Winter Jokes

Contents

Funniest Winter Jokes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics? It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Funny Winter Jokes

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive. Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Told my boss he needs winter tires Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A tree's first winter must be terrifying. Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ? The snow, dumbass.

Finally my winter fat is gone... Now I have spring rolls.

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons... It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

The Winter Olympics. Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 'Windows frozen; won't open'

Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and *gently* tap edges with hammer'

5 minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'

Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time? Because they're easier to spot

Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

Trump is trying to solve global warming That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling... Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming? Nuclear winter

A Latvian Haiku Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall But his winter wasn't so hot...

Why are so many hipsters sweaty? They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

Bees like to stay huddled up together in their hives during the winter Swarm

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this.... I’ve never heard him complain

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop? Now is the winter of our discount tents

Why do bees spend all of winter in the hive? 'Swarm

Winter is like Justin Bieber It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

I saw The Joker working at a winter apparel store. He turned to me and said "You wanna know how I got these scarves?"

Man, the Winter Olympics are gonna be slow this year. Because no one will be Russian.

[x-post from r/punny]

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....? Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

Canada is a lot cooler than the United States Especially during the winter

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... ...His winter though? Absolutely awful.

Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl... ...the crying, the kicking, the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals. It's winter resting.

Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics? Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

The best part of winter Is watching it on TV from California

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return? Cancer.

New Winter Jokes

In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies:
"He will get used to it!"

I was going to take a winter swim But after wading in I got cold feet

Hey baby are you a winter storm Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.

Winter Racism Something about Winter makes Minnesotans super racist. Everyone I know keeps saying when I’m driving I gotta watch out for black guys.

Germany has varied climate Winter is cold
Spring is sunny
Summer is hot
And the Fall is full of soviets

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating Or getting a new tattoo.

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked,

'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,

'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'

Winter is coming... For Blizzard Entertainment.

A normal Winter day in Australia Son: Dad, I'm cold.

Dad: Go stand in a corner.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

fall damage more like winter damage

If Mrs. Ippi bought Virginia a new winter coat. What did Della wear? Idaho. Alaska.

I used to have winter fat But now I have spring rolls

You know what's cooler than going to the beach on a summer day? Going to the beach on a winter day.

Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne is giving a press conference before their voyage to the sun ... Lloyd: By our calculations we will land on the sun in the middle of winter

Harry: oh and we will make sure it’s nighttime for extra safety

In Game of Thrones Winter Came... And everyone left unsatisfied

Why was Fall mad at Winter? Because Winter came too early

What's wrong with Soviet agriculture? Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter

When the Germans went to invade Russia, what did Russia tell them? Winter is coming.

Why do cops love an icy winter morning? So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

Why didn't Winter come? Becsuse Winter fell and couldn't get up.

Game of Thrones Themed: "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya" "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"

"Arya who?"

"Arya gonna let me in? Winter is comin'!"

I'm a new dad ...I think this whole dad joke thing is inevitable.

Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale? It is the winter of discount tents!

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking? It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

Winter precipitation made me laugh today.... Snow joke!!

Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Bees like to stay huddled up in their hive during the winter Swarm

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is." She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

How are ceiling fans and nipples similar? They go up in winter and down in summer.

Why did the other seasons laugh? Because Winter fell.

Russians have General Winter Americans have General Motors

What's the difference between depression and drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter night... One's an internal struggle while the other is an internal snuggle.

I had a first date in the winter and we were standing by a frozen pool. I said, 'Let's walk across that pool together.' I like to test the waters before committing to someone.

Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics? Because they always bring their “eh” Game.

Winter is like the Justin bieber of seasons.. It was kinda cute and exiting when it first started out and now it's a bit obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

What are the only two seasons in Michigan? Winter and road construction.

I lost all my winter fat thanks to this seasonal diet. Now I have spring rolls instead.

Winter is coming The snow is just one mighty fat nut

Give a Newfie a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Newfie to fish, He’ll draw unemployment all winter long.

Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller. Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

Just saw a guy from Helsinki dominate the cross-country skiing event at the Winter Olympics He led the race from start to Finnish.

Long Winter Jokes

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be...

The chief replies "It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood"

So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: "It will be a *very* cold winter, go get more wood.

So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: "No, it will be a **very** cold winter, you must get more wood."

This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get's on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him "how cold will the winter be?".

