Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

In school they thaught us: 1+1 = 2 For homework we had 2+2*3 = 8

But in exam we got:
Two monkeys fly. One is yellow and second is right. How much does 1kg of cheese cost, if hedgehog is 7 years old?

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I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 3 days. The box said 5-6 years.

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I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day He won't be walking for weeks

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¿What do they call El Chopo's wife in prison? ¡La Minca!

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Job interview. The interviewer: «You can forget all you learnt in college. Here you have to start over!» The applicant: «Oh, that’s allright. I didn’t go to college» The interviewer: «What? Well, then you’re not qualified»

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What do you get when you cross a mink and a gorilla? A fur coat with really long arms.

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Son: C’mon Dad, put you turn signal on before you change lanes. Dad: FLICKer? I hardly know her!

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Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party. I'm kind of a big deal.

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What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion? A maney-yak.

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Why is the artic the best place to go to court? Garunteed justice

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I thinks Karens' children are rebellious I walk pass a Karen's house. I saw her son watching PJ Masks

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What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato? One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

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Outside of the US, Miley Cryus is just Kilometery Cryus

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What did the politican check for while he was camping? PoliTics

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Guys be 25 on FaceTime with a 16 year old.. Yeah, their gonna face time alright.

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Did you know things are so bad that even Capt. Jack Sparrow has had trouble making ends meet? He can barely afford to keep a skeleton crew.

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The lastest celebrity to ditch plastic is.... Kanye West

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Whays the only word in English with 6 silent letters in? LondonDerry

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I took my 7 year old daughter to work today. She walked into the office and started crying. "What's wrong?" we all said, extremely worried. She answers me between sobs, "where are all those clowns you said you worked with?".

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What’s so aweful that you wouldn’t wish it for your worst enemy? Life

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Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

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I over heard some guy bragging about his Mustang doing 0-90 in 2.5 seconds I confronted and asked that's gotta be in Kilometers or something. He replied no, in Decibels

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What's long, hard and bendable and spelt using th letters P-E-N-I-S? Your spine.

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Why does Fozzy bear spend so much money on coffee? Because he always asks for a mocha, mocha,mocha!

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What did Black Beard's Otolaryngologist charge for his services? A Buccaneer!

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What kind of rope was used to bind Issac? Abraham Accords

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Gurl with the big booty and the lisp didn’t show up to work today, ...she must have called in thicc

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A friend asked advise on stocks, “Should I buy Put or Call on $GME”.

I told him both Options are risky.

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For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have? Elf.

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What do you call a Russian weeaboo babysitter? A nya-nya.

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Who said “I’ll be back?” (The Terminator) Who said “don’t touch me?” (Rocky) Who said “don’t push me?” Humpty Dumpty

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I lost track of our Dalmation Puppy Luckily, she was spotted

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How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors? Incestors.

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What are the three best things Robert DeNiro was ever in? Goodfellas

Casino

Supermodel Naomi Campbell

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What's difference between Vietnam and Thailand? There"s none. They both full of boobie traps.

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I think my calender has COVID.. I think my calender has Covid, it said it was feeling a bit week. When I took it to the doctor, the doctor said that it's days are numbered.

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What’s a YouTuber’s favorite type of moss? The lichensubscribe!

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If you're supposed to be worth you're weight in salt... My cars value doubles in the winter!

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Have you seen Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream flavor? It’s peach ice cream, chunks of peaches, M&Ms, and mint chocolate chunks.

They’re calling it Donald’s Double M&M-peach-mint.

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What's a cop's favorite sweater? A pullover.

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My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, "what an amazing car"... And he replied, "yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year".

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A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What would you like?” The baby seals says.. “Give me anything except a Canadian Club.”

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2 ducks are in a bathtub. The first duck turns to the second and says "Hey, can you pass me the soap?" Duck two looks up and replies...... "What do I look like? A radio?"

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Why is therapy so expensive in the 41st Millenium? Because The Emperor Projects!

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my daughter loves jogging and grammer but hates camping she's always running past tents

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What Newzeland will be Called if it Gets Old? Oldeland

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Batman and Catwomen got twins... One of them became a superhero called "Batcat". The other one got on Instagram to be an influencer. Its Name was not the greatest....

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While the coronavirus is still going on, I better get lime disease Because you can't have a corona without a lime.

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What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross Crop yield

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I hope there’s never a real, bad scandal involving Elon Musk. Because I feel like Elongate could be very drawn out

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My carpet got into a fight. Ended up getting floored

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Draco Malfoy was late to potions class And the class was brewing Amortentia. Draco says
“Ew. Why does it smell like Potter in here?”

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What did the road crew have to do after the cheese crashed it's car? Clean up de-brie.

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If there was a kid hiding their powers in Sky High One of them would be the one that can make cocaine out of thin air. They’re like Frozone but just a different type of snow.

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What food delivery service does Harry Potter prefer? Dumble-Door Dash

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What did the pilot say while flying in clouds minutes before crashing into a mountain? Psh, I don't need these instruments, I fly as I CFIT.

(CFIT: controlled flight into terrain - usually pronounced 'see fit')

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Sonny and Cher are playing scrabble. Sonny draws a tile out of the bag and Cher asks him what he picked. He replies "I've got U babe"

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Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools? He is our Makita cruise chef.

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I don't think my GF is what Tom Petty would call and American Girl She doesn't take it easy, and unfortunately, doesn't make me last all night.

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The Indian restaurant down the road introduced a revolting new appetiser to their menu made of bread. It was a naan-starter for me.

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How is a risky trapeze artist like Frankie Avalon's solo career? They're both working without a net.

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I’m worried I’m developing a fetish for architecture but I’ll cross that bridge when I come on it.

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My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily, which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

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February 14th... a day I get something that starts with "A" and ends im "al"... .... a nice meal.

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What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? "I know what I saw."

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Whats the favorite vegetable of cannibals? Kid knee beans

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I just got a senior manager job at old McDonald's farm. I'm the CIEIO.

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I got mauled by a Great Dane and ended up in intensive care Come on Scooby Doo, ICU

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My dad is a world champion wine maker and kickboxer! No one can crush grapes like he can!

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Chuck Norris doesn't need to buy Bitcoin He mines it with a pen and paper

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Why did Sally’s nice boyfriend leave during the first date? Because her clothes were washed with deter-gents.

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Where do you get quarters for laundry whem you in the hood? The liquor store!

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What do you call French people who like manga and anime? Ouibs.

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Why was the jedi such a good rapist? because he was used to using force

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How do you know Billy Eilish is a goat She's the Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad Guy

SorryNotSorry

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A German, a Polish and a Swedish diplomat get expelled from Russia ... oh wait, this isn’t r/news?

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Paintings from Andy Warhol’s infamous “Campbell’s Soup” series were stolen When they're caught, they will be put them away for m'm! m'm! good.

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BREAKING NEWS: A grandfather had gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, eight Brussels sprouts and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a month.

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I Went To Rome To Look For Some Lovebugs Didn't find any, but I found a Roman tick.

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Why are plants bad cheerleaders? Because they’re always rooting for themselves.

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Yeast is a lot like a hillbilly. It's in bread

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If I really wanted to experience rejection I'd just post on r/Showerthoughts

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