Canadian Jokes

Contents

Funniest Canadian Jokes

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

Funny Canadian Jokes

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name. Is this Trudeau?

Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister. It's Trudeau.

I just passed by Canadian citizenship test! I got an eh +

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym. After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan? You take away their brooms.

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons? Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus.

How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.

How can you spot a Canadian They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM

Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie. American: Sure. How about The Titanic?

Canadian: What’s that about?

American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

Testing the dog's IQ A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is definitely smarter than you.

Why do Canadian couples like to do it doggie style? So they can both watch the hockey game!

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey. I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

Canadian summer I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"

He said "No! I was working that day."

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback. I'll let myself out.

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins... ...but Asian singles are in my area.

What's the difference between imitation bread and the Canadian prime minister? One is fake dough, the other is Trudeau.

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person. Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

A baby seal walks into a bar... ... and says,"I'll have anything but a Canadian Club."

What's a baby seals' least favourite drink? Canadian Club on the Rocks

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? Take away the tiny broom.

A Canadian walks into a bar A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.

My Canadian friend did really well on an exam He got an Eh

Canadian Joke: How was Terry Fox like Hitler? He couldn't finish a race either.

An american and Canadian are having a conversation The american asks: “Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?”

The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
“I’m sorry, I don’t know”

What do you call a Canadian prostitute? A leaf blower

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot? Sorry

Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.

Heard this while at a Canadian airport. Lady: We're going to the states for a few days.

Oldman: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Lady: Why not?

Oldman: It's full of Americans.

Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because why emcee, eh?

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person. But it's Trudeau.

A seal walks into a bar A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Canadian and a American watching a movie Canadian: Lets watch a movie.

American: Have you seen Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank.

Did you hear that Donald Trump claimed the Canadian Prime Minister uttered a falsehood? It was Trudeau

How do you sink a Canadian submarine? You knock on the door and they will open it and invite you in for a beer

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New Canadian Jokes

What did the Canadian boy get on his report card? An Eh+

I tried to translate a joke from Canadian Did you hear about the war between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland?. ? The newfies were throwing grenades the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back

Canadian joke my dad used to tell me, wanted to see if it translates well... Phillip: What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?

Terrance: I don't know Phillip

Phillip: *Farts*

A Canadian walks into a bar A Canadian walks into a bar and sees two large ladies. He asks, "are you two ladies from Scotland?"
The ladies, furious, reply, "Wales! Wales!"
The man turns back, "I apologise. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Canadian joke eh! Why did the Northwest Territories split?

They were halving Nunavut.

Canadian Gunslingers Why were there no gunslingers in the Canadian Old West?

I don't know but it couldn't of been because of their mittens.

Trump blames the Canadian PM sometimes But it’s not always Trudeau

Canadian Alphabet EH B C D E EHF G EH I JEH K L M N O P Q R SORRY T U V W X Y-EH Z

A work buddy of mine A work buddy of mine is Canadian and he told me This joke that I found pretty funny. I am American.

"There are only two things Canadians are proud of. That they're Canadian. And that they aren't American"

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm? A Jurassic Parka

Why did the chicken cross the garden? To get to the Canadian side.

Please come north, we have poutine

What do you call a Canadian who puts away their winter clothes in May? An optimist.

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero. Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

Which Canadian artist threw mustard at the ceiling? Ceiling Dijon

A guy enters a bank and shouts "The money or else I'll tear down my mask!" The teller says: "You prefer Canadian dollar, right?"

After the American lost both of his shoes in the mud, he asked the Canadian if the Mexican lost any footwear in the muck. The Canadian replied, "Just about."

Told my Canadian friend my Alcoholics Anonymous teacher gave my homework an A "You got an AA A, eh?"

I failed my test on Canadian Geography today I knew Nunavut

A baby seal walks into a bar The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

Some people say I speak very Canadian But I'm only half Canadian E

2 blind Mexicans walk into a bar, But ran into a wall trying to escape after a Canadian asked for ICE...

I have different nationalities... I'm American by birth, Canadian by adoption and Scotch by absorption.

Just got the results back from my Canadian citizens test. I got an eh.

The Only Canadian Province/Territory to Not Have Covid-19 is Nunavut I suppose you can say they have none of it...

Canadian Logic If I can hit you with a Hockey Stick...(And I will) You're too close.

\#covid-19

Canadian and Chinese man get into a car crash Chinese man knows very little English.

Chinese man: I am sorry

Canadian: I am sorry too

Chinese man: I am sorry three

Canadian: What are you sorry for?

Chinese man: I am sorry five

I asked my Canadian friend what he thought was different between a Canadian and American education: The education is much better in Canada because everyone gets straight EHs.

You wouldn't think that the Canadian prime minister's wife could get the coronavirus... It's Trudeau.

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars? Pal-poutine

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Sorry, I'll get my coat.

A Canadian tells an American he's spelling everything wrong. The American responds: no u

My doctor said the reason why I am sorry and then mad all the time is because I am bipolar I told him no, it's because I'm half Italian and half Canadian

What do French Canadian Pirates love to drink? Parry Aye!

