Food Jokes

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Funniest Food Jokes

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

Funny Food Jokes

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery Slaves are given food and housing.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger. I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Food is like dark humor not every one gets it.

What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

I was forced to swallow purple food color. I feel violated.

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats "That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

Edit: Wow! Who knew that by posting an original joke I'd get this many upvotes! That's nuts!

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs? Wedding cake

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job but at least it puts food on the table

A black hole walks into a bar A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life? A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious

My brother didn't like jail My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Your mom so fat.. Her favorite jewellery is the food chain

Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Using Tinder when you're horny is like going food shopping when you're hungry. Both lead to unintended obesity.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia There’s Ethiopian food in America

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK But I feel like I've dyed a little inside

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise. Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant... Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.

Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great. I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry So I broke his nose with a coconut.

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New Food Jokes

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong person. Oh wait, that wasn't my waiter

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

Jokes Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .




You want the sausage but not the meat

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “*Use the forks, Luke.*”

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer The waiter says: "We don't serve food here."

When I was little I drank all my mom's food coloring... I dyed a little inside

Worried about toilet paper shortage? Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

What did the microwave say to the food MmMmMMmmmmMmmmmmmMmmMMmm

How to prepare duck When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their duck. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end I love me a good old custardy battle

My housemate told me he went to the noodle bar and got food poisoning... I was like "Why would you even order that?"

I drank a bottle of food coloring. I dyed a little on the inside.

A hamburger walks into a bar The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”

I’ve started a Harry Potter themed food blog. Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today.. I ended up dying inside.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar Bartender says "We don't serve food here."

A hamburger walks into a bar The bartender says "get out,we dont serve food in here"

At dinner a little girl spits out her food ... Mom says, "Now dear, remember the rule is that if something is already in our mouth, we have to swallow."
Dad says, "Oh, really?"
Mom says, "Shut up!"

My mother and father are dwarves All my life they struggled to put food on the table

My mom and dad were both dwarfs All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

DIET DAY 1: I have removed all the bad food from my home. It was delicious.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday The doctor said I was okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I think my waitress is hungry She keeps asking how my food is.

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend. Fed Ex.

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day. I told her, "We already have food in the house".

Disability benefits are really bad at the moment I have a friend who’s a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

I know a joke about food during communism But I think no one will get it

Do you know why they eat snails in France? It's just that they don't like fast food there

Onions make you cry My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes. They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

I got banned from Instagram for posting food pictures Apparently they only want to see the food "Before" you eat it, not "After"

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food I guess you could call it food for thot.

A piece of ham walks into a bar. “We don’t serve food here”, says the bartender.

Both my grandparents were midgets They struggled to put food on the table their whole lives

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches. The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line? Fast food

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?" "Chilly", he replies.

Jail My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

So a sandwich walks into a bar He sits down and asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here”.

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Long Food Jokes

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.


Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."


Curious, Attila did as he asked.


Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.


Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,


"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'

It will be done, says the genie

The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'

It will be done, says the genie

The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear

'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”

Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.

Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"


Dog: "Doin' all right."


Villager: (look of extreme shock)


Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)


Dog: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


Villager: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"


Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."


Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse: "Cool"


Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)


Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)


Horse: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."


Villager: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"


Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost.
"It's all free," Peter replied. "We *are* in heaven, after all."

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"

"It's free!" came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"

"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.

"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. I'm not going to say that, even if they won't give us anything to drink", replied Joe.

They go up and knock on the door, a Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, "yes, how may I help you?".

"Hello, I'm Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink", asked Roger.

"Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won't be breaking our fast until sundown".

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts
and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."


John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."


Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.


The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.


"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."


With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.


Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.


On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.


A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.



The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."


The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.


John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.


Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.


"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."


The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.


They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.


Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.


After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.


John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.


He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.


Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.


Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.


"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."


They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.


John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"


John replies, "There isn't one."

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. You are isolated, and the land is a desert. You will work every day and will get very little in return. It will be harsh, but you will be hardened by it. You will find it hard, but you will call it home.”

The Australians reply “This is so unfair, why do the Canadians get good land and prosperity and we only get the harsh land, the scraps!?”

He replies “They do. But I didn’t tell the Canadians about their neighbours.”

​

Sorry if I offend anyone, this is my first post here.

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

​

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

​

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

​

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!

"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.

"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."

Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"

"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.

The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them.

John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names.

Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed.

They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair.

The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.

A man discovers a strange tradition at a resort

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine.
The man saw toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food.
He went around the whole resort but he only ever found a line for breakfast and for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30.
Confused and hungry, the man found the employee and asked:
“Where’s the lunchline?”

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