Mexican Jokes

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Funniest Mexican Jokes

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein? No Whey José.

Funny Mexican Jokes

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same.... Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF* He disappeared without a tres.



**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!

Why did the Mexican take xanax? Hispanic attacks.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza? With *little* *caesars*

What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph cause he isn't a full essay

Why does the Mexican guy take xanax? For hispanic attacks

Edit: Happy Cinco de Mayo

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend? Alien vs Redditor

Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists? He's afraid of the competition.

Why did the Mexican man take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives.

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall. He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show. He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

A Mexican Magician... ...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three.

He began counting "Uno, dos..."

And he disappeared without a tres.

What do you call a bodybuilding Mexican who's run out of protein? No whey Jose.

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

I’ve been saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends. It means a lot to them.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth. Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3... He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.

I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall... He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

The Mexican Magician A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.

What are Mexican proteins made of? Amigo-acids

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) Alien vs. Predator

A Mexican magician was performing on stage He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three,

"Uno"
"Dos"

And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres

I hate Mexican jokes... They always cross the line.

Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared? Hispanic room

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who's run out of protein powder? No whey José

What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car? Carlos...

What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay!

A mexican kid tells D. Trump: I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup

Did you hear about the Mexican racist? Hey tried to join the que que que.

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

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New Mexican Jokes

Mexican Magician Uno... Dos... Poof

He disappeared...

Without a tres.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder? The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

A Mexican magician was performing a magic trick. He counted Uno, Dos, and vanished without a Tres.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph because he’s not a full esse

Why did the Mexican take his wife to the top of a cliff? Tequila

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away. Now he's Juanted

Why does the Mexican guy take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica? A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

What did the Mexican duck say? Guac

Why can’t a blind Mexican say yes? Because he can’t sí.

The Trump administration just announced ... ... no gatherings of 10 or more people.

Once again they found another way to separate Mexican families.

What do you call a Mexican who owns 2.47 acres of land? Hector

I’m never smoking weed with a Mexican anymore I asked him if he had papers and he just ran away

A Mexican magician was doing a vanishing trick. He said he'd disappear on the count of three.

Uno.

Dos.

*Poof!*

He disappeared without a tres.

what do you call 2 Mexican people playing basketball juan on juan

If you thought Trump was going to build the wall fast before. He's going to really amp up work now that there is a virus named after Mexican beer.

IHOP is allowing all Mexican men in the U.S. legally to show ID and get 10% off. It's their new señor citizen discount.

A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions. Her: Cargo space?

Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. >!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph...because it’s not a full essay

Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same. Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

What is the name Tinkerbell’s Mexican sister? Taco Bell.

My Mexican friend had twin boys and couldn't come up with names.. I suggested Juan and Two

A Mexican magician said "I will disappear on the count of three" So he counted out loud...

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

And then \*poof\*...he vanished without a tres.

Why are Black jokes and Mexican jokes the same? Because once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

How do you call a Mexican boyband? Juan Direction

How does a Mexican cut his pizza? With little ceasers.

What do you call 3 Mexican guys walking through your property? Tres passing.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein? No whey Jose.

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm... it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who had twins? He named them Josè and hose b

Did you hear about the Mexican space program? They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

Why do Mexican students not turn in their essays? They no snitch

Mexican Magician A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3...

"Uno... Dos..."

*Poof* He disappeared, without a tres

Why did the Mexican guy take xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

What do you call a mexican gps? Juan Direction

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

Why'd the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff? Tequila!

What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting? Alien vs predator

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Long Mexican Jokes

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”


“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple.

"There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed.

The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no problemo, jefe! Yo go y finish high school and return to work!"


Juan finishes high school, comes back to work and Trump calls him again.


Juan: "Si, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?! Yo finish high school !"


Trump: "Yeah, but.... um.... you didn't finish college!"


Juan: "No problemo! Yo finish college too Jefe!"


Juan finishes college too and comes back to work again only for Trump to call him again.


Juan: "What now, jefe ?"


Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que?! Why ?! Yo finish both high school y college! Why you fire me this time ?"


Trump: "Because.... uh....um. Ok, here's the truth! You're a Mexican immigrant and I don't like you working here!"


