Hilarious Soccer Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Soccer Jokes

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!” “Who’s playing?”
“Austria-Hungary”
“Against who?”

My son played soccer in the mud all day. He was a little Messi.

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game? England 8. Ethiopia didn't

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw... No 1-1

Why is women’s soccer so rare? It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

After my son’s soccer game, the goalkeeper invited him and I for a party afterwards. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Professional women's soccer is so boring. Why am I even jerking off to this?

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!" He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

I think I want to take up acting... Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common? They both know how to lay down and fake it.

Britons vs. Americans Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team? It's a Thai

My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game "Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship... Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

Twilight's like soccer Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match. **14 Missed Calls**

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave.... One of them would have known how to dive

Did you hear the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me. He's a keeper.

The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today "It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL

After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards. It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.

My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player... And boy, it's Messi.

Why didn't Cinderella makes the Soccer Team? She kept running away from the ball

If I had to box a professional athlete. I would choose a soccer player.

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA* That's to bad eh, they're parents could'nt afford hockey equipment growing up.

Why do you never see any Asian soccer players? Because when they get a corner they build a shop.

I met a girl at a soccer game... ...I think she's a keeper

Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches? Because no offense.

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team? Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

New Soccer Jokes

Why is India no good at playing soccer ? Every time they get a corner they build a shop on it.

What did J.K. rowling use use for the soccer field? Terf.

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop, but I can't seem to kick the habit.

How do I watch the Mexican soccer match? ESPN Deported

We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19 Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.

What's a philosopher's favorite sports attire? soccer tees.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball? F’yuck

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl

Edit: say*

My daughter is into singing and soccer I hope she becomes a great prima-radona

Why women soccer so rear ? Son to mom : mom why women soccer is so rare ?

Mom replied : Its quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate... It was the father, son and the goalie host...

So I tried to volunteer for my local soccer team, and they asked me “What’s your favourite position?” I’d still like to know how exactly “Doggystyle” wasn’t a valid answer.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board. Just to get the ball rolling.

How do you light up a stadium? With a soccer match.

A trip to Brasil [ An employee returning from his vacation is talking to his boss ]

So, how was your trip to Rio de Janeiro?

*It sucked. The entire country is just soccer and hookers.*

My wife's from Brasil.

*Oh... What team does she play for?*

What did Ancient Israelite Soccer Moms make for their families? Bamanna bread!

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders. They should really invest in a ball...

I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life. Little to no goals.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players? Soccer players pretend to be hurt

NFL players pretend to be innocent in court

Which countries did the Netherlands need to beat to get to the womens soccer final? Most notably Spain but that was about 400 years ago.

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player? For his stamina - mina - eh! eh!

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup? He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

An iconic soccer ball have black and white and is made somewhere in Asia. They did it boys racism is no more...

Why doesn't Thailand have a womans soccer team You know why

I lost 20 pounds Bet an Englishman on a soccer game and choose the wrong team.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands. She's a keeper!

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team? Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited both of us at his place to celebrate. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Neymar told me he was quitting soccer I asked him what he is doing next, he said "Olympics"

I asked him what event he was doing.

He replied "The high dive"

Soccer joke Why doesn't Real Madrid play cricket?

Because cricket has two bails.

What's the most loser soccer club in the world? Toulouse football club.

I told my wife if she cheated on me I would throw fourteen hundred soccer balls at her. She told me I don't have the balls.

I signed up for a soccer team and they asked me my favorite position. I told them missionary style but lately I've had a hard time scoring.

Why are soccer players so artistic? Because every game ends in a DRAW

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery. So I swapped it for a pencil.

Soccer made easy for everyone Why Harry Kane scores with great efficiency and reliability ?

Because he is a hurricane for the enemy defence .

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late. He was getting into his car at the time.

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA? Ronaldo McDonaldo

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players? Basketball players get actual injuries.

An old favorite for this festive day

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, “Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, “I’m so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won’t be able to kick a soccer ball any more.”

The woman asks about her daughter. “Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.”

The doctor says, “Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won’t be able to pick up a racket any more.”

She begins to cry.

“Doctor,” asks the woman, “how long have I been in this coma?”

The doctor replies, “Six months.”

“So what’s the date?” asks the woman.

“April 1st,” says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh “So you were joking then, were you?”

