Daddy Jokes

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Funniest Daddy Jokes

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up! Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

Does God use our bathroom A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"


The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"


The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

Funny Daddy Jokes

Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

A boy asks his mom, “When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?” Mom: Daddy doesn’t have two penises son

Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth!

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do." "Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

Why was the Egyptian kid confused? Because his daddy was a mummy

What children think The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear "Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

Mommy, why is daddy bald? "Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

Dad how are babies made? Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Poor kid...:( The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

I got kicked out of a church confessional today. Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is Glucose Guardian.

A little girl asked her dad where babies come from. Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."

Little girl: "Does she swallow the seed?"

Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."

Jimmy Answer to his Teacher The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A son and dad are driving "Daddy what's an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those 4 cars? and alcoholic would see 8."

"But daddy there's only 2"

What do you call a sugar daddy that you're only friends with? A paypal

Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

A little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Grampa, make a noise like a frog." Grampa asks, "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?" The little girl responds, "Cause Daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home????? Wheres popcorn.

Sorry for the corny joke.

Jimmy And His Cat The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

On the Bus Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."

I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone. “Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”

“No” she sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

A visit to the zoo. Mother: Did you enjoy your visit to the zoo with Daddy today?

6-year-old: Yes and so did Daddy. Especially when one of the animals came in at 20-1.

Your mama is so fat….. Your daddy proposed to her with an onion ring.

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper... I can do it with my eyes closed..

Why do you refer to a priest as "Father"? He stopped wanting you to call him daddy after you turned 10.

Why was the Egyptian boy confused? Because his daddy was a mummy

Girl: Daddy, how are babies made? Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mommy's tummy.
Girl: Does she swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes.

Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO? Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other? Papaya

Why is your cat at school? The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Teacher to a 4 Year old kid: What's your Mom's name? Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time....

Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then?

Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

What does your baby daddy have in common with an unlucky gambler? Neither of them pulled out in time.

The teacher asked Jimmy The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A Girl called me Daddy last night... So I told her I was going out to buy cigarettes and never came back.

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New Daddy Jokes

"I want my future kids to think 'wow mommy and daddy are really in love' " So you want them to be delusional?

English: ok daddy Korean: k pop

People keep telling me I have daddy issues I don't even know my daddy

When I was born, my mother called me the apple of her eye. Looks like daddy was a doctor

Lame joke Egyptian babies donno that one day their daddy is going to become mummy.

Daddy how do stars die? Drugs mostly

A Daughter Melon and a Daddy Melon Are Having a Heart To Heart... The daughter melon says "But daddy I love him! We're getting married!"

The daddy melon replies "Alright fine. But you can't elope!"

A little girl crying goes to see her dad - Daddy ! Everyone one at school is making fun of me because of my big mouth !
Her dad: Don’t worry, it’s nothing ! Now take your shovel and eat your soup !

A kid with a swollen cheek walks into a hospital A doctor rushes to it: "You Ok lad? What happened?"
"Well... There was this bee... and... it landed on my cheek and... and..."
"Did it sting you?"
"No, daddy killed it with a shovel"

I can't wait to become a Catholic priest For the first time a girl can call me her daddy

A kid asks their Mom why they exist “Mommy why did you and Daddy have me?“

And the Mom replies “Daddy doesn’t like using single use plastics.”

What do you call a sugar daddy that’s just a friend? A PayPal.

I’m so tired of yo mama jokes... ...So I decided to focus on yo daddy instead.
Yo daddy’s so stupid. So stupid he married yo mama.

What do you call a daddy that used to be a mommy? Transparent

In breaking news.... Lawyers have confirmed that Trick Daddy will submit the lyrics of "Bricks & Marijuana" as his written testimony

Yo Momma so ugly... Yo Daddy takes her everywhere he goes, so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye

Yo Daddy so dumb.... He downloaded Tinder to buy firewood

And Grindr for the woodchipper

How do you make a nun pregnant? Well, if you don't know then maybe it's time mommy & daddy had the talk with you!

Was your daddy a carpenter? Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

Why did the mommy ghost get a restraining order against daddy ghost? Daddy ghost is a-boo-sive

Why did your grandpa cross the road? Cause my grand daddy pulled his chain.

Why did the daddy cross the road? We don't know, he didn't come back to let us know why...

A stressed-looking mom and little Johnny run around the beach. After about fifteen minutes the mom stops, out of breath and demands, „Come on Johnny, please remember where you buried daddy in the sand, will you?“

So, there's a Mommy particle, a Daddy particle, and a Baby particle... ...and they all came together.

