Nurse Jokes

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Funniest Nurse Jokes

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

Score: 11314

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?

Score: 2075

John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Edit: double enter

Score: 1891

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

Score: 623

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. “Who was that?”

Score: 603

Prostate Exam After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who was that guy?"

Score: 501

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Score: 469
Funny Nurse Jokes
Score: 369

I decided not to vaccinate my daughter... I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

Score: 335

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Score: 239

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Score: 218

A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."

Score: 199

John Cena wakes up from coma Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: I C U
Cena: No you don't

Score: 196

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

Score: 195

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended. Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

Score: 192

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Score: 163

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?" Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

Score: 136

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? Just in case she needed to draw blood!

Score: 119

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"

Nurse: "A moment please"

After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

Score: 110

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?” Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

Score: 106

My first dad joke. Nurse: this cream is like chapstick for your nipples.
Me: ohhh so nip balm?
Girlfriend: ignore him.


Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

Score: 106

A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

Score: 100

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

Score: 99

When I donate blood Me: "When I donate blood I do not need to extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way!"

Score: 95

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

Score: 94

Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.'

Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'

Score: 93

John Cena wakes up ... **John Cena wakes up in a hospital**

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can't.

Score: 88

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

Score: 86

The invisible patient. Nurse: Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should i tell him.?

Doc: Tell him i can't see him today!!

Score: 79

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

Score: 73

A lawyer is in the hospital.. As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Score: 30

What would a video game about an abortion nurse be called? Womb raider

Score: 26

My nurse is obsessed with power rangers Each time she gives me pills she says "it's morphin' time"

Score: 20

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

Score: 13

A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’ Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’

Score: 8

What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? "Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"

Score: 8

A kid is dying at a hospital and wanta to meet eminem. The nurse then says

"He's pretty busy but you are going to meet Tupac real soon."

Score: 6

A man accidentally swallows a coin He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

Score: 4

Confucius says that a man who wants a pretty nurse has to be patient

Score: 4

The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job, I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’

Score: 4

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New Nurse Jokes

What’s the opposite of a wet nurse? A dry Doc.

Score: 3

What do you call a Karen that’s a nurse ? A Kurse

Score: 0

If a man wants to get a pretty nurse ... He must be patient

Score: 1

John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on... The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?"

She responded "ICU"

He replied "No you don't."

Score: 0

Right before going into labor, my wife told me to name our child Kaitlyn, but with a C not a K. I honestly have no idea where she found the name Seetlyn, but I told the nurse nonetheless.

Score: 1

How I was fired from my job as a nurse Well, I just didn't care.

Score: 1

A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?". "Yes,we saved them for you under your pillow."

Score: 3

A blonde bursts out the doctor's office, yelling that the doctor flirted with her. The staff rush to see what was going on, they asked her, "What did he do?"

She replied, "He told the nurse he'll check me out!"

Score: 3

John Cena is contacted yet again by Make A Wish It seems little Timmy is about to f-ing die. His last wish is to meet John Cena. John hurries to the hospital.

John Cena: Where is little Timmy?

Nurse: ICU.

John Cena: YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

Score: 2

John Cena wakes up and finds himself in a hospital Cena: "Where am I?"
Nurse: "ICU."
Cena: "No you don't."

Score: 0

A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"

Score: 3

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