Online classified ad
Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.
Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?
She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.
Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide? There are bullet holes in the mirror.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
*edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*
There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...
The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"
The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "
The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"
Then a train hit them
From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette? Your camera.
What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked? “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
Blonde walks into a... A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.
"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.
"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray." Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."
Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months? It said 2-4 years on the box.
Blonde Joke of the day
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D
What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden? The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke.
A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..
Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"
Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."
Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"
An amnesiac walks into a bar He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Two blondes are locked out of their car... The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day? When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
[Blonde] What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Three blondes found some tracks...
The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
Two blondes get stuck in elevator
One of them starts yelling: HELP, HEEEELP
The other one then suggests: Maybe we should start yelling together
The first blonde starts yelling again: TOGETHER, TOGETHEEEEER
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in 5th grade. Which one is hotter? The blonde..because she’s 18.
Another blonde joke
A professor told his class:
"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"
A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"
A man sees a blonde across the river.
Man: How do I get to the other side?
Blonde: You are on the other side.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
A blonde dies her hair brown... what do you call it? Artificial intelligence
Blonde and the Airlines
A blonde rings up an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget? He was nuts over her.
A Blonde on her way to Disneyland... ...saw a sign that said "Disneyland, Left", so she turned around and went home.
What do you call a blonde who colors her hair another color? Artificial Intelligence
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman
After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.
She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"
Why did the blonde have makeup on her forehead?
I told her to make up her mind.
* **EDIT*** Thanks to **diosmuerteborracho** for the suggestion
* Why did the blonde have lipstick on her forehead?
* I told her to make up her mind.
Two guys were in a bar with their blonde girlfriends
Guy 1: "Do you know why blondes are so good at giving head?"
Guy 2: No, why?
Guy 1: its because they've got a vacuum between their ears
Blonde girlfriend: "well, at least its better than nothing!"
Why did the blonde girl have a bruise on her belly button? Because blonde guys are dumb too.
A blonde lady is going to the doctor
Doctor: Hello miss, what's the issue?
Blonde lady: Oh doc, i swallowed an ice cube
Doctor: Ah okay, anything wrong?
Blonde lady: YES! It didn't come out yet!
Me to my blonde girlfriend: What two languages would you like to be fluent in? Her: English and American.
I asked my blonde girlfriend: "If you inherited or won a million pounds, what’s the very first thing you would do with the money?" She said, "Thank the person I inherited it from."
A blonde stood on the streets of new york city with a surf board... She just wanted to catch the highest of the heat waves!
A blonde, a ginger and a bald man walk into a live music bar. The doorman refuses entry to the ginger, because the band is playing soul music.
What is a blonde's favourite colour? Pineapple.
Why did the blonde fail her driver's test? The guy told her it was time to park, so she climbed into the back seat.
A blonde prostitute calls the police to report that she'd been raped...
"When did it happen?" the cop asks.
"Five days ago," the blonde says.
"Five days!" the cop says. "Why did you wait so long to call us!?"
"Well, I didn't know it was rape until the check bounced!"
My blonde roommate walked into the bathroom with an undercooked steak, camera, and towel. She said "I'm getting some snaps of a rare, meatier shower."
A blonde singer on our cruise ship seemed to be skipping one note in every song. She told us she was scared of getting lost at C.
A blonde bursts out the doctor's office, yelling that the doctor flirted with her.
The staff rush to see what was going on, they asked her, "What did he do?"
She replied, "He told the nurse he'll check me out!"
What do a fake blonde and a airplane have in common? They both have a black box
What’s the similarity of a tornado and a blonde? They start with sucking and blowing, then they take your house Sorry for formating
Did you hear about the blonde who had her nose stuck between elevator doors? She got quite a facelift.
A blonde girl met a nice guy at her father's funeral
They hit it off immediately. Obviously, she was too grief stricken to make a move then.
A few days later, she asked around but was unable to reach him.
So, a week later, she killed her mom.
