Marriage Jokes

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Funniest Marriage Jokes

Funny Marriage Jokes
Score: 20731

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Score: 13025

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Score: 6186

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Score: 1531

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Score: 1093

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.

Score: 974

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.

Score: 940

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.

​

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Score: 882

Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

Score: 666

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

Score: 542

How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?

Score: 459

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Score: 404

My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Score: 399

Marriage joke My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

Score: 375

The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

Score: 335

Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Score: 236

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Score: 213

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

Score: 197

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?


Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.


Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 180

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.

Score: 180

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

Score: 171

A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

Score: 167

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead

Score: 164

My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Score: 162

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 141

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 139

How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?

Score: 137

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Score: 133

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

Score: 129

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships

Score: 129

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had. Mainly when I smiled.

Score: 93

Did you hear that OJ Simpson wants to try marriage again? He says he wants to take another stab at it.

Score: 84

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

Score: 80

My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

Score: 70

My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website, Three years after marriage. That was awkward.

Score: 53

A man and woman go to marriage counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?



Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.



Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 51

My marriage is like a game of cards It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.

Score: 49

How I got out of an abusive marriage I stopped hitting my wife

Score: 38

Marriage is similar to a deck of cards In the beginning you have two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

Score: 34

Marriage is like a game of poker At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade

Score: 33

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New Marriage Jokes

Before he was wed Sean Connery never let anything touch his genitals except for a razor. He was shaving himself for marriage.

Score: 4

Why did Miley Cyrus end her marriage to Liam Hemsworth? They couldn't twerk it out

Score: 6

In an effort to keep the spark in our marriage alive, my wife and I have been going to our favourite restaurant for date nights.... She goes on Fridays and I go on Saturdays.

Score: 4

My marriage is a lot like my whiskey On the rocks

Score: 5

You get three rings in marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

Score: 5

Lord of the rings must be about marriage Because when you put the ring on, you disappear

Score: 3

Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love

Score: 5

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage. He says, "I want to have kids."

Score: 10

There's a lot of give and take in my marriage. I give her my money and she takes my sanity.

Score: 7

My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Score: 19

What fruit has an arranged marriage? A cantaloupe

Score: 8

In an all out fight between a married couple The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!

The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!

Score: 4

Before the marriage Her: Once we get married, I'll share all your problems and stand by you.

Him: But I don't have any problems.

Her: We're not married yet.

Score: 3

Jogging Guy 1: The doctor told me I had to jog 5 mile per day to save my marriage.

Guy 2: Did it work?

Guy 1: No, one day I only jogged 3 miles, came home and caught the doctor with my wife.

Score: 4

My parents always told me as a kid "you can look, but you can't touch". I had no idea they were preparing me for marriage.

Score: 3

Marriage ceremonies are a lot shorter in Texas Because the wife doesn't have to change her surname.

Score: 17

My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin' better!

EDIT: You see, it's funny 'cause marriage is terrible.

Score: 31

My parents are celebrating 27 years of marriage I asked my dad how it felt, and he replied "It's felt like five minutes.... underwater"

Score: 9

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes I don't know how they afford it though.

Dogs are expensive.

Score: 3

Marriage is like a hurricane It starts off with all the sucking and blowing... And then you lose your house!

Score: 3

There were three rings in OJ Simpson's marriage. First, they had the engagement ring. After that, they had the wedding ring. And finally, there was the murdering.

Score: 7

Will you marry me - a marriage proposal. Will, you , marry , me - A foursome proposal.

Score: 11

What's the difference between marriage and wife? After 20 years marriage still sucks

Score: 5

I came up with this one about 2 years ago A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a marriage, on the rocks." The bartender says "you better keep comin' here then!"

Score: 4

Why is the bride on the left in a wedding ceremony? Because after the marriage she is always right.

Score: 3

My marriage is based on trust. And that trust is based in the Cayman Islands.

Score: 7

Marriage is like flies on a windowsill... Those on the outside want in and those on the inside want out.

Score: 8

The leading cause of divorce has been found! It's marriage.

Score: 3

I lost everything in my marriage. In the divorce, I lost half of what was left.

Score: 5

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Score: 29

What's a word in English that is both a word and sentence "Prison". Although some may claim it is actually "marriage".

I say same difference.

Score: 4

What's the only word in the English language that is both a word and a sentence? Marriage.

Score: 27

We always teach people not to do drugs because they ruin your life. Yet we celebrate marriage.

Score: 5

I thought it was an open marriage, but my wife still left me for sleeping around. How was I supposed to know that her in-laws were off-limits?

Score: 4

A man, his girl and his nights. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

Score: 4

marriage year In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Score: 8

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

Score: 5

The key to marriage is communication. Don't have any, so you can't fight about what was said.

Score: 5

After getting divorced, I met a girl on a first date


Girl: where were you before?


Me: i was in jail, i just came out after doing 10 years.


Girl: why? What crime did you commit?


Me: I committed a marriage.


** today is my 10th anniversary and i just created this joke**

Score: 3

My wife has a contract to give lectures... It's called a marriage license

Score: 9

DAD Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. I go Tuesdays, she goes Fridays.'

Score: 4

What do a hurricane and a marriage have in common? They both start with a lot of blowing, then you lose your house

Score: 3

Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful? Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

Score: 11

When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... She said: 'Oh, two or three'.

Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 26

Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

Score: 14

Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage

Score: 3

Marriage and Divorce If men behave after marriage the way they do before it,
half the divorces won’t take place..

On the other hand,

If women behave before marriage the way they do after it,
half the marriages won’t take place

Score: 13

A little boy says "dad I've heard in some parts of africa a man doesn't know his wife until marriage. The dad says...... "Son that happens everywhere."

Score: 18

What do they call divorce in India? Re-arranged marriage

Score: 7

Marriage jokes A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’ Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

Score: 3

What can turn a fox into an elephant? A marriage certificate.

Score: 7

Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.

Score: 6

Yeah It is Result of Marriage Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

Score: 5

They released a new study on marriage It's the number one cause of divorce

Score: 3

What's the point of having a third party to fix your marriage problems... Obviously throwing the first two didn't work

Score: 8

Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"

Score: 2

What's your favorite "cute" joke? I.e. jokes that may make you laugh, but make you say "Awww" even more. The punchline is not shocking or hilarious, but cute.

E.g. The Confucius saying: Marriage like poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Score: 2

What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty? There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.

Score: 2

two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes? The more crass, vulgar, and inappropriate, the better.

Score: 5

What are the 3 rings involved in marriage? 1) The engagement ring

2) The wedding ring

3) The suffering

Score: 14

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