Winter Jokes

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Funniest Winter Jokes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 2395

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics? It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Score: 888

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 494
Funny Winter Jokes
Score: 297

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive. Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Score: 177

Told my boss he needs winter tires Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

Score: 140

We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

Score: 137

Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 119

A tree's first winter must be terrifying. Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

Score: 116

How did the trees feel when winter was finally over Releafed

Score: 107

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

Score: 106

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ? The snow, dumbass.

Score: 89

Finally my winter fat is gone... Now I have spring rolls.

Score: 85

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons... It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

Score: 66

The Winter Olympics. Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Score: 63

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 'Windows frozen; won't open'

Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and *gently* tap edges with hammer'

5 minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'

Score: 55

Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time? Because they're easier to spot

Score: 45

Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

Score: 45

Trump is trying to solve global warming That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

Score: 43

My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling... Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

Score: 40

Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming? Nuclear winter

Score: 32

A Latvian Haiku Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.

Score: 26

My winter fat is gone... ... now I have spring rolls.

Score: 25

I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms.. Turns out i was using a snow globe...

Score: 25

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread? It’s a pita parka.

Score: 24

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall But his winter wasn't so hot...

Score: 22

Why are so many hipsters sweaty? They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

Score: 22

Bees like to stay huddled up together in their hives during the winter Swarm

Score: 19

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this.... I’ve never heard him complain

Score: 18

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop? Now is the winter of our discount tents

Score: 18

Why do bees spend all of winter in the hive? 'Swarm

Score: 17

Winter is like Justin Bieber It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

Score: 17

I saw The Joker working at a winter apparel store. He turned to me and said "You wanna know how I got these scarves?"

Score: 16

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke.

Score: 16

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....? Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

Score: 15

Canada is a lot cooler than the United States Especially during the winter

Score: 13

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?

Score: 12

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... ...His winter though? Absolutely awful.

Score: 12

Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl... ...the crying, the kicking, the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.

Score: 11

I read an article on the hibernation of animals. It's winter resting.

Score: 11

Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

Score: 10

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New Winter Jokes

What do you call a Canadian who puts away their winter clothes in May? An optimist.

Score: 3

After six months of winter all the snow finally melted. Noice

Score: 6

What is the coldest fruit? That would be the winter melon.

Score: 1

I Summer in Maine and Winter in Florida... ...and sometimes I fall in bars.

Score: 2

It's just coming in to winter where I live, so I pitched a tent and put a disco ball inside. Because now is the winter of my disco tent.

Score: 2

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter Isn't that nuts?

Score: 4

Not saying childbirth isn't painful... But have any of you ever sat on a porcelain toilet seat during winter in Ohio?

Score: 3

What do you get in the winter when you bring a knife to The South Sandwich Islands? Cold cuts

Score: 1

What are the four bad things about Soviet agriculture? Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter

Score: 1

Cancel Winter Hoping to hear an announcement at some point today that the remainder of winter has been suspended.

Score: 1

What is the jews’ favourite winter sport? Shlalom.

Score: 3

In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies:
"He will get used to it!"

Score: 3

I was going to take a winter swim But after wading in I got cold feet

Score: 4

Hey baby are you a winter storm Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.

Score: 7

Winter Racism Something about Winter makes Minnesotans super racist. Everyone I know keeps saying when I’m driving I gotta watch out for black guys.

Score: 3

Germany has varied climate Winter is cold
Spring is sunny
Summer is hot
And the Fall is full of soviets

Score: 3

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating Or getting a new tattoo.

Score: 3

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked,

'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,

'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'

Score: 6

Winter is coming... For Blizzard Entertainment.

Score: 3

A normal Winter day in Australia Son: Dad, I'm cold.

Dad: Go stand in a corner.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

Score: 5

fall damage more like winter damage

Score: 4

If Mrs. Ippi bought Virginia a new winter coat. What did Della wear? Idaho. Alaska.

Score: 3

I used to have winter fat But now I have spring rolls

Score: 1

You know what's cooler than going to the beach on a summer day? Going to the beach on a winter day.

Score: 4

Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne is giving a press conference before their voyage to the sun ... Lloyd: By our calculations we will land on the sun in the middle of winter

Harry: oh and we will make sure it’s nighttime for extra safety

Score: 2

In Game of Thrones Winter Came... And everyone left unsatisfied

Score: 3

Why was Fall mad at Winter? Because Winter came too early

Score: 3

What's wrong with Soviet agriculture? Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter

Score: 3

When the Germans went to invade Russia, what did Russia tell them? Winter is coming.

Score: 1

Why do cops love an icy winter morning? So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

Score: 4

Why didn't Winter come? Becsuse Winter fell and couldn't get up.

Score: 2

Game of Thrones Themed: "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya" "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"

"Arya who?"

"Arya gonna let me in? Winter is comin'!"

I'm a new dad ...I think this whole dad joke thing is inevitable.

Score: 4

Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale? It is the winter of discount tents!

Score: 4

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking? It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

Score: 4

Winter precipitation made me laugh today.... Snow joke!!

Score: 2

Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Score: 2

Bees like to stay huddled up in their hive during the winter Swarm

Score: 3

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is." She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

Score: 5

How are ceiling fans and nipples similar? They go up in winter and down in summer.

Score: 3

Why did the other seasons laugh? Because Winter fell.

Score: 1

Russians have General Winter Americans have General Motors

Score: 3

What's the difference between depression and drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter night... One's an internal struggle while the other is an internal snuggle.

Score: 3

I had a first date in the winter and we were standing by a frozen pool. I said, 'Let's walk across that pool together.' I like to test the waters before committing to someone.

Score: 2

Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics? Because they always bring their “eh” Game.

Score: 7

Winter is like the Justin bieber of seasons.. It was kinda cute and exiting when it first started out and now it's a bit obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

Score: 4

What are the only two seasons in Michigan? Winter and road construction.

Score: 3

I lost all my winter fat thanks to this seasonal diet. Now I have spring rolls instead.

Score: 2

Winter is coming The snow is just one mighty fat nut

Score: 1

Give a Newfie a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Newfie to fish, He’ll draw unemployment all winter long.

Score: 4

Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller. Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

Score: 2

Just saw a guy from Helsinki dominate the cross-country skiing event at the Winter Olympics He led the race from start to Finnish.

Score: 1

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics? Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

Score: 10

Winter Olympic sports are... ...basically 15 different styles of sliding.

Score: 1

The difference between Summer Sausage and Winter Sausage Is the seasons.

Score: 1

Russian winter Russian winter has gone from defensive to offensive. After succesfully defending Russia against Napolen and Hitler, it has now decided to attack USA.

Score: 2

Someone stole my winter hat... I guess they just toque it.

Score: 4

I have winter to thank for making me the man I am today. Depressed and 20 pounds overweight.

Score: 4

The winter sales have started everywhere But you know, clothes are 100% off at my place.

Score: 4

The best part of winter Is watching it on TV from California

Score: 8

What's a Redditor's favorite Winter tune? Let it snoo, let it snoo, let it snoo.

Score: 1

-Son, remember that in many ways, life is like a display of fireworks on a clear winter night. -Beautiful?

-Nope. A pure loss, but fun none the less!

Score: 4

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