Juan: "No problemo! Yo become Americano and come back to work!"


So Juan gains American citizenship, learns perfect English, converts to Protestantism, embraces American culture, changes his name to John and comes back to work.

Only for Trump to call him again.


John: "Why do you wanna see me, boss ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


John:"What! Why ? I finished high school, I finished college, I became an American! What more do you want from me ?!"


Trump: "Well, the last 3 times I fired you, my critics accused me of being a racist for always firing the only Mexican worker. So in order to prove them wrong, I decided to fire an American this time."

A Mexican family moves to America...

But the father could not find a job and the family fell on hard times. The father went to church every morning to pray to God for food to feed his family.

One day, while he prayed, a black man was coming out of the grocery store up the hill from the church. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it, the bag was heavy, and just as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.

The Mexican man saw the cheese and could not believe his luck, he thanked God and ran all the way home.

He gave it to his wife and told her that God has sent them a miracle and that she should make nachos out of the cheese.
His wife began to protest, surely she should make something better than nachos with this gift from the heavens.

The man shouted at his wife, "No, it MUST be nachos!"

His wife was stunned, "Why can't we make something else out of this beautiful cheese? she asked.

The man replied "Because all the way home the voice of God followed me, shouting 'That's na'cho cheese! That's na'cho cheese!"

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as "1/2".
Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death.
The doctor responds "Juan over-dos".

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and all the concrete mix is stacked up nice and orderly. The boss tells him "great work!" and moves on.

He walks up to the Mexican and sees that al the wood is stacked in a perfect pile, so he says "wonderful job!" and moves on.

He then looks around and sees that the Korean is missing, and supplies are everywhere. Out of nowhere, the Korean jumps out from behind a pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!"

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Blonde American are working construction.

The three men eat lunch together each day at the top of the building they are constructing.

The Italian opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Seriously!? Spaghetti again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building."

The Mexican opens his too. "Tacos again? I'm with you. I'm jumping tomorrow if it happens again."

The blonde opens up his lunch box and pulls out a PB&J sandwich. "Another PB&J!" He cries. "I'm jumping tomorrow too if I get a PB&J in my lunch again."

The next day, the Italian opens his lunch, pulls out a tupperware of spaghetti, and jumps to his death. The Mexican pulls out a bag of tacos, and immediately follows the Italian off of the building. The Blonde pulls out a PB&J, sighs, and jumps to his death as well.

A few days later at the funeral, the Italian and Mexican's wives are in tears. Both exclaim that if they had known, they would have packed something different and the men would still be alive. The women notice the wife of the Blonde, standing there and not shedding a tear.

They ask the wife of the Blonde "How can you not be upset? Your husband is dead because he kept getting the same food!"

The wife of the blonde replies "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took a sample to a lab to have it tested, but all signs showed it was pure sand.

Reluctantly, the officer let the kid go.

The next day, the same kid rolled up on his bike to the Mexican border with another sack in his hand.

Again, the officer asked what was in the bag. He searched through the bag and once again had the sack tested of its contents, but it was just sand.

The officer had no choice but to let the kid leave again.

This went on for years. The officer was sure that one day the kid would have something else in the sack, and eventually he drove himself to insanity. He was fired and became a heavy drinker.

One day, he was at the bar when the teenager who had been crossing the border everyday with the sack of sand sat down next to him.

The ex-border patrol officer looked at him and pleaded, "Look. All those times you were crossing the border, I know you were smuggling something! Please just tell me what it was and give me some peace at mind. I don't even work as a cop anymore!"

The kid said,

"Bikes."

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

Nun joke we used to tell back when I was in catholic school

Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:

"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"

Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!

"I said ALL of your food and supplies!" replied the bandit. "Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!"

"Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She's 80 years old!" yelled sister Mary again.

Before the bandit could say anything there was a commotion in the back. It was Superior Sister Prudence making her way to the front yelling: "He said EVERYONE!".

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence.
"Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack.

Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand.

This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it.

One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re smuggling something.”

The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”

Edit: “snuggling” typo

The first blonde GUY joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage.
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!"
If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping off, too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch bucket, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage.
I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch".

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Conversation between a fisherman and an MBA graduate

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or twenty years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

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