An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.
I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.
I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
The king asks a commoner...
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a spade
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"
Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.
My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.
A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.
My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead
My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.
When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.
How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?
In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships
My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.
Marriage is like a game of poker
At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade
My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
What are the 3 rings involved in marriage?
1) The engagement ring
2) The wedding ring
3) The suffering
Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.
Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful? Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.
Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage. He says, "I want to have kids."
What's the point of having a third party to fix your marriage problems... Obviously throwing the first two didn't work
Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.
Why did Miley Cyrus end her marriage to Liam Hemsworth? They couldn't twerk it out
Have you heard about the 3 rings of marriage?
1. The engagement ring
2. The wedding ring
3. The suffering
What's the difference between marriage and a dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
After 30 years of marriage I still get excited by the prospect of sleeping with my wife It's crazy that we're still virgins
Before he was wed Sean Connery never let anything touch his genitals except for a razor. He was shaving himself for marriage.
In an effort to keep the spark in our marriage alive, my wife and I have been going to our favourite restaurant for date nights.... She goes on Fridays and I go on Saturdays.
A guy wants to spice up his marriage by trying bondage...
The wife says. "I told you over and over again, no! Why do you keep asking me to tie you up?"
Husband says, " I just can restrain myself!"
My wife likes to bite her lip trying to look seductive. After 20 years of marriage I finally told her... It's meant to be the bottom one.
My marriage is a lot like my whiskey On the rocks
You get three rings in marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering
What’s the difference between being married and social media news?
With news, getting enraged leads to further engagement.
With marriage, getting engaged leads to further enragement.
A typical Single-cells' marriage counseling Same old story we've grown apart, says one
Lord of the rings must be about marriage Because when you put the ring on, you disappear
Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love
In an all out fight between a married couple
The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!
The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!
Marriage is like a sale at a store... When everything gets stale, everything's 50% off
Every man has one of me, though i differ in length. Their wives use me after marriage. What am I? Last name.
Baseball fans in Chicago and Boston got married. It's not a same-sox marriage.
Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage
Why is a tornado like a marriage? It all starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose your house.
They released a new study on marriage It's the number one cause of divorce
Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"
What's your favorite "cute" joke?
I.e. jokes that may make you laugh, but make you say "Awww" even more. The punchline is not shocking or hilarious, but cute.
E.g. The Confucius saying: Marriage like poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty? There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.
two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes? The more crass, vulgar, and inappropriate, the better.