My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery Slaves are given food and housing.
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?
"More food for me."
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger. I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
Food is like dark humor not every one gets it.
What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.
They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
I was forced to swallow purple food color. I feel violated.
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats
"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
Edit: Wow! Who knew that by posting an original joke I'd get this many upvotes! That's nuts!
What food makes women stop giving blow jobs? Wedding cake
being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job but at least it puts food on the table
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life? A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious
My brother didn't like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Your mom so fat.. Her favorite jewellery is the food chain
Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
Using Tinder when you're horny is like going food shopping when you're hungry. Both lead to unintended obesity.
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia There’s Ethiopian food in America
Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.
I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK But I feel like I've dyed a little inside
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise. Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.
One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...
Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"
I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”
There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great. I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.
My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry So I broke his nose with a coconut.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat? Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum The ex-spearmint was a complete success
What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh? Won ton.
Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring? He dyed.
I got food poisoning today. Not sure who im going to use it on.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong person. Oh wait, that wasn't my waiter
First we discovered TikTok was a Chinese spying app, then we discovered China was putting spyware in the electronics they sell us... And today the fortune cookie in my Chinese food reminded me I needed to buy milk.
Midgets have been having a hard time during this virus, they are struggling to put food on the table
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside
Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .
You want the sausage but not the meat
The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...
It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”
My girlfriend had dinner with Bill Cosby last night He bought the food she covered the drinks.
Back when I was younger, my dad took me to Hooters once... He told me, "The food might suck, but if you get lucky the girls might too."
There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate. I had no beef in that fight.
Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar? Because baggers cant be juicers.
i got a wrong fast food order delivered today with NOTHING in it i wanted mcdonalds but got jack in the box
A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar It sits itself down, but when the bartender saw the sandwich, he said "sorry, but we don't serve food here".
Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “*Use the forks, Luke.*”
At a restaurant...
ME: I'll have the mouse, please.
WAITER: That's mousse, sir.
ME: Never mind then, that would be way too much food
How many doubles does Kim Jong-un has? None, there is not enough food in North Korea for second Kim Jong-un.
Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference? Pay-per plates
Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room
Day 50: Continuing with this process
Day 100: Still feeling okay
Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer The waiter says: "We don't serve food here."
When I was little I drank all my mom's food coloring... I dyed a little inside
I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!
Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side. It was quite a half-assed BBQ.
Am I the only one dying our kids’ food green this Saint Patrick’s Day... ...to acclimate them to eating expired foods a month from now in quarantine?
Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts. It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.
Have you noticed the fast food is tastier lately? Because the food industry workers are finally washing their hands!
Worried about toilet paper shortage? Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.
What do you call food from a restaurant that doubles as a whorehouse? Homade
There was no food at the court hearing Just ice was served
My parents were both 4 feet tall... They struggled to put food on the table.
Grandpa, where did you go to get food when you were young? Well son, I could go to a grocery store with a dollar and come out with a bag of chips and two chocolate bars. But now they have those pesky cameras.
What did the microwave say to the food MmMmMMmmmmMmmmmmmMmmMMmm
My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting... Apparently it only involved food
How do Australian chess players send their food back? "It's stale, mate."
What do you call it when you make asian food in the jungle? Taking a Wok on the wild side.
A cheese burger walks into a bar The bartender shouts "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"
Ahh, grocery shopping
Cashier at Food Lion today: “I’m having a bad day, I dropped a 12 pack of beer on my foot!”
Me: “Was it light beer?”
My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s. Subway here I come...
*at a fancy restaurant* Server: So, how did you find the food sir? Me: It was easy. You put it on a plate and kept the plate right in front of me.
How to prepare duck When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their duck. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
My ex is going thru a hard time so I decided to send her a food package care package... Fed Ex.
Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right. We do have food at home.
The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end I love me a good old custardy battle
What did Layne Staley say when the restaurant wouldn't let him take his food to go? "I'm demanding a box."
What kind of food does a toddler prepare with a sharp knife in the kitchen? Finger food.
My housemate told me he went to the noodle bar and got food poisoning... I was like "Why would you even order that?"
I drank a bottle of food coloring. I dyed a little on the inside.
Mommy where does poo come from
Son: Mommy where does poo come from?/
Mom: Well son we eat food and our bodies take the best bits and then we push out the waste. We call it poo.
Horrified son: What about Tigger?
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders French fries. Bartender replies rudely "We don't serve food here".
I saw a black guy riding a bike yesterday...
Thought it was mine.
Then i checked the garage and it was still there chained up, asking for food
I tried rabbit stew for the first time today. But I found a hare in my food
What do you call a fast food chain run by slaves? Three Guys
Last weekend my wifey asked me to bring her to one of those restaurants where they prepare food in front of you... ... so i brought her to Subway ... since then she hasn’t spoken to me 😥
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside"
So I went home.
What’s an assassins favorite type of food Takeout
A hamburger walks into a bar
The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”
I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.
Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation
i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog.
They told me: "No outside food allowed!"
Dark humor is a lot like food in Venezuela Most people don't get it