Hilarious Marriage Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Marriage Jokes

Score: 20731

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Score: 13025

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Score: 6186

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Score: 1531

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Score: 1093

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.

Score: 974

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.

Score: 940

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Score: 882

Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

Score: 666

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

Score: 542

How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?

Score: 459

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Score: 404

My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Score: 399

Marriage joke My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

Score: 375

The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

Score: 335

Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Score: 236

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Score: 213

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

Score: 197

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 180

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.

Score: 180

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

Score: 171

A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

Score: 167

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead

Score: 164

My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Score: 162

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 141

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 139

How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?

Score: 137

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Score: 133

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

Score: 129

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships

Score: 129

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

Score: 120

THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage 1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

Score: 43

What are the 3 rings involved in marriage? 1) The engagement ring

2) The wedding ring

3) The suffering

Score: 14

A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today... When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?

A liquor license! (read it out loud)

Score: 12

Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful? Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

Score: 11

There are three rings of marriage. The engagement ring.

The wedding ring.

Then the suffering.

Score: 11

Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.

Score: 6

There are 3 rings in a marriage.... Engagement ring. Wedding ring. Suffering.

Score: 6

You get three rings in marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

Score: 5

My marriage is a lot like my whiskey On the rocks

Score: 5

New Marriage Jokes

Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold. Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD

Score: 1

Have you heard about the 3 rings of marriage? 1. The engagement ring

2. The wedding ring

3. The suffering

Score: 0

What's the difference between marriage and a dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Score: 0

After 30 years of marriage I still get excited by the prospect of sleeping with my wife It's crazy that we're still virgins

Score: 0

Before he was wed Sean Connery never let anything touch his genitals except for a razor. He was shaving himself for marriage.

Score: 4

My wife likes to bite her lip trying to look seductive. After 20 years of marriage I finally told her... It's meant to be the bottom one.

Score: 2

What’s the difference between being married and social media news? With news, getting enraged leads to further engagement.

With marriage, getting engaged leads to further enragement.

Score: 1

An accountant is having a bad day Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"

Score: 2

A squash and melon are talking to each other The squash asks for the melons hand in marriage. The melon says, "I'm very sorry, but I cantaloupe."

Score: 2

There's three rings of marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the fingering

Score: 1

In an all out fight between a married couple The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!

The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!

Score: 4

So I play a bit of Yugioh. As some of you might know, there is a card called the Dark Magician Girl. She gets stronger for each boy Dark Magician in the graveyard.

If that isn't a metaphor for marriage, I don't know what is.

Score: 1

Every man has one of me, though i differ in length. Their wives use me after marriage. What am I? Last name.

Score: 2

Baseball fans in Chicago and Boston got married. It's not a same-sox marriage.

Score: 1

Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage

Score: 3

Why is a tornado like a marriage? It all starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose your house.

Score: 2

How are marriage and commiting suicide the same? You are really good at it if you have only had to do it once.

Edit: Joke idea taken from a /r/showerthoughts post.

Score: 5

Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"

Score: 2

Marriage is like a pack of cards In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ ll wish you had clubs and spades.

Score: 2

two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes? The more crass, vulgar, and inappropriate, the better.

Score: 5