Marriage Jokes

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.

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Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Marriage joke My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?


Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.


Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead

My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships

THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage 1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend? “Marriage, you wanna?”

My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

What are the similarities between a tornado and marriage? They both start off with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

What are the 3 rings involved in marriage? 1) The engagement ring

2) The wedding ring

3) The suffering

Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today... When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?


A liquor license! (read it out loud)

Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful? Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage. He says, "I want to have kids."