Women Jokes


Funniest Women Jokes

I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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Funny Women Jokes
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A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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I like my women like I like my slaves Educated and free.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body. But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

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My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

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To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

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My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

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Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

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My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you’re a good driver watch out.

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

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I like my women like i like my computer Turned on
On my lap
Virus free

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I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

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A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

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Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

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I like my women like I like my mathematical constants. Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite... ...I only look at the covered parts.

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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

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Women and not being attractive If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

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When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

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Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

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I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

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Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation.. Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

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What does every women in the world want? Nothing, they're fine.

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My girlfriend asked me to name... My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

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Why can't two women play monopoly together? There's only one iron.

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Mayweather is actually 54-0 If you count the women

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Imagine if instead of periods, women had apostrophes They'd be even more possessive.

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In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."

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I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

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A naked women robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face

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I hate women who lie over the smallest things. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

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New Women Jokes

Two romans are having a conversation. The one asks: "How many women do you think I have laid with?"


"No, not that many."

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About 14 women asked me out today I was in the wrong toilet

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Today I was asked out by about 30 women. It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.

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Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

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The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, . but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

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I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

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A lot of women actually turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out

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Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too It's called "history"

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It's well known that men can read maps better than women. But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

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Why are women like a Hurricane? They come at you all hot and wet and leave you without a house or car...

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I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

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Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive... How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

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Dating women is like squaring numbers If they're under 15, just do them in your head.

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Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

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What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe

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Women are like hurricane... ...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...

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Women are like car parking spaces... Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one

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It’s impossible to please women. Even at your wedding, you are not the best man

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I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

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This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double." So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

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I'm have mixed feelings about abortion. On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

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If I had a dollar for every gender... I'd have $1.70 because women make less.

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Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35? Because 36 is just too many.

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I like metal bands with female lead singers... Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

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I don't know why men go to bars to meet women... They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

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I asked Siri "What do women want?" My phone has not shut up for the past three days.

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I like my women like I like my cigars... 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba

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I like my women like I like my coffee. From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

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I like my women like I like my golf scores In the mid 70's with a slight handicap

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The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines... They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

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Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day? Because all sentences should end with a period.

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My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

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Women's Guide To Understanding Men If a guy says to you, "You're cute" - he's looking at your face.

If a guy says to you, "You're hot" - he's looking at your body.

If a guy says to you, "You're fabulous" - he's looking at your brother.

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Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days

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Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

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Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

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I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up in my freezer.

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I like my women like I like my ramen noodles Hot, cheap, and Asian

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Women are so ungrateful these days. I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.

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I was a man trapped in a women's body. Then I was born.

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Two women are discussing their love lives Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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Why are all Jewish men circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

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Why are most women bad at parking? Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

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Today I was asked to go out, by 10 girls... I was in the women's bathroom

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I like my women like I like my coffee Absolutely no pubes

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What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.

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Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

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A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

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Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention. I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all.

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Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women? American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

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Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators The other 33% have brand new ones

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OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses? Because they are pretty and hurt you.

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How do you get fifty old women to say f**k? Shout "Bingo!"

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I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement

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A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?" The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

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Im not sexist... Because thats wrong and being wrong is for women

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What is College Feminism? What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

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I've been dating a homeless women recently and I think it's getting serious... she asked me to move out with her.

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