Thanksgiving Jokes

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Funniest Thanksgiving Jokes

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Funny Thanksgiving Jokes

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner? Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge... but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving Guys! I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers But then I quit cold turkey

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

If you login to Amazon and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky!

Just kidding...

Drugs. She eats drugs.



-Adam Zopf ‏@adamzopf

A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . . Written by my twelve-year-old brother:

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.

I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving ... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me

Political opinions are like dicks.... Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers... you need to quit cold turkey.

After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey... ...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie But some people say that's irrational...

My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner but they refused to have turkey

What do Thanksgiving and the Kurds have in common? ..

​

America loves them and Turkey would prefer they didn't exist.

Looking forward to my traditional 7-course Irish Thanksgiving meal A six pack and a potato

The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after. I quit cold turkey.

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and an EA game? The turkey is stuffed with content and you only have to pay for it once.

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says (√-1)/8

What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer? Ra'men.

I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

"Doctor, I have heard lots of voices that are making me want to kill my family" Doctor - "Yeah that is just Thanksgiving Dinner"

I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Thanksgiving Shopping A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.

I was addicted to thanksgiving leftovers but I quit cold turkey

What do America and Russia have in common? They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner? He lost track of thyme.



Happy Thanksgiving.

Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend? Because they're both roasted

I'm addicted to thanksgiving leftovers. But thankfully I've gotten some help and I'm quitting cold turkey.

I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted. I'm quitting this cold turkey.

It's almost Thanksgiving day... Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.

What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner? Twerky

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterward. Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

I dropped the thanksgiving dinner and caused a geopolitical incident. The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.

Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.

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New Thanksgiving Jokes

Why did this year's Thanksgiving stuffing taste different from last year's? The chef didn't have enough thyme

Hey guys it’s no nut November... Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

As of 2019, Trump is the best Thanksgiving president. He let the biggest Turkey off scot free.

A month earlier.

Trump must have never eaten a thanksgiving poutine... Anyone who has could tell you curds and turkey don’t get along.

Thanksgiving is coming up, which means it's time for my whole family to get together and start arguing about the blacks I just want to watch football in peace; I wish they'd shut up about the whole "plasma vs QLED TV" debate.

What do you call the separate table at Thanksgiving covered with pies, cakes, and cookies? Desserted Island

What do you call the table full of pies and cakes at Thanksgiving isolated from all the other foods? The desserted island.

What does your racist uncle have in common with the Ebola virus? They both make Thanksgiving dinner uncomfortable for everyone.

I'm no longer going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm trying to quit cold turkey

My father has a serious problem with Thanksgiving leftovers, he won't stop till they're gone So he quit cold turkey

Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day? Because he’ll impose tariff on Turkey

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

I've been battling my addiction to thanksgiving leftovers for over a decade now. It's hard to quit cold turkey.

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They both know what it’s like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies Everything else is just gravy

A Thanksgiving joke from my uncle Has anyone ever had a turducken?

Yeah I have. I started to push it out, but it ducked right back in

What did the old war veteran say at Thanksgiving dinner? "'Nam 'nam 'nam 'nam."

Guy at work: They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in India, do they? Me: They would if Columbus had stopped to ask for directions...

For $60 you can have Thanksgiving at EA headquarters. For another $2000 they'll unlock the whole buffet.

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin? It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

There was going to be a big thanksgiving dinner in the hood for homeless people and it was canceled . Because the cameras weren't working

What's the best way to quit Thanksgiving cold turkey

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter.

What did the Mexican Physicist have for Thanksgiving Dinner? Torque

Marriage is like Thanksgiving dinner You can make it last, but it gets a little worse every day.

I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers... I gotta cut this cold turkey.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"? Because everything is a steal.

What do people black people eat on Black Friday? Whatever they couldn't finish on Thanksgiving Thursday you racist

What's the worst part about Thanksgiving leftovers? Having to quit cold turkey.

What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal? Smashed potatoes.

After Thanksgiving dinner, I told my wife she should be on a cooking show. Now I'm sleeping on the couch. Worst Cooks in America has decent ratings. Why is she complaining?

My Thanksgiving dinner was almost perfect. All it needed was a little something to make it a bit more moist. That would be gravy.

