Soccer Jokes

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!” “Who’s playing?”
“Austria-Hungary”
“Against who?”

Why do italians love soccer? Because halfway through they get to switch sides

I don't watch soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

My son played soccer in the mud all day. He was a little Messi.

I don't watch Soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to the bar.

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game? England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Why can't Cinderella play soccer? Because she keeps running away from the ball

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw... No 1-1

Why is women’s soccer so rare? It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer? She cant seem to kick anything

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!" He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

I think I want to take up acting... Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

I'm watching TV My grandfather walks by: What's on?
Me: Soccer
Grandfather: Who's playing?
Me: Austria-Hungary
Grandfather:And Against who?

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common? They both know how to lay down and fake it.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at soccer. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot. She's a keeper.

Britons vs. Americans Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team? It's a Thai

My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game "Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!

Why can't Pakistanis play soccer? Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship... Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match? Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player? A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.

What do you call a soccer team everyone hates? Pepsi United

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician? When the referee gets bribed at least someone wins.

You hear about the Egypt vs. Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt ate, Ethiopia didn't.

If a Brazilian soccer team was stuck in a cave they would be out by now... Because they are good at diving

An iconic soccer ball have black and white and is made somewhere in Asia. They did it boys racism is no more...

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players? Soccer players pretend to be hurt

NFL players pretend to be innocent in court

Why couldn't the Thai soccer team kids have SCUBA'ed their way out of the flooded cave complex earlier? Unfortunately, they're not professional soccer players and aren't proficient in the art of diving.

What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer? Brazilian to one....

(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast)