Hilarious Marriage Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Marriage Jokes

Score: 20731

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Score: 13025

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Score: 6186

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Score: 1531

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Score: 1093

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.

Score: 974

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.

Score: 940

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Score: 882

Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

Score: 666

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

Score: 542

How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?

Score: 459

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Score: 404

My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Score: 399

Marriage joke My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

Score: 375

The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

Score: 335

Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Score: 236

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Score: 213

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

Score: 197

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 180

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.

Score: 180

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

Score: 171

A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

Score: 167

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife. I swam for the surface instead

Score: 164

My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Score: 162

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 141

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 139

How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?

Score: 137

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Score: 133

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

Score: 129

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common We're both terrible at ending relationships

Score: 129

My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

Score: 70

Marriage is like a game of poker At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade

Score: 33

My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Score: 19

What are the 3 rings involved in marriage? 1) The engagement ring

2) The wedding ring

3) The suffering

Score: 14

Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

Score: 14

Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful? Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

Score: 11

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage. He says, "I want to have kids."

Score: 10

What's the point of having a third party to fix your marriage problems... Obviously throwing the first two didn't work

Score: 8

Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.

Score: 6

Why did Miley Cyrus end her marriage to Liam Hemsworth? They couldn't twerk it out

Score: 6

New Marriage Jokes

Have you heard about the 3 rings of marriage? 1. The engagement ring

2. The wedding ring

3. The suffering

Score: 0

What's the difference between marriage and a dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Score: 0

After 30 years of marriage I still get excited by the prospect of sleeping with my wife It's crazy that we're still virgins

Score: 0

Before he was wed Sean Connery never let anything touch his genitals except for a razor. He was shaving himself for marriage.

Score: 4

In an effort to keep the spark in our marriage alive, my wife and I have been going to our favourite restaurant for date nights.... She goes on Fridays and I go on Saturdays.

Score: 4

A guy wants to spice up his marriage by trying bondage... The wife says. "I told you over and over again, no! Why do you keep asking me to tie you up?"

Husband says, " I just can restrain myself!"

Score: 1

My wife likes to bite her lip trying to look seductive. After 20 years of marriage I finally told her... It's meant to be the bottom one.

Score: 2

My marriage is a lot like my whiskey On the rocks

Score: 5

You get three rings in marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

Score: 5

What’s the difference between being married and social media news? With news, getting enraged leads to further engagement.

With marriage, getting engaged leads to further enragement.

Score: 1

A typical Single-cells' marriage counseling Same old story we've grown apart, says one

Score: 2

Lord of the rings must be about marriage Because when you put the ring on, you disappear

Score: 3

Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love

Score: 5

In an all out fight between a married couple The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!

The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!

Score: 4

Marriage is like a sale at a store... When everything gets stale, everything's 50% off

Score: 1

Every man has one of me, though i differ in length. Their wives use me after marriage. What am I? Last name.

Score: 2

Baseball fans in Chicago and Boston got married. It's not a same-sox marriage.

Score: 1

Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage

Score: 3

Why is a tornado like a marriage? It all starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose your house.

Score: 2

They released a new study on marriage It's the number one cause of divorce

Score: 3

Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"

Score: 2

What's your favorite "cute" joke? I.e. jokes that may make you laugh, but make you say "Awww" even more. The punchline is not shocking or hilarious, but cute.

E.g. The Confucius saying: Marriage like poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Score: 2

What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty? There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.

Score: 2

two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes? The more crass, vulgar, and inappropriate, the better.

Score: 5