United Airlines Jokes

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Funniest United Airlines Jokes

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout





EDIT: if i see one more comment that says "knuckle sandwich" i will kidnap all of you and put you on flight 3411

Score: 5725
Funny United Airlines Jokes
Score: 1968

Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.

Score: 1160

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Score: 1064

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Score: 510

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

Score: 380

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

Score: 312

United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.

Score: 205

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Score: 168

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Score: 147

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

Score: 36

Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

Score: 33

Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.

Score: 31

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!

Score: 31

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

Score: 31

A man went to the United Airlines counter A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

Score: 24

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Score: 20

So many failed United Airlines jokes... They just don't get off the ground.

Score: 18

Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? "One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"

Score: 14

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties He said they punched his rights out.

Score: 14

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar... They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Score: 12

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets. Because they come pre-beaten.

Score: 12

My girlfriend has a new fetish... To be treated like a United Airlines customer

Score: 11

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines? Con Air.

Score: 11

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion

Score: 10

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor... But it got carried away

Score: 10

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got? They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

Score: 10

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines... But someone already beat me to the punch.

Score: 8

In order for United Airlines to keep their business... They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

Score: 8

When you fly United Airlines they treat you like a King. Rodney King that is.

Score: 8

how do United Airlines treat their passengers? \[Removed\]

Score: 7

I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines It was a drag

Score: 7

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Score: 7

What food does United Airlines serve? Chinese take out.

Score: 6

I was going to make a United Airlines joke, but there's so many.. That it threw me off

Score: 5

What do United Airlines and an Asian restaurant have in common? Chinese take out.

Score: 5

Up next on Showbox... Mayweather vs United Airlines staff.

Score: 4

All of these United Airlines jokes Are just plane rude

Score: 3

How do you eat your United Airlines meal? Through a straw.

Score: 3

United Airlines should be a sponsor of Planned Parenthood for all the takeoffs they abort

Score: 3

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New United Airlines Jokes

Did you know that United Airlines has the cheapest prices! Therefore, their prices are unbeatable!!!!!!..... but their customers aren't.

Score: 2

United Airlines is being sued for copyright infringement. Killing the Wabbit is a registered trademark of Warner Bros, Inc.

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Did you hear the latest United Airlines joke? Passengers thought it was hilarious. Had em rolling in the aisles

Yep, still milking it....

Score: 1

My girlfriend told me to be rough in bed... I told her to ride me like united airlines

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United Airlines service has become absolutely abysmal. I mean, just 16 years ago, they'd fly you right into your office!

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Why do people fear flying with United Airlines? Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.

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Pentagon awards new military contract to United Airlines To forcibly remove Assad

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Did you hear that United Airlines has stopped serving beer? But they still offer a nice strong punch.

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I'm pretty sure the list of passengers to be ejected from that United Airlines flight was... ...doctored.

Score: 2

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