Ww2 Jokes

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Funniest Ww2 Jokes

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

Funny Ww2 Jokes

My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2 He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.

Selling a french WW2 rifle Never fired, only dropped once.

I have a French WW2 rifle for sale Never been fired, only dropped once.

My grandfather was responsible for the downing of over 30 enemy aircrafts during WW2 And still to this day, the Luftwaffe considers him the worst mechanic they've ever had.

So a French WW2 rifle came up for sale at an auction, the description read... French rifle, never used, dropped once.

Selling French WW2 Rifle in great condition. It has never been fired only dropped once.

What do you call a blind German man in ww2 A not see


(From my German dad)

Or would this be better in dad jokes

What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine? A not see you boat.

Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2 He never talks about it.

That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good... ...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

WW2 joke Germany: Do you like chicken?
England: No
Germany: Do you like curry?
England: No
Germany: Then you won't like what I did
England: Did you make curry chicken?
Germany: No I invaded Poland

Just finished watching WW2 in colour.. Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

My grandfather served in WW2 during the liberation of France One day I asked him “ Did you ever kill anybody?”.

He goes silent, looked me deep in the eyes and said “probably, I was the cook”

My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea? Sherman tanks!

WW2 Joke So, two Germans walk into a B.A.R

Polio is a lot like Japan in WW2 2 drops and you'll be able to get rid of it.

How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles? “Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines. Edit:Whoops, wrong sub.

French tanks in WW2 have special features They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

when two German agents walk into the pub in London during WW2 , and one of them said to the waiter:

\- Two martini please.

The waiter:

\- Dry?

\- Nein! Zwei!

Hitler was a pretty good leader He killed a dictator that killed and tortured millions of people that then ended WW2

What do you call a story about a WW2 shipyard? A riveting tale.

Japan was devastated when the US bombed them in WW2 But everything is Okay-nowa

In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project. I heard it was the bomb.

How do you call a german barber during ww2 Herr styler

"Show me your's and I'll show you mine"... She proceed's to take off her clothes... ...I proceed to show her my WW2 cr38 anti-personnel mine.

Grandpa story from WW2 A: Grandpa, tell me about WW2.

B: It was tough, SS captured us and gave us 2 choices. Rape or death.

A: What did they do to you?

B: They killed me.

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed german planes in Ww2 still to this date holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's 2017 WW2 beach epic... "No thanks, I've done Kirk"

I visited Japan during WW2 I had a blast...

What is the highest thing hitler achieved in WW2 His gas bill

my grandpa, a ww2 vet, returned from the war with one arm. we still don't know who's arm this is

Say what you want about WW2 But whoever killed Hitler is my hero.

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

My great grandfather fell in a battle during ww2 But he stood up

The Outlast Whistleblower DLC actually shares the same plot as WW2 Turn off the gas chamber

New Ww2 Jokes

My great grandfather was a WW2 hero! After all, he killed Hitler

I'm really sad right now my grandpa died in a WW2 concentration camp. Poor guy fell off the tower

In WW2 Germany and Japan worked on a tank together They called it the Japanzer

My husband was playing COD WW2 when he says "Why don't these dumbasses place their mines? " I said they must be out their damn mines.

An old WW2 Joke from Germany I finally got myself a Hitler portrait. I just don't know if I should hang it or put it against the wall!

I was going to buy a new Volkswagen but my Grandpa got angry at me because of what happened to him during WW2. Apparently, during WW2 my Grandpa had a succession of highly unreliable German cars.

My grandad accidently bit his own tongue off during WW2 He never talks about it though

Where Did Lieutenant Paul Armstrong Go During The Bomb Strikes In WW2 Everywhere.

What do you call a basketball playing WW2 war veteran Dunk-Kirk

A German airman on the air forces during WW2 If you see a white plane, it's American; if it's black it's RAF (Royal Air Force). If you see no planes at all, that's the Luftwaffe.

