I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?
She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.
Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide? There are bullet holes in the mirror.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
*edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*
There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...
The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"
The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "
The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"
Then a train hit them
From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette? Your camera.
What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked? “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
Blonde walks into a... A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.
"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.
"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months? It said 2-4 years on the box.
Blonde Joke of the day
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D
What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden? The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke.
A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..
Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"
Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."
Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"
An amnesiac walks into a bar He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Two blondes are locked out of their car... The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day? When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
[Blonde] What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Three blondes found some tracks...
The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
Two blondes get stuck in elevator
One of them starts yelling: HELP, HEEEELP
The other one then suggests: Maybe we should start yelling together
The first blonde starts yelling again: TOGETHER, TOGETHEEEEER
Another blonde joke
A professor told his class:
"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"
A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"
A man sees a blonde across the river.
Man: How do I get to the other side?
Blonde: You are on the other side.
My blonde girlfriend froze In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".
A blonde tried to commit suicide Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.
The blonde jokes on this sub need to stop! I'm blonde and I don't get them.
Why do blonde women have bruised belly buttons? Because blonde men are stupid too
A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland. She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button? Because blonde men are stupid too.
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...
The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
What do a call a blonde that dyes her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence.
A blonde walks into a drycleaners
and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?
The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."
There's only 3 blonde jokes... The rest are true stories.
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"
What time is it?
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem...
The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders."
The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"
FINALLY! BLONDE MEN JOKES: A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers "Yes but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."
A blonde was watching the news when she suddenly hears “American rights are being violated” She sighs and thinks to herself “thank god I’m a leftie!”
How did the blonde break her legs raking leaves? She fell out of a tree.
What goes blonde brown blonde brown blonde brown blonde? A naked blonde doing a cartwheel.
Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons? Because blonde guys are stupid too.
Translating a Serbian joke in english
A blonde woman walks into a shop and asks
"Omg that accordion looks so cool I gotta have it, how much is it"
"Ma'am that's a radiator"
How does a blonde braincell die? Alone.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend asked, "What's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
A blonde lady is going to the doctor
Doctor: Hello miss, what's the issue?
Blonde lady: Oh doc, i swallowed an ice cube
Doctor: Ah okay, anything wrong?
Blonde lady: YES! It didn't come out yet!
Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean? So she could get it to sync!
A blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. "Shut up!" she said "I'm WINNING!"
A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke??"
What should you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back!
Did you hear about the blonde who didn’t learn to water ski? She couldn’t find a lake with a slope
Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday". Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"
A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.
A Blonde on a date, asked the guy, do you have any children? Guy replies, yes I have one that is just under two. She says, I maybe blonde but I know how many one is!
A blonde is taking her driving exam
She gets into the car and the teacher fails her immediately.
- What do you mean? I just got into the car.
- Yes, but you got into the back seat.
Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick. He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on a deserted island 10 miles from shore. The brunette swims 2 miles before drowning. The redhead makes it 8 before drowning. The blonde swims 5 miles before getting tired and swimming back to the island.
I try to steal jokes but I never get the punchline quite right Anyway, two engineers tied a blonde to a flagpole or something
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie? She went to see "Closed For The Winter".
Two blondes are in a dog park
One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"
[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"
A blonde went to the library
Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.
Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.
Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.
“Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband last night?”
“She’s that blonde chick Reese something?”
“No, with her knife”
What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus? She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Two blondes are walking through the park...
One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"
How did the blonde break her arm while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree
A blonde laughs at a joke three times
Once when it is told.
Two minutes later, when it is explained to her.
A week later, when she gets it.
What do u call a blonde that dyed their hair?
(Some old guy at chipotle told me this lmao)
What do you call when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?'
So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
What’s blonde and dead in the closet? Hide and seek champion of 1846
why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? She wanted to make up her mind.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? Because on the container it said concentrate.
A blonde decided to paint a room.
When her husband got home, he asked,
'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,
'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'
Blonde at the Dry Cleaners
A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned.
She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?”
She giggles and says, “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
A blonde goes up to a priest and asks,"Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?"
He replied,"Do you mean a choir?"
She snaps back,"Ok,acquire a church singing group."
A blonde walks into a library and orders a burger and fries
the librarian says, “excuse me, but this is a library!”
the blonde then quietly whispers, “i’m sorry - can i have a burger and fries?”
A blonde was fired from an m&m's factory She kept throwing in the garbage all those defective m&m's with a "w"
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste
A blonde woman finds a letter in front of her door that says "DO NOT BEND" She spent the next two hours figuring out how to pick it up.
Two blonde girls were having breakfast.
One of them said "Yesterday I slept with two Brazilian guys!"
The other said "Wow, I don't even think I've seen that many guys!"
What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last year's hide and go seek winner.
I was hosting a gathering for my blonde girlfriend's birthday. I told her it was casual and when everyone arrived she appeared with her outfit around her ankles.
"Blame my boyfriend," she explained, "He said dress down!"
A bloke I work with says he's dating twins...
I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"
"That's easy..." he says "...Marie's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."
Why did the blonde woman show up at the federal penitentiary and ask to have a conjugal visit with Jeffrey Epstein? She heard that he was well hung.
A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed
Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?
Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house
Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!
A rabbi, a bishop and a hot blonde walk into a bar... The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A blonde is doing a crossword puzzle...
"What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."
Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third one was hit by the train.
What do you do when a blonde girl throws a grenade at you? You remove the pin and throw it back.
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow sat down
Can't argue with that Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other " Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida
Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree... After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”
A blonde is pregnant.
Brunette: Boy or girl?
Blonde: I want my first daughter to be a girl.
A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. "Thank you" said the assistant "come again" "No" said the blonde "it's toothpaste this time"
A blonde was going up an escalator when it broke down. She was stuck there for three hours.