Japanese Jokes


Funniest Japanese Jokes

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!" Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?" "I am not Master Akira."

Funny Japanese Jokes

I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian.

I held a door for an elderly Japanese man. He said "Sank you."

Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?

What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

What do Japanese cannibals eat Rawmen

Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

What do you call a Japanese spice demon? Pepper-oni.

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man, “Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?” “I am not Master Akira.”

What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag? The French flag!

I get the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week... It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

How do you say 'what's up dawg ' in Japanese Konichihuahua

How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

What do you call a Japanese chicken that likes bondage? Hen-tie

Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it

How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food? Rawmen

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die. Cyan-aura.

What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.

What do you call a fantastic Japanese teacher? Sensei-tional

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five? ..Because Logan left him hanging.

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef? He spent his day cutting up vegetables

How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry? 10 tickles

I don't get why Japanese people and South Korean people just can't get along. I mean, they're all Chinese.

What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion? Ryan

I actually have a good Japanese joke. Anime'd it myself.

I mixed up the words "Jacuzzi" with "Yakuza"... ...Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Maybe every nation has ninjas And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst

What's the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What do you call a Japanese chihuahua? Konichihuahua

50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts... The other 50% drive Rincolns.

What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?


How can you tell the difference between Japanese people and other Asian people? Use a Geiger counter

*Credit: my friend who has a lot of dark humour

The Hardest Part About Breaking Up With A Japanese Girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello? Konichihuahua

Edit: I lost two followers after posting this

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New Japanese Jokes

Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up He always says, "It's itchy."

Did you hear about the Japanese comedian who wanted to be a soldier? His jokes didn't land

I keep getting the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia!

A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery. His dad replied, "No Knee"?

i keep confusing "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" and now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.

Why are all Japanese people skinny? Because the last time there was a fat man thousands died

Why are Japanese people so thin? Because last time there was a fat man, 80,000 people died.

This morning eleven naked Japanese men came into my room. Apparently it’s my bu-cake day or something?

I haven’t seen this one here before... What’s the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the hint.

What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire? Rawmen.

Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces They had to mask their presents

What do you say when you want to sit in the passenger seat of a Japanese car? I call shogun!

I used to make jokes about Japanese eggs But that was a long tamago

How do japanese chihuahuas say hi? Konichihuahua

How do Japanese bees greet each other? Wasabi

Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool I just love anime shins.

How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl giggle? Ten tickles

The Japanese were winning at at start of the war But they lost midway

Did you hear about the puzzle masters who tried to overthrow the Japanese government but were only partially successful? It was a pseudo coup

My brother was dating a Japanese woman for a while but was dumped today. You could say that he was disoriented

I got the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza muxed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

What's the difference between a Japanese kamazazi and a member of ISIS? One's a Zoomer, one's a Boomer.

Did you hear about the Japanese man who suffered burns trying to save a bar? He did it for his own Sake

Wise Master Akira A Japanese man asked his master:

"Master Akira, why does everybody think that we all look the same?"

And he answered:

"I am not Master Akira."

I got mixed up between the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Did you hear about the Japanese poet who smoked a boatload of opium and overthrew the shogun? They called it a high coup.

Why it is difficult to break-up with japanese people? Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand the message

A Japanese man walks into a bar and claims he is actually very irish. Bartender says, "oh! My daughter loves your music!"

Why did the Japanese man not get a high five Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

How does japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konichihuahua

I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up the other day Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag? Remove the dot.

There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing. He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

What do you call your Japanese Sister's daughter? A Japaneice

I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry... He lost his tempura

What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl? The breakup: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

I mixed up the word “Jacuzzi” with “Yakusa” Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused Now im in hot water with the japanese mafia

I got the words ”jacuzzi” and ”yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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Long Japanese Jokes

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'

It will be done, says the genie

The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'

It will be done, says the genie

The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear

'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'


Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."

***Sweet Jesús! My first gold post! Thank you so much!!!

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"

The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.

"Ah, Korean, Chinese, Japanese — you guys are all the same."

Looking not to argue, they part ways.

Later in the night, the Korean man walks up to the Jewish man, and punches him in the face as well.

"Okay, okay, I get it — that's fair. I punched you, you punched me, but what was that for?"

"That was for the titanic," says the Korean man.

"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."

"Yeah — Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg. You're all the same."

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "you will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire", the Canadian nods. Then he points to the Japanese and says: "you will be in charge of supplies.", the Japanese nods. "And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset". They agreed and went off their own ways. By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is no where to be found. After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPRISE!!!"

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed is forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand."

The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathrooms stall and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is recieving a fax!"

Dark jokes

1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is

2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing

4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society

5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians

6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet.

7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead

8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer

10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin

11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race

12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt

13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero

14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight

15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter

16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion

17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the"Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**


You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour


You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk


You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk


You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you


You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away


You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy

You sell them and retire on the income


You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.


You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.


You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.


You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.


You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.


You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.


You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


You have two cows.

You worship them.


You have two cows.

Both are mad.


Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!’

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."

The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.

After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"...

An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?"
"Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed."
"Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fluctu-Americans, too!"

Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.

The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Japanese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman says to the Italian "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Asian "You're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while." Later when the foreman returns he sees Nothing's done. He says to the Italian "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" "I no gotta broom. You tella da guy he inna charge of a supplies, but he go an I could no finda him!" Then asks the Scot "Didn't I tell you to shovel?" "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. I canna find where the supplies man is aboot!" The foreman is really angry now and storms off looking for the Asian. Just then the Japanese guy springs out and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

An American company and Japanese company decided to have a boat race

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss and corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that the American team had too many people steering and not enough rowing.

As race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide a work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

EDIT: They outsourced the rowing to China and gave the money they saved to the Clinton Campaign.

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.

So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.

"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.

"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.

"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that'.

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter to me: you're all alike!'

The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces 'I no rike Jews anyway' .

'Oh yeah, and why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot.

'You're nuts' exclaims the captain, 'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' , 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me...all bruddy same!!'

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