Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

I ate a burger in church today The priest then said “Holy cow”

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What’s is a Frenchman’s favorite operating system? Microissant

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With the increasing price and size of Iphones…… If you want to be an iPhone user in 10 years, you’ll need to have deep pockets.





( first time here, I hope is not too bad)

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I went to a psychic… I knocked on her front door
She yelled “who is it?”
So I left

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Why did Andrew Garfield refuse to play Spiderman in the Spiderman 2 movie Because he objected to the anchovies in the "Pizza time" scene

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I don't like going to the barber's shop anymore! He is always looking down on me.

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Why did Lil Uzi Vert's cousin have to inform everyone in the neighborhood that he just moved? Because his first name was Per

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What’s Icarus’ least favorite food? hot wings

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My wedding anniversary is on Halloween, it’s fitting this year Because just like everything being celebrated, my marriage is dead.

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Why should you avoid buying pants from the Ukraine? Because Chernobyl fallout

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How is your password like an emotional family court judge? They're both case sensitive.

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There is a running joke among marathon runners ... ... that has even won some medals.

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Good friends are like chiropractors. They have your back and set you straight.

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What's the difference between Bigfoot and an Italian grandmother? One's hairy and smells and the other has big feet.

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I asked a girl for a date at the gym. When she didn’t show up, that’s when I knew we weren’t going to workout

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What was NASA thinking when they decided to fly a rocket into a meteor? Did I hit or didymos.

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I put googly eyes on every picture of someone I see That might be why I got kicked out of that funeral...

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I miss Mt.Rushmore before it was carved. It’s beauty was un-presidented

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How many degrees does it need to change a lighbulb? 360 * 4 should be enough

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I finally solved my electricity bills problem saving a lots of money! I still owe them money, but I stopped paying them.

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How is your password like a glass Samsonite? They're both case sensitive.

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My shoe hates the ground There's a lot of friction between them.

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Home Depot sign said ‘Now Hiring—All Positions’ So I called to see if missionary and semi-fetal were available.

They hung up. Quite defensive.

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I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen. I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

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When shopping for fireworks is it best to buy 25 sparklers or 1 M80 for $1? The M8 is more bang for the buck

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What did the economy do when it got Covid? It went into depression

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Why did Uncle Roger broadcast on YouTube? To act on a Haiyaa calling.

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I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour. When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.

What a big Pho queue.

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If death could collect taxes, what would it be called? The death toll.

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What do you tell your friend when they try to get you to go to yoga with them? Namaste...

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What do you call the priest who became an attorney? Father-in-law

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What do you call an annoying teenager? A minor inconvenience.

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What's one thing you can say to everyone but the emo kid? Wanna hang out?

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How's the wedding planning coming on, John? John: "We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

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Where do ghosts go to buy a car? Kelley Boo Book

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What rapper do you write to when you need money? Post Malone

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People who steal your chargers… … should be indicted for battery assault.

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What is the scariest kind of oil? A Gargoyle!

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What do you call it when a rich person goes crazy? Ritzophrenia

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What’s a bear’s favorite kind of berry? A black bear-y

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Trevor and Dave decided to blow up the pasta factory They planted the dynamite and lit the fusilli.

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What do you call a constipated robot? Backlogged.

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What does a competitive eater say after exiting the bathroom? "Two records today!"

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why do monarchs feel so important? Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

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How come New Jersey has never produced a successful NASCAR driver? They all tried to make a left turn, but couldn't find the jughandle.

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What do you call a time-travelling reptile? a T.O.R.D.I.S.

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what do marine biologists do when they're scared? They hold each otter

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My buddy told me he was having a stone bust sculpted in his image... I told him not to get a head of himself.

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My job as a waiter pays really well…. I bring a lot to the table

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Does a non-binary mathematician still use zeroes and ones?

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Where do spirits buy food? The ghostery store

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what's the favourite drink of Atticus Finch? Tequila mockingbird

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What else can you call a milk dud A udder failure

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What did one Mandalorian farmer say to the other? This is the hay.

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Vegan ribs are delicious… The hard part is capturing the vegan.

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It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era. 2p or not to pee, that is the question.

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Dolly Parton no longer speaks to her bra designer. Not since the two fell out.

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What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female? The box office.

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An encounter with the IRA During the troubles the IRA stops a car and ask the driver
"Are you protestant or catholic?"
"I'm Jewish"
"Well then, are you a protestant Jew or a catholic Jew?"

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two kids was bored two kids was bored.

kid 1: wanna play Monopoly?

kid 2: nah, lets just start fighting now.

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I own a three legged dog. It had four legs when I got it, but I wanted people to know that I'm a good person.

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Why did the girl not want to date the communist? He was waving a lot of red flags.

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I wrote a joke about trickle down economics 99% of you wouldn't get it...

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What’s the cheapest nuts you can buy? What’s the cheapest nuts you can buy?

Deer nuts. They are just under a buck

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It shouldn't come as a surprise that Christmas decorations are showing up in stores earlier and earlier... After all, Santa specializes in the Blitzenkrieg.

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Did you know there isn't a single canary on the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands.... Not one canary

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Why did the Blonde only change her baby's diaper once a week? Because it said, Up to 10 pounds on the box.

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What did Fonzi say to his computer? Don't sweat it, be cool man

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The meaning of the word “oops” is actually highly dependent on context I learned that when I heard my barber say it and then my brain surgeon later that day

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My boss said I was too unreliable. "Can you give me an example of when I've been too unreliable?" I asked.

"Yesterday's shift was a prime example," she replied.

"What are you talking about? I didn't even work yesterday..."

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What stops a blonde from attending university? High school.

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I heard USA today just won a Pulitzer "Best investigative paragraph"

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I won a scentific reward today! I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!


I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

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Daughter asks dad if she can try on mom’s old wedding dress… Dad says “you’re not pregnant are you?”
Daughter says indignantly “of course not!”
Dad says “we’ll it won’t fit you then…”

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What did the phone specialist say? This new phone is gonna nokia of your feet

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introverts are like kittens Extroverts see them and go " I want *that* one"

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I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it. The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

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Why are male cheerleaders anti patriarchy? Because they are always holding women up.

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A guy goes to buy some wood to build a house. The wood guy says what kind you need? The guy replies: Implied wood

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This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week! Just invest in the British stock market

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What kind of currency do Israeli ogres use? Shrekels

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What do you call a shipping container full of snails? Escargo

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