Eclipse Jokes

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Funniest Eclipse Jokes

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Funny Eclipse Jokes

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No sun.

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot. It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it.

Ha.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No sun.

You can use a colander to look at the eclipse But be careful you don't strain your eyes

Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun

I couldn't see the eclipse of the sun today! ? Friggin' moon was in the way! ?

How does the sun cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Total Eclipse Today I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!

Fun fact: 99% of voters who live in the "path of totality" for the upcoming solar eclipse voted for trump. Which is ironic, because the *last* thing they wanted to do is make the country darker.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is ? No son

Son - Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun

Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is? No son.

They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today They need to protect their pupils.

Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No son

How does a man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it

GUYS. If you missed the eclipse today, there's going to be a secondary one later. It's at 8:01 PM. The earth will block out the sun and it will go completely dark during a period of about 10 1/2 hours.

How does the moon cut his hair Eclipse it!

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but... Bella chooses Edward.

Why can't Java programmers see well? Because of the eclipse

I looked at the eclipse without glasses. Now I will get to see it for the rest of my life.

How does the moon cut his hair? He eclipse it!

How does an astronaut cut his hair? Eclipse it.

How does the moon get a haircut? Eclipse it

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony Daylight robbery

Your mom went outside for the first time in 38 years... Everyone just called it an eclipse though.

Eclipse is an acronym * Eyes
* Cannot
* Look
* Into
* Partial
* Solar
* Eclipse

A solar eclipse is like watching a woman breastfeed in public It's beautiful, it's free, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

I've been wondering what the eclipse looks like... But I've been kept in the dark.

The eclipse kind of reminded me of my father... ...they appear every so many years and expect people to care

How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera? Stare at it for 30 seconds

What does the barber do to the moon’s hair? Eclipse it.

"Dad, can you tell me what solar eclipse is?" "No son."

Trump stared at the eclipse yesterday, but he'll be okay... He has plenty of practice feeling his way around.

What does the man on the moon do when he needs a haircut? Eclipse it.

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New Eclipse Jokes

My dad told me this joke today: Son: Daddy, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
Dad: No, son

Dad, can you tell me a solar eclipse is? "No sun."

"Dad, can you tell me what a total eclipse is ?" No sun

I said, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?” He replied, “No sun.”

How does the moon cut it’s hair? Eclipse it.

Son : Can you tell me what’s a solar eclipse dad? Dad : No son

How does a barber give the Sun a haircut? Eclipse it.

How did the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ? Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

I TiVo'd the total eclipse and just caught up and I'm confused... is it okay to look directly at the sun now?

I decided to watch the eclipse with only sunglasses, in spite of all the warnings. I honestly can't see what all the fuss was about.

I made a TON of money selling fake eclipse glasses!! ...don't worry though. They'll never see me again.

My horoscope said the eclipse would bring great change Yesterday I found 82 cents

I don't get what the big deal about an eclipse is... There's one every night from like 7pm until 5am...

The only reason the eclipse happened I was changing my mixtape

The solar eclipse was like a one night stand I spent a whole lot of effort for two minutes of pleasure.

I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take. Don't get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I know it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

For sale: Slightly used eclipse glasses Selling them to raise money for my optometry bills.

I am surprised Trump wanted to look at the solar eclipse today... Because if he went blind all he would see is black

We all know that today's eclipse was amazing, but we can't forget the fact that the Falcons still blew a 25 point lead during the superbowl

I saw a double eclipse today. Not only did the moon block out the sun, but the clouds did as well.

:(

My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.

LPT: When the next solar eclipse rolls around, you can use a colander to view the eclipse. Just be sure you don't strain your eyes.

I looked at the eclipse today through a colander. I think I strained my eyes.

Seeing the eclipse was great... but I wanted to see Uranus. Unfortunately it was too cloudy.

By far, the best picture of the eclipse I have seen so far. (

The next solar eclipse will be in 2024... Three or four presidents from now.

Time to invest in LASIK eye surgery With all the people staring at the eclipse today business should be boomin tomorrow!

The solar eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding... You’re not supposed to look, but you know you are going to take a peek.

The solar eclipse was cool to look at and all... But when does this darkness go away?

If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work... see me after, and I'll give you a refund.

Woke up at 5:30am to get a head start on driving to view the Eclipse today Must have missed the start though- it was already dark.

You can look at the solar eclipse directly Once with your left eye, once with your right eye

Edit: seriously don't. Remember to wear eye protection!

How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow? Eclipse them!

This monday there will be a solar eclipse at 10am... Followed shortly after by funeral proceedings for the Flat Earth Society.

The government will be giving out special glasses for the solar eclipse It's called the no child left blind

I'm very excited for the eclipse I'm glad the moon is finally getting its day in the sun.

How does an astronaut deal with his growing hair? Eclipse it!

I was pointing my camera at the sun today and someone asked me if I was preparing for the upcoming eclipse I replied: "Totally!"

How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it!

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Long Eclipse Jokes

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
“There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won’t be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.”


Major to Captain:
“Per Colonel’s order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
“Per Colonel’s order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day. “


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
“Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.”


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.“


Two privates talking to each other:
“Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day. “

Last night there was a total eclipse of the sun...

It was quite an eclipse. The earth's shadow blocked out the sun completely. It got very dark. The temperature dropped. It was eerie. But, after a few hours, I got tired and went inside to sleep.

I hear that there will be another one tonight and every evening next week.

the teacher was telling the students how their town would get 100% eclipse coverage

when Johnnie said, ''that sucks cause we will be visiting family down in Texas, so I won't get to see the eclipse in its full glory.''

Lindsey said, '' don't worry Johnny! when your mom stands in front of the sun you'll get 100% eclipse coverage wherever you are!

Three philosophers are having a debate

Three philosophers are sitting in a study, discussing ideas. One says "Socrates once said I know that I know nothing. Which means whoever is most aware of their own stupidity is the smartest"
"I am the stupidest" another says, "for I do not know how to tie my own shoelaces and must get my wife to do it for me"
"No, I am the stupidest" says the first, "I am so stupid I do not know how to eat. All my food is liquidised and is fed to me via a tube" which he smugly shows to the second philosopher. Then the two philosophers turn to the third, who is the oldest and most knowledgeable of the three. During this debate he has been sitting still with his head bowed.
"What about you sir" the first says to him, "You are the most learned of us, your stupidity must eclipse the both of ours". The younger philosopher nudges his elder colleague to rouse his attention. The elderly thinker falls off his chair and slumps to the floor. The younger philosopher looks over the old man and turns back to his associate exclaiming, "remarkable, he truly is the wisest of us all"
"How do you know?"
"He doesn't know how to breathe"

An explorer travels to deepest darkest Africa to witness a solar eclipse.

He is captured by cannibals and imprisoned. He hears that he will be killed and eaten on the day of the eclipse, so he asks his guard about how the day will proceed, hoping that he can use his knowledge of the eclipse to his advantage.

"Well, usually we start the fire in the morning and slaughter when the sun is highest in the sky.", the guard says.

The explorer is happy: the eclipse starts just before midday, so the cannibals will release him when he shows his awesome power to take away the sun.

The guard continues, "But in your case, we'll probably delay things a bit so we can watch the eclipse."

My friend who went blind in today's eclipse would like to give a few words of warning to others

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