Cartoon Jokes

Contents

Funniest Cartoon Jokes

My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front. Credit Evan Sayet.

Patient: every day I feel more and more like a cartoon rabbit **Doctor:** you have a bad case of updoc

**Patient:** what’s updoc?

**Doctor:** this is more serious than I thought

Funny Cartoon Jokes

Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them. I hate junk mail.

What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.

Did you hear about the murder of the cartoon artist? The details are sketchy.

I saw a cartoon portraying a politican like a goat It was satyr.

I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I'm having trouble hearing." The doctor said "What are the symptoms?" I said "A yellow cartoon family"

Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character" Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual state... How long have you felt this way?"

Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."

Which cartoon character will never say no to the Pope? Popeyes!

What do you call a rerun of cartoon about zombies? Re-animated

George Clooney creates an iTunes playlist and fills it with various cartoon soundtracks. Clooney Tunes

On my TV I can see plenty of zombies, cartoon characters, and religious hucksters. I guess the elections are coming up soon!

Which cartoon character have you seen live? Donald Duck

A beloved cartoon artist was found dead in their home today Officers state that the details are sketchy

What did the cartoon character say to his brother in law when he found out his wife was crazy? You knew she was looney and a maniac...and you didn’t warn a brother?

You can tell how amazingly progressive the world's become... When you see countries like Ukraine, America, and China elect a comedian, a clown, and a cartoon bear to be their presidents.

There's a new hospital building in California named after a famous cartoon character the Scooby Dooby Doo ICU.

Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner

What do you get when you cross a cartoon character and a Communist? Mickey Mao.

If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio

I had a picture of my favorite cartoon rabbit, but when I came home one day, someone encased it in glass and hung it up. Who framed Roger Rabbit?

What do you call a cartoon cow? An animoo!

If I drew a cartoon depicting Mohamed and Harambe dating It would be Haram-Bae

My favorite drawings at the Mohammad cartoon festival in Texas... were the two chalk outlines out front.

What is the capital punishment for cartoon characters? Getting drawn & quartered.

As a child, Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson was in the Flintstones cartoon He was the voice of Pebbles

What would Doug Funnie’s dogs name be if the cartoon was Swedish? Bjorkchop

What do you call cartoon duck sausage? Huey Louie Andouille.

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Long Cartoon Jokes

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk



NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.

You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

What do you do all day?

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog,
Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel...
She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.’

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...

**SOCIALISM**

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

The government charges a gift tax.



**COMMUNISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



**FASCISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



**NAZISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



**BUREAUCRATISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.



**TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM**

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



**Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM**

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.



**AN AMERICAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.



**A GREEK CORPORATION**

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.



**A FRENCH CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



**A JAPANESE CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.



**AN ITALIAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



**A SWISS CORPORATION**

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



**A CHINESE CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



**AN INDIAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You worship them.



**A BRITISH CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



**AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



**A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered herring by a falling safe.

"It's a common enough means of death for cartoon characters," Fenwick opined. "Every year, we lose five or six citizens to falling safes. But this time, it was no accident. This time, it's murder!"

He showed Feghoot the ingenious deadfall trap rigged to rain financial ruin on an unsuspecting victim. Bullwinkle's antlers were still entangled in the tripwire. Grasped tightly in one hand was a small statue of a Hindu god.

The dead quadruped's best friend, Rocky the flying squirrel had been with Bullwinkle at the time of his death, but when questioned by Feghoot, the distraught rodent said all he could remember was seeing a rabbi fleeing the scene upon a pogo stick.

Fenwick immediately issued an APB for the rabbi.

"You're wasting your time, Fenwick," said Feghoot grimly, as he stood from his examination of the body. "The rabbi has been framed. When you find him, he will tell you of some elaborate ruse that induced him to be on a pogo stick at this time and place."

"How do you know that, Feghoot?" asked the Inspector.

"This is the work of the Christmas Killer," Feghoot declared. "I have been on the trail of this fiend for years, and I fear that we might never catch him. Every December, he arranges one of these grisly messages."

"Look! Didn't you notice the smile on the victim's face? The corners of his mouth have been propped up... by these!" He displayed two toothpicks he had taken from Bullwinkle's mouth.

"I still don't see how you know the murderer is the Christmas Killer," said Fenwick.

"Isn't it obvious?" Feghoot asked. "Wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...

​

\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

You give one to your neighbor.

​

The government charges a gift tax.

​



​

\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

​



​

\*\*FASCISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

​



​

\*\*NAZISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both and shoots you.

​



​

\*\*BUREAUCRATISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

​



​

\*\*TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You sell one and buy a bull.

​

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

​

You sell them and retire on the income.

​



​

\*\*Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

​

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

​

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

​

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

​

No balance sheet provided with the release.

​

The public then buys your bull.

​



​

\*\*AN AMERICAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

​

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

​



​

\*\*A GREEK CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

​



​

\*\*A FRENCH CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

​



​

\*\*A JAPANESE CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

​

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

​



​

\*\*AN ITALIAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

​

You decide to have lunch.

​



​

\*\*A SWISS CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

​

You charge the owners for storing them.

​



​

\*\*A CHINESE CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You have 300 people milking them.