The meteorologist responds "Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year"

The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies "Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!"

Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through the Dinnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

The voice shouts defiantly "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!"

The general sends 100 men to remove the nuisance, there is plenty of gunfire, and then quiet.

After a few minutes the voice crys out loudly once more "One Finnish soldier is better than a *thousand* Soviet soldiers!!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys "It's a trap! There are *two* Finnish soldiers!!"

An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe

Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.


After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"


"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"


"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."


The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"


"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."


"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.


The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

I apologise gratuitously.

Two brothers are off on a winter vacation in a cabin they rented out for the weekend. After some catching up, one of them goes down to the basement to get some drinks, at which point he notices a coffin in the corner.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a hand comes out of it, and drags the entire thing towards the brother.

Shouting, he runs upstairs and tells the brother what happened. Soon after, the coffin bursts through the door. Screaming, they ran to the kitchen and started throwing anything they could find at it. Pots, pans, plates, and even the trash can. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Terrified, they went to the living room and started throwing everything at it. Books, cups, and even coasters. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Out of energy and hope, they barred themselves in the bathroom. The door smashed open and they cried out for help. They threw toilet paper and bottles of shampoo. But the coffin just wouldn't stop. Out of desperation, one of them threw a bottle of cough medicine. The coffin stopped.

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter"

The chief then told his people what the meteorologist said. A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.

"Well," said the meteorologist, "its gonna be worse than we thought this year."

Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.

Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, "how bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "it's gonna be worse than we thought"

The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him "how do you get such accurate information?"

"Well, we have teams of scientists that study patterns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much firewood the native Americans put out"

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"

Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

One of my all-time favorites!

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers lookedadmiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared..

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea, He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist
at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to
be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild...

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

Indian Joke about Weather

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.

After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he called the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood.

A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the
Weather Service. “Does it still look like a cold winter?” asked the
chief.

“It sure does,” replied the meteorologist. “It looks like a very
cold winter.” The chief advised the tribe to gather up every scrap
of wood they could find.

A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service
again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The
meteorologist said, “We’re now forecasting that it will be one of
the coldest winters on record!”

“Really?” said the chief. “How can you be so sure?”

The meteorologist replied, “The natives are collecting wood
like crazy!”

Canadian Blonde Joke.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

“Windows frozen, it won’t open”


Husband texts back:
“Pour boiling water over it inside and outside”


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


“Computer's really screwed up now...”

A man is charged with a felony...

The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:

"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.

Much love,

Father"

The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:

"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"

Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:

"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"

Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions of induction into the order. Before Thomas would be accepted he would need to complete a 3 year probationary period.

During this time, Brother John explained, Thomas would have to strictly adhere to vow of silence and could not communicate in any way with anyone. At the end of each year, Thomas would be allowed to speak only one word. If he passed the 3 year probation satisfactorily, he would be become a full brother of the order.

Thomas, thinking, what is such a small sacrifice for service to the Lord, agreed and began his 3 year probation.

Life is the monastery was calm, and Thomas passed his time with study of the monks and Benedictine order.

Then, about halfway through the first year he ran out of toothpaste. What could he do? He had to suffer with nasty breath and teeth until when the year was up he was allowed to speak his one word for the year:

"Toothpaste" he said. The other brothers understood and brought him some toothpaste.

The second year started well, but he popped a button off his tunic, and it let the cold air of winter in, chilling him to the bone. That was a tough and long winter for Thomas!

Finally the second year was up and his chance to say his one word. Thomas said, "Button." The bothers understood and sewed a new button on his tunic.

During his last year, Thomas thought he was in the home stretch and all would be fine when the buckle on his sandal broke and made a clanking sound whenever he walked. The noise worried Thomas, who was naturally humble and self-conscious.

At last the 3rd year of his probation ended, and he spoke his one word, "Buckle." The bothers understood and fixed the buckle on his sandal.

As it was the end of his probation, Thomas was brought before the council of monks where they reviewed his record.

After some deliberation and whispered discussion, Brother John looked at Thomas and said:

"Well Thomas, we're afraid that you are not a good fit here. We've decided that you have failed your probation."

Thomas was crestfallen. He'd done everything they wanted without error, and took great pleasure in the pious service of the Lord.

Thomas pleaded, "Why?"

Brother John looked at him and said,

"The problem is, all you ever do is complain."