Drummer Jokes

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Funniest Drummer Jokes

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name? Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door? The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

Funny Drummer Jokes

What did the drummer name his children? Anna 1, Anna 2

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful. He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two

I'm sorry...

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two

What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

What did the drummer name his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3

Did you hear about the drummer who decided to name all his daughters the same name? Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Musicians are perverts. The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

Budum dum crash If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name? Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2

What did the drummer name his twin girls? Anna one, Anna two

Did you hear about the drummer that got kicked out of his band for having horrible timing? He got so depressed that he threw himself behind a bus!

What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs? A headbanger

Drummer What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?


Homeless.

What did the drummer call his 2 daughters Anna one, Anna two

The Truth About The Beatles John was the brain

Paul was the heart

George was the spirit

Ringo was the drummer

What d'you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians. A drummer

Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.

How can you tell that the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of *both* sides of his mouth.

How does a drummer call his twin daughters? Ana one, Ana two...

What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? a drummer ...

Dad Joke of the Day What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

What did the drummer call his two daughters Anna 1 Anna 2

How do you get the drummer off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.

Why are drummer jokes so short? So the bassist can understand them.

How can you tell when the stage is level? The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.

How do you get a drummer off your porch? Pay for the pizza.

A drummer got a tattoo of their drum kit... [OC] ...it was very cymbalic

Did you hear the drummer who writes in heiroglyphic? Too many cymbals

Did you hear the names that drummer gave his four daughters? Anna One, Anna Two, Anna Three, Anna Four

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three piece suit? A: The defendant.

Our drummer got in trouble today We told him that there would be repercussions.

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

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New Drummer Jokes

A drummer had twin girls And he named them:

Anna 1

Anna 2

...

I'm addicted to being a bad drummer I wanted to quit but I just couldn't beat it.

My flatmate is a drummer and his practicing has been getting on my nerves I told him that if he didn't stop, there'd be repercussions.

Why didn't the flashy drummer drown? He was flambuoyant

What do you call the Beatles' drummer when in Mexico? Gringo Starr

A drummer walked into a bar... It hurt. Ba dum psshhh.

What do you call a drummer who can’t play in time? A Russian dragon.

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.

A drummer gave birth to quadruplets. She wanted to name them all Anna “How are we goman tell them apart?” asked her husband.
She replied “Anna 1, Anna 2...”

Imagine if I was asked to be a backup for Ringo Starr by the Beatles You may say I'm a drummer but I'm not the only one...

February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer One / two / one two three four!

What did the drummer name his daughters ? Anna 1, Anna 2

When I was a kid I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a drummer And she said "Well honey, you can't do both"

A drummer and his wife have indentical twin daughters. And their names are.. Anna 1
Anna 2

What do the Mexicans call the drummer for the Beatles? Gringo

How many drummer jokes do you know? Must be a zildjian of 'em.

How many drummer jokes are there? At least a Zildjian

What was the last thing the drummer said to the band? Listen to this guys I wrote us a song.


-curtesy of Dave Grohl

What does a drummer use for contraception? Their personality !

What do you call someone hanging around musicians? A drummer

When I was in band, there was this one drummer who just kept on swearing... ... they were always per-cussin'.

Drummer jokes. What does an unsatisfied wife and any band with a drummer have in common? Both would be better off with a battery operated replacement.

What names did the drummer give to his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.

What did the drummer name his 2 daughters? Anna 1 anna 2

What do you call a drummer that bangs his head? A concussionist.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often. In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

How do you get a drummer to get off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza!

What type of cap does a stoned drummer wear? A high hat.

I've heard Al Gore is a great drummer He writes some complex Al Gore rhythms

Maybe 7/8 might get it A drummer made a joke on beats.
4/4 did not get it.

A Spanish guy went to a concert in America. He was arrested for running onto the stage in the middle of a song. He told the police that he thought they wanted him up there because the drummer had shouted his name and then "Two, Three!" before a song.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name? Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 1234...

A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it. It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.

Three musicians and a drummer get on an elevator. True story.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna one... Anna two

I feel sorry for the first drummer of the Beatles. All he got was a stupid street named after him, while Ringo Starr got the love and affection of tens of women.

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your door? The knocking is off rhythm and they don’t know when to come in.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? What did the drummer call his twin daughters?





Anna1, Anna2!

What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet seat? A toilet seat only has to put up with one arsehole at a time.

Did you hear about the band that locked their keys in the tour bus? It took them half an hour to get the drummer out.

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Long Drummer Jokes

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumsticks on his dashboard?
*So he could park in the handicap spot.*

What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
*A pizza can feed a family of four.*

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
*Ten: one to change it, and nine to say how Neil Peart would have done it better*.

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pianist will play a chord, and each of you will have to guess what's that. To make things fair, while one of you is guessing, the other remaining participants will be wearing noise canceling headphones."

