Cookie Jokes

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Funniest Cookie Jokes

Funny Cookie Jokes

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed? With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside! It was unfortunate.

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick It was an overdoughse.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He was feeling crummy

What's Cookie Monsters favourite band? Oreo Speedwagon.

What is cookie monsters favorite war? Vietnom nom nom nom

Why was the baby cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer so long

Why did the cookie need to see a doctor? Well, he was feeling kind of crummy.

I just open a fortune cookie that had no paper inside... ...it was unfortunate.

Today I had a fortune cookie that had no fortune inside... ...it was very unfortunate.

Why was the cookie so sad? Because his mother was a wafer so long.

Why was the cookie crying? Because his dad was a wafer so long

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he's feeling crummy.


-my 4 yo daughter-

I got an empty fortune cookie the other day. It was unfortunate.

I opened my fortune cookie and... A neck-bearded incel jumped out.

I re-read the box and realised I'd bought 4Chan cookies...

I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day. Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

Why was the cookie crying? Because it's mom was a wafer so long.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.



The real joke is that this is what my fortune cookie said.

What do you call an emo making a ginger bread house? A cookie cutter

What do you do when your DNA cookie is undercooked? You make it CRISPR.

Why was the cookie sad? Because his dad was a wafer too long.

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office? "NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory... Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

I once received a fortune cookie of which the fortune was immediately fulfilled... "You will have a weak dessert"

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird... It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

What did the cookie farmer say? "I've been raisin' cookies."

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!! Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer so long;)

What do you call a 70s cookie band? OREO Speedwagon

Why was the cookie afraid of getting drug tested? Because it was so baked

"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie And the next day I realized, I went to work naked and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster

First we discovered TikTok was a Chinese spying app, then we discovered China was putting spyware in the electronics they sell us... And today the fortune cookie in my Chinese food reminded me I needed to buy milk.

how did Cookie Monster decide who'd win the oscars? he went through all the nom-nom-nominations.

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please. Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

The other day I got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it, you know what I call that? I call that unfortunate.

Sometimes I look down at my cleavage and I'm like, "wow!" "That's where the rest of that cookie went!"

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate? S’mores Code

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New Cookie Jokes

What do you call a cookie with erectile dysfunction? A Limp Biscuit

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? It was feeling crumby.

I got some Chinese takeout. After the meal, the cookie was empty. That was unfortunate.

How does the Cookie Monster pay for his cookies? With Cookie Dough.

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.

I’m selling a cookie jar. You could say I’m making dough off of it.

Cookie monsters dreams are shattered as an Uber driver.. When he realises everyone lives on the same bloody street!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!!! Lol jkjk it had coronavirus

I got a fortune cookie without a fortune in it today. How unfortunate...

Double decker cookie cake At a birthday party today

Me: Oh look, they have a cookie cake....and it’s a double decker.

13 year old daughter: That’s a whole nutha level.

She’s too cool.

If you were a food what would you be? Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside

A fortune cookie told me I would soon be making a change for the better, It’s amazing how it knew I was suicidal.

Whats thanos's favorite kind of cookie Gingersnap
(Sorry if this is repost I'm just a bad meme)

What do you call a cookie that draws funny pictures? A Snickerdoodle!

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

Cookie Thieves They really take the biscuit

What do you call Cookie Monster's girlfriend? A crumb dumpster.

cookie - biscuit Q. What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)

What do you call a key you can eat? A cookie

The difference between a cookie and a cracker. Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

Why don't Boy Scouts sell cookies? Because who would buy a cookie with BS on the box.

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it. I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

Why did cookie go to the hospital? Because it was feeling crummy.

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy? He always accepts the cookies.

What happens when you bang a cookie on a table? It chips.

Why did the cookie visit the doctor’s office? because he was feeling a little crummy!

My fortune cookie told me today to not worry about money because the best things in life are free... I think the cookie is telling me to rob a bank.

According to my fortune cookie I am getting a dolphin! It said my life will have a purpose.

My fortune cookie had no fortune in it. That’s unfortunate

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!

What is hard and dry before it gets in, and comes out soft and dripping? A cookie in your tea, you pervert!

I got fired from the morgue. They caught me with my cookie in the hand jar.

Why can cookie dough never keep a job? It's always getting baked

What do you call a cookie in a wheel chair. Limp biscuit

What is the most expensive cookie you can buy? A fortune cookie

A 70S COOKIE BAND Q: What do you call a 70s cookie band?
A: OREO Speedwagon.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He felt crumby.

What kind of cookie is awkward and unprofessional to bring to a business meeting? A snickerdoodle

This Girl Scout Cookie diet is really paying off... ...now I've got that "Samoan" figure

why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby. jokie

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Long Cookie Jokes

A woman get cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk.
"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask:
"Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak.
"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."


