Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. “Who was that?”
After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who was that guy?"
I decided not to vaccinate my daughter... I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.
A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.
When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"
In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended. Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?” Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “
A nurse comes in and tells a doc...
..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"
Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."
When I donate blood
Me: "When I donate blood I do not need to extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way!"
A guy calls the hospital.
He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!"
Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office.....
Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.'
Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
Hospital... A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
Words no man wants to hear
After the prostate exam, the doctor left.
Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked: "Who was that?"
An invisible man was in the waiting room.
"Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
Nurse to my dad at the hospital...
... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?
Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire
Nurse: looks to my mom
My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...
Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.
I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Two babies are laying in the nursery
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:
-See, I have blue socks on.
I said, "When I donate blood, the nurse extracts it out for me." The receptionist said: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank & here it doesn't work that way."
John Cena wakes up in the hospital...
He asked the nurse, "Where am I?"
The nurse replied, "ICU."
He looks at her and says, "No you can't..."
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters...
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off.
A lawyer is in the hospital..
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Let's make it Aussie joke day. A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."
I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said “Don’t worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.”
A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling...
..."Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
A critical care doc, an ICU nurse and a field epidemiologist walk into a bar,
Just kidding, no they don't.
A nurse walks towards a man informing him his wife didn’t make it while giving him the baby. He gives the baby back to the nurse and said “Give me the one me and my wife made”.
After my Prostate Exam, the doctor left. When the nurse came in as she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear:
Who was that?"
A man from the US with COVID-19 is the in an Australian hospital.
He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse turns and replies, "No, you came here yestaday"
I walked into the sperm bank wearing a Tuxedo and the receptionist looked over at the nurse and said.. Get a load of this guy!
gave blood today, nurse asked which arm… I said, “Left, please. If that doesn’t phle-boto-you; it won’t phlebotomy.”
A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse. “I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have
a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me
a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
An Australian old man walks into a hospital.
He says, "I came here to die."
The nurse says, "No, you came here yesterdie."
Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby
When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:
-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?
The husband replied:
-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it
After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said, “Suture self.”
How do you identify the head nurse apart from all the other nurses? From the dirt on her knees
"Push! Push!" Shouts the nurse in the delivery room. I can't believe I'm gonna lose a push up contest in front of my new born son.
A guy calls a hospital
He says "you gotta help me! My wife's going into labor."
The nurse says "calm down, is this her first child?"
He says "No! This is her freaking husband!"
What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles? Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.
A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar
The doctor sat down and ordered a shot of whiskey.
The nurse sat down and ordered a shot of tequila.
The mom sat down and said “I’m sorry I don’t do shots.” Then falls over dead from polio.
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.
The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job, I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’
A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?". "Yes,we saved them for you under your pillow."
A man is lying on his death bed and asks the nurse for a priest. "Do you want to confess?" the nurse asks. "No ," replies the man, "I want to molest a minor and need the advice of an expert."
John Cena gets into a car wreck and ends up in the hospital...
After being in a coma for 3 days he wakes up and asks the nurse, "Where am I?" The nurse responds, "ICU".
John Cena replies, "NO YOU DON'T!!!!"
What do you call the Imodium the head nurse at Hogwarts gives you? Defense Against the Dark Farts
The nurse brought me my newborn baby and said, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it." I immediately handed it back and told her to bring me the one my wife made.
A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’ Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’
My sister in law is a nurse and she always has a red pen with her. I asked her why and she laughed and said ...you never know when I may have to draw blood.
After my prostrate exam
The doctor left the room. The nurse walks in, and whispers to me the words no man wants to hear.
“Who was that man?”
A nurse wakes up her patient and says "Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It's time to take your sleeping pills"
I became an anti-vaxxer after my doctor’s nurse insulted me. Right before poking me with the needle, she said: “Get ready... little prick!”
A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”
Just a John Cena joke
John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
"No you don't "
One of my friends is a nurse who used to throw up everytime someone with no feet came into her ward. Turns out she was lack toes intolerant.