Hilarious Women Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Women Jokes

I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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I like my women like I like my slaves Educated and free.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body. But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

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My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

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To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

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My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

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Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

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My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you’re a good driver watch out.

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

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I like my women like i like my computer Turned on
On my lap
Virus free

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I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

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A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

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Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

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I like my women like I like my mathematical constants. Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite... ...I only look at the covered parts.

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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

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Women and not being attractive If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

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When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

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Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

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I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

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Bill Cosby is going to have a new show Women Say the Darndest Things

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What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women? One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.

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What is College Feminism? What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

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A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, “SHOULDN’T, WOULDN’T, COULDN’T, CAN’T” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor.
“Those are just contractions”

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This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

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I've been dating a homeless women recently and I think it's getting serious... she asked me to move out with her.

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they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

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What do they call beautiful women in England? Tourists

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The murder rate among trans women of color is so high You'd think they were black guys.

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A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

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New Women Jokes

Why is it difficult to maintain an erection with bigger women? Because there's too much riding on it.

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I like my coffee how I like my women... I don't like coffee.

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The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16. They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

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My vacation to Thailand has taught me that I like my women like I like my brownies... ...without nuts

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Why do men choose video games over women? Video games can be beaten without legal consequences.

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What do you call a STD passed only between women? A Ladybug.

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Why did the cannibal go to the women's shelter? He heard they had battered women there

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Three old women are sitting on a bench A flasher runs up and opens his coat.

The first woman immediately had a stroke.

The second had one only a moment later.

The third didn't because she couldn't reach.

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Three Jewish women having lunch in a restaurant... Waiter approaches and asks, "Is anything OK here?"

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Women always call me ugly until they find out what I earn. Then they call me poor.

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3 old women were walking in the park... When a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first woman had a stroke,
the second women had a stroke,
but the third woman's arm was too short to reach.

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A women walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre So the bar tender gives it to her.

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Did you hear about that old guy down the street? Apparently he likes his women how he likes his wine. 12 years old and in his basement

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"There'd be no wars." "If women ruled the world," said my wife with confidence. I replied,"That's true, wars require strategy and logic."

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A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man... Guess that puts women in third.

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The real reason some women don’t like guys under 6 feet Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

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Why do Jewish women never make coffee? Because Hebrew

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Parking spaces are just like women If all the good ones are taken, stick it in a disabled one

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I really appreciate all the fan mail you beautiful women have been writing me. Now go ahead and send them.

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With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service. It'll be called NiCab.

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Women are like newspaper articles... They have a new issue every freaking day

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I like my women how I like the borders of my Excel cells With a thick bottom

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Do you know what do women and nail polish have in common? they both undress with the help
of alchocol

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I like my women the way I like Starbucks I just can't afford either

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Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 38? Because 39 is just too many.

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What do you call a fat women with a rape whistle.... Optimistic

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I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man I was told women love accessories.

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I got arrested for staring at two women kissing on the train. That's the last time I'll be taking my laptop.

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I hate when women say they're lonely when I'm here... It's like saying you're hungry when there's a pile of cold spaghetti on the floor outside.

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An Oklahoman Rep referred to pregnant women as "hosts." That's so wrong! They're hostesses.

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Why are women attracted to intelligent men? Opposites attract

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What's the difference between horses and women? Horses shoes are practical

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I hate meeting girls dads That's why I date black women.

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I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model

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What do women and the stock market have in common? If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.

My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

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Why are hot pickle buns so popular in polish women's prisons? They're made out of dill dough.

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I like my women how I like my Christmas trees. Illegally taken in the forest.

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I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic

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I'm not sure how I feel about Pro Choice. I mean, I am all for dead babies, but I don't like giving women choices...

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Turned on a women's volleyball game today, and within the first three minutes a wrist injury occurred But don't worry I'll be fine

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Some say women have it hard, try being a man We wake up everyday only to hold a blade to our face and tie a noose around our neck.

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I almost had a threesome last night, All I needed was two more women.

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Why are Jewish men circumcised? Cause Jewish women won't take anything unless its 10% off.

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What do you call a man who supports women's sports? A sports brah

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I like my classes like I like my women with curves

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women only want things that are 20% off.

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how does james bond prefer his women? shaven, not furred

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I like my women like I like my file systems..... FAT & 32.

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Women are always impressed when I tell them I work in real estate. And to think, my friends almost talked me out of becoming a grave digger!

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I was at a hockey game yesterday and I came up with this horrible joke. Why are women bad luck at hockey games? Because they never have good periods.

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A peephole was found drilled into the wall of a women's locker room in a gym in Manhattan. ...........The police are looking into it.

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Short joke I thought of. What's the difference between sheep and women?

The Welsh don't know yet either.

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THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage 1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

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Have you heard about the Tempura Shelter they are opening downtown? It's a center for lightly battered women.

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Not all women are good at multi-tasking I just saw one trying to talk on her phone, while flying through her car windscreen.

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I like my women like I like my plastic wrap. Clingy, easy to handle, and microwave and freezer tested.

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The reason women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees The man will start unzipping

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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women! *ba dum tssh*

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I don't know why women have a fascination with Twilight. The reason being, vampires and women are entirely different. One is a blood sucking monster that preys on the helpless and the other are vampires.

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I like my coffee how I like my women... imported

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