John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."


Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.


The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.


"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."


With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.


Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.


On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.


A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.



The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."


The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.


John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.


Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.


"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."


The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.


They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.


Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.


After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.


John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.


He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.


Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.


Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.


"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."


They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.


John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"


John replies, "There isn't one."

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".*

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.

After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. 
Then he says to the baker: 
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.  He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your magic trick?"

The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field on a hidden Himalayan peak next to the ultimate source of the sacred Ganges River.

It was made with flour harvested from plants of the single-grained EinKorn found growing on the site of a Neolithic Anatolian village and ground between millstones of Lapus Lazuli.

It was made from eggs collected from Peahen nests in the remotest marshes of outback Australia.

It was made from sugar boiled from a cane garden in a secret valley in New Guinea.

It was flavored with a vanilla pod from the mysterious and still sacred original Vanilla Vine found by the Totonac people when they arrived in the Mazatlán Valley on the Gulf Coast of Mexico in the 15th century.

It had added flavor, as well, with chocolate chips made from the beans of a Cacao tree found on the site of a previously undiscovered Mayan temple.

When Roger's grandfather died, the cookie was baked by Gordon Ramsey in a kitchen built exclusively for the purpose.

It was the most expensive cookie ever baked and its ingredients consumed the entire fortune.

The lawyers delivered the cookie to the anorexic Roger as his entire inheritance. Understandably, all the other relatives were more than a little put out and they paid Roger a visit.

They all wanted their share of the fortune but they couldn't find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."


An old one but one of my favorites...

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian
anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen 
table were
literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
 Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
 Italian wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy 
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on
his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
 him back to life.

The aged
and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of 
the table, when
it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Don't touch!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums guitar*

True story by the way

A woman was cheated on by her husband...

Devastated, she didn't know how to continue living her life.

She heard that there was a very wise old monk who lived up in a mountain and decided to go there to consult him.

After a few days of traveling, walking and climbing, she finally reached the top and met the wise monk.

"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to supporting him, taking care of him. And now he has left me for a younger women. My life was stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it.

After she finishes eating, he asks, "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes."

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please."

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while and then slowly speaks, "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanent. We should be aware and not disappointed by that."

The monk shook his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. “Easy, Billy,” says grandfather calmly. “We won’t be long.”
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, “I want cookies! Gimme cookies!”
It’s OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we’ll be out of here. Just hang on; you’re doing great,” says the grandfather.
At the check out, the kid screams, “CANDY! I want candy!”
Billy, Billy, relax, pal. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes.”
The woman is impressed. “You’re amazing,” she tells the grandfather. “You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. Billy is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.”
“Thanks,” replies the grandfather. “But I’m Billy. The little twerp is Michael.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Cheesy Jokes/ Lame Jokes. They make my day.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

Why did the cookie go to hospital?
Because he was feeling a little crummy.

Why was the mushroom happy?
Because he was a fungi.

How do you organise a party in space?
You planet.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta way.

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing they just waved.

Did you hear about the movie constipated?
It never came out.

Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisles, and we’ll be checking out.” When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, “Missy, we’ll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze.” In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her.

“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Missy,” he says. The mother sighs, “Oh, no—my little girl’s name is Francine. I’m Missy.”

A woman gets cheated on by her husband

A woman gets cheated on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks, "Was the cookie delicious?"

“Yes," she answers

“Do you want another one?"

“Sure, please."

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, a bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that.”


The monk shakes his head, "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.

The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her another cookie and as she reaches for it he stops her.

"Do you see the issue with you taking 2 cookies?" Asks the monk

"Yes, humans are greedy in their nature. I should treasure the time I had with my husband and move on." Replies the wife.

"No, you should eat less, your too fat"

Cookies

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......
"Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Jack was dying of old age...

...and he was on his death bed. suddenly a delicious smell wafted into the room, a smell Jack knew all too well. "Oh, my loving wife, she knows I am dying and she's cooking my absolute favorite, fresh chocolate chip cookies!"

Shaking badly, he rolls out of bed and lands on the floor, dislocating his shoulder. With a grunt of pain, he pulls himself to the stairs and slides down them on his belly, he feels muscles being strained and cramping up and he's in excruciating pain.

Weakly, and slowly, he crawls toward the kitchen, the smell of the cookies bringing long dormant memories flooding his mind. "Oh, my loving wife, she's cooked me so many cookies!" Indeed, the countertops were covered in hundreds of chocolate chip cookies.

With a mixture of agony, nostalgia and joy, a trembling hand stretched out, tears streaming down his cheeks, Jack reaches up to grab a cookie from the counter.

Suddenly a wooden spoon smacks him sharply on the hand and his wife screeches "JACK! THOSE ARE FOR THE WAKE!!"

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