All Canadians are hipsters because they all celebrated Thanksgiving a month before it was cool.

What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin

Happy Thanksgiving!

We're celebrating Thanksgiving the old fashioned way at my place this year By inviting our neighbors over to eat and then killing them and taking their land

Thanksgiving is here, and I love trigonometry sorry, I went off on a tangent.

Wives are like thanksgiving turkeys.... They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

When political debate comes up this Thanksgiving break and you find someone at the other end of spectrum just say one thing. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

Somebody stole my Thanksgiving turkey... I suspect fowl play

(IT'S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

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Long Thanksgiving Jokes

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

story about a couple who had been happily married for years with one issue

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

Berl in debate with the priest

Around the turn of the century a Polish nobleman cultivated his interest in theology. He heard of a certain Jesuit theologian reputed to be the best debating scholar in all of European Christendom, and by various inducements succeeded in bringing this learned man to his estates. Near the center of the nobleman's vast holdings was a small Jewish village. The prince sent word to the village that there was to be a debate, a learned quarrel concerning theological matters, whose contending participants were to be the newly arrived Jesuit and some Jew from the village. The village was instructed to choose a champion and send him to the castle at the appropriate time.

This instruction was something of a nuisance for the village, but, as always, they thought it best to placate their Polish landholder, and so they set about deciding whom to send. While they were making this decision, another message came from the prince explaining the format of the debate.

The debate would be held, said the prince through his messenger, the traditional manner, with each participant asking a question of the other until one debater was unable to answer. This would end the debate with the asker of the question declared winner and the one who was unable to answer declared loser. Furthermore, said the messenger, the loss would be emphasized, again in the traditional manner, by the prince's axman, who would decapitate the loser.

The villagers apprehended this new message with considerable alarm. Preferring not to risk the head of any villager, even with the possible reward of a decapitated Jesuit, they sent the prince a reply. They conceded the debate, they said: the Jesuit should be declared winner without even a contest.

Soon the prince's messenger reappeared in the village. The prince was determined that there should be a theological spectacular wherein was exhibited the superiority of Christianity to Judaism, and if there could be no civilized debate, then the prince would have to send various emissaries into the village with the purpose of carrying out a slight theological pogrom.

The village was in a hopeless quandary. The elders realized at once that unless someone was sent to debate the Jesuit, they would have more to fear than a single decapitation. But that single decapitation was a certainty: there were no men of learning in the village, no scholars, certainly no theological debaters. But someone would have to go—never to return. The elders set about casting lots among themselves to choose a martyr, but before they finished they were approached by Berl, a poor, ignorant villager who earned his small livelihood mostly through the charity of the village. "I will go," he said.

The elders were astonished, for, as one of them said, "You, Berl, who did not complete even two years of elementary Hebrew school? How could you possibly debate this Jesuit champion?"

"Yes, I know," replied the usually excessively humble but now surprisingly confident Berl, "I did not finish the second year of cheder, but I feel that I can do this."

The elders had a new quandary, another real moral problem. To accept Berl's self-nomination would be to send him to his death. But if not Berl, then who? No one from the village had a chance to prevail in any scholarly debate, and certainly not against such a fierce warrior-scholar as the priest promised to be. And if they sent no one, then the prince's minions would descend upon them all. Finally, after much discussion and even more weeping, they drew upon what little knowledge they had of Jewish law and the greater knowledge they took from fatalistic common sense and agreed that Berl would go. He assumed the task with modest pride.

On the appointed day the entire village went with Berl to the palace of the prince. There they discovered that the formal apparatus of the debate was already in place. At the head of the large hall stood a great wooden chair in which sat the prince. Ahead of him and to his right was a small table, and behind the table sat the Jesuit theologian. Ahead of the prince and to his left was another table with a chair behind it meant for Berl. Between the two debaters' tables stood a giant man, the prince's chief huntsman, and he leaned upon his immense ax.

The sight terrified the villagers and they set up a hushed wailing as they took their positions, standing, at the rear of the hall. Berl went to the chair behind his table.

The prince ordered the debate to begin. Customarily these debates begin with the flipping of a zloty coin, or some similar lot-casting, in order to decide who will ask the first question; but the priest saw at once that his opponent was a thoroughly unlearned man who could not possibly know any serious theology, and even so, the priest believed so firmly in the intellectual triumph of Christianity that he was sure he would prevail over any Jew who debated him, and so he said that he would give to the Jew the chance to ask the first question.