In WW2 my granddad broke the enigma code... machine.

Latvia in WW2 Latvian man sent to front in Great Patriotic War. No potato, much shooting. Is captured by Germans. Germans send to POW camp. Get own potato as prisoner! But Soviets liberate camp, take all potato. Man dies in Siberia.

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Long Ww2 Jokes

My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.

If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.

If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.

If they surrender, they’re Italian.

If there is a mass wave of infantry and tanks, they’re Russian.

If there is a bayonet and sword charge, they’re Japanese.

If everything is quiet for a minute or two, and suddenly you are in the middle of a massive artillery barrage and air strikes, they are American.

An English WW2 pilot was...

...talking in the school about his war experience.
"So I'm flying over German land in my plane. I was alone. Out of the blue, a fokker flanks me on the right. Then, I found a fokker on my left wing too. I was panicking, when suddenly 2 more fokkers appeared and surrounded me..."

By now, the children are giggling, so an embaressed teacher intervenes, "Actually, fokker is the name of a German airplane."

"Yeah", interjected the pilot, "But these fokkers were flying in Dorniers."

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadian



If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

Words of wisdom from a WW2 veteran. (from /r/military)

If you encounter a unit you can't identify, fire a shot above their head so it won't hit anyone.

If their response consists of rapid, precise, and controlled fire. They're British.

If their response is a shitstorm of machine gun fire. They're German.

If they throw down their guns and surrender. They're Italian.

If nothing happens for 5 minutes and then your position absolutely obliterated by support artillery and air strikes. They're American.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

A yooper WW2 Fighter Pilot visited a school to talk about his service

"In 19 and 42, da situation was really tough. The Germans, dey had a very strong Air Force. I remember dis one day I was protectin' da bombers and suddenly, from outta da clouds, dese fokkers appeared."

*At this point, several of the children giggle*

"I looked up, and right above me was one of da fokkers. I aimed at him and shot dat fokker down. Da fokkers was everywhere, dere was anoder fokker right behind me."

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company"

"Ya... ya... dat's true!" says the old pilot, "but dese fokkers was flyin' Messerschmidts."

During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general.

They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. "I'm never gonna talk" he says "we'll see" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and tie his hands behind his back and he says "I will never talk" the torturers say "We'll see". After another six hours of torture the Japanese general confesses everything he knows. They throw him back into the cell and take the italian general. They tie his hands behind his back and the Italian says "I'll never talk" the torturers again say "We'll see" after six hours of torture the italian general still doesn't talk so they throw hin back into the cell saying "You'll talk tomorrow"
The german and the Japanese generals are impressed and ask "How did you do it, how did you not talk?" The Italian then responds "how am I supposed to talk with my hands tied behind my back."

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2

His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.

“Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky.”

The teacher said, “I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are giggling but I want to be clear that a Fokker is a type of aircraft.”

The Ace said, “certainmont, cherie. But zees fawkers were flying Mescherschmits.”

During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.

While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"

"We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered.

The pilot gets another infection, this time in his arm. The doctor tells him they need to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"

"We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered

A few weeks go by and the pilot gets another infection, this time in his remaining leg. The doctor tells him that they need to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land-"

"STOP!" bellows a prison guard, "He's trying to escape!"

There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

WW2 joke. I read this conversation between two Counter-Strike players ingame...

(I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this)

Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war.

Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.

Player1: My god that's awful...

Player2: Yea, he fell down from the guardtower.

Player1 has left the game

Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground dead.
The other two look at each other and think that now they can split the profits.
They continue to push the tank and after another 30 minutes the other one falls dead on the ground.
So the last one thinks that this is good because now I can have all the money to myself and he continues to push the tank.
After awhile he too falls dead on the ground.
5 minutes goes by and then the top hatch opens and a German sticks his head out and looks around.
A voice from inside the tank asks " What is the matter Hans?"
Hans replies " I think we have run out of Jews".

