Texas Jokes

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Funniest Texas Jokes

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

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Funny Texas Jokes
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If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?

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Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great... But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.

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A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times. He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.

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I won't believe corporations are people Until Texas executes one.

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We should invite all of the ISIS fighters to Texas. They could have a yeehawd.

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BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground... Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

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Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem... The other 96% said "que dijo?"

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My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front. Credit Evan Sayet.

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At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas. I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

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You know what the best part of being in the middle of Texas is? Any direction you go, you're leaving Texas.

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Why is Texas called the Lone Star State? Because that's the highest rating it could get

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Why is Texas a lone star state? "Because it's terrible."

-Yelp review

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Why has Mexico never won olympic gold? All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

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What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."

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If you're from it, sorry... Q. Why doesn't Texas float away into the gulf?

A. Oklahoma sucks

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House-hunting in Texas is overwhelming... The market is flooded.

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Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible. Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

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Marriage ceremonies are a lot shorter in Texas Because the wife doesn't have to change her surname.

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Texas refuses to remove its statues. Hurricane volunteers to help.

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What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common? Either way someone's losing a trailer.

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Only one man is happy about what's going on in Texas. George Strait.
I can just picture him watching the news while singing "All my ex's live in Texas".

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Two men from Texas are having a conversation... The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."

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The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak. She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

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Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows!

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TIL: Why Texas is called "The Lone Star State" It's their Yelp rating...

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Niagara Falls A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

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Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects. I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

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Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas? The Walmart that got turned into a Target.

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Yesterday a girl I had a crush on for 3 years told me she sees me like a brother... Luckily she’s from Texas

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Why is Texas not a part of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks so much

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Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas? ...because they're still alive.

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What do you call the smell of leftover Mexican food in your car? A Texas air freshener.

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In Texas they don't 69, they 70 Cos everything's bigger in Texas!

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What do you call it when someone despises people from both Louisiana AND Texas? Being allergic to latex

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Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

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I met my exgirlfriend while I was attending college... ... I went to the local community college, but she went to the Christian University of North Texas which explains a lot.

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Houston, Texas, is six feet underwater Unlike Whitney Houston, who is six feet underground.

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Texas is a lot like India Steaks are rare

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New Texas Jokes

Ranger Jimmy was not actually black (on walker texas ranger) He was just in Chuck Norris's shadow

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I spent the holidays with my friend and his family who were visiting from India When the wifi went out in the middle of a movie, all of their names changed to 'Steve from Texas.'

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When Matthew McConaughey gives a research paper assignment to his class (he is seriously a professor at U of Texas) what does he tell them to do? All write!-All write!-All write!

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I was talking to a girl the other day in Texas about this cool show I'm watching. She's real business like, so I tried to give her a compliment. Then she slapped me all of a sudden when I told her she'd be a good pawnstar!

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On a wind farm in Texas, one windmill asked the other if they liked country music. The windmill replied. I’m a big metal fan.

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What's the difference between a murderer in Texas and Microsoft Word? Nothing. They're both executable.

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What's the offical soda of Texas? Big Red.

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Did you hear about when North Texas wanted to succeed from the rest of the state? They went though a rough patch, and it was pretty scary for a while, but they're OK now.

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Do you know what an education major gets when they graduate from college in Oklahoma? A map to Texas.

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I was in Texas and ask the local sherriff about his Colts 45 He said it was only for shooting cans. Mexicans, Africans, Puertoricans

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If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah? A Mormon

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You know what's really great about being a Democrat in Texas on Super Tuesday? No waiting in line. (An hour and a half wait if you were a Republican.)

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