Hilarious United Airlines Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest United Airlines Jokes

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout

EDIT: if i see one more comment that says "knuckle sandwich" i will kidnap all of you and put you on flight 3411

Score: 5725

Score: 1968

Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.

Score: 1160

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Score: 1064

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Score: 510

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

Score: 380

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

Score: 312

United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.

Score: 205

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Score: 168

Two guys walk into a bar. Psyche! It's just another United Airlines joke.

Score: 154

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Score: 147

There was a race to see what company's planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...

Score: 41

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

Score: 36

Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

Score: 33

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!

Score: 31

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

Score: 31

Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.

Score: 31

A man went to the United Airlines counter A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

Score: 24

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Score: 20

So many failed United Airlines jokes... They just don't get off the ground.

Score: 18

Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? "One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"

Score: 14

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties He said they punched his rights out.

Score: 14

UA at it again If you can't beat them, join them.

-English saying

If you can't join them, beat them.

-United Airlines over booking policy

Score: 14

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar... They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Score: 12

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets. Because they come pre-beaten.

Score: 12

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines? Con Air.

Score: 11

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough... I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

Score: 11

My girlfriend has a new fetish... To be treated like a United Airlines customer

Score: 11

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion

Score: 10

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor... But it got carried away

Score: 10

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got? They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

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In order for United Airlines to keep their business... They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

Score: 8

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines... But someone already beat me to the punch.

Score: 8

When you fly United Airlines they treat you like a King. Rodney King that is.

Score: 8

I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines It was a drag

Score: 7

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Score: 7

how do United Airlines treat their passengers? \[Removed\]

Score: 7

What food does United Airlines serve? Chinese take out.

Score: 6

United Airlines just dropped a new song... It's a big hit!

Score: 6

The past few days summed up Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.

Score: 6

New United Airlines Jokes

United Airlines should be a sponsor of Planned Parenthood for all the takeoffs they abort

Score: 3

What do United Airlines and an Asian restaurant have in common? Chinese take out.

Score: 5

Did you know that United Airlines has the cheapest prices! Therefore, their prices are unbeatable!!!!!!..... but their customers aren't.

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So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar... United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"

Delta glances around, spies baby....

Delta: "Hold my beer..."

Score: 3

A massive rabbit aboard a United Airlines flight turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says "Ehhh, what's up Doc?"

Score: 4

Did you hear the latest United Airlines joke? Passengers thought it was hilarious. Had em rolling in the aisles

Yep, still milking it....

Score: 1

United Airlines United Airlines, now offering Chinese take-out........

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The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of... the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

Score: 4

Why doesn't Doctor Who travel with United Airlines? Because the tardis is faster.

Yeah, you were expecting a joke about that doctor who got kicked off the United Airlines flight, but you were wrong.

WRONG!!!

Score: 4

I tried some United Airlines Salsa Today *It had a some kick to it.*

Score: 2

United Airlines new motto: "Our prices can't be beat, but you can."

Score: 4

United Airlines service has become absolutely abysmal. I mean, just 16 years ago, they'd fly you right into your office!

Score: 1

United airlines- arrive as a doctor Leave as a patient.

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United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu Beet Salad

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As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities Their first project will be Drag Racing

Score: 4

If United Airlines are ever underbooked will they force people to get on?

Score: 3

Why do people fear flying with United Airlines? Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.

Score: 1

Up next on Showbox... Mayweather vs United Airlines staff.

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How do you eat your United Airlines meal? Through a straw.

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We should stop the jokes about United Airlines At this point we're just dragging a dead horse.

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United Airlines: Enter as a Doc, leave as a patient

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All of these United Airlines jokes Are just plane rude

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What is the official vegetable of United Airlines? Beets

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I was going to make a United Airlines joke, but there's so many.. That it threw me off

Score: 5

What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket

Score: 5

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century. Fox News: Hold my beer.

United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?

Pepsi: For reals?

Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

Score: 2

Pentagon awards new military contract to United Airlines To forcibly remove Assad

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Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options. They will now only sell punch.

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Near death experience with united airlines Well it was more of a fight or flight moment

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I was about to buy cheap tickets on United Airlines, But someone beat me to it

Score: 5

C'mon guys...The United Airlines jokes are too much. Please, leave them in Chicago.

Score: 1

What did the dog say about the United Airlines Employee? Ruff

Score: 3

Knock Knock... United Airlines

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Did you hear that United Airlines has stopped serving beer? But they still offer a nice strong punch.

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I'm pretty sure the list of passengers to be ejected from that United Airlines flight was... ...doctored.

Score: 2

What does United Airlines and The United Center have in common? The cheap seat are nosebleed seats.

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What do you call an Elite Team of United Airlines employees? Steal Your Seat Team Six.

Score: 1

United airlines did get one good thing out of this all. Everyone will volunteer their seat if they're over booked.

Score: 2

A message from Comcast... Thank you United Airlines!

Score: 3

United Airlines has just become the safest international airline Not even terrorists would fly with them anymore

Score: 1

Good News! I heard that the US government will stop enhanced interrogations. On a related note I hear that United Airlines has a new government contract.

Score: 2

The doctor on the United Airlines flight could have avoided being beaten so easily. All he had to do was give the air marshal a Pepsi.

Score: 2

I tried to book cheap tickets on the United Airlines.. But someone beat me to it.

Score: 1

United Airlines does not want you to talk about them So they made a Fight Club

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United Airlines new customer service motto: If you can't beat 'em.... ....BEAT 'EM!

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I'm sorry I told a United Airlines Joke Please don't beat me

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The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided... if someone had offered a Pepsi.

Score: 4

American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race... United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.

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Q: A plane crashed and every single person died except four, Why? A: Because they were flying United Airlines

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"Its ok to hit a man with glasses." - United Airlines

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What's United Airlines most popular in-flight drink? Punch.

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Me and the wife found a cheap pair of tickets with United Airlines and decided it was time to join the Mile High club. In the end all I got was beat off.

Score: 2

Did you hear that United Airlines just updated their motto? "United Airlines: Beating our competition, AND our passengers, since 1926!"

Score: 3

What's united airlines new slogan? Our seats are so comfortable, you won't want to leave.

Score: 2