WW2 - A german, a japanese and an italian soldier get captured by the Soviets

They are to be interrogated for information by Soviet Intelligence.

The Intelligence officer tells them:

I will take you one by one into the next room and torture you until you are telling me what I want to know.

He starts with the German, takes him from the group cell into the next room. The soldier ist tied onto a chair, then the door closes, blocking the view.

After 30 minutes they both appear again and the German is pushed back into the cell.

"What happened?", The others ask.

"I couldn't stay strong, I love the Reich but the torture was too much, I told them everything I know".

The japanese soldier is next. He is tied onto a chair and the door closes another time.

He and the officer reappear 3 hours later.

"I was ready to die for Japan, but the torture broke me, I am dishonored."

The italian soldier is last. Same procedure as before, tied onto a chair, the door closes.

After nearly 10 hours the clearly desperate officer and the italian soldier come out and return to the cell. The officer insults the italian in russian and then leaves the cell, unbelieveably angry.

The other two are in shock. "What happened, you didn't say anything for 10 hours? How?

" I wanted-a to say-a everything from the start-a, but my hands were tied behind the back! How am-a I supposed to talk like this?"

The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta

After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.

After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.

Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.

-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.

He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.

Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:

-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.

A man walks into a french restseraunt during WW2

A man walks into a french resteraunt during world war 2

Man: Could i have a pizza

French Waiter: sorry thats italian food

Man: Paella?

French Waiter: Sorry thats spanish food

Man: for gods sake, Brotwurst?

French Waiter: Sorry thats german

Man: God damn it i give up

French Waiter: Now your speaking my language

WW2 pilot recalls a morning patrol in front of son's school class

A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.

"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."

At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.

"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".

At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the German Air Force.

He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".

WW2

A teacher asks a WW2 pilot to speak to her elementary school class. He tells the children a bit about the army and what day to day life was like. Then he begins to tell them about a dog fight he had been in. He gets very excited as he telling the story and says to the children, "There were Fokkers to the right and Fokkers to the left. There were Fokkers above me and Fokkers below me!" The teacher interrupts to say, "Children, the Fokker is a type of airplane." "Yeah," the pilot says, "except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

During WW2 a German soldier based in France is proceeding home on leave in a fully loaded passenger train

He shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young Frenchman. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.

A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the German has a horrible black eye.

'So unlucky' thinks the German soldier. 'The Frenchman gets the kiss and I get the blame!'

'Well done, my girl!' thinks the old lady. 'You stood up to that brute!'

The beautiful woman is puzzled. 'Why would that German kiss that old lady?'

The Frenchman thinks 'I can’t wait for another tunnel so I kiss the back of my hand, then smack that bloody German again!'

WW2 - A german, a japanese and an italian soldier get captured by the Soviets

The are to be interrogated for information by Soviet Intelligence.

The Intelligence officer tells them:

I will take you one by one into the next room and torture you until you are telling me what I want to know.

He starts with the German, takes him from the group cell into the next room. The soldier ist tied onto a chair, then the door closes, blocking the view.

After 30 minutes they both appear again and the German is pushed back into the cell.

"What happened?", The others ask.

"I couldn't stay strong, I love the Reich but the torture was too much, I told them everything I know".

The japanese soldier is next. He is tied onto a chair and the door closes another time.

He and the officer reappear 3 hours later.

"I was ready to die for Japan, but the torture broke me, I am dishonored."

The italian soldier is last. Same procedure as before, tied onto a chair, the door closes.

After nearly 10 hours the clearly desperate officer and the italian soldier come out and return to the cell. The officer insults the italian in russian and then leaves the cell, unbelieveably angry.

The other two are in shock. "What happened, you didn't say anything for 10 hours? How?

" I wanted-a to say-a everything from the start-a, but my hands were tied behind the back!
How am-a I supposed to talk like this?"

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