Berl looked into the steely eyes of his opponent and in a small, barely audible voice said, "What does this mean?- '*Ani lo yodea*'?"

Perhaps you do not know what this means, but the Jesuit priest was a master of biblical languages and many other languages as well, and of course he knew that this Hebrew sentence means 'I do not know', and he said at once, "I do not know."

Alas for the priest, the axman knew no Hebrew, and when he heard "I do not know," he enforced the penalty for not knowing the answer to a question, and in a flash the head of the finest Christian theologian in all that part of Europe lay at the feet of the prince.

The prince was aghast. The assembled people, Jews and Christians, were stunned. When the Jews had recovered they ran to the front of the room, hoisted Berl to their shoulders, and made their way home to their village as fast as they could.

Once at home they went directly to the synagogue and offered countless prayers, including one improvised for the occasion, "Words of thanksgiving from those recently delivered from Jesuit theology." Afterward they repaired to the largest room in the village, in the study house, where they drank a little and sang and danced and congratulated Berl endlessly, always complimenting him on the immense subtlety of his question.

At last one of the villagers had celebrated long enough for his curiosity and courage to rise, and he approached Berl, saying, "Berl, you are a great man and your name will live forever; but I would like to ask you, master of the theological interrogation: how did you, a man who never passed through even the second year of cheder, how did you think of such a magnificent question?"

"It is true," said Berl, "that I completed but one year of cheder, but it was in cheder I learned that which saved us today. During that first year, one day the cheder was visited by a very famous man. It was Rabbi Weinstein, from Berlin, who was making a visit to our village to see an old aunt of his. The famous Rabbi Weinstein, the greatest scholar and teacher in Berlin, paid a brief visit to the cheder. When he stopped by me I was trying to read my Hebrew text. There was a sentence I could not translate, and so I said to the great scholar, "Rabbi Weinstein, please, what does this mean-'*Ani lo yodea*? And he said, "I do not know." Today I thought, if even Rabbi Weinstein didn't know, then surely this Jesuit priest does not know."

From: Cohen, T., 2008. *Jokes: Philosophical Thoughts on Joking Matters*. University of Chicago Press. To this joke he adds the following footnote: "This masterpiece was told to me by a master teller, the late Manny Goldman, a man of great wit equaled by his wisdom and kindness."

edit: a phrase was missing and a few other small corrections.

Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

Catholic School

So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.

Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.

The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."

The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."

Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.

The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

At the beach

(When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time. Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...)

Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for clams. We had a nice spot picked out for a bake later in the evening. But as it started to get dark, we had to head back, with no clams at all. On the way, we saw a food vendor set up in the sand, and decided that would be our best bet. So we each ordered a burger.

The lady there reached into a little freezer and pulled out two frozen patties. She raised her left arm, and put one right in her armpit. Then she lowered that arm, raised the right, and put the other patty there. By the time she had the grill ready, both were defrosted and ready to cook.

As we walked away with our burgers, I was grumbling about her method of defrosting our food. My buddy was quiet a moment, then turned to me and said, "Well, just be glad we didn't order the hot dogs."

During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a prejudiced woman.

"We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.

"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant. So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.

"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"

"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

My grandfather was just a boy living in a small town of rural Kentucky

and they didn't have much as way of entertainment except for fishing and hunting with his big shaggy dog, Bear. When he wasn't helping his parents out with chores, he spent most of his summers out in the forests camping with Bear, hunting squirrels and rabbits, or just fishing along the river. He'd wandered a bit further away one day than he normally did, and came across an old monastary with a congregation of friars.

Now, this region of Kentucky wasn't very well off, so what a lot of the small town farmers did was take their goods in to the larger city to sell at farmers markets and to stores. The friars were no exception to this because while they didn't need much money, they did need some to buy food and clothes. When my grandfather came across that old monastary, he'd seen acre after acre of wide open meadows just full of wildflowers of every sort you could imagine. Big yellow flowers, little red and blue speckled flowers, daisies, queen's lace. The fields were alive with bees buzzing and humming birds humming, truly, it was a beautiful, inspiring sight. And out there, scattered throughout the meadows, the friars, each with a big woven basket filled to the brim with boquets they crafted by hand. These were what they would send in to town to be sold.