Doctor: “YES… they both died on impact.”

So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high school, everyone knows him, and just calls him "Head". He still has a little trouble fitting in, but everyone likes him. He goes to the school Halloween party as a soccer ball, everyone loves it.

So one day, he's rolling his way to class, and sees a poster for prom coming up. There's a girl in his next class, Jessica, who he would desperately love to ask out for prom, but without a body, he can't dance. He's torn up about it for a week, and finally decides to just do it, and ask her.

"Oh, hey Jessica!"

"Hey, Head!"

"So, I was wondering if uh, you'd like to go to prom with me next week"

"Oh, uh..."

(Head doesn't know that Jessica was already going to prom with some other guy, but Jessica is too nice to say no, so she comes up with a better answer;)

"Sure, Head, I'll go to prom with you on *one* condition; You have to turn yourself into a 10lb tomato."

Head is just crushed. If he only knew how to make himself into a 10lb tomato, he'd go to prom with the girl of his dreams. He spends all week thinking about what to do, and then he remembers his soccer ball costume. Two days before prom, he paints himself bright red and dyes his hair green.

The next day of school, everyone is looking at the disembodied head painted like a tomato a little weirder than usual. Jessica comes up to him and asks "Oh my God! Head! What did you do??"

"Well, Jessica, I turned myself into a 10lb tomato just like you asked! So, we're still on for prom, right?"

Jessica realized how serious he is, and still doesn't want to say no.

"Oh Head, I meant a *real* tomato, silly!"

Head is even more crushed than before. Prom is the next night, and he needs to become a *real* tomato somehow. So that night, he eats all the tomatoes in the house, and goes to sleep with the tomato plants in his mom's garden. He prays until he falls asleep, "Oh god, oh god oh god, won't you make me a *real* tomato?"

The next morning he wakes up, and lo and behold, he's a real tomato! He skips school that day, too excited, and gets himself all ready for prom that night. A few hours before the dance, he rolls himself over to Jessica's house, and tried to knock on the door. Jessica comes out, and looks at the massive tomato kinda funny.

"Hey Jessica! I turned myself into a real tomato just like you asked! We're still on for prom, right?"

Jessica's date pulls up at that very second, and she realizes there's no good way out of it. So she looks at Head, and she looks at her date, and all around her to see if anyone else is watching.

And then she squishes Head, scraps him into the bushes, and goes to have a very nice Prom with her date.

^^^^^.

The moral of the story: *Quit while you're a head*

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.

She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.

She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."

Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"

The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."

The woman begins to cry.

"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"

"About a month," he replies.

"So what's the date?" asks the woman.

"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.

The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"

Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"

Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done
faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."

Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work"

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can
do - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early -
John's down at the soccer field."

Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."

Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult."

The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that
plastic bag!"

Juan, the Mexican Farmer

There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.

And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.

His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.

You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is?

The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan!

Obligatory POPPED MY GOLD CHERRY!

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her some fame as a competitive soccer player.

Darling met and married a handsome veterinarian named Chorus who worked at an African wildlife reserve and, in time, they had a baby boy. Despite the hardships she endured, she demanded that the child also have a unique name but she didn’t want the boy to know it was her idea. She told the father that the boy’s name would be “Love” and that he had to pretend that it was his idea. He reluctantly agreed.

Darling’s soccer career flourished and Chorus became head of pachyderm health at the wildlife reserve. As Love grew, he endured the same ridicule and taunting that his mother did. Love’s father continued to cover for his wife's decision and argued that in time he would learn to appreciate his unique name.

One day, Chorus was at work preparing a tranquilizer gun to work on an elephant when Love burst into his office. Love raged about the misery his name had caused him but Chorus kept up the pretense that the name was his own idea. Love grabbed the tranquilizer gun and shot his father with one of the potent darts before fleeing.

Chorus struggled for life aware that the elephant tranquilizer would kill him in a few short minutes. Darling, returning from a soccer practice found her husband struggling on the floor in his last moments of consciousness. Rushing to him, she held him in her arms and asked what happened? With his last labored breath

Chorus:

> Shot with a dart and you’re to blame, Darling.
>
> You gave Love a bad name.
>
> I played my part while you played your game.
>
> You gave love a bad name.”

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns in the cabin.

Half an hour later, the plane is quiet. The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it. The copilot replies: "I told them: soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside."

