Skeleton Jokes

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Funniest Skeleton Jokes

Funny Skeleton Jokes

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself? Because it didn't have the nerves.

What room can't a skeleton enter? The living room.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?" The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

My 82 year old Grandpa's favorite joke A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says

"I'll have a beer and a mop"

What did the French skeleton say before he ate? Bone apetit

Why didn't the skeleton like to dance? Because he had no body to dance with!

A skeleton walks into a bar... Bartender: What’ll be?
Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop.

A skeleton walks in to a pub... [Happy Hallowe'en!] A skeleton walks in to a pub and says "Bring me a beer and a mop."

Why does the skeleton go to church? It keeps him on the straight and marrow.

Why did the skeleton not go to prom? He had no *body* to go with!!!

As told by a Professor, in a serious Aerospace class, reading off of Laffy Taffy.

What's a skeleton in a closet? A hide and seek winner.

A skeleton walked into a bar A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

And a mop.

A skeleton walks into a bar... And askes for a beer and a mop.

Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment. Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart.

What do you call a skeleton key? A Spookey

My 9 year old daughter's joke Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had crippling depression

Did you hear about the skeleton that couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.

How much does 2,000lbs of bone weigh a skeleton

What so you call a corpse that won't admit it's own sexuality? A skeleton in the closet.

What do you call a blonde haired skeleton in the closet? Last year's Hide and Go seek champion.

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.... and a mop.

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer and a mop.

Why wouldn't the skeleton ride any roller coasters? He just didn't have the stomach for them.

Why didn't the skeleton go to homecoming? because he had no body to go with

3 Jokes about bars: 1.

A duck walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my bill."

2.

A typewriter walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my tab."

3.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Uh, and a mop."

A skeleton walks into a bar He asks for a beer and a mop.

Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon?? Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

Why didn't the skeleton like spicy food? 'Cause he didn't have the stomach for it!

A skeleton walks into a bar Tells the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?


Because he had a boner

Why was the skeleton embarrassed? Because he had a boner.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom? You might think it's because he has no body to go with, but in reality it's just because he's dead.

What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet? Last year's winner of the blonde "hide and go seek" contest

Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.

A skeleton walks into a bar A skeleton walks into a bar and he asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender asks the skeleton if he would like anything else with his beer

The skeleton replies: “yes I would like a mop please”

How much do bones weigh? About a skeleTON

Do you guys wanna hear a skeleton joke? Never mind. I don’t have the guts to tell one.

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New Skeleton Jokes

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have any guts.

A skeleton decided not to go to his school dance He didn’t go since he had nobody to go with.

A skeleton walks into a bar And orders a glass of beer and a cleaning mop.

Do you want to see my skeleton collection? I currently only have 1, and I'm not looking to expand.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

What did the skeleton say after meeting his arch nemesis? “I’ve got a bone to pick with you!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders and orders a drink and a mop. Can't remember where I heard it, but it's apparently a joke from Willie Nelson.

If you can have any dead person as a Quarantine roommate which one would you have? A: The one who is just a skeleton cause a decomposing corpse would make the whole house smell.

How much does a pile of bones weigh? A skeleton

What did the skeleton say to the thin man? I'm bonier than you

what's a skeleton without its human? It's just a skeleton.

A skeleton walks into a bar “I’d like a beer and a mop.”

I just realized that the Black Pearl was undermanned... It was operating with a skeleton crew

what did the skeleton say to his enemy I've got a *bone* to pick with you

Why does a skeleton go to the party alone? He has "no body" to go with

What do you call a blond skeleton in a closet Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner

Why did the skeleton have no date? He doesn't have a body

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. Dah dah tsshhh

Why didn't the skeleton want to fight? Because he didn't have the guts

why did the skeleton download grindr? because he wanted to bone

What do you call a skeleton in a fedora? Indiana Bones.

My daughter wanted to tell a joke. She asked why the skeleton walked his skeleton dog. I said, "I don't know. But I bet it will be humerus!"

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? He had no body to go with.

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain? Because he read the weather forecast you idiot

Request for a punchline I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.

So here goes.

Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?

A skeleton walks into a bar... “I’ll have a beer and a mop, please”

“Mop?”

