Fat Jokes

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Funniest Fat Jokes

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"... O B C D...

Funny Fat Jokes

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Yo mama's so fat she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm tired of being fat every day.

I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out.

Yo mama so fat Before she was buried the earth was flat

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Add a nipple to it.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Two fat ladies walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny They have enough on their plate anyway.

Don't make fun of fat people with lisps... They're thick and tired of it

Why is Japan afraid of Kim Jong-un? because they remember what the last fat man did to them

How to be insulting A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Yo Mama so fat I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

Yo momma is so fat ... She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats. She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. Because elephants never forget.

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. That's because elephants never forget.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I went to the doctors with hearing problems He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate? They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

My girlfriend was standing nude... in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time. They have enough on their plate already.

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.. He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Aye, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair!"

You shouldn’t make fun of fat people They have enough on their plates already.

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’ Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

Yo mama's so fat when she sat on a memory foam it forgot

What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar? I pity the stool!

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

I went to a bar last night and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?" Students: Eggs!

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"

I like my girls like my file system... FAT and 16.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years, you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table... I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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New Fat Jokes

How do you get a fat girl to bed? I’ll tell you, it’s a piece of cake!

A cake joke, because it’s my cake day!

Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed? It’s a piece of cake

Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate? The last time they had a Fat Man 100,000 people died.

Relationships are like fat people most of of them dont work out

What do cows give you? Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I thought my jokes about fat people would be great for this sub but none of them worked out.

Your mother is so fat nobody can be 2 metres away from her.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

Why do Americans become fat by choice? So they can add more bullets to their ammo belt.

My winter fat is gone... ... now I have spring rolls.

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans. I find it very difficult to pull it off.

Fat acceptance is the only movement without movement

Why are Japanese people so thin? Because last time there was a fat man, 80,000 people died.

Tell a woman she is beautiful every day and she probably won't remember you having said anything Call a woman fat once and she will remember that for as long as you live.

Because elephants never forget.

I went to the doctor for hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

A woman tells her therapist that her husband made 2 fat jokes about her the previous day. Husband: That's a lie.


Therapist: Then why would she remember you making them?


Husband: Because elephants never forget.

Your mother is so fat That she was sent home for gathering in a public place

Life is like a box of chocolates. Doesn’t last long for fat people.

I don't make fat jokes But looks like your mom did

What do you call a town full of fat people? Obecity

-Doc, I have hearing problems -Could you describe the symptoms?

-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier. “And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

Yo' mama is so fat That she sends me nudes via torrent

In 2020 I’m going to stop making fun of fat people They already have enough on their plate

Why shouldn't you make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.

If you watch Wall-E backwards it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms? I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

If I'm fat but identify as slim Does that mean I am trans slender?

I like my women the same way I like my cheese Fat free American singles

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them. They have enough on their plates as it is

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly? Set a fat kid on fire

Yo mama so fat when I see her on Tinder, I have to swipe twice to get all of her off the screen.

Life is like a box of chocolates ... it doesn’t last long for the fat people.

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans. I find it difficult to pull it off.

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things. The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

Yo mama so fat ... The sorting hat put her in waffle house.

Yo momma so fat she doesn't support NTFS.

What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball? Four-chin teller

Your mom is so fat.. Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

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Long Fat Jokes

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost.
"It's all free," Peter replied. "We *are* in heaven, after all."

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"

"It's free!" came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"

"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.

"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'

A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.

After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"

I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"

I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and.....

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound!

As he leaves he sees a new sign next door.
"Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly... rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds!

The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3."
By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk... but he cannot resist. He pays and enters.
The door slams shut behind him and locks.

Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says...

"Better start running."

Amish boy and his father were in a mall...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'

“Get me a beer before it starts.”

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfing all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started...”

The Fat Dad

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a beautiful women standing there wearing lingerie. She hands him a card and starts running.

He reads the card and it says...
“Hi there, I am your personal trainer. If you can catch me you can do whatever you want to me for the remainder of the two weeks”

He drops the card and start chasing her. Two weeks go by and he does not even come close to catching her. But he is happy that he lost 10 lbs. Being pleased with this he signs up for another program, which is to lose 20lbs in two weeks.

Same as last time. There is a knock on the door and a beautiful women is there, but his time she is completely naked. She hands him the card and takes off. He reads it and it the same terms as last time. So he chases after her for the next two weeks, but once again fails at catching her.
But once more he is please that he lost 20lbs and decides to sign up for the lose 50lbs in two week program.

The very next day there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and there stands Richard Simmons who hands him a card. He looks at the card and it reads...” if I catch you, you are mine.

Two Cannibals are Wandering the Jungle...

They come upon a big fat missionary and brain him with a rock. They're excited to have such a feast before them.

Being equitable to one another, as all cannibals are, they decide that one start at the feet and the other start at the head; they'll both work their way to the middle.

After a few minutes, the cannibal at the feet says to the other, "How are you enjoying the feast?"

The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"

The cannibal at the feet says, "You're eating too fast!"

Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chicken."

What do you call a fat cow with a terrible personality? My ex girlfriend.

What is the proper term for a pregnant cow? Also my ex girlfriend.

Whoaa Nellie, that escowlated quickly.

Growing up in rural Texas, we had to find ways of entertain ourselves as kids. We used to sneak into local shops and businesses after hours and rearrange things, or play games with the merchandise. One night, we broke into the town butchery. After several minutes of throwing knives at the wall, my attention turned to the ceiling. There, right above our heads, hung the freshly butchered carcass of a full grown cow. My buddy nudged me in the side and said, "Hey, I betchya two dolla' that you can't rip off one of them cow legs."

I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, Rick, but the steaks are too high."

Another time, we all went out cow tipping. We dressed up in black, and made our way to farmer Dalton's ranch. I went first to do the tipping. After hopping the fence, I snuck up real quiet to the first bull (a big fella', mind you)... took my hands out of my pocket... and tossed fifty cents into the jar labeled "GRATUITIES ACCEPTED" that lay on the ground next to him.

One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."

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