Bacon Jokes

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Funniest Bacon Jokes

I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Funny Bacon Jokes

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

I just had a physical. The doctor said: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!”

I just came back from the doctor's. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

“What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One, if no one's looking.

I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty" I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan? You take away their brooms.

My bacon kept curling in the frying pan so I took away their little brooms and rocks.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

Dad at breakfast: Dad at breakfast: I’ll have bacon and eggs, please

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten them yet!

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

I went to the doctor recently. He said : "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said : "What, like bacon and burgers?"

He said : "No fatty, don't eat anything."

bacon and eggs walk into a bar bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede? Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its tiny brooms.

Two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar The bartender asks them to leave. They all ask why. Bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast here."

Two eggs and a strip of bacon walk into a bar The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry - we don't serve breakfast here."

Programmers wife tells him to go to the store... She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there’s milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.

Why did the bacon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk.

Why I dislike this sub: There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.

Smoking can kill you, and bacon can kill you, but smoking cures bacon.

How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their tiny brooms!

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer. Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

Smoking will kill you and bacon will kill you... But smoking bacon is a cure.

What tree does bacon grow on? Porcupine

So a piece of bacon and a biscuit walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve breakfast here"

How do you confuse a Jew? Put the bacon on sale for half-off.

What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim? Who cares! More bacon for me.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? Take away the tiny broom.

how do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their tiny brooms.

What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book... You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

Eggs and bacon A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.

If you had to choose... Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die !

In my day we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, there is No Cash.

No Hope, and

No Jobs.

If Kevin Bacon dies.....

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New Bacon Jokes

Why are lots of people taking about BLM? I’m more of a Bacon Lettuce Tomatoes type of guy, but you do you

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs... Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs...
Please God, dont let Kevin Bacon die.

What comes out of bacon in Mediterranean? Greece.

I like my bacon with a touch of crispiness hey chris come here

We used to have Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.... I'm not looking forward to when Kevin Bacon dies

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “Like what, bacon and burgers?”

He said: “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar The bartender says "sorry we don't serve breakfast"

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that... Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

BREAKING NEWS The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you Students: Eggs Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you Kids: Bacon Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you Kids: Homework

Went to the doctor's the other day for a check up and told me i must stop eating bacon As it brings me out in rashers

WHAT DOES A MAN WITH 10” HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? This morning I had bacon eggs and toast!

Twenty years ago, we still had Steve Jobs. Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope. God help us when Kevin Bacon dies.

A waitress asked me what kind of bacon I'd like.. I said "I'm going to need a coffee before I make any rash decisions"

Smoking causes cancer. Bacon causes cancer. But smoking bacon will cure it...

I am not a fan of Islamic pubs. You can't drink alcohol, or get a bacon sandwich. Women can get stoned there though.

2 cowboys are walking through the desert. One of them sees a tree covered in bacon and runs towards it. He is instantly shot. Because this was no bacon tree. This. Was a *ham bush.*

I went to the doctors recently Doctor: “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

Me: “Like bacon and burgers?”

Doc: “No, fatty, don’t eat anything.”

Bacon Packaging Lies Bacon packaging is always way off about the amount in the package. Says 24 pieces but we only end up with like 10 sitting at the table.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the on? Take away it’s tiny brooms!

How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away the little brooms.

She said, "Don't go bacon my heart." I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

What do mods like on their sandwiches? Lettuce guacamole bacon and tomato

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die.. It's on my baguette list....

I went to the doctors recently and that's he told me to do I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs... Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

Did you hear they canceled the bacon movie? apprently they couldn't secure the Wright's.

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger? One, if noone is watching.

Dave Bacon once said, "Change cannot be given to you everytime. You must bring the change"


BTW, Dave is the check out guy at the grocery store.

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong? Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

I went to the doctor the other day and he said to me, “don’t eat anything fatty” I said “what, like bacon or sausages?” He said “no fatty, just don’t eat anything”

I had the swine flu but they cured me... Now I have bacon flu.

What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade? Bacon bits.

What do you call Canadian police? Maple Bacon

What did the knowledge say to the power? France is bacon

What does a pig say on a hot summer day? "I'm bacon out here!"

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon? It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

My wife is pastafarian whereas I belong to the United Church of Bacon Our son believes in spaghetti carbonara.

Why can't Jews be cops? Bacon isn't kosher

Went to see my doctor yesterday. He said "Don't eat anything fatty".

I replied "You mean like bacon and sausage?"

He answered "No fatty. Don't eat anything"

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Long Bacon Jokes

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, candied bacon, canadianed bacon, smoked bacon ... In fact there is every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Issa bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe it's a mirage? We're in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon...its no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to about 5 meters away, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun open fires on them and Luis drops like a wet sock. Luis, mortally wounded, warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, its not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What is it? "

"Pepe.. its not a bacon tree. Its

Its

Its

Its

Its a ham bush!"

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.


Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"


He replies, "To the kitchen."


She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"


He replies, "Sure."


She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"


He says, "No, I can remember that."


She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."


He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."


She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."


With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.


After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!

Every imaginable kind of cured pork!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...

"Pepe... Go back man! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?!"

"Pepe..ees not a bacon tree. Ees..."

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...a ham bush...!!"

A sweet couple in their 80's...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

Bacon Tree...

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Oh my, John," says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right!" says John.

So John goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying John.

"John, John! What on earth happened?"

With his dying breath John calls out

"It's not a Bacon Tree"

"It's a Ham Bush"

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .. every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage ? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree !"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it ? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.

"Hey, Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!" Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe.

With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

Restaurant Order

A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.

"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself.
The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?"
The Jew replied, and told the leader "Ven I came to this country they give me a job, sit under this tree and warn people, dont go over the hill! Over the hill is a bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me."
The leader went back and tells his people that it's just some crazy Jew saying something about bacon.

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew.
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You old fool! You sent us to our deaths, why didn't you warn us!! We went over the hill but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, I made a mistake, it vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast...

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet." said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Two Mexicans

are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"

"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...!"

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

Old age...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Two Mexicans are lost in a desert after crossing into the United States...

They are wandering aimlessly and starving, and they are just about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

>"Hey Pepe, are you smelling what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk"

>"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's fried bacon, there's raw bacon, there's back bacon, there's double smoked bacon - there's every imaginable kind of cured pork!

>"Pepe! Pepe! We ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

>"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

>"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

>"Pepe... go back man, you were right, ees not a bacon tree!"

>"Luis... Luis mi amigo... what ees it... tell me! "

>"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

> Ees...

> Ees...

> Ees...


> Ees a ham bush...."

An elderly, forgetful couple . . .

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks.    

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'    

'Sure.'    

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.    

'No, I can remember it.'    

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.  Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that.  You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'    

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks.  

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'    

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.  She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out: "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the morning on the weekend.

She tells him he won't get breakfast until he does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.

While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of them.

He kicks a chicken, flogs a cow, and a pinches a pig.

When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he flogged the cow.
He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he harassed the pig.

Right then his father comes in trips over the cat and gives it an unmerciful kick up the hole out the door.

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Would you like to tell him or should I?"

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