Atheist Jokes

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Funniest Atheist Jokes

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church

Edit: Thanks for Frontpage I will read thru all this when I get home and yeah I'm not an Atheist I'm a Christian

Funny Atheist Jokes

What do you call an atheist business? A non-prophet organization.

Why did the Atheist fail algebra? He didn't believe in higher powers.

Thank god I'm an atheist Wait...

What do you call an atheist charity? A non-prophet organization

Proof of God Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space

What kind of organization does an atheist start? A non-prophet one

If I was god I would be an atheist Because I do not believe in myself

What do you call a God without self-confidence? An atheist

Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays. I guess you could say I'm **Eggnog**stic. ^I'll ^^show ^^^myself ^^^^out

What do you call an atheist charity? A non-prophet organisation.

Why did the atheist fail algebra? He never recognized a higher power.

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do? Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"

Why can't atheist solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it? Because then he'd be a theist.

What's a dilemma for an atheist vegan? What will they tell you about first??

I'm dyslexic, atheist & insomniac I stayed up all night wondering if there really is a doG

A vegan, atheist and crossfittter walk into a bar...... I knew this because they told everyone within two minutes

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'. Is nothing sacred?

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do with their time? They stay up late at night wondering if there is a Dog.

What do you call an Atheist who loves Indian food? A NAAN believer.

A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun. The near-death experience made him a holier man.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be The atheist replied with " God "

The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.” The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”

The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”

The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

An atheist walks into a bar... No one dies and everyone has a good time.

On the atheist tombstone: All dressed up and no place to go.

A priest and an atheist are walking down a road. The priest turns to the atheist and says... You’re never going to believe this.

I'm an atheist with a god-complex... ...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.

What's the difference between a theist extremist and an atheist extremist? One wants you to think like them, the other just wants you to think.

Why can’t atheist solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in a higher power.

I asked an atheist to solve an exponential equation, he couldn't. He doesn't believe in higher powers.

Talked to an atheist today. Turns out he’s part of a Non-Prophet organization.

A vegan and an atheist walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone immediately.

An atheist started an organization It was non-prophet

An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors because I don't believe in higher powers

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New Atheist Jokes

Wanna hear a joke? A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.




Then they get yelled because they aren’t practicing social distancing.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists… There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

An Irishman, a Frenchman, two conspiracy theorists, a priest, three cheerleaders, Elon Musk, an atheist and a rabbi walked into a bar. Ah, the good old days.

You know what the worst thing about being an atheist is...? Nobody to talk to when you're getting a blow job....

What does an atheist call the meeting of Muhammad, Moses, and Joseph Smith? A non-prophet organization

I told my my math teacher i’m atheist while doing exponential functions. I told her I cannot do them because i don’t believe in higher powers.

I was an Atheist until I realised I'm a God

What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who rings the doorbell for no apparent reason

What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God? Well I’ll be damned.

What do you call an Atheist praying? Dying.

I am a devout atheist I don't even believe in myself

I am an atheist Just can't believe it.

Why did The Atheist cross the road? To tell everyone on the other side they were an atheist.

I know a guy who is an atheist with dyslexia. It's terrible. He's absolutely believes there's no such thing as a dog.

an atheist dies and an atheist dies and talks with god .

-god: what is your religion ?
-atheist:i am an atheist.
-god:wtf dude? still? i am in front of you !

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes? Because they're a non-prophet organization

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Atheist walk into a bar... They guy behind them says "You guys probably should have ducked"

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out. It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

I'm a part of the atheist community Its a non-prophet organization

A vegan, a feminist and an atheist walk into a bar. How do you know this? They all told you

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic? You get a guy that stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Religion is... An excuse to piss on other people's beliefs you know nothing about while thinking your own weirdo beliefs are absolute truth without any sort of proof.

Good thing I'm an atheist so I'm above all that.

What do you call an atheist who's eating English toffee? Heathin'

The Atheist Church of America just filed a new tax status with the IRS. ​

They are a non-prophet organization.