My great grandfather, that is, my grandpa's dad, worked for a man that lived in the city most of the local farmers would travel to to sell their produce. This man was a baron of sorts; he owned several businesses in town and he was always on the look out for a new business or property to invest in to grow his wealth. His name was Hugh, and he wasnt known for his huge, friendly demeanor. What he was known for was his ruthless and cunning sense of busines. Hugh never let anything get in his way when it came to growing his business. 

A year after my grandpa and Bear met the friars, a reporter came to town to photograph the festival they had every summer in town. This festival was the town's yearly highlight, at least as big a deal as Thanksgiving and nearly as big a deal as Easter and Christmas (which in those days made it a Very Big Deal indeed)! Every year for the festival the friars would supply the most stunning flower arrangements for the town's main street, through which the town would have a small parade with the mayor tossing candies for all the children, and men and women in costumes dancing along to music played by the school's small band. Folk from all around the town would journey in for the day, set up food stalls to sell pies and hot cakes, roast rabbit on toast and spicy squirrel stew. This year the festival was held in even higher anticipation because of the participation of the local fire department. They'd offered to lead the parade with a big red firetruck, and the firemen all dressed up in celebration. 

The fire department's presence was as much for the celebration as it was for safety. The previous year an unfortunate accident had caused a large fire to catch and spread to the forest around the town. Several blocks of the town had been evacuated before the fire was finally contained and put out, but not before some acres of the forest had burned down. But that event had gotten my grandpa's small town on the radar of the big city, and the local paper had decided to feature them in an article this particular summer! 

The festival was a tremendous success! The food was fantastic, the parade was picturesque! The friars flower displays were the highlight of the night, and the photographer made sure to do them as much justice as he could. Truly, they were the talk of the festival, to the point that some weeks later at the next farmers market in the city, the friars sold out of their boquets in the first hour of the morning! Word had spread, pardon the pun, like a fire, and everyone wanted to buy the friars flowers!

Even old Hugh had seen and heard word of the sudden popularity of these boquets and went down to the market to see for himself. He stood, mouth agape, as a crowed massed around the floral displays, pushing to be the next to buy before the flowers were all gone. Much to the dismay of the friars, their newfound popularity lead to incredible new demand. And though they did try to prepare more boquets for the market, they were realy selling more than they'd ever intended. For while the did it for a little money to afford necessiries, for the friars, spreading beauty and peace with their flowers was more than enough in return.

When Hugh saw the potential in the popularity of the flowers the friars grew, his mind immediately started working on a way to turn it to his benefit. He waited for the crowds to finally die down and went to speak to the holy men.

"I'd like to make you an offer," Hugh said. "Your beautiful flowers are the talk of the town. I'd like to help you out by handling all the sales of the flowers for you, for a small cut of the profit! That way, you can focus on growing and creating your wonderful boquets, without worrying about the hassle and bother of coming into the market each week and dealing with the crowds!"

The friars thanked Hugh for his offer, but they explained to him that for them, the boquets were not just a business endeavor, it was their service to the community to spread peace and joy with God's flowers and blessings. And with that, the friars packed up and started the journey back to their monastary.

Well, Hugh was not satisfied at all with that answer, and he came up with a plan. Over the next few weeks he ordered crate after craft of exotic flowers from all around the world. Beautiful flowers from Morocco to France, stunning petals from China to India. Anything colorful and amazing that he could learn about. He set up a large shop just down the road from the Farmer's market where the Friars had their stall, and he called it The Festival Flourist and Fantastic Flowers. At first, the town was abuzz with these new and wonderful flowers, but after a few weeks, as the novelty wore off, the sales declined and soon Hugh's shop was empty. 

For some reason he couldn't figure out, though, the friars were doing as well as ever! Week in and out, lines down the street would stand patiently waiting for the friars flowers. And cunning as he was, Hugh would not rest until he'd made his new business a success. 

A year or so later, my grandpa was on another fishing adventure with Bear, just following allong with stream, sometimes wading through the shallower parts of the water, othertimes dropping in a line and resting in the shade of a tree, when he saw thick, black smoke rising above the forest. Curious as any young boy would be, he set off at a run through the trees, heading towards the smoke. 

