Hilarious Nurse Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Nurse Jokes

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

Score: 11314

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?

Score: 2075

John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Edit: double enter

Score: 1891

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

Score: 623

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. “Who was that?”

Score: 603

Prostate Exam After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who was that guy?"

Score: 501

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Score: 469

Score: 369

I decided not to vaccinate my daughter... I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

Score: 335

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Score: 239

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Score: 218

A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."

Score: 199

John Cena wakes up from coma Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: I C U
Cena: No you don't

Score: 196

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

Score: 195

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended. Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

Score: 192

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Score: 163

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?" Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

Score: 136

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? Just in case she needed to draw blood!

Score: 119

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"

Nurse: "A moment please"

After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

Score: 110

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?” Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

Score: 106

My first dad joke. Nurse: this cream is like chapstick for your nipples.
Me: ohhh so nip balm?
Girlfriend: ignore him.

Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

Score: 106

A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

Score: 100

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

Score: 99

When I donate blood Me: "When I donate blood I do not need to extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way!"

Score: 95

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

Score: 94

Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.'

Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'

Score: 93

John Cena wakes up ... **John Cena wakes up in a hospital**

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can't.

Score: 88

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

Score: 86

The invisible patient. Nurse: Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should i tell him.?

Doc: Tell him i can't see him today!!

Score: 79

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

Score: 73

Nurse to my dad at the hospital... ... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?

Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire

Nurse: looks to my mom

Mom: no.

Score: 52

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off. I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Score: 46

Why does the blonde nurse take a red pen to work? In case she has to draw blood.

Score: 39

John Cena wakes up in the hospital... He asked the nurse, "Where am I?"
The nurse replied, "ICU."
He looks at her and says, "No you can't..."

Score: 34

I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said “Don’t worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.”

Score: 27

I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?" I said, "Yes. The doctor."

Score: 20

When the nurse declined his request... He simply said
**"When I donate blood I don't extract it, the nurse does"**
And walked out of the sperm bank.

Score: 19

A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour... The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

Score: 18

My little brother swallowed a coin and was to taken to the hospital When I asked how he is doing, the nurse said "No change yet!"

Score: 14

Just a John Cena joke John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
"ICU"
He said
"No you don't "

Score: 9

New Nurse Jokes

If a man wants to get a pretty nurse ... He must be patient

Score: 1

John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on... The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?"

She responded "ICU"

He replied "No you don't."

Score: 0

Right before going into labor, my wife told me to name our child Kaitlyn, but with a C not a K. I honestly have no idea where she found the name Seetlyn, but I told the nurse nonetheless.

Score: 1

How I was fired from my job as a nurse Well, I just didn't care.

Score: 1

A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’ Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’

Score: 8

My sister in law is a nurse and she always has a red pen with her. I asked her why and she laughed and said ...you never know when I may have to draw blood.

Score: 5

A blonde bursts out the doctor's office, yelling that the doctor flirted with her. The staff rush to see what was going on, they asked her, "What did he do?"

She replied, "He told the nurse he'll check me out!"

Score: 3

John Cena is contacted yet again by Make A Wish It seems little Timmy is about to f-ing die. His last wish is to meet John Cena. John hurries to the hospital.

John Cena: Where is little Timmy?

Nurse: ICU.

John Cena: YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

Score: 2

So I went to the doctor for low blood count today... The nurse told me I was a crip.

Score: 2

Confucius says that a man who wants a pretty nurse has to be patient

Score: 4

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Annie." Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Annie532 or Annie_153?”

Score: 1

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS!”

Score: 5

A nurse reaches into her pocket... A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh no, some arseholes got my pen."

Score: 1

"You look exhausted." Doctor: "You look exhausted."

Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Score: 3

A man accidentally swallows a coin He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

Score: 4

How is a nurse like a ribbon cutter? One ropes the cuts, the other cuts the ropes.

Score: 1

What'd the doctor say to the nurse about skin patients? Don't make any rash decisions.

Score: 3

Patient to visit Doctor A doctors nurse's assistance says to him "You have a patient who believes he is invisible." The doctor turns to her and tells her "Tell him I can't see him today."

Score: 2

After my prostate exam the nurse came in She said quietly, "Who was that?"

Score: 3

A man who wants a pretty nurse Must be patient

Score: 9

It's not nice sleeping in an old man's bed. But sometimes it's tiring being a nurse.

Score: 2

"Sir, wake up!" The nurse said to the old patient.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because i forgot to give you your sleeping pills!"

Score: 2

The world's worst child nurse? Ms. Carriage

Score: 2

I was working hard in the operating room during a heart transplant when the nurse asks me "What are you doing?" I just keep chanting "Kali Ma! Kali Ma!"

Score: 1

Why did the nurse cuddle with her locked-in syndrome patients right after their sponge bath? Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness

Score: 4

Paddy's Wife Was Ready To Give Birth So they both rush down the hospital.

When they get there, a nurse asks "how dilated is she"

Paddy answers "Begorrah, sure we're both over the moon,"

Score: 1

What's the hardest part about being a vegetable? The male nurse.

Score: 2

In a maternity ward, a new father is worried that his wife might have been unfaithful... "Do you think he even looks like me?" he asks the nurse.
"Yeah, but it's OK. At least he's healthy."

Score: 3

A patient collapses minutes after visiting the doctor Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Score: 6

Action dan here, I got a call about my wife from the ER Action dan here, I answered the phone and it was from the ER and the nurse said "Action dan It looks like your wife got hit by a truck."

I said" action dan here, well yeah, but she's got a great personality."

Score: 6

Nurse: Doctor, we have a patient that says is invisible. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

Score: 4

I told my girlfriend I had a fetish for nurse outfits She came to bed in cat scrubs and orthopedic shoes.

Score: 1

Nurse: "Doctor, there's a man that said that he thinks he turned invisible!" Doctor: "Well I'm swamped right now, so tell him, unfortunately, I can't see him"

Score: 4

What did the homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? Feedus please

Score: 2

A good nurse always carries a pen A nurse was walking the ward when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her shirt pocket. "Some arsehole has my pen", she muttered to herself.

Score: 1

John Cena wakes up and finds himself in a hospital Cena: "Where am I?"
Nurse: "ICU."
Cena: "No you don't."

Score: 0

What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? Fetus please.

Score: 4

After my prostrate exam, the nurse asked me an interesting question. She asked "Who was the guy in the lab coat?"

Score: 6

Why can't an IT guy be a doctor? Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange.
.
.
Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Score: 2

I forgot to take my bladder medicine.. The nurse said 'Urine trouble now!'

Score: 1

Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
"Who was that?”

Score: 5

A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"

Score: 3