Hilarious Egg Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Egg Jokes

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today I'll let you know.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....... I will keep you posted.

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

Went out last night dressed as a chicken and got with a girl dressed as an egg A life long question was answered. It was the chicken

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken. I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg? Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

The egg said to the pot of boiling water.... It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick.

What is the difference between an egg and a redditor? Eggs get laid at least once.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

Chicken and an egg A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it? By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.

I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon I'll let you know

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon.... I want to see which one comes first.

How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it? Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three? Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

Just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon I’ll let you know

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Not sure I can get hard..just got laid 10 minutes ago"

What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water? It’s going to take a while to get me hard. I just got layed by some chick.

I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know.

Why do you only need one egg in France? Because one egg is un oeuf.

What did they egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard. I just got laid.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh. I’ll let you know.

Why don’t French people order 2 eggs in a restaurant? Because one egg is un oeuf.

I went to a party dressed as an egg and I hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.
I guess we have an answer to that age old question.
It was the chicken.

I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet One egg a month

What did the egg say to the boiling water? You expect me to get hard so fast, I just got laid!

I came up with this when I was three years old. What do you call an egg that's scared?

A chicken egg.

New Egg Jokes

Why did the egg get laid? Because it chickened out.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

Which came first, the chicken or the egg Well since there is an egg, the rooster did

What did the egg say after smoking a joint? Omlit

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached. She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

What do you call an egg that sings? Karayolke

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette. "Well," says the egg, "I guess that answers that question".

What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid.

Have you ever had a French omelette? They think one egg is “un oeuf”

Today, I ordered an egg and a chicken off of Amazon I'll let y'all know which one comes first

Why do the French only ever eat one egg? Because one egg is un oeuf.

what came first the ckicken or the egg the dinosaur

What do you call a rooster who's abusive to his kids? An egg beater

"Mom, I think my egg isn't well." "Shut up and keep eating!" "Mom, do I have to eat the beak too?"

If you had a Fried Egg for breakfast yesterday, what should you have today? A Sattered Egg.

I bet a lot of people are going to be born Jan 12th. Since everyone is egg hunting right now

What did the egg say to the boiling water? Alright, but it’s gonna take me a while to get hard I just got laid!

Do to covid-19 the format of this year's Easter egg hunt has changed. Instead of trying to find eggs in a garden, everyone will be trying to find eggs in a grocery store.

I love egg and chicken jokes! ... Or are they chicken and egg jokes??

What’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot ? You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root.

Why do french people only eat one egg at breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf

What's the difference between an incel and an egg? An egg gets laid.

What do you call an abusive chicken? An egg beater

What do you call an egg with a genetic mutation? New Yoke State

I ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon yesterday I’ll let you know

Two sperm are racing to fertilize the egg One says, “this is taking forever are we close?”

The other says, “I don’t think so, we just passed the esophagus.”

Why do the French have small breakfasts ? Because one egg is un oeuf.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg online I'll let you know

So the chicken and the egg are lying in bed together. The chicken leans back and lights a cigarette and says “well, that answers that question.”

Why do the French eat small breakfasts? Because one egg is un oeuf.

A lot of people think an egg is a chicken fetus But actually, that’s a common missed conception

Why can't a Frenchman eat more than one egg? One egg is un oeuf.

What’s the difference between a child and an omelette? Only one is made with a fertilized egg

I'll let you know! I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon, I'll let you know.

What car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I once temporarily forgot how to open an egg Then I cracked it.

A man and his wife enter a cafe The man says "Morning, what've you got?"

Well, there's egg and bacon, egg, sausage and bacon, and the mods have removed this sketch for breaking rule 3.

My chocolate egg had special inner foil, and a grand prize inside: on-set passes to the filming of Multiverse of Madness! Thanks for the Strange, gold Kinder!

What did the meditating egg say? Ohmmmmmmmmmlet

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"

...

I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"

Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it."

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"

V: "Sure, go ahead."

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"

She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out.

And that's the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” ..." St. Peter said, “ Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”

Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.

Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!

Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

I'm a little drunk right now. But I thought you guys would appreciate this joke I heard when I was a young guy.

There was a man that loved baked beans, but they always gave him horrible gas. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and they eventually married.

A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
He figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg left out in the sun for a week. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like the hammer of Thor crashing to Earth and smelled like a corpse in a outhouse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table started to wilt.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinner."

The man replies "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

Fifth grade class Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the car. We stopped suddenly and the basket went flying and the eggs all broke and made a mess"
"What's the moral of the story?", asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket", replied Ashley.
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Susan raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to
this story is don't count your chickens before they hatch."
"That was a fine story Susan," said the teacher.

Then the teacher turned her attention to Bobby.

"Do you have a story, Bobby?"
"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She parachuted out and all she had with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with
the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then killed 20 more with the
machete until the blade broke and THEN she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!"
"Good lord!" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that story?"