The pianist from audience goes first, a chord is played by an orchestra member, and he without second thoughts says "F major." The answer is correct, audience claps, he gets a small prize and goes back to his seat.

Then the singer tries her luck. After hearing the chord, she takes some time to think, but pretty confidently says "C minor." Same as before, audience claps and she leaves the scene with a small prize.

The drummer gets the microphone, the chord is played, and he sits there thinking. After some time, he asks "Could you play it one more time?". The pianist nods and plays the chord again. Drummer starts sweating and keeps scratching his chin. Eventually, after some serious contemplations, he says "Umm... A piano?"

A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. The interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease", or "make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day, or else you'll get dehydrated". As the night goes on, the warnings get more severe. Things like "don't buy alcohol before you're 21, or else you could face severe criminal and civil charges" and "the purchase or use of illegal drugs could land you in jail, and cost you thousands of dollars"

Finally the lead singer has had enough. He pulls the drummer aside and says "listen, you're a great drummer. But you gotta knock it off with the warnings. Is there any way you can stop?"

The drummer says "sorry, I guess it's just in my nature. I'm a repercussionist."

A soldier, a pacifist and a band are on an airplane

Suddenly the plane starts falling from the sky.

The pilot shouts: "There's too much weight! Somebody has to jump!"

The soldier stands up and walks to the door: "It would be an honour to protect all of you."

He jumps.

The airplane keeps falling. Soon the pilot shouts again: "It wasn't enough! Someone else has to jump!"

The pacifist, not wanting to be outdone by the soldier, stands up: "I can still help save us all. Goodbye, cruel world!"

He jumps.

It wasn't enough. Sure enough, the pilot shouts again: "I'm sorry, but we still need at least one more!"

The singer stands up and looks at the guitarist.

They're best friends, and they nod to each other.

The guitarist stands up next to the singer and they shout: "Sacrifices have to be made!"

They grab the drummer and throw him off the plane.

Just some jokes about musicians.

How do you know the stage at a concert is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do floutists eat for breakfast?
Flute loops.

How do you tune three oboeists?
Shoot 2 of them.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, they stand on the ladder holding the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on the night of the performance, the musician accepted the applause and stood in front of the orchestra. He breathed in gently, smiled and looked around and prompted the musicians to begin playing.

They were AWFUL! They didn't play the music like it had been written, they were out of sync, out of tune, the strings were ahead of the wind instruments, the drummer seemed to have a mind of his own and the audience winced in pain.

Embarassed that he had told his dinner guests about the brilliance of North Korean musicians only to be greeted by this performance, Kim Jong Un immediately ordered the musician to be executed.

The guards came, and offered the musician a last meal before his execution. "I'll have a hot curry," said the musician. When it arrived he ate it slowly and carefully - it was the hottest curry he had in a while, and then he sat in the electric chair to await his fate. The guards flipped the switch and smoked filled the room with sparks flying everywhere - but nothing happened - the musician was unharmed.

Impressed by the man surviving his ordeal, Kim Jong Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him. The man thanked the Great Leader and got straight to work writing another piece of music.

"This is it!" the musician thought as he finished crafting what was the most brilliant piece of music he had ever created. The big night came and again he stood in front of the orchestra.

He smiled, nodded and the orchestra began. It was WORSE than the first time. The brass sounded like shrieking cats, the wind instruments sounded like howling wind in a thunderstorm and the pace was too fast.

Angry that he had been embarrassed once again - the Great Leader called for execution. Again, the man asked for curry for his last meal. "This time I'd like extra chilli," he said. So he ate his curry and sat in the electric chair. Again - sparks flew, smoke filled the room - but nothing happened. The man was unharmed.

Amazed that he was still alive, the Great Leader gave him a final chance. "This had better be your best music ever!" he warned the musician.

Humbly the musician thanked him, bowed graciously and left to compose his next piece. For weeks on end he laboured, changing notes, trying new variations, experimented with previously unheard variations to minor keys - until one day he had cracked it.

"This is my masterpiece!" he cried. The night of the performance came - and again the man stood in front of the orchestra, looked around at them with the expression of a man who was sure nothing could go wrong and they began.

It was a COMPLETE DISASTER! They sounded even worse than the first two times. The audience left the Auditorium shrieking and covering their ears. Nothing in the history of humanity had ever sounded that awful.

"That's it!" bellowed the Great Leader - "Let's take you to be executed straight away. No curry, no last meal. This madness must be stopped!" he exclaimed.

They took the musician away, strapped him into the electric chair, turned the voltage up to the maximum and waited.

This time, the sparks filled the room, a small fire started at the base of the chair, the smoke was dark and heavy and the musician started twitching in the chair.

"Finally," thought the great leader, "that should do it." But when the smoke cleared, the man was still alive smiling.

