Women Jokes

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Funniest Women Jokes

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

Funny Women Jokes

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

I like my women like I like my slaves Educated and free.

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body. But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6' away.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you’re a good driver watch out.

Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!

Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

I like my women like i like my computer Turned on
On my lap
Virus free

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants. Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite... ...I only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Women and not being attractive If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her... I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee Without other people's dicks in it.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer than the men who mention it

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

A lot of women are turning into good drivers. So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation.. Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

What does every women in the world want? Nothing, they're fine.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?... Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

My girlfriend asked me to name... My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

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New Women Jokes

Women are tho only creature to defy the laws of gravity The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body. Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.

I like my women like I like COVID 19, breathtaking, and easily spread

As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.

One big difference between men and women is... that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice

Why are married women fatter than single women? A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.

A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

What do women and grenades have in common? Take the ring off and the house is gone

I like my women how I like my Coronavirus 19 and easy to spread

The wage gap isn’t real Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO

When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies. But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

Study shows women are turning into good drivers So if you’re a good driver watch out

Why are there no women magicians? Because we burned them all

After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years. But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

Women are like swimming pools. They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

Two romans are having a conversation. The one asks: "How many women do you think I have laid with?"

"Mmm..."

"No, not that many."

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

I like my women like I like my radioactive isotopes Really hot and totally unstable.

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are all the other genders from? They were pulled out Uranus!

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons? Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

What do forklifts and women have in common? If you don’t have one, you have to unload by hand.

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do. He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines... ​

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term. Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.

women are like tables they don't talk to me

I asked SIRI, what do women want? The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women

A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

I like my women like i like my toasters Turned on and in the bath tub win me

Women are actually turning into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.

Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

My wife told me That women are better in multitasking than men.

I told her to shut up and make me a breakfast.

Obviously she didn't manage.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... i am so polite i only look at the covered parts.

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus... The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

Women are actually turning into good drivers So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning

Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with Second Roman: mmm?

Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Fact When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies...... Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts!

Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years. That's quite a long period.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can find a solution in silence.

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Long Women Jokes

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.


Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."


Curious, Attila did as he asked.


Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.


Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,


"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

not for the easily offended - one of my favorites

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “

“Ok, ask away” God said.

“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.

“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.

The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"

One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"

The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.

"What's the matter?" the cop asks.

She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190."

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared\-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women \(some with clothes and some without\).

He then mailed them to his now\-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,

and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.


















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the floors.

There is, however, a catch ..

You may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor,

but, you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your steps as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

Two guys are playing golf.......

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fri-

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.

The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."

The American says: "Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically, and I just sit and relax all day long."

The Russian says: "After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye."

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