Stay the f*** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is, we'll have a competition. The winner keeps the egg". The English farmer - convinced he's the strongest - wants to know more. The Irish farmer says "We'll kick each other in the balls as hard as we can, and whoever is standing at the end gets to keep the egg". The English farmer is a bit perplexed, but accepts - because he knows he's absolutely going to win. The Irish farmer says "I'll go first".

He takes 5 steps back, gets a running start and kicks the English farmer so hard he falls to the ground screaming in agony for 5 minutes. When he gets back up, the English farmer with tears in his eyes says "My turn, I'll show you what a REAL kick in the balls feels like".

And the Irish farmer smiles, winks, and says "You're alright, it's only an egg. Keep it".

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna." The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham." The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."

There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."

"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"

"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."

An Englishman and a Scotsman...

An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: ''What are you doing with my egg?'' The Englishman replies ''It's in my yard, so it's mine!'' The Scotsman says: ''But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we're never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?'' ''How?'', asks the Englishman. ''It's simple, really. First, I'll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.'' The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman's legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: ''Alright, now it's my turn.'' He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. ''You know what? I think I'll just have cereal for breakfast today.''

Doug comes home very drunk one night...

He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell you that you are dead. You died of alcohol poisoning."

Doug is upset, scared, saddened, everything all at once. "Dead? I never even got to say goodbye to my wife!"

The angel looks at him and tells him, "Well, I guess the good news is that we aren't taking you to heaven, as that doesn't actually exist. We just do reincarnation based off of the merits of your past life. After viewing your past deeds, you can choose to be reincarnated as a hen or a deer."

Doug thinks it over a moment and realizes that there is a chicken farm up the street. He may have a shot at seeing his wife again if he is a chicken. "I will be a hen," he says, and with the snap of the angel's fingers, Doug is a Hen. It is daylight, Doug is outside marveling at the world around him. He looks at his new wings and feet, amazed at the transformation.

As Doug is standing there, starting to figure out how to peck the grass to get food, the rooster shows up. "Hey, you are new here aren't you?" the rooster asks.

"Yes. I am new here still figuring out this whole hen thing." Doug replied.

"Have you laid an egg yet? That is basically all you need to do if you want to stay alive here."

"I don't know how."

"Well just relax. If you relax, you will just lay an egg like it is no problem at all."

Doug relaxes and concentrates. All of a sudden he feels something stirring within him. He relaxes even more and *pop*! Out comes his first egg. Doug is overwhelmed with feelings of love at having laid his first egg. He thinks that this is what mother's must feel, and it is amazing. He starts feeling another stirring, and *pop*! Out comes the second egg. Doug starts tearing up and crying because of his accomplishments. He starts feeling the stirrings of motherhood a third time and feels a huge SMACK on the back of his head.

Shirley yells, "DOUG! WAKE UP! YOU'RE SHITTING THE BED AGAIN!"

A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave

A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave. The barber gives him a small wooden egg and tells him to put it under his cheek to help with the shave.

The man is skeptical at first but he inserts it into his mouth and sure enough, the shave is done beautifully with no nicks or scratches. The man, thrilled at this discovery says, "This thing it's great! Tell me, what happens if I swallow it by accident?"

The barber just smiles and says, "In that case, you just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Egg timer

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to investigate into this phenomenon further.

He decides to put the eggs through three tests to see if they remain similar all the time. For the first test, he takes twenty of the eggs and smashes them over a brick with his hands. Joe checks the interior of the shell, and each one is different in some way, in most occasions due to the thickness of the shell. He makes his observations: “sadly the shells on the brick were different.”

The second and third tests consist of cooking tests in different environments. For the second test, Joe hires out a private jet, takes twenty more eggs, then flies up above the clouds and sets about making scrambled eggs whilst the plane is on autopilot. He mashes the eggs up and makes a mean plate of scrambled eggs, but once more the eggs are all different. Feeling downbeat and hoping for maybe one positive result, he makes his observations: “the scrambled eggs on the plane were different.”

For the final test, Joe goes out of his way to prove his theory. This time he hires out an old navy submarine to do his experiment in, complete with a fully functioning team of crew. Impatient and desperate, he grabs twenty more eggs and hurried aboard.

As the crew get them deeper under the water and the light outside fades, Joe sets about frying his eggs. All of them are going smoothly except for one, which is rocking slightly. At first Joe thinks nothing of it, but as the vessel gets into deeper depths and the cooking continues, the egg rocks more and more violently until it bursts and yolk spurts everywhere! Joe watches in astonishment as it shrinks and bubbles on the stove... next to nineteen perfectly similar yellow mounds.

“It can’t be!” Joe shouts to himself as he studies the eggs in more detail. Every single one is the same in every aspect, albeit the bursting egg. In his frenzied excitement, he is able to make one final observation whilst clutching the egg that burst from within its mother: “all the yolks on this sub are the same, but this one is original!”

Egg Jokes