When he reached a large open meadow, a devastating sight lay before him: dozens of friars with brooms and small buckets were frantically working through the flower meadows tyring their best to fight thick, hot flames that were scorching along the ground! Some how, all the flower meadows had caught fire, and try as they might, nothing the friars could do was stopping the flames. 

The fire department was evnetually contacted and they made it out to the monastary before too much of the forest had burned down, but sadly all of the flowers in the meadows had been left a charred, ruined mess. For the first time in years, the friars had no flowers to for the town's festival. Full of dismay, they sent word to the mayor that there was nothing they could do to salvage the flower displays for that year's parade, and whispers grew with worry that the festival that year might not live up to the town's hopes. 

It was then that, just by hapenstance, Hugh visited town to meet with the mayor about opening a new business there in town. When he heard about the problems with the fire and the flowers, of course he'd be delighted to supply the town with all the flowers they could need, for a small fee. In the end, I'm afraid that there's no truly happy ending here: the Mayor accepted Hugh's flowers and his flower shop's popularity grew from then on.

But the moral of the story is this, my friends: 

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Chickens are Illuminati

As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do people eat turkey the most? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away from Christmas in the USA. What's on the other side of the world from the USA? Japan. What do Japanese people eat on Christmas? KFC. What is the 3rd letter in KFC? Chicken. Notice how I said 3rd letter; 3rd as in the final side of the triangle. Notice how I have also mentioned chickens 3 times in this theory; 3 sides like 3 sides of a triangle. That makes 3 triangles. When you put 3 triangles together, what do you get? The Tri-force. What is one of the most famous things in the Legend of Zelda? The Tri-force. What do people get mixed up in the Legend of Zelda series? Link and Zelda's names. Link has a triangle hat. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. What animal is found in Hyrule? Chickens. What happens when you attack chickens too much in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and games after that? A bunch of chickens start flying at you and try to kill you. Wake up, America. Our government is run by lizards and chickens are the Illumunati.

A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

**Why did the police arrest the turkey?**
> They suspected fowl play.

**What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?**
> A poultrygeist!

**Why did the turkey cross the road twice?**
> To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

**What key won’t open any door?**
> A turkey!

**If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?**
> Goblet.

**Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?**
> A poul-tree.

**What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?**
>They turn into blueberries.

**What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?**
> Plymouth.

A deeply religious man is on a cruise ship...

All of a sudden, a loud crashing sound is heard, and the ship begins to sink. Everyone runs to the lifeboats and begins escaping the ship. The man however, stays on the ship. All the life boats are gonna but one. A woman is heard yelling
"Quick! Get on the boat! There's room for only one more!"
The man replies "No thank you madam, God will save me."
The lifeboat departs, and everyone is gone but this man. Minutes later, a fishing boat approaches the nearly capsized ship.
"Come on, get down from there! I can help!" the fisherman yells.
"No thank you sir, God will save me." The man replies.
Several minutes later, when the ship is on the verge of being completely underwater, a helicopter arises above it. A ladder is flung down.
"Grab the ladder and climb up!" say the people on the helicopter.
"No thank you, God will save me!" he yells.
"This is your last chance, grab the ladder and climb up!"
The man does not respond, and simply stands there. The helicopter leaves, the ship sinks, and the man dies. He arrives in heaven shortly thereafter. He goes to God and says
"God, I put my faith in you, trusting that you would help me but you simply left me to die!"
God responds:
"My child, on three separate occasions did I give you help, and not once did you take it!"


Old joke from when I was a kid, can't remember where I heard it. On an unrelated note, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving Special

Three guys visit a hooker on Thanksgiving Day.
"How much do you charge?" They ask.
"Thanksgiving Special today only! $10 an inch." She replies.


The first guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "That was $75 well spent!"


The second guy takes his turn and comes back out. "Best $90 I ever spent!"


The third guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "What a great bargain for only $30!"


His comrades laugh and begin to make some implications until he speaks up....


"You guys are the dopes who paid on the way in instead of on the way out!"

Turkey Joke

A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving.

She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks "How may I help you today?"

The woman replies, "I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get bigger".

Without missing a beat the butcher replies, "No, Miss. These turkeys are dead."

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