman who just had an abortion? A to-go box.

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?" Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

What do you call a drug addict named Ann that punches cheese? Ann feta mean

How you can kill more birds with one stone! The answer is: Many dinosaurs, one meteor

What did a Redneck name his son that was born premsture? Earl Lee.............*premature,

Men: stop holding doors open for women -- it's sexist Hold them closed instead, so they have equal opportunity to prove their strength

What do you use to pack underwear for a trip? A briefcase.