United Airlines Jokes

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Funniest United Airlines Jokes

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout





EDIT: if i see one more comment that says "knuckle sandwich" i will kidnap all of you and put you on flight 3411

Funny United Airlines Jokes

Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Two guys walk into a bar. Psyche! It's just another United Airlines joke.

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

There was a race to see what company's​ planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

A man went to the United Airlines counter A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

Yo momma's so fat... United airlines employees said " let the goddamn computer choose someone else. I ain't movin that!"

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

So many failed United Airlines jokes... They just don't get off the ground.

Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? "One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties He said they punched his rights out.

UA at it again If you can't beat them, join them.

-English saying

If you can't join them, beat them.

-United Airlines over booking policy

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar... They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets. Because they come pre-beaten.

I love to sleep naked. ...And that's why I am banned from flying united airlines.

My girlfriend has a new fetish... To be treated like a United Airlines customer

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough... I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines? Con Air.

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got? They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor... But it got carried away

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines... But someone already beat me to the punch.

In order for United Airlines to keep their business... They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

When you fly United Airlines they treat you like a King. Rodney King that is.

how do United Airlines treat their passengers? \[Removed\]

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines It was a drag

What food does United Airlines serve? Chinese take out.

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New United Airlines Jokes

United Airlines should be a sponsor of Planned Parenthood for all the takeoffs they abort

What do United Airlines and an Asian restaurant have in common? Chinese take out.

Did you know that United Airlines has the cheapest prices! Therefore, their prices are unbeatable!!!!!!..... but their customers aren't.

So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar... United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"

Delta glances around, spies baby....

Delta: "Hold my beer..."

A massive rabbit aboard a United Airlines flight turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says "Ehhh, what's up Doc?"

United Airlines is being sued for copyright infringement. Killing the Wabbit is a registered trademark of Warner Bros, Inc.

Did you hear the latest United Airlines joke? Passengers thought it was hilarious. Had em rolling in the aisles

Yep, still milking it....

United Airlines United Airlines, now offering Chinese take-out........

The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of... the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

My girlfriend told me to be rough in bed... I told her to ride me like united airlines

Why doesn't Doctor Who travel with United Airlines? Because the tardis is faster.

Yeah, you were expecting a joke about that doctor who got kicked off the United Airlines flight, but you were wrong.

WRONG!!!

I tried some United Airlines Salsa Today *It had a some kick to it.*

United Airlines new motto: "Our prices can't be beat, but you can."

United Airlines service has become absolutely abysmal. I mean, just 16 years ago, they'd fly you right into your office!

United airlines- arrive as a doctor Leave as a patient.

United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu Beet Salad

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities Their first project will be Drag Racing

If United Airlines are ever underbooked will they force people to get on?

Why do people fear flying with United Airlines? Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.

Up next on Showbox... Mayweather vs United Airlines staff.

How do you eat your United Airlines meal? Through a straw.

We should stop the jokes about United Airlines At this point we're just dragging a dead horse.

United Airlines: Enter as a Doc, leave as a patient

All of these United Airlines jokes Are just plane rude

What is the official vegetable of United Airlines? Beets

I was going to make a United Airlines joke, but there's so many.. That it threw me off

What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century. Fox News: Hold my beer.

United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?

Pepsi: For reals?

Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

Pentagon awards new military contract to United Airlines To forcibly remove Assad

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options. They will now only sell punch.

Near death experience with united airlines Well it was more of a fight or flight moment

An apple a day keeps the doctor away You were expecting a jab at United Airlines?

I was about to buy cheap tickets on United Airlines, But someone beat me to it

C'mon guys...The United Airlines jokes are too much. Please, leave them in Chicago.

The past few days summed up Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.

What did the dog say about the United Airlines Employee? Ruff

Knock Knock... United Airlines

Did you hear that United Airlines has stopped serving beer? But they still offer a nice strong punch.

I'm pretty sure the list of passengers to be ejected from that United Airlines flight was... ...doctored.

What does United Airlines and The United Center have in common? The cheap seat are nosebleed seats.

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Long United Airlines Jokes

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard

so she reports it to
the Captain immediately.


“Sir, I think we have a case of
human trafficking!


There is a
very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
We must save the lady !!!

The Captain responds,


Patricia,
I’ve told you before..
We have resigned from *United Airlines*.
This is *Air Force One*
Please learn to respect the American President.

Flight Report

Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"




Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"

A probable case of human trafficking...

A flight attendant on a flight sees a suspicious looking couple on board. So she immediately reports it to the captain.


*"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"*


*"There is a very pretty and graceful female passenger on board who seems rich. She looks quite frightened, and the man she is with looks like a fat, old, redheaded slob. He looks like a lecher - very sullen, mean, and dangerous."*


*"We must try to save this lady, Captain!"*


The Captain sighs, shaking his head in a disappointing manner, and responds,


*"Patricia, I've told you before. We've resigned from United Airlines. This is Air Force One. Please learn to respect the President of the United States."*

A true incident...

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenient travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I will be happy to help you. But I have got to help these folks first; And then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out”.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could listen, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM??”.

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public addressing microphone. “May I have your attention, please?” She began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If any one can help with his identity, please come to gate 14”

With the people behind him in the line laughing hysterically, The man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir but you have to get in line for that, too.

Plainly Earth’s best gate agent ever...

Human Trafficking

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

A crowded united airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

The CEOs of United Airlines and Cincinnati Zoo want to sit down in a bar with the bar owner.

They can't find a seat but there is a booth on a wall with 3 gentleman in it.

The CEO of United Airlines says "watch this", clicks his fingers and a couple of goons come in, and roughly pull the first gentleman out of the seat.

The CEO of Cincinnati Zoo says "that's nothing", clicks his fingers and a rifle shot is heard. The second, larger gentleman slumps forward and dies in his seat.

The bar owner says "haha, you guy are amateurs", clicks his fingers and the bar tender puts a sign up on the wall. The third gentleman leaves the bar along with every other patron.

The two CEOs look at the sign and read:

Proud business associates of Cincinnati Zoo and United Airlines.

In the midst of the pandemic, passengers flying with United Airlines are shocked to see that the middle seats on their flights are booked.

Meanwhile, passengers flying with Frontier Airlines are shocked to see that any seats on their flights are booked.

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard

She reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, toupe-wearing, obnoxious slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!
We must save the lady"!

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before... We no longer work for United Airlines. This is Air Force One. Please learn to respect the American President!!!"

Recent studies show that the natural human "Fight or Flight" response is actually non-existent.

The two are no longer mutually exclusive. Fight must always precede Flight.*



*Studies conducted by the United Airlines research and development team.

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