Prison Jokes

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says

"OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

...for years he’s been great at his job. When the train arrives at the station he blows the whistle to announce the arrival and for the opening of the doors. After everyone gets off and on he, blows the whistle for the closing of the doors and the train departure.

It was a pretty mindless job and one day he was working away, blowing his whistle, the trains came and went, and on one particular train he thought everyone had boarded and he blew the whistle, when an old lady with her dog was still getting on the train. The doors closed and chopped the lady clean in half, killing her.

The man being responsible for this woman’s death was tried in court and found guilty of manslaughter. The sentence was death by the chair. He was placed in a cell until his execution. A few hours before he was to be killed, the warden came to his cell.

“You get one last meal, anything. You name it.”

“Really?” The man said. “Well if I were to have one last meal it would be 50kg of bananas

The warden looked stunned, he wasn’t sure if he heard him right, but the man looked sincere and who was he to deny him this last meal.

So he buys 50kg of bananas and takes them back to the cell. The warden looks in amazement and disgust as the man devours the bananas skin and all.

After stuffing himself and making quite a mess, the man is led to the electric chair. He’s strapped in, and the electrodes attached. The executioner places his hand on the lever “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and grimaces, only to find the man is perfectly fine. He pulls its again, and again but still nothing happens. They check the wires but everything is okay, the man just won’t die.

The warden is stunned “We’ll only an act of God could save you. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die. Your free to go.”

So the man leaves and gets a job as a train conductor. He’s doing the same thing, blowing the whistle for arrivals and departures. The trains come and go when one day all the passengers had gotten on board and he blew his whistle right as a little boy dropped his ball out the doors of the train. He went to retrieve it from the platform when BAM he was caught between the doors and sliced in two.

The man was tried and found guilty of murder, he was sent straight to prison to be executed the next day. He was sitting, stewing in his cell when the warden came along.

“Well it’s your last meal... again, what do you want this time?”

“Well since you’re asking, I’d like 50kg of bananas please.” The man says to the disgruntled warden.

The warden shakes his head and exhales in disbelief. “If you say so.” So he leaves to buy 50kg of bananas.

He returns and gives the bananas to the ravenous man and watches as he lobs them down his throat. To the wardens horror, he’s not even chewing them anymore just chucking them down whole. The man finishes and is taken away to be killed.

The executioner is surprised to see him again. The man is strapped in and attached to the electrodes once again. The executioner grips the handle that will end the mans life and yells “3... 2... 1...” and yanks the lever. Only to his absolute bewilderment, nothing happens. They check the wires, the chair the power and pull again and again but the man remains perfectly fine. By now the warden cannot believe his eyes, but the executioner proclaims “This is an act of God, clearly you are not meant to die, you have been spared yet again and are free to go”

So the man leaves.

And gets a job as a train conductor. He’s blowing his whistle and sending the trains off only this time he’s learnt from his mistakes. He’s intently looking for people every time a train comes and for several months he goes by without killing anyone.

Until one fateful day when he was doing his job and he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever the seen. As she strutted by he whistled and she turned and gave him a wink. Only the train driver heard the whistle and closed the door, crushing a business man, splitting him in twain.

He was seized and sent to court, tried and found guilty of murder for the third time. The judge was done with him and sentenced him to death that day. As he was sitting in his cell once again, the warden came to him.

“50kg of bananas?” He asked the man

“50kg of bananas.” The man replied

The warden walked away, baffled at the events of the past couple of months. He returned with 50kg of bananas and gave them to the man only this time he didn’t finish all the bananas as he had eaten quite a large breakfast. The warden marched him to the electric chair and strapped him in, curious as to what would happen. The executioner is also intrigued as to whether or not the man will cheat death yet again. He grasps the lever and counts down. “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and...

...nothing happens.

The executioner has just given up at this point and says “Well it’s an act of God. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die yet, just promise me you won’t get a job at that damn train company.”

The man makes no promises and walks away, a free man. The warden runs up to him. Panting he asks.

“I have to ask, how have you cheated the electric chair so many times? Is it the bananas?”

Calmly the man replies “No, I’m just a really bad conductor.”

EDIT: This is not my joke, a friend of mine told me this a while ago, I guess on a sub with 13 000 000 people someone has to have read it before, I took the essence of the joke and wrote it how I would like to have heard it so it’s not original but I like to think I added at least something to it.

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.

"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"



*Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.

He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.

"What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.

"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."

"Oh," he says, "can I try?"

"Sure, go ahead."

So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes *nuts*. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

"Wow, good joke huh?"

"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"

---

And here's the other punchline that threw me for a loop after years of hearing this joke:

---

So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.

"Hey, what happened?"

"Well, some people can tell a joke, some people can't."

---

Thanks for reading! I'm much better at telling this out loud, I promise.

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"

"Sorry" Joe says. "I told you every joke I know months ago. You got anymore new jokes?"

Jack thinks for a moment and says, "Well... I do have one more joke. But it's one of those jokes you gotta write down. It's not funny when you say it out loud. Gotta draw a picture and stuff."

Joe suggests, "Why don't write it on a piece of paper, and throw it over here?"

Jack agrees, and spends all week collecting the perfect materials, rewriting the perfect joke, drawing the perfect accommodating picture, and shaping that joke into a perfectly aerodynamic and balanced paper plane.

On Friday evening, when the lights go out, and the guards are changing shifts, Jack tells Joe, "Ok! Here comes the joke!"

He tosses the paper plane, it sails across the prison hallway, slips between the prison cell bars, and glides directly towards Joe's awaiting hands.

Just as Joe is about to grab the paper plane, it gets caught in an updraft. It bounces again the ceiling once, and then glides out the tiny cell window.

"Did you get the joke?" Jack asks.

"No, sorry!" Joe responds. "It went right over my head."

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."

An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew about the attack! I tried my best to not talk but they started knocking out my teeth!"

The guard came back in and called for the Hungarian. "Come you, let's see what you know."

The Hungarian didn't come back for *four* hours and when he returned he had been beaten to a pulp. He told them, "I tried to hold out but they started breaking my ribs and I couldn't hold out any longer."

"Alright, now you," the guard called to the Italian.

The Italian didn't return for three days and he was barely alive when he got back. "Why didn't you just talk?" asked the German and the Hungarian.

"I tried to, I wanted to talk right away but they tied my hands!"

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. The conductor ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.

However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened to the conductor. The prison guard was shocked and, not knowing what to do, simply let him go unscathed.

In a few days, the conductor was back to work. A few days after his return to the train business, he managed to derail yet another train, again killing nearly a hundred people but surviving the crash. As before, he was trialed and found guilty of mass murder. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.

It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see the conductor again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him.
"What would you like for your last meal, sir?" The conductor respond as he did last time: "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. The conductor ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.

The electricity was activated and the conductor was prepared. But, as before, the conductor was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. In shock as before and not knowing what to do, the guard let the conductor go.

The conductor was, against all odds, alive and was still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the death of almost two hundred people.

He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try not carefully from now on. However, this idea didn't help much as on the first train he was conducting after the chair, he managed to somehow crash yet another train. He was the only survivor of the train, which contained over a hundred people. He was trialed and, again, found guilty of the murder of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.

The prison guard was the same, the surprise was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving the banana to the conductor, the guard was silent. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.

The man sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, the conductor was unscathed. The prison guard couldn't contain himself. He simply had to ask, "Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?" The conductor responds with: "No, I suppose I'm just not a good conductor."

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

 

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

 

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.


"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"

 

"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."


Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "**89**!" Suddenly everyone breaks out into nonstop laughter, which after 5 minutes gets louder and louder. After 10 minutes the guards have had enough and decide to go in. They turn on the lights, pull the prisoners (all whom are still laughing) out of their cells and put them all facedown on the floor and try to restore order.
The new guy looks across to his cellmate who's lying facedown in front of him and ask "Why wouldn't anyone stop laughing?"
With a chuckle, his cellmate looks across and tells him "We haven't heard that one before!"

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

There once was an aspiring young music stundent. His greatest desire in life was to become a worldknown conductor. He spent 8 hours a day in school, practicing most instruments he could find. He already mastered guitar, piano, bass, violin, oboe and flute fairly well. He spent 3 hours a day lsitening to classical music, analyzing it so he could learn to write it himself. At the tender age of 8 he had learned to read notes fluently.

One day, he saw an ad in the local newspaper: "Conducting classes! For beginners and experts!" it said. The boy was thrilled. Finally, he had found a place where he could learn to conduct. So he went to the community center, to room 213, and was greeted by a rather small group spread out in a room with at least 40 chairs in rows. In the front of the room stood an elderly man, looking like he was passing through his eighties. He smiled a warm smile. The boy carefully made his way through the room. He sat down on a chair in the middle row, which was empty. He counted 13 other people in the room, including the elderly teacher. Most of them were older then he was, the oldest looking almost as old as teacher. "Probably pursuing a choldhood dream", the boy thought.

Suddenly, the teacher spoke. "Welcome!" He said. "My name is Tony Stryker, and I will be your teacher in the conducting classes." He smiled that warm smile again. "Let's first of all try out your skills! I will be sitting by this piano" he pointed at an old, battered piano in the corner, "and pla, and you will all conduct me, one by one! No worries now, you're all here to learn!" He once again cracked into that lovely smile. "So, how about we start with you, young lady?"

The lady he had nodded at rose. She was tall, slender, with a hard face. Probably around her thirties. She walked to the front of the room, and stood in front of the piano. The old teacher looked at her. "Whenever you're ready." He said, and smiled. The woman raised her hands, and started moving her right hand in a motion which looked like an anchor: Down, left, right, up. Then she repeated it. She was steady, and looked straight at the man, who played along in her pace. After a while, he stopped. "Good, good!" He said. "Have a seat. Now, how about... Ah, my fellow senior citizen in the back!" He chuckled a little.

The old man rose, and slowly walked to the front of the room, his fedora a little crooked on his broad head. He stood in front of the piano, and raised his hands. They shook, and there was no way of telling if it was of nervousness, or some sort of disease. Maybe both. He then started doing the same motion as the woman had done, only not so steady in pace and a little slower. The teacher played along acordingly. He then said "Great job, really! Thank you." The man did a little bow, then went back to his place.

The teacher looked over the classroom. His eyes landed on the young boy. "How about you, lad?" He said, and smiled. THe boy stumbled a little as he rose, nervous and excited. He made his way to the front of the room, in front of the piano, and started moving his hands. It felt good. He knew what he was doing. He had watched so many concerts, he had memorized every move. He started speeding up the tempo. Faster and faster. Suddenly, the teacher started to look worried, but the boy paid no mind. He was having so much fun. The tempo roose and rose, until suddenly... Silence.

The teacher was bent over the piano. Someone yelled "Call 911!", others rushed to his side. But it was to late. The old man had had a heart attack. THe paramedics said it was fatal, but necessereily caused by something in his environment. Despite that, the boy was devastated. He couldn't help but feel it was somehow his fault. His parents felt so bad for him, they decided to move from the town, to escape all the bad memories. And so, they fled to New York.

They got a small apartment, where they quickly settled in. The boy still was devastated, however. But yet, he still held on to his dream. He was to become a conductor. For years he practised, tried to perfect his pace and his discipline. Eventually, on his 20th birthday, his parents got him the greatest present of all: The chance to conduct the local high schools rendition of "The Phantom of the Opera". He was overjoyed. The very next day, he went to the school, to meet with the orchestra and the cast.

He talked to them, told them his dreams, and befriended them. Then, it was time for rehersal. Granted, the orchestra didn't play so well, and the cast was just high school students after all, but it was all he wanted. They practised hard, and our concuvtor was very pleased with the result. Soon, it was time for the very first show. All the students parents were also, as well as the staff, and some who just wanted to see a cheap musical. The cast was nervous, but seemed to manage it: The orchetra was worse. All the musicians in the orchestra were having minor panic-attacks, and a few were crying. Our conductor gathered them all backstage, and held a pep talk. After it, all the participants felt inspired, and was calm again. Our conductor was pleased, and so the show began.

But something must have happened, because the moment the first song started, the audience flinched. It sounded awful. It was off-beat, different keys, and the wrong songs. The cast messed up their lines, and the tuba player fainted. A few of the parent walked out at that very moment. Our conductor was devastated: He knew it was his fault. He was nothing more than a bad conductor. He ran out of the school, and took the first train, going anywhere.

He rode it to the end station before he realized where he was: Austin, Texas. He looked aroud, and wondered what he should do. He a little money, so he found a cheap hotel, and immedieatly started looking for a job.

He was amazed when the first thing he found in the newspaper read "Assistant needed at Austin Concert Hall! Prior musical studies a must!". He thought about it, and then stood up. It was his dream. So he marched down to the Austin Concert Hall, and did an interview with the director. A few days later, he recieved a phone call in his hotelroom: He was hired.

He worked there for a couple a months, cleaning, tuning instruments, taking care of some legal forms, when all of a sudden the conductor of the orchestra approched him. " heard you wanted to become a conductor." He said. "How would you like to try to conduct our orchestra, just for fun?" Our conductor was stunned. He didn't know what to say. Of course he did, but who knew what could happen? He said to himself that nothing bad could happen, and told the chief conductor that he would love to try. But still, he walked with heavy steps towards the hall.

Inside, the whole orchestra was assembled on stage. Flutes, Violins, Cellos, Harps, Oboes and percussions, all in one place. It was beautifull. Put conductor stepped up to the stage, and onto the conductors podium... And gripped the Conductors baton. "Okay, guys..." He said, shakingly, "Let's... Let's play Mozart's 5th." He starte moving the baton, and it was glorious. usic was all around him, and he lost himself in it. However, as he lost himself, he also lost grip of the baton. It flew out of his hand, and straight into the mouth of one of the violin players.

She died immediately. Our conductor was charged with manslaughter, and taken to prison. He was sentanced to death, by the electric chair. They gave him his last meal, a last prayer, and put him in the chair. They strapped him up, put water on his forehead, and put on the headpiece. And then, they pulled the switch.

Nothing happened. The staff checked all the wires, all circuits, and tried again. Still nothing. They called in an electrician, who looked at the chair, and stated that nothing was wrong, that it should work properly. Once again, they tried. Nothing. Not so much as a twitch. After a few hours, the director of the prison walked up to the sentanced man and asked "Why won't you die? What is wrong you?!". Our protagonist looked at the director, and said in a tired voice "I suppose I'm just a poor conductor."

Joe, a train conductor, was driving his train when he fell asleep at the controls. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Joe was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.

However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened. The guard was astonished. Not knowing what to do, he simply let Joe go.

A few days later, Joe was back to work conducting trains. Shortly after his return, he managed to derail yet another train, again killing nearly a hundred people but surviving the crash. As before, he was charged and found guilty of multiple negligent homicides. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.

It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see Joe again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him. "What would you like for your last meal, sir?" Joe respond as he did last time: "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and again braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.

The electricity was activated and Joe was prepared. But, as before, he was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. Now even more incredulous than before, and not knowing what to do, the guard let him go.

Joe was, against all odds, alive and was incredibly still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the deaths of almost two hundred people.

He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try to drive more carefully from now on. However, this effort didn't help much, as the very next train he was conducting, he managed to somehow crash. He was the only survivor of the train, which again contained over a hundred people. He was again charged, and again found responsible for the deaths of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.

The prison guard was the same, the meal was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving Joe the banana, the guard was silent. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.

Joe sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, Joe was unscathed. The prison guard couldn't contain himself. He simply had to ask, "Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?"

Joe paused for a moment. Then he replied: "No, I suppose I'm just a terrible conductor."

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie"

At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."

Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"