“Yeah, it’s running right through me today”

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he's dead

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween party? Because he had no body to go with.

Why did the skeleton go to the supermarket? To get SPARE RIBS!

Happy Halloween to all the dad joke lovers out there!

I was gonna tell a skeleton joke But it was too humerus

Why didn't the skeleton like performing at the ghost theater? He was always boo-ed off stage. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

All natural diets are great My friend started eating hemlock salads a few years ago and now he's practically a skeleton

Why can't the skeleton have any children? Because he has a hollow weinee

What did the skeleton order for dinner? The spare ribs.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn’t have the guts.

“At least you’ll get baby-sized Halloween skeleton decor for free!” Was apparently not the right thing to say during my anti-vax neighbour’s kid’s funeral.

Two skeletons are fighting to the death. One falls down, and the other stands proudly before his fallen foe, with his magestic sword in hand. The fallen skeleton grins and yells: "You won't finish me. You don't have the guts to do it."

Why did the skeleton not go to the prom? Because he had crippling anxiety!

You go up to a mans house on Halloween to compliment his skeleton decorations He says thanks those were my kids

A skeleton walks into a bar He asks for a beer and a mop.



This is a terrible joke but it’s spooky time so it fits

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Long Skeleton Jokes

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

There are two identical twin brothers that live together.

One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, “God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it’s designed.”

The electrical engineer said, “No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.”

The civil engineer said, “God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?”

That wasn't very punny now was it?

...A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...

...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ... String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...

...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

...Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist;s Novocain during root canal work because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

...Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly so they lit a fire in the craft but it sank proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and eat it too.

...Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina; one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields never amounting to much and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

...There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

...A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

...A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

...A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Cheesy Jokes/ Lame Jokes. They make my day.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

Why did the cookie go to hospital?
Because he was feeling a little crummy.

Why was the mushroom happy?
Because he was a fungi.

How do you organise a party in space?
You planet.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta way.

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing they just waved.

Did you hear about the movie constipated?
It never came out.

The "Age" of Dinosaurs

A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"

The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old."

"Amazing!" the mother replies. "How can you know that so well?"

"Well," replied the museum guide eagerly, "when I started working here, I asked a scientist working on it the same question. He told me it was 65 million years old. And that was 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days ago."

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"

The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"

The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his way to the top floor, after quickly rushing through a sea of flames and sprinting past an inferno that was fueled by the skeleton of what used to be a staircase. Upon finding a beautiful young lady upstairs, seemingly his own age, he exclaimed, "come quick! The roof won't last much longer! We've got to go!" She revealed that her ankle was hurt and she told him he had to carry her. He hoisted her up, carried her towards the front door and tells her, "you know, you're the first pregnant girl I've ever rescued." The young lady was surprised and somewhat offended at this, replying, "but I'm not pregnant?" And the fireman, with a wink, suavely replied, "well you're not rescued yet."

An old couple visits the Natural History Museum.

An old couple visits the Natural History Museum and walks over to a large dinosaur skeleton on display.

"How old is this particular skeleton?" the old man asks one of the curators

"Well this one is 65 million years, 14 weeks and 3 days old" she replies

"Wow that's very specific, was that determined through carbon dating or some other method?" asks the old lady

"Actually, when I started working here they told me it was 65 million years old. That was 14 weeks and 3 days ago." the curator happily explains

A man and a and his wife are having breakfast

As the wife is reading the newspaper, she comes across a strange article.
“It says here that they’ve found a 12,000 year old skeleton frozen in a glacier, and evidently it’s a woman. Now how do you think they knew it was a woman?”

The husband replies with:
“Well it’s simple.”

“How is it so simple?”

“It’s mouth was still open.”

Museum Security

There was a man who was an aspiring archaeologist and he was curious about dinosaurs and fossils. He went to a museum and saw a giant fossil skeleton of a T-Rex, but he didn’t know the age, however. He asked the security guard nearby “Hey do you know how old that dinosaur fossil is?” The security guard replied “65 million and 3 years old!” The man was intrigued by the age of the fossil but confused . “How do you know it’s exactly 65 million and 3 years old?, that seems very specific for carbon dating to me!” The security guard replied “ Well, it was 65 million years old when I first started working here, 3 years ago.“

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours later, a hooded skeleton pushes his way into the room.

