Pirate Jokes

Contents

Funniest Pirate Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

​

*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate? A small chest with no booty.

Funny Pirate Jokes

What do you call a communist pirate ship? The USS-ARRR

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced? A buccaneer :D

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Ay matey.

A pirate goes to the doctor A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C!



[ I'm^so^sorry ]

A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"

"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised

"Because it's holding me back!"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
(Saying it out loud might help)

How does a pirate greet a sea monster? What's Kraken?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

A pirate goes to a doctor worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

A pirate walks into a bar... ...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate looks down and says, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"

The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes. "What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

Pirate :"I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!" The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign."

Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two" "Aye aye! " responds the first mate

What did pirate say when he turned 80? AYE MATEY

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buckeneer

pirate joke I saw a pirate walking down the street and he had a paper towel on his head so I said "what's with the paper towel." he said "arrgh got a Bounty on me head."

What did the pirate name his pet clam? Michelle

What kind of music does a pirate like? Arrr'n'B

What direction did the pirate go to get his bread?? Yeast!!

Why Couldn't The Teenage Pirate See The Movie? Because he didn’t have VLC Player and the movie he downloaded was .AVI format, a format which Quicktime does not support!

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink. Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.

The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

The Pirate and the alphabet Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

Why did the pirate go out of business? He didn’t know how to raise his sales

A pirate walks into a bar... And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

So, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to his crotch. Bartender: "You know you got a ship's steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

Pirate: "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

Did you hear about the pirate themed phone Apple have been designing? They’re gonna call it the ayePhone

What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? Arrr son!

New Pirate Jokes

How much did it cost the Pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear


... it was a real Barrrrgain..

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship? A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!


\*Walks away slowly\*

What military branch does a pirate join? The Arrrrrrrrmy

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet Because he spent years at C

What does a baby pirate wear? A diap-arrrrrrrr.

*Courtesy of my 4year old*

WHERE DOES A PIRATE KEEP HIS BUCCANEERS. under his bucking hat

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head... The bartender asks him why.

The pirate replies, "arrr, there be a Bounty on me head!"

A Pirate walks into a Bar Bartender asks "Why do you have a paper towel on your hat?"

Pirate says "Arrgh, there be a Bounty on me head."


^^^^Thanks ^^^^Alexa

What does a pirate do after a long days work? What does a pirate do after a long days work?
He has some Arr & Arr!

How much should a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer

What snack did the pirate bring to the Super Bowl party? Chips Ahoy

What makes a Pirate really angry? When you take away his P.

What did the pirate say when someone missed the joke? Arrrrr/woosh

A pirate awkwardly stumbles into a bar. Bartender: What's wrong?

Pirate: Aye, a scallywag shoved me boat's steering wheel down me pants and it's stuck there in me crotch!

Bartender: That sounds painful.

Pirate: Aye, it's a driving me nuts.

Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port

How did the pirate get the wenches attention? Yo ho!

A Pirate walks into a Doctors Surgery.. The Doctor says "Sir do you realise you have a ships steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"


The Pirate replies "Arr"

"It be driving me nuts"

What is the latest in Pirate technology? The I-patch

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”
Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”

If someone with a parrot and an eye patch carjacks me... can I call him “a pirate of the car I be in?”

A pirate walks into a bar... ...With a steering wheel between his legs

Bartender: what's with the steering wheel?

Pirate: yaarr, it's driving me nuts!

What do you call it when a pirate has chronic sleeping problems? Restless Peg Syndrome

How much did the pirate sell his corn for? A-buck-an-ear

When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate! Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

So a pirate walks into a bar And he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. The bartender asks what's up with the wheel so the pirate responds "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

Where does a pirate stay while on vacation? Arrbnb.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? >!Aye matey.!<

So, a pirate walks into a bar... ...with a ship's steering wheel attatched to his crotch. Bartender asks:

"You know you got a ship's steering wheel attatched to your crotch?"

Pirate says:

"Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

How does a pirate protect his booty? By arrming his alarrrm system!

My girlfriend is pirate thick That’s thiccccccc with the seven C’s

Are you a Pirate but afraid of Malware? Avast, ye scurvy dogs

What do you call a philosophical pirate Arrristotle

Where did the Pirate buy a new hook? At the second hand store!

Where do pirate captains keep their buccaneers? Under their buckin' hats.

How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears? A Buccaneer!

A Pirate walks into a bar... with a steering wheel in his pants.

Bartender: Hey pirate! You got a steering wheel in your pants!

Pirate: Arrrr! It's driving me nuts!!!!

Arrrrr A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

Bartender asked "why the paper towel on your head?"

Pirate says "Aaarrrr there be a bounty on me head"

How does a Pirate go on vacation? In his ARRRRRV.

A pirate walks into a bar... with steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asked: "isn't it annoying having that steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replied: "ARG! Drives me nuts!"

What's the worst part of being a pirate while in school? Getting your report card back to find the Seven Seas

Long Pirate Jokes

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree.

Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work.

Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. 

Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing.

Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? 

*"Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the *surprise mechanics*, and they be quite ethical.."*

A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg.