[Blonde] Why don’t Blondes use vibrators? The always chip their teeth.
A blonde girl is in the woods...
She realizes she is lost and tries to make a fire. She fails and lies on the ground in defeat, crying.
But then her husband walks outside and tells her to come back inside.
I told my blonde coworker that if she could guess how many dollars were in my pocket, I'd give her both of them... She said "3."
Where's the only place that blonde girls can have dark hair? Between their teeth.
Why did the blonde take the ladder to the pub She heard the drinks were on the house
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are driving in a car. The brunette mentions that Christmas falls on a friday this year. The blonde says "I hope it's not Friday the 13th!"
What is it called when a blonde has their hair dyed brown? Artificial Intelligence
Why did the blonde girl remove the bathroom door? So that she can't be spied on through a keyhole.
How do you tell a blonde from a brunette in the dark? Just call out "can you hear me?" and listen for the reply "no, its too dark in here!"
Why did was the blonde happy she finished a jigsaw in 6 months? Because the box said it was for 2-4 years.
A blonde encountered a brunette friend of hers and said, “I heard that you had died.”
The brunette replied, “Well, you can see, I’m alive.”
To which the blonde said, “But I trust the redhead who told me more than you.”
What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair? Artificial intelligence
A blonde finishes a puzzle . . . It could happen.
Two blonde girl goes to a bar.
The bartender asks: 'Are you sisters?'
The two blonde says: 'No, we aren't even catholics.'
Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.
Blonde girl was staring at a bottle of juice... Because the label said "concentrate."
I asked the blonde lady, "Why do you have TGIF written on your shoes?" She replied, "Toes Go In First"
What do you call a blonde who does a handstand? A brunette with bad breath.
A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first? No one, none of them exists.
Why did the dumb blonde have a bruise near her belly button? Because blonde men are dumb too.
A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park,
the brunette says awwww look a dead bird poor thing.
The blonde looks up and says where?
A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks...
The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"
Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...
Where do all blonde jokes come from? Brunettes sitting around on a Saturday night.
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde and asks her for her license. She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you took away my license and now you want to see it again?"
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins? The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in the ninth grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.
A blonde walked into a bar. Another blonde walked into that same bar. The brunette ducked.
Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
Real definition of Zebra from Blonde's perspective
What is a Zebra?
A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.
A very attractive blonde girl is changing in her room when she notices a man outside her window...
**Her** - What are you doing?!?
**Him** - Uhhhh...I came here for a peek at you.
**Her** - OMG WHERE! Pikachu is my favorite!
What has blonde hair, blue eyes and tends to ailed animals? A VeterinArian.
How to sink a submarine with a blonde on board? Just knock. She will open it.
A dumb blonde, smart blonde, and the Easter Bunny are walking down the street. There is a $100 bill on the ground. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde. The other two are imaginary.
A blonde and a brunette are in a room...
The blonde ask: "What does idk stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, no one does!"
What's the difference between your wife and your blonde girlfriend? About a 150 pounds.
Two blondes and a stripper walk into a bar.
The second blonde should have seen it coming.
The stripper usually does.
I told my girlfriend I was unfaithful
My girlfriend found blonde hair on the passenger seat of my car, so I had to say that I was cheating on her.
How embarrassing would it be if she knew I sold corn on the freeway?
Why did the blonde run with her bike? Because it was going to fast for her to get on.
Ad in the local paper: 25 year old woman, very attractive, beautiful blonde hair, perfect measurements, intelligent, with good sense of humor and stable income - Selling dump truck.
A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Another Old Blonde Joke
A brunette yells to a blonde across a river, "Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"
Why did the blonde girl get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing away all the W's.
So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
how to you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? you wave at her.
A blonde girl is eating an ice-cream
Her friend tells her : "You have ice-cream on your cheek".
The blonde girl starts to rub her left cheek. "No the other way".
She puts a finger in her mouth and rubs. "Hij it gonhe ?"
(sorry, it's more a visual joke)