What did both the Christian and the Atheist say to God? You're Unbelievable.

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar The atheist ducks

My atheist wife wants to name our son a biblical name. Honestly, I'm appauled

An atheist and vegan and pro-life walk to a bar I know cause they told everyone In 5 sec

You can be atheist as much as you want... ...but Britney still believes.

A vegan, an atheist and a mobile dev walk into a bar You might have already noticed that...

What do you say when you're an Atheist Jew? I am Jew-ish

I'm an atheist And I thank God for that.

What did they say about the atheist seminary? Its a non prophet organization

Why did the atheist sue God? He knew he'd never see him in court.

My husband is a dyslexic atheist insomniac. He lies awake at night wondering if theres a dog.

An insomniac atheist dyslexic with DID walks into a bar. The two are up all night arguing about the existence of doG.

Do they exist!? I’ve noticed lots of Presbyterian and Catholic hospitals, but I’ve never seen any atheist hospitals.

I don’t think they exist.

A vegan, a feminist, and an atheist walk into a bar... How do you know? *THEY ALL TOLD YOU*

It’s hard being a dyslexic atheist believing that dogs don’t exist.

You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat? He didn’t believe in dog.

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Long Atheist Jokes

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

The chicks argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender pointed out the window and said “There’s another bar across the road.”

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”

Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.

“There’s another bar across the road.”

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the LochNess monster either!”

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

Praise The Lord!

Every day a woman walks outside and Yells "Praise The Lord!". Her atheist neighbor always responds "There is no Lord!". One day the woman went outside and said "Lord please send me groceries". The next morning she found bags of groceries on her front porch and said "Praise The Lord!". Then the neighbor jumped out from behind a bush and said "Ha! Your God didn't buy you those groceries I did! There is no Lord!". The woman replied "Praise The Lord! Not only did he send me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them too!"

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter

The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was.

“I am a Muslim” says the man

“Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter

The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was.

“I am an Atheist” answers the man

“Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter

The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?”

St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?"

"It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

An atheist was taking a walk...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.

He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.

Edit: not my joke, but a funny one.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
All at once time stood still. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a believer?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty , Amen."

The Pope and an atheist are having an argument

After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."

Christan Bear

A man who was atheist was walking in the woods when he heard a growl and the loud sound of branches snapping behind him. He turned around to see what was making the noise and he saw a large grizzly bear standing on his rear paws poised to attack. The man imediately turned around and started running frantically thorough the woods, but the bear pursued. Finally the man tripped and fell to the ground unable to escape. As the bear stood over him with his razor sharp claws ready to attack the atheist man started to pray. He said "Lord I know I have never believed in you and I know that I haven't prayed to you before in honest, yet If you could please help me, i know its not right to expect anything from you after all that ive done and promoted, but if you could just make this bear a christian, would that be too much to ask... Suddenly a light flashed through the woods and shined down on the bear that was looming over the man. Then to the mans surprise the bear stopped and lowered his paws. The bear then began put them together and with his head bowed low the bear said, Thank you lord for this meal in which I'm about to partake.....

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies and wonders of the universe all around you? You are like a blindfolded man in a pitch-black room looking for a black cat...that isn't there."

The Atheist thought for a moment and replied:

"With all respect, your Holiness, we two are not as dissimilar as you believe."

"How so?" the Pope asked, incredulously.

"Well...you too are like that blindfolded man in the dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. The only difference is you have found it."

Praise the Lord!

A religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, stand on the porch, and say, “Praise the Lord!”

This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to yell out his door, “There is no Lord!”

One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his religious neighbor praying for food, and, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady said, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”

The neighbor, laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord. It was me!”

The lady, without missing a beat, said, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!“

An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer, when suddenly- He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him with its left paw, raising the right paw to strike-

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

"Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" "Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.... "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but... perhaps you could make the *BEAR* a Christian?"

...a pause...

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed...

And the bear dropped his right arm... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive."

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