What's the difference between Influenza and influenza A? An american and a canadian doctor.

I heard Nintendo is making a pop-up shop for legitimate merchandise of that plumber character. It's going to be in Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver. They're calling it the Real Canadian Super Store.

A baby seal walks into a bar.... Says I'll have a whiskey.

Bartender says what kind?

Baby seal says anything other than a Canadian Club.

What did the Canadian chicken farmer ask Dr. Phil? You're looking for a chick, Phil, eh?

What do you call a Canadian redditors best friend Snowbody

A Canadian buys a walk-in freezer His neighbor asks him: "Why do you need a freezer when it's so cold outside?"

He replies: "To have a warm place inside the house. It's -30 outside and -10 in the freezer."

I started a fight with 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11. The police have identified me as the *prime suspect*.



I'm not Canadian but I'm already sorry for posting this.

I just realized if you rearrange the letters in Hola, you get Aloha. It's because I'm Canadian and automatically add an eh.

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Long Canadian Jokes

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." says Kristen

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.

'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.

Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.

'Gambling' she muttered.

'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.

'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'

'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'

'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.

'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'

'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'

'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.

That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.

The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.

'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'

The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!

That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.

'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'

'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "you will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire", the Canadian nods. Then he points to the Japanese and says: "you will be in charge of supplies.", the Japanese nods. "And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset". They agreed and went off their own ways. By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is no where to be found. After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPRISE!!!"

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a
passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!"

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!!!!

Marrying a Canadian woman

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

Everything is bigger in Texas

A guy in Canada hears the saying' "Everything is bigger in Texas" and decides to drive down there and find out if it's true. He takes the first exit he finds after crossing the border and goes inside the nearest fast food restaurant. He orders a small French fries and small cola. The cashier hands him a 64 oz. bladder buster full of cola and an entire tray piled high with French fries. The Canadian says, "But I order a small fries and drink!" The cashier replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian drives on down the road a little further until he is tired and finds a hotel. He decides to go visit the hotel bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a giant beer mug full of whiskey. The Canadian says, "But I only ordered a shot of whiskey!" The bartender replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian dutifully begins drinking the mug of whiskey and consequently becoming extraordinarily drunk. Eventually nature calls and the Canadian sloppily asks the bartender, "Where doooooouh Iaaahh find the bafroom?" The bartender says, "Go through that door. Take a left and two rights and you'll be right there." However, the Canadian being impaired, takes a right and two left turns and wanders into the pool area where he accidentally falls into the water. He bursts to the surface yelling with panic, "Don't flush! don't flush!"

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Canadian Blonde Joke.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A man lives in a border town between the US and Canada

He lives on the Canadian side, but works in construction on the US side. Every morning, he walks over to the American side, and every evening, he comes back over to the Canadian side with a wheelbarrow full of sand. And, every day without fail, the Canadian Customs officers check him for any contraband he might try to smuggle in.

For 20 years, the man works nearly every day for the construction company, and every day customs checks the sand in the wheelbarrow, trying to find hidden goods. They sift through the sand, dig in around it, but find nothing. As the years go on, they try to be more clever. They x-ray the wheelbarrow, run tests on the sand, check inside the wheels and axles - whatever they can possibly think of. In desperation, they even strip search the man a few times and run cavity checks. Year after year, they find nothing.

Finally, 20 years later, the man is old and set to retire. On the day of his retirement, he once again pushes a wheelbarrow full of sand across the border. The customs officers stop him and ask point-blank, "Look, we know you've been smuggling something across the border all these years. You have to be. But we've searched through your sand every day for twenty years, and we've found absolutely nothing. It's killing us - please, we'll give you a free pass, wipe away any past crimes, if you just tell us what it is you've been smuggling all these years!"

The old man raised a confused eyebrow and said, "Really? I thought it was obvious, I've been smuggling wheelbarrows."

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls. The representatives notice that there are only four parachutes for the five of them. Wasting no time, the Englishman snatches one up and heads for the exit.

"My glorious country is an age-old kingdom that spans the entire globe," he says. "We are a superior people, therefore I must live. God bless the Queen!"

Following suit, the Japanese representative says,

"My country is the most technologically advanced, and besides, has a population problem. I'm the most valuable person here, therefore I must live!" He jumps out the airplane with a parachute.

As the airplane begins to shake lightly, the American yanks a parachute up, and proclaims as he puts it on,

"My nation is the smartest on Earth, and I'm the most intelligent person on this airplane. Therefore I must live!"

Only the Canadian and Russian are left in the passengers area. Without a word the Russian representative walks over, and hands his parachute to the Canadian. Startled, the Canadian grabs the parachute, saying,

"How valiant of you! I accept, but tell me, why are you willing to sacrifice yourself for me?"

Smirking, the Russian replies,

"That's not the last parachute. The most intelligent one jumped with a sleeping bag!"

The difference if you marry a Canadian girl...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What’s the WiFi password?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Okay, here you go. What’s the WiFi password?

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

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