Not my best physics joke, but hey it's a big universe-- I have a lot of material to work with.

What do you blow to make your wishes come true? A sugar daddy

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair? Meals on wheels

How the daddy long leg got it's name... Scientists: *find a new species of spider*
Scientist 1: let's name it long leg for it's long legs.
Scientist 2: hmmm... not kinky enough...

A young couple consults Jerry Springer to confirm the baby daddy is the real farther. DNA reaults:

The good news is... you *are* the father.

The bad news is... you *are also* the uncle.

Daddy tomato mommy tomato and baby tomato are walking down the street. Suddenly , daddy tomato noticed that baby tomato was lagging behind, So he stepped on him and said:"KETCHUP!"

What do you call your tall husband? A daddy long legs

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

Your mamma's so old... she met your new step daddy on a carbon dating site! :0

Why do you call a priest ”father” Because daddy would be too obvious

Why is the priest called Father? Because daddy would be too obvious

I admit I have daddy issues. But I'm sure they'll abandon me any day now.

I got kick out of a confessional today at church. Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

Why are priests called father? Because it’s too suspicious to call them daddy

Do you know why catholic priests are called Father? Cause daddy would be too suspicious

"Mommy, mommy! Why is Daddy all blue?" "Shut up, and keep digging!"

When your sister says daddy pass the salt... ...and you, your dad, her boyfriend, your uncle, and your cousin all grab the salt.

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Long Daddy Jokes

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

"My Daddy Plays Piano in a Whorehouse"

Mrs. Jacobson, a prim and proper, straightlaced lady, is a teacher of Grade Four students. One of the lessons is about the types of different jobs adults have...sort of a "what do you want to be when you grow up" type of lesson.

Part of it was asking the students what their parents do for a living.

"Sally, what does you father do?"

Sally proudly answers, "My Daddy is a Real Estate agent, and he helps people sell the house they own now, and buy a better house."

"Very good, Sally," replies Mrs Jacobson. "Jimmy, how about you? What does your father do?"

Jimmy smiles and says, "He works in a laboratory in a hospital and helps the doctors find out exactly how people are sick, so the doctors can help them get better."

Johnny has been sitting at his desk, shoulders slumped and staring down. He's asked, but mumbles something incoherent.

"I'm sorry, Johnny, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?"

Johnny blurts out, "I said 'My Daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!'"

Mrs. Jacobson turns white as a sheet, and the whole class goes silent. She marches up to Johnny's desk, rips a piece of paper from his notebook, and scribbles a few lines.

Folding it, she hands it to Johnny, and firmly commands, "Young man, you take this note down to the Principal's Office right this minute. Go straight there, and you tell him that I sent you." She walks briskly to the door and opens it, glaring at Johnny as he meekly walks past her into the hallway.

He enters the Office, and one of the secretaries asks why he's at the office. "Mrs. Jacobson sent me," and hands over the note. The secretary reads it, gasps, and takes it into the Principal's office. She comes back and says, "The Principal wishes to see you in his office, *right now*."

Johnny walks into the office, and the Principal tells him to close the door, and take a seat. There is an awkward few moments of silence, as the Principal looks at Johnny, then at the note, then back at Johnny.

The principal asks, "Johnny, your father doesn't really play piano in a whorehouse, does he?"

"No, Sir." Johnny admits. "He plays defense for the Cleveland Browns, but there's no way I'm telling them THAT."

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher.

“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims…

"Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"

The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.

So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says;
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.

That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.

The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.

"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,

"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"

A black kid pulls the flour over his head.

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"

Daddy calls home in the middle of a work day

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Philip."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an uncle Philip."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then honey, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about uncle Philip?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***



"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

​

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do"

​

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

​

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

​

The next day the grandmother died.

​

"Holy \*\*\*\*" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

​

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

​

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

​

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

​

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

​

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

​

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

My daughter caught my wife cheating on me..

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "but honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled up."

"Okay, Daddy just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."

"Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!

**Real long pause**

Then daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?"

"God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.

The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died.

Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack.

He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.

He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home.

He was still alive!

When he got home he appologised to his wife.

"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,

"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he says , “I know the whole truth”.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father”.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth”.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother”.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next morning when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, smiles and says :

“Really!? Then come give your real Daddy a big hug!”

Daddy's Call

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"

Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.

"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.

"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.

"And why are you a Sanders fan?"

"Because mommy and daddy are"

"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked

"A Trump fan"

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