​

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

​

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

​



​

\*\*AN INDIAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You worship them.

​



​

\*\*A BRITISH CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

Both are mad.

​



​

\*\*AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

Business seems pretty good.

​

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

​



​

\*\*A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

Two Cows - Matthias Varga

* SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor


* COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk


* FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk


* NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you


* BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then

throws the milk away


* TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income


* ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with he release.

The public then buys your bull.


* SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


* AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to

produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why

the cow has dropped dead.


* A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,

dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.


* A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


* A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.


* AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.


* A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.


* A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


* AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.


* A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.


* AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


* AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


* A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive…

A man came home from work

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden,

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware
of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit
on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination
of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly
through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.
The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

One day a little girl was watching cartoon when a porno came through

The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake." Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out And the girl said "Look mommy they are baking a cake!" The next day the girl says "Mommy you and Daddy were baking a cake last night." Her mom replied "how did you know?" The girl said "because I licked the icing off the sofa!"

Pluto's Orbit

Did you know that Pluto's orbit around the sun is so large that it didn't even complete a single Pluto year between the time we found it and declassified it as a planet? It takes 248 earth years for 1 Pluto year. Isn't that horrible? Put it this way. We named a planet after a cartoon dog, and before it even turned one in its doggy years, we put it down. Isn't that horrible?

2 guys at a restaurant

2 guys are at a restaurant on the roof of a tall building.

the 1st guy says, 'I bet you a beer that I can jump off the ledge and the wind will blow me right back up to this restaurant.'

the 2nd guy says, 'you're on!' (not sure if he was kidding or not)

So the 1st guy jumps off the tower, and sure enough the wind blows him right back up

The 2nd guy says, 'that's amazing! I bet you a beer you can't do it again!'

The 1st guy laughs, jumps off the tower *again*, and sure enough the wind blows him all the way back up (*gushhhh*).

The 2nd guy says, 'wow! i'm blown away! (pun)ok let me try!' The 1st guy's woozie now, sways a bit, and says 'hahah, what ever man' (use drunken voice).

The 2nd guy jumps (use cartoon whistle, then *SPLAT* sound) and the 1st guy starts laughing *hard*.

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, 'you know superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk'.

My blonde friend Charlene phones me up to ask for help with her jigsaw puzzle

I said "Surely, you can manage a simple jigsaw puzzle without needing help?"
She said "No honesty, it's really hard. The pieces are quite similar. I've been working on it night and day for a week and I've got nowhere"
I said "what's the picture of?"
"She said "It's a cartoon chicken."
I said "Well that doesn't sound like it could be that difficult."
She said "Are you coming over to help me or not?"
I said "Okay, I'll be there within the hour"
I caught a train and then a taxi. Finally I buzz her apartment. She answers and lets me up. I take the elevator up. I walk up to her apartment, she's already there with the door open.
"Follow me" she says and leads me to her dinning room table.
"Well Mister clever clogs? Now you try and finish the jigsaw puzzle."
I say "Charlene put the box of Kellogg's cornflakes down"

A wife was cleaning under the bed of the guest room when she found 2 eggs and a 10 thousand dollars

She went to her husband and asked him what was that.

So he said “well to be honest when we got married I decided that every time i am cheat on you i would buy an egg”

“Well 2 times in thirty years isn’t that bad. What about the 10 k” she replied

“Well every time I collected a full egg cartoon i would sell it and keep the money”

One Last Smoke

One Last Smoke

In WWI, two soldiers were selected from their platoon to lead the charge on the enemy trench lines. Knowing that they would likely die the next day, the men decided they would spend the day drinking the best alcohol and smoking the best cigars. They walked up and down the trench lines, asking for a last drink or cigarette. Due to supply shortages, all the men could find was cheap alcohol and homemade cigs. Wanting something better, the men began asking in tents and infirmeries for real alcohol and quality cigars.

Inside the infimary, the medics refused to give up any alcohol as they needed it for their patients. Knowing that they would far outlive the grunt men, the communications officers refused to give up any of the expensive cigarettes in their tent. Lastly, coming to the officer’s tent, both men were given each a shot of expensive whiskey and sent on their way.

Unsatisified, they grumbled back to their tents and slept for the night.

During the next day’s charge, both of the men were wounded and fell into the same foxhole.

“Damn,” said the first, “really wish I could’ve had one last smoke before I die.”

“Lucky for you, I snuck into the officers tent and stole a pack of smokes in the night,” replied the second.

“Alright! Pass me one!”

Doing so, both men looked at the cigarettes in the cartoon before realizing they were homemade. Garbage.

“Goddammit! I thought I told you!”

“What?”

“The real smoke is always in the com tent!”

Tom and Jerry Cartoon episode

Joey: I never saw the final episode of Tom and Jerry. Anybody did? I wonder why they stopped making new episodes.

Chandler: Yep, I did.
Tom was chasing Jerry around the house. Jerry ran safely through a mouse-trap and Tom followed, but his nose got caught in the trap!

Joey: Hahahaa! What next?

Chandler: Tom got mad and caught Jerry in his paw.

Joey: Then?

Chandler: He ate him. Head first. The producers didn't want to continue with a show that was just called 'Tom', so they shut it down.

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