A woman is in bed with her lover...

A woman is in bed with her lover when her nine year old son walks in and hides in the closet. Suddenly, the door opens and the woman's husband walks in, and she hides her lover in the closet not knowing her son is there.

"It's dark here" says the boy

"It sure is" says the lover

"I have a soccer ball"

"That's good"

"Would you like to buy it?"

"No thanks"

"My dad is outside"

"OK how much?"

"$250"

With that, the kid sells his soccer ball. A few days later, the boy and the woman's lover meet in the closet again/

"It's dark here"

"It sure is"

"I have sneakers." The lover remembering what happened last time asks,

"How much?"

"$750" And the boy sells his sneakers. The next day his dad comes up to him and says "How about we go outside and play soccer?"

"I can't, dad, I sold the ball and the shoes."

"What? And how much did you sell them for?"

"$1000" says the boy

"That's terrible, son, how could you sell them for that much, when they are only worth $100 tops. You have to go to church and confess" With that, the father takes the boy by his hand and walks him to their church. The boy steps into the confessional and closes the door

"It's dark here" says the boy

"Please, kid, don't start this time"

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.

A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."

"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"

"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.

The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:

“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibition, I will be lenient. Each of you will have a wish before getting the punishment.
You start, Togolese.”

Togolese: “I wish that you tie a pillow to my back, before you flog me.” His wish was fulfilled, but the flogging was so strong that the pillow tore into pieces after 25 lashes.

The Nigerian, upon seeing what had happened to the Togolese wished for two pillows on his back but still, the pillows got torn early.

Now the prince turns to the Ghanaian , and says:

“Now, since I am a big soccer fan and you play such beautiful soccer, I will be specially lenient with you. You have two wishes, but choose well.”

Ghanaian says: “First of all I want 100 lashes”.

The Nigerian and the Togolese look at themselves flabbergasted.

The Sultan replies: “I do not understand it, but we will grant you the double number of lashes! And your second wish?”

Ghanaian: “Tie the Nigerian on my back”

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse

"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...

So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it off to the hospital.

A week later he goes to visit and find Freddy has recovered nicely. In fact, he is playing tennis using the hand he cut off! "Wow," thinks Jimmy, "The marvels of modern medicine!"

Jimmy goes back to Freddy's house the following day and discovers the clumsy Freddy has now cut off his foot with the band saw. Jimmy quickly puts the foot in a bag on ice, and legs his friend and the foot over to the hospital.

A week later he goes to visit and find Freddy has recovered nicely. In fact, he is playing soccer using the foot he cut off! "Wow," thinks Jimmy, "The marvels of modern medicine!"

Jimmy goes to Freddy's house again a week later, and find that idiot, Freddy, has now cut his entire head off with the chop saw! Jimmy quickly puts the head in a bag on ice, and heads back to the hospital.

A week later he goes to visit and... Freddy's dead! He finds a doctor and says "doctor, doctor! What happened to my friend??"

"Well he would have been fine, but some idiot put his head in a bag, and he suffocated!"

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.

When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.

Inside the wardrobe:

Son: Its dark in here, isnt it?

Lover: Yes

Son: Hey, I have a soccer ball

Lover: Nice!

Son: I'm selling it.

Lover: Nice!

Son: Wanna buy it?

Lover: No.

Son: Well, my father is out there, you know...

Lover: All right, I'll buy it. How much?

Son: 400 dollars.

Lover: All right, all right, but dont say anything!

The next week, the same thing happens again and the son and the lover are once again inside the wardrobe:

Son: Hello again. It's dark here, isnt it?

Lover: Yes.

Son: Listen, I have a pair of goalkeeper's gloves, do you want to buy it? I'm selling for 500 dollars.

Lover: All right, all right.....

The next day, the father arrives home and starts talking with his son:

Father: Go get your ball and your gloves and let's play some soccer

Son: Well, I have sold them.

Father: Sold them?? For how much??

Son: 900 dollars

Father: What? I'll take you to church right now, you've got to learn not to take advantage from your school friends.

Arriving at the church, the father points out the confessionary and says: "Go talk to the priest, he will hear what you have to say".

When he got there he starts talking to the priest:

Son: "Its dark here..."

Priest: "Dont you even start, I ain't buying sh*t this time".

Soccer Jokes