Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?
Why are catholic priests called father? Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
Why do we refer to priests as "father"? Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".
"Daddy, how do stars die?" "Drugs, normally."
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered... "Swarm."
Daddy, what are clouds made of? Linux servers, mostly.
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...
You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"
Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"? Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?
The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"
Why are Catholic priests called "Father"? Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.
What is the gender-neutral term for "sugar daddy?" Glucose guardian.
A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?" The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
A Little Black Jewish Boy says to his father, "daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?"
Why do you ask? Says the dad.
The boy says, "well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I should haggle him down to $75 or just steal it"
She said "choke me daddy!" So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
A boy asks his mom, “When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?”
Mom: Daddy doesn’t have two penises son
Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth!
"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."
"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."
"Daddy what is a transvestite?" "Ask Mommy, he knows."
Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"? "Daddy" would be too obvious.
Why are priests called father? Because 'daddy' would be too obvious
Mum when I was on the bus with Dad
Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
"Daddy, am I adopted?" Not yet.
A little girl asked her father, “Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?” He replied, “No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with ‘If elected, I promise . . .’”
Mommy, why is daddy bald?
"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?"
A young child asks his father, "Daddy, what are clouds made of?" "Mostly Linux servers."
Dad how are babies made?
Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes
A black boy asks his white parents "Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".
Daddy, what are clouds made of?
Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.
Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
"Mom, Daddy's drunk"
"Why do you say that?"
"He's shaving the mirror again.."
A man saves up enough money to take his kids to Disneyland...
...when he goes to tell them about it, his son says "Thank you so much, daddy! When are we going?"
"Well, whenever we save up enough to come back."
My girlfriend told me to roleplay as her daddy. So I left her.
Why are Catholic priests called Father? Because "Daddy" would be too obvious.
Did you hear about the new facility that opened in Indiana specialing in paternity tests? It's called "Hoosier Daddy?"
I walked to this girl and said " who is your daddy? " She started crying and now I'm banned from visiting orphanage.
I was having breakfast with my girlfriend and her father
When she says ,” Could you pass the salt ,daddy.”
How was I supposed to know she wasn’t talking to me?
I can't wait to become a Catholic priest For the first time a girl can call me her daddy
A dad was playing with his kids one day
And he said: "You're so adorable I could eat you kids all up!"
One of the children ask: "Daddy, what do we taste like?"
And the dad replies: "When you're older, ask your mother."
What do you call your tall husband? A daddy long legs
Why is Invanka's neck so long? So she could peek out of her crib and see when daddy's coming
Recently came across this, entirely possible it’s been on here before.
There was a 5 year old girl crying by herself.
“Are you ok?” I asked her, “do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No,” she responded.
I love volunteering for the orphanage.
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
Why do you refer to a priest as "father"? Because "daddy" is considered childish.
A woman walks in confession and says “Daddy, I’ve been reallyyy bad” The priest replies: “For the last time, it’s Father, for I have sinned”
Mommy, why am I asian when daddy is black and you are white? With how that night went just be thankful you are not barking
Tonight I'm gonna watch some movies...
I'll start with Big Daddy,
Then watch 50 First Dates,
And end the night with Billy Madison.
I call it - the Adam Sampler.
Me and my wife dressed up as a nun and priest for Halloween.
Told her she usually calls me daddy.
But tonight she'll call me father.
Son says to father
“Daddy i don’t need glasses when I’m near you.”
“When I’m with you, I have super-vision.”
Why do you call a priest Father? Because it'd be too obvious if you called him daddy.
Daddy why do I keep walking in circles? Dad: Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor
How come there's no "Yo Daddy" jokes? Because yo daddy tells them all.
Why some of your hairs have turned white?
Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."
A tomato family is walking down the road... when baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, "Ketchup!"
Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands.
" Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?
" First: "Yes, of course.
" Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."
Why do you refer to a priest as "Father"? He stopped wanting you to call him daddy after you turned 10.
2 year old Daughter: Daddy I have good news and bad news.
Me: what's the good news?
Daughter: there is no bad news!
Me: then what's the bad news?
Daughter: there is no good news.
Instead of a baby gender reveal party, some people.... .... should have a "baby daddy" reveal party.
Your family is so poor... That your daddy is the D.J. for the ice cream truck.
Yo momma so ugly... The only reason your daddy eats chicken is cause it has less hair and bigger breast than yo momma.
“Mom, is it true I was brought by a stork?”
“Yes darling, that’s right!”
“Oh, so daddy is an impotent?”
Why do I only date orphans? They never have daddy issues.
I make my girlfriend call me Daddy in bed Because nobody F's ya harder than Father Time.
What did the baby corn say to the daddy corn? Popcorn!
A mommy, daddy, and baby tomato
A family of tomatoes are having a stroll through the park. The baby tomato starts to lag behind however, so the daddy tomato turns and yells.
"Daddy Daddy, what's a trans?" "Ask your mommy, he knows."
So, dad takes his son deep into the woods... and they walk for a while as it gets darker and darker. Son tugs on his dad's shirt and says "Daddy, I'm scared..." dad looks down at him and replies "You're scared? I have to walk back by myself."
Daughter went to dad crying
Daughter: Dad, I'm pregnant. My boyfriend is the father
Dad: Did he do it against your will ?
Daughter: No daddy! He did it against the wall
A little black Jewish boy says to his daddy, "Dad am I more black or Jewish?"
"Why do you ask?", says the Dad.
The boy says, "Well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100 or just steal it."
"Daddy i don't want to go to europe" "Shut up and swim"
I told my father in law we have something in common.
"Your daughter calls me Daddy too."
I was at dinner with my girlfriends family
She said "Pass the salt, daddy".
It got really awkward when her father and I both reached for it...
We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said… "Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."
A Daddy tomato and a Baby tomato were walking down the street...
...when all of a sudden, Baby tomato started to fall behind, so Daddy tomato turned to Baby tomato and said "Ketchup!"
(I'm really sorry)
Who's your daddy ?
"Daddy pass me the salt please" said the girl innocently.
The scene became tensed when the boyfriend and her dad both reached for the salt.
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck , just say daddy!
Baby: F*ck, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?
It's for a wedding son.
I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.
An ISIS member's son once said: "My daddy was a suicide bomber..." "...I wanna be just like him when I blow up."
"Daddy are you okay? Are you okay Daddy?" Dad: "No Hungry, I'm just Dad".
Daddy, I love you sooooooo much! "Hey, until we get that DNA test, I am Steven to you"
An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."
Roses are red, Violets are blue WHO IS YOUR DADDY AND WHAT DOES HE DO?!?!
I visited my new girlfriend's parents for the first time.
"I hope we can find lots of things we have in common," her father told me.
"I know we already have one thing in common."
"What's that?" He asked.
"Your daughter calls us both Daddy."
A Girl called me Daddy last night... So I told her I was going out to buy cigarettes and never came back.
Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO?
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.
Two hillbilly sisters are fighting about who is better
They ask their dad.
"Daddy who's your favorite daughter?"
The father looks at both of them, "Your mother."
Forest Gump ruined dating for me... He was a war hero, Olympian, and millionaire but the best he could settle down with was a druggie burnout with AIDS and daddy issues
What Did Big Nacho Say To Little Nacho? I'm Nacho Daddy.
On the Bus
Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."
Jimmy leaves for school today! The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Gift before the Prom
"I'm ready for my first prom daddy"
"Here, take this box son... And don't make the mistake I made"
"Whats in the box dad"
Little Johny in School :D The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Jimmy teacher and p*ssy The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!