Hilarious Marriage Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Marriage Jokes

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead

My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships

I took my Wife to a marriage counsellor She said she was sick of my Star Wars jokes.
I told the counsellor
Divorce is strong with this one.

Marriage is like a deck of cards You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal "Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

Marriage is like a card game. At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

Marriage Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

Why is a marriage like a hurricane? At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...

Did you hear that OJ Simpson wants to try marriage again? He says he wants to take another stab at it.

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms? Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Marriage is like a deck of cards... In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond and by the end you want a club and a spade

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.

What's the most common marriage proposal? You're what!

Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong.

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa Even his marriage was relative.

New Marriage Jokes

Why is marriage like a three ringed circus ? First you have the engagement ring then you have the wedding ring, finally you have the suffering.

Expiry date A wife to her husband: “Honey,what are you doing?”,
Husband: “I’m reading our marriage certificate.”
Wife:”what for?”
Husband:”I’m looking for the expiry date....”

Marriage is not a word It is a life sentence

Marriage Euchred When you're young and in love,
It's all Hearts and Diamonds...
But in the end, what you're wishing for is a Club,
and a Spade.

There are 3 unwritten rules for a good marriage 1.

2.

3.

good luck!

Like I always say. Marriage is grand. Divorce is a hundred-grand.

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband :Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate His wife asked: What are you looking for?

Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!

This is a total laughable joke and will be over in 2-3 weeks I’m referring to my marriage

Marriage is... Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.. ...You start with two hearts and a diamond, but later in the hand you'll be wishing for a club and a spade.

I will always reject marriage proposal from any girl I don't think I can live with someone with such a poor taste

Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard And the wife shops very hard

Will you marry me is a marriage proposal Will, you, mary, me is a foursome proposal

Marriage is like a deck of cards It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and ends with a Club and a Spade

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart? Pyramid Scheme

What’s the similarity between a Marriage and a Tornado? There’s a lot of sucking and blowing then someone loses the house.

What's the difference between marriage and a dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

In marriage therapy the husband loudly proclaims: "I am married to my best friend!" The husband than leans over to the Therapist and ads covertly: "My wife doesn't know of course."

Marriage is like a deck of cards In the beginning all you need are hearts and diamonds; in the end all you need is a club and a spade.

Marriage changes everything. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Marriage is like a deck of cards It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and finishes with a Club and a Spade.

Marriage is grand Divorce is 20 grand

Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage She's amazing in bed

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour. Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

After five years of marriage I can finally say I know exactly what gets my wife turned on... ...not much, as it turns out.

I asked my mum how much is a couple? "2 or 3 maybe" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.!

My wife and I are ill My ears are clogged and she's lost her voice.

Our marriage has never been stronger.

What does my whiskey and my marriage have in common? Both are on the rocks, because I have a drinking problem

I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three." That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common? It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together I said for god’s sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

Why did the orange fleshed melon have to have a traditional marriage ceremony? Obviously because it Cantelope.

We had a marriage to attend at 8 pm. My wife started applying make up at 6pm The previous day

Where did the two men line up to get their marriage certificate? In the LGBT-queue

Donald Trump's marriage will be fine. He only went through a Stormy patch.

Girlfriend is just one word Marriage is a sentence.

Marriage is like borrowing money 12 months with no interest

The odds for a successful marriage are horrible. 50% of them end in divorce. The other 50% end in death.

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common? In the beginning there is lots of sucking and blowing, and in the end you still loose your house

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "

Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.

The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.

All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.

He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.

She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - "whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.

The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.

The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.

The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says "what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"

Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave "but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"

A woman cheats on her Husband.

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realising her mistake, she starts praying to God:

"God, I know I did a bad thing But my marriage is the only thing that makes me happy. Please don't let my husband find out."

She hears a voice from above: Okay my child it will be. But the only condition is, years from now you're going to die by drowning.

The woman agrees. The next years of her life become wonderful. She even wins the lottery and starts a successful business. Forgetting her conversation with God, she books a vacation on a cruise ship. During her cruise, the ship starts sinking. Remembering her faith, she starts praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown a whole ship full of people because of me right?

She hears a familiar voice once again: "Are you kidding me? I've been gathering you whores for years"

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that  she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a  crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never  argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money  I made from selling the dolls.”

After 30 years of marriage...

After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.

Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.

Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.

“How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask.

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

Why I fired my secretary today.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!

"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...

why i fired my secretary

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

“WILLS”

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

“fantastic till the last drop”

went to her husband’s pack of WILLS cigarette and read
“Extra long, king size”

she smiled and said “not bad for their ages”.

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

“Indigo Delhi Hyderabad”,

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

“it’s 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins”.

Mother fainted

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty -- much like your IQ.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with 'a male'.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands him car keys. "That's ok, son. Here's the keys to your Ford Focus". Next, Peter asks the guy second in line, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man sighs and exclaims, "Well...no. I cheated on my wife. But I sincerely regret it!". Peter says, "I understand" and hands him a different set of keys. "Here's the keys to your BMW". The man grabs the keys and walks past the gates. Finally Kevin is up and Peter asks him the same question. "I sure was! 50 years of marriage and I was faithful for every one of them!", said Kevin excitedly. Peter smiles approvingly and says "Wonderful! Here's the keys to your Ferrari". Kevin cheers as he takes the keys and goes into heaven. One day, all three men are sitting at an intersection and the men in the Focus and BMW look over at Kevin crying profusely in his car. The guy in the Focus asks, "Why are you crying? You have the best ride in here". Kevin looks over and says, "I just passed my wife. She had a skateboard".

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

I'm a little drunk right now. But I thought you guys would appreciate this joke I heard when I was a young guy.

There was a man that loved baked beans, but they always gave him horrible gas. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and they eventually married.

A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
He figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg left out in the sun for a week. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like the hammer of Thor crashing to Earth and smelled like a corpse in a outhouse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table started to wilt.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

Marriage jokes

Marriage jokes
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse carriages where still a thing, and cars where just starting to come around... And we went our way to our farm, that was a bit away from town, but half way there, the horse stopped, and it refused to start walking again, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse, looked it directly at his eyes and said "one".

/ - He got up on the carriage again, and the horse started walking, i thought that would be it, but then a few miles ahead, the horse again stopped and refused to keep walking, the horse was not tired, or thirsty or hungry, he was just being stubborn!, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse looked directly at his eyes, and said "TWO", he hopped on and we continued our way, with the horse walking again.

/ - When we where almost at the farm, the horse decided to stop again, and wouldnt walk, your grandpa, he got down, looked the horse directly in its eyes, and as he said THREE! he pulled out his gun and he shot the horse right between the eyes.

/ - For a second i was just stunned, he calmly started walking towards the carriage and i started yelling at him!, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?, NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THE CARRIAGE TO THE FARM?, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE!!!", he looked me directly at my eyes, and said, "one".

A man and his wife are driving home one night...

when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.

"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."
"You must be mistaken officer, I had my seat belt on, see!"
They go back and forth about whether the seat belt was on for a few minutes, getting gradually more heated.

The cop then leans down and says to the woman "Was this man driving without his seat belt?" The woman replies "Officer, after forty years of marriage to this man, I have learned one thing. Never argue with him when he's drunk!"

The Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Marriage Jokes