"Arrrr, it were me first day at sea. A great storm came and tossed me overboard. A great fish got me leg, and now I wear the peg"


The new pirate asked the captain how he acquired the hook.


"Arrr, it were me second day at sea. A great storm came and tossed me again! A great fish came and took me hand. Now I wear the hook"


The new pirate knew he was pushing his luck, but he couldn't stop now. He asked the captain how he got the eyepatch.


"Arrr, it were me third day at sea. A great bird flew overhead and shat in me eye."


The new pirate was confused. He asked "that's how you lost your eye?"


The captain said "No, but it were me first day with the hook!"

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".


Guy: "Great when can I use it?"


Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".


Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"


The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

A Pirate walks into a bar

(The funniest joke my friend told me, hope it hasn't been posted here before)

A Pirate enters a bar and goes to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender eyes the pirate and asks him how he ended up looking like that.

"Ah you must mean the peg-leg, me lad. 'Tis a fine tale where I fought the dreaded kraken in the Bermuda. It started dragging me under so I had to cut off me own leg with me cutlass."

The bartender shook his head, "No actually, I was wondering about-"

"Oh ho, so me eyepatch has caught your interest, has it? That was from a harrowing adventure where me and me crew took on the dreaded Blackbeard and made him scurry away with his tail between his legs. During that duel he took me eye out before running away."

The bartender shook his head again, "Those are some really interesting stories but what's got my attention the most is the steering wheel attached to your crotch."

The Pirate gets visibly upset and says to the bartender, "Arrr, why is that the only thing people ever ask me about any more, It's driving me nuts!"

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the pirate says with a toothy grin.

“Wooow!!! I’ve never met a real pirate before! Ok, ok, how did you get your peg leg?”

“Yar, I was thrown overboard in the Caribbean and a shark bit off me leg.”

“Jeepers!” the young boy exclaimed. “That’s amazing!How did you get your hook?”

“Yar, I was fightin’ buccaneers what was tryin’ ta take me ship, and one of ‘em chopped off me hand ‘fore I sent ‘im ta Davey Jones’ locker.”

“Oooooohhhh that’s so cool!” the young boy said. “How did you get your eyepatch?”

“Yar...well...a seagull pooped in me eye.”

The boy’s enthusiasm turned to confusion. “How in the world did that make you lose your eye?”

“Well...it was the first day with me hook.”

A pirate captain stands on the bow of his ship...

and he sees an enemy ship on the horizon. He calls to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt." A tremendous battle ensues in which the pirate captain is victorious. His curious first mate asks him "Captain, why did you wear your red shirt into battle?" To which the captain responds "Because that way if I were wounded the blood would not be noticeable and the men would fight on." The first mate was impressed, until the next day when the captain spotted ten enemy ships on the horizon and called to his first mate "Bring me my brown pants."

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked off the ship into shark infested waters and a great white bit my hand right off. I stabbed him with a harpoon after that though.

"That sounds terrible. What happened to your eye?"

"Arr, one day I was near port and a ton of seagulls were flying overhead. When I looked up into the sky, one of them pooped and it landed right in my eye."

"That's...really gross. But why would you lose your eye from that?"

"Arr, it was the first day with the hook."

A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wooden leg to replace me real one."

Man: "Is that how you lost your hand too?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when I was attacking another boat of pirates. The captain got me hand, but I got his boat. Now I have this hook to replace me real hand."

Man: "Did you lose your eye in that battle as well?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when a bird pooped in me eye and I tried to wipe it out. Twas the first day I had me hook."

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.”

The man goes “That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.”

The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.

The Captain says “arr, ‘twas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye”

The man says “and that’s how you lost your eye?”

The captain responds “no, but twas me first day with the hook”

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”

The Pirate Captain said.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”.

The boy finally asked.

“Why do you have a glass eye?”

The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied.

“A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”.

The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy.

“Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.

Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"

The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"

The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."

A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?

"Get me my brown pants!"

A pirate walks into a bar…

…and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!" says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them… arrgh, he, pooped in me eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"

"Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

A pirate walks into a bar...

Disclaimer: I heard this joke from a friend at work. I've no idea where he heard it or if he happened to make it up. If someone could provide a source, I'll gladly edit the post.

~

A pirate walks into the bar and the bartender just stares at him. There's a paper towel stuck to his forehead. The pirate walks up, slams his hand on the counter and exclaims, "I need some rum!"

Ignoring the paper towel for now, the bartender complies. After a few more rounds, the pirate's loud and obnoxious and having a great time in general.

At the request of the next round, the bartender complies once again, this time asking, "Alright, I just have to know. Are you aware there's a paper towel stuck to your forehead?"

The pirate nods and sigh dejectedly. "Aye, I've got a bounty on me head."

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells

"two enemy ships are approaching!"

"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.

One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.

"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"

So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.”

The man goes “That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.”

The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.

The Captain says “arr, ‘twas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye”

The man says “and that’s how you lost your eye?”

The captain responds “no, but twas me first day with the hook”.

The Captain

A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.

The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."