Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

Twenty years from now, kids listening to "Baby it's cold outside" are gonna find it really, really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood in the context of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside.

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I was hanging out with my Scizophrenic friend and all of a sudden he bursted into fits of laughter I asked what was so funny and he said "you wouldn't get it, it's an inside joke"

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My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

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Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad. But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

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What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists? Communism

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What does George R.R. Martin's "Winds of Winter", South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham and Star Citizen have in common? None of them are coming out.

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What do you call a red head with a yeast infection A ginger bread house

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I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store... But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

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Bar tender said the beers were on the house. So why didn't he give me a ladder?

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What Do You Call A Firework That Doesnt Work? a fire-dont-work

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What did Tucker Carlson’s bottle of Gator Aid say to a glass of lemonade? The juice will not replace us!

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what do you call someone that mooches all your low-card snacks? Keto Kaelin

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I asked my wife if “Jingle Bells” is her favorite Christmas song. She replied, “Noelle”. Call me crazy, but “Jinge Bes” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

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What do they call Jehova Whitness in China? Ding Dong

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Why did the barometer not do such a good job showing its presentatoon to the [noble] gasses? It was under a lot of pressure.

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Why can't you get Chinese food in China? Because there, it's just called food.

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I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

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Where did Phil Collins record all his songs? In the Stu-Stu-Studio

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A blond is returning to US from Brazil lifts her skirt at US inmigration officer: thank you mam, it looks really nice but I think you got confused between vax and wax

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A Scandanavian man walks into a bar He orders and drinks an entire glass of beer.

"Are you finished?" asked the bartender.

The man looks at the bartender and says

"No I'm Swedish"

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Where can you find the US army? You can find it in South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and maybe in the United State.

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What did Dumbledore say when Harry was forcing him to drink the emrald green potion in Voldemort's cave? You son of a witch!

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Can we ban "can we ban" jokes? They're extremely repetitive. Just like Buster8x's mother.

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My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwhich. Hospital bill is pretty high.

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What do Somalian pirates say as they board a ship? Arrr-lahu Akbar

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A man from the country was doing shopping cart’s at Walmart on Monday evenings. He left. He worked hard and got a degree at a NY university. Now he’s doing shopping cart’s for Target on Friday evenings. Never give up.

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I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back. I get no respect.

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What do you call a sunburnt daschund? A hot dog!

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Why did the Danish person become a plumber? Because he loves clogs

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Yo momma so fat that when she visits the beach shes asked to leave So the tide can come in

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Went out to watch a womens volleyball match and 10 minutes in there was a wrist injury Don't worry though, doctor said I'll make a full recovery

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Going to open up a Canadian restaurant It’s going to be the sorriest place on earth

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Why are pullup bars so tall? It just works out for them.

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I'm having an Avengers themed party this weekend, but due to COVID-19 restrictions... ...it's going to be a Loki affair.

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Man walks into psychiatrists office wearing nothing buy underwear made out of plastic wrap The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."

It's better verbally than written, but you get it.

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My freind got in a car crash, I visited him at the hospital today and asked him how he's doing, he said "I'm doing good, and there's only minor damage" I responded "that's good" and he chuckled, he said "only the children died"

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Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg. I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

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The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

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This is the dumbest joke in the world Where does a general keep his armies?



In his sleevies.

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What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets? Underlay! Underlay!

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There's a 100% chance that if you go to a dyslexic masseuse she'll rub you the wrong way

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After graduating highschool I signed on to serve... The pay wasn't great but the tips were pretty nice.

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NSWF what do you call a blonde flipped upside down A brunette with bad breath

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Steve had a bad case of compacted faeces He had a Doctor's appointment at 3pm, but he couldn't go!

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How many phycatrist does take to change a light bulb It only takes one but light bulb has to want to change.

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I just paid to have an underground water collecting system intalled. It was money well spent.

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Why Does the Norway Navy have Bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they come back to the port they can 'Scandinavian'

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What are the names of Dwayne Johnson’s sisters? The Rockettes.

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If germany were to seperate from the EU, would their currency then be Mk. 2?

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Why do many Buddhists don't like to use email? Because they don't like attachments.

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A politician was arrested at his office and found guilty of cannibalism One of his colleagues had called the police on him after spotting him eating a ham sandwich

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I asked the circumcision doctor if he got good pay He said no, he just keeps the tips

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What is the most uplifting flower? Arose

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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short Looks like they ran out of characters.

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Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

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What d you call a blind vampire? Count see

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What do you call an Old James Bond? Bearer Bond

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What do Russia & Communism have in common? Every time someone tries to take on either, they always say “it’ll be different this time.”

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I tried listening to “Are you gonna be my girl?” on Spotify but the audio kept stuttering. I hate Jet lag.

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What is Jeffery Epsteins favorite musical key? F Minor.

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Which cat was famous in China but despised by the rest of the world? Mousy Tongue.

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I recently lost my job as a watchmaker I got told it was because I stood around and made faces all day.

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I tried to use a public restroom today, but there was a waiting line There was a bathroom stall for the bathroom stall

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Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetbeer Thereisnospacebar.

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Found a rusty propane tank like thing burried in my backyard today. As I open it with an angle grinder My mind was blown

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What deodorant does Paul Maud'dib use? ...Old Spice

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how do you cure somebody with ADHD? You send them to a concentration camp

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Why do golfers always bring a spare pare of socks Incase they get a hole in one

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I don't like yo mama jokes. They've been done by thousands of ppl Just like yo mama

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My ex broke up with me because I had a habit of quoting Linkin Park too much. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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A man dies a returns to life as a cowboy I call that reintarnation.

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What is a vegetable’s favorite joke? Beets me!

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Why shouldn't you yell into a colinder? You'll strain your voice.

​

(credits go to u/trewpowor)

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I doubled by chances for diarrhea this morning. NFSW? I put on a brand new pair of underwear.

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My friend gave me her Epi–Pen as she was dying. I held her hand and took it.


I don't know why but it seemed very important to her that I have it.

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I am an accomplished trophy hunter. My last trip was a once in a lifetime adventure. I shot a rhino, a giraffe, a lion, and even an elephant. It also got me banned from the zoo.

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What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day? A barber.

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What did Anakin say to Padamae when he proposed? Yoda only one I want

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What sound does a pidgeon make when it sneezes? “Aaa-cooo!”

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What do you call an arabic fastfood place? Alahu snackbar

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Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

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Did you hear about the Donkey that changed it's gender pronouns? They now prefer Hee/Haw

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