An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.
I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.
I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
The king asks a commoner...
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a spade
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"
Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.
My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.
A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.
My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead
My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.
When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.
How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?
In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage
1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.
How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend? “Marriage, you wanna?”
My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
What are the similarities between a tornado and marriage? They both start off with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.
What are the 3 rings involved in marriage?
1) The engagement ring
2) The wedding ring
3) The suffering
A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful? Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.
Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage. He says, "I want to have kids."
Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.
Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold. Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD
Have you heard about the 3 rings of marriage?
1. The engagement ring
2. The wedding ring
3. The suffering
What's the difference between marriage and a dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
After 30 years of marriage I still get excited by the prospect of sleeping with my wife It's crazy that we're still virgins
Before he was wed Sean Connery never let anything touch his genitals except for a razor. He was shaving himself for marriage.
My wife likes to bite her lip trying to look seductive. After 20 years of marriage I finally told her... It's meant to be the bottom one.
My marriage is a lot like my whiskey On the rocks
You get three rings in marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering
What’s the difference between being married and social media news?
With news, getting enraged leads to further engagement.
With marriage, getting engaged leads to further enragement.
An accountant is having a bad day
Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"
A typical Single-cells' marriage counseling Same old story we've grown apart, says one
Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love
A squash and melon are talking to each other The squash asks for the melons hand in marriage. The melon says, "I'm very sorry, but I cantaloupe."
There's three rings of marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the fingering
There are 3 rings in a marriage.... Engagement ring. Wedding ring. Suffering.
So I play a bit of Yugioh.
As some of you might know, there is a card called the Dark Magician Girl. She gets stronger for each boy Dark Magician in the graveyard.
If that isn't a metaphor for marriage, I don't know what is.
Every man has one of me, though i differ in length. Their wives use me after marriage. What am I? Last name.
Baseball fans in Chicago and Boston got married. It's not a same-sox marriage.
Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage
Why is a tornado like a marriage? It all starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose your house.
How are marriage and commiting suicide the same?
You are really good at it if you have only had to do it once.
Edit: Joke idea taken from a /r/showerthoughts post.
Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"
Marriage is like a pack of cards In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ ll wish you had clubs and spades.
two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes? The more crass, vulgar, and inappropriate, the better.