"Sorry I'm late, traffic was murder!"

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!

What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!

What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!

What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!

What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!

Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!

How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!

What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!

What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!

What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!

Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.

What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!

What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!

Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!

What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!

What letter is always wet? The C!

I love skeleton jokes

I once had a friend who was a skeleton, he was a real bonehead. He worked as a LUMBARjack until he had a bone to pick with his boss. It didn't end well for his career, but hey nothing got under his skin, he tried getting back his job, he tried to fake an apology to his boss, but it once again didn't end well, he was a real bad liar, you could see right through him. He found his next job in comedy, he could tickle everyone's funny bone. He felt in his bones that everyone cracked up every time he stepped on the podium. He never had the guts to finish his stand up and he always got sp00ked and gave up eventually. Now he moved away to another country to start a new career, now I got NO-BODY to hang out with...

A Mozart fanatic visits his tomb in Austria...

John is a gigantic Mozart fanatic. He's listened to every one of his many compositions, paid attention to the melodies and how they were composed, and the thought process of their creation. All that John has left to do is to visit Mozart's tomb.

John travels to Austria and visits his tomb. While he is there, Mozart rises from his tomb. Of course, he's just a skeleton by this point, but it's still Mozart. John knows his proportions when he died, after all. John notices that buried with Mozart is this long lost Mozart symphony!! John approaches Mozart attempting to retrieve it, but just as he approaches, Mozart beings ripping up the papers.

John yells "Mozart! What are you doing!?" Mozart replies "I'm decomposing"

Observation

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, and she looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The driver leaned out his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

Interesting Title Here

Pun time!!

Q: What do you call dental x-rays? A: Tooth pics.

Q: What do you call a group of babies? A: An infantry.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? A: He pasta away.

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? A: Because they lactose.

Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A: A dinosnore.

Q: Which way did the programmer go? A: He went data way.

Q: How does NASA organize a party? A: They planet.

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: Same middle name.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? A: An investigator.

Q: Are mountains just funny? A: No. They are hill areas.

Q: Why didn't the bicycle stand up on its own? A: It was two tyred.

Q: What did the window feel when it was hit by a stone? A: It felt the pane.

An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one another then back at their guide. "Trust me," he told them, "It's guaranteed or your money back." Having no plans and now both understandably intrigued, the pair agreed. When they arrived at the roller coaster, they were amazed to see the giant steel skeleton of the most intricate ride they'd ever seen. It had loops, helixes, corkscrews and drops more terrifying than anything they'd ridden back home. The son quickly rescinded his consent and turned you guys father. "There's no way I'm getting on that thing. You go first," he said, "Then you can tell me if it's worth it." Not wanting to seem a coward, the father accepted. Stepping into the first car, he seated himself. As the attendant approached to check his shoulder restraint, her couldn't help but ask, "So how exactly am I supposed to learn an entire language from a roller coaster?" The attendant smiled and replied simply, "You'll see." Anticipation turned to unease as the cars lurched upward towards the first drop. The seconds felt like hours as the car climbed higher and higher, clicking steadily while the chain pulled it skyward. As the nose of the car tipped downward and he could see the enormous drop below, his inner fear turned verbal. Without thinking he screamed, "minä kuolen!" As he rounded the first turn and into an inverted twist, he debut another exclamation well inside and burst forth. "naida!" He screamed as the ride continued. A few minutes and many foreign-tongued exclamations later, he found himself back at the station trying to catch his breath with the smiling attendant removing his restraints. His ran up to his son and declared, "It really works! I'm not sure how, but it really works!" "How was it?" the son asked unimpressed. "It was a wild ride from start to Finnish." "The son smiled weakly. "Yeah , the cabbie stole our luggage."

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.


Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.


I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.


I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.


I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.


After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.


I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.


So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.
I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.


As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.


The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliff side and dug in my pocket once more.


I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth.

It stopped the coffin.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining together at the country club.

The conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary, and a wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.

The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

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