"But we didn't give you any chili," said Kim Jong Un.

"Oh, it had nothing to do with the chilli," the man said, "I'm just a terrible conductor."

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought about asking sheep who was a professional drummer for another band a long time ago. Sheep agrees and says he’ll play.

Finally horse needed to find a bassist. This was difficult because no one he knew played the bass, but one of chicken friends, pig, played the bass so chicken asked his friend if he wanted to join. Pig said sure so pig came to the farm to meet the rest of the band

They played a couple of gigs and got really good over the period of 6 months, so good in fact they were asked by a famous television talk show host if they wanted to come in and perform for the show. The band gladly agreed and got ready to go. The host was a couple of states away so they had to take a plane, and so the day came and they went on the plane early. Turned out the flight was overbooked and so horse said that he could wait for the next one since they were so early. Horse took the next flight a while later and landed after a couple hours. Horse got off of the plane to find people in terror looking at the broadcasted news show in the airport he landed in, so watching the tv he saw that the flight his friends were on had crashed and there were no survivors.

The horse a day later was really depressed so he went to a bar to drink his problems away. When he walked in he sat at the counter and the bartender took a look at him, seeing he was sad. Out of curiosity and wanting to see if he could help, the bartender approached the horse and asked, “Why the long face?”

So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in, the guards ask him what he wants for his last meal.
“A banana,” he says.
He eats his banana, and gets hooked up. The guards flip the switch, but the man survives.
By law, because he survived, he is free to go.

He somehow gets another job as a band director, and is directing when a percussionist messes up. He gets so angry that he beats the drummer to death with his own drumsticks.
Same process, he gets sent to the electric chair. He asks for a banana as his last meal, gets hooked up, and nothing happens.

He once again got hired, and was directing his band when a trumpet player messes up. He then beat the trumpet player to death, and was then sentenced to death by electric chair.
The guards, having recognized the man, asked what his final meal will be.
“A banana,” he said.
“What is it with bananas? You eat a banana and then are unaffected by the electric chair,” the guards ask.
“No, no. I really like bananas, but I’m a bad conductor.”

A man walks into a bar and notices a live band is playing...

After watching them for a bit he leans over to the bartender and says, "Hey, these guys are pretty good, but I can't help noticing the drummer keeps swinging at air with his sticks. Why is he doing that?"

The bartender responds "Yeah, I asked him about that. Apparently his favorite cymbal, that his now deceased father gave to him and on which he learned to play all his best licks, was accidently run over by their van the other day. He can't bring himself to play with a new one yet, but can't stop trying to play the old one when he gets to those parts."

"Oh" said the man, "so it's just a cymbal lick gesture."

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease", or "Make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day, or else you'll get dehydrated". As the night goes on, the warnings get more severe. Things like "Don't buy alcohol before you're 21, or else you could face severe criminal and civil charges" and "The purchase or use of illegal drugs could land you in jail, and cost you thousands of dollars" Finally the lead singer has had enough. He pulls the drummer aside and says "listen, you're a great drummer. But you gotta knock it off with these weird warnings. Is there any way you can stop?"


The drummer says "Sorry, I guess it's just in my nature. I'm a repercussionist."

Musician's Joke: The guitarist of a band walks into their rehearsal room and sees the bassist and the drummer having an argument

Guitarist: "Why are you arguing?"

Bassist: "The drummer detuned one of my strings."

Guitarist: "So what's the problem?"

Bassist: "He won't tell me which one!"

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not intimidating in the slightest.
The two had met in a bar on a clear, starry night in the middle of July. The second Zachary had stepped in his gaze immediately met Angie’s. He approached her without a thought as to what he would say and had taken a seat mere inches from her. She turned to him, a gleam in her eyes as she introduced herself. “Good evening, the name’s Angie. How are you tonight?” A faint seductiveness in her voice sent a tingle down Zachary’s spine as he hurried. “Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?”
Now, Zachary was always a fairly shy man. Despite his appearance he was never one for starting conversation and his fear was only elevated even more by the fact that Angie was by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
The two talked some more throughout the night and eventually grew comfortable with one another. Despite her lifestyle Angie’s favourite genre of music had turned out to be soft-rock, which lo and behold Zachary was an artist in. “Why don’t you come to my concert? I’m playing tomorrow night at the theatre south of town and I’d love to have you there with me.”
Angie had sprung on the offer, not wasting a second as she accepted with a great deal of enthusiasm. She gave him her address and phone number with a small note written on the bottom right: “pick me up at 10” with a heart drawn right next to it.
The next night Angie had waited for her parents to go to bed before going out to wait at her door for Zachary. Luckily, he’d arrived in the nick of time. “I’m on in an hour. If we hurry we can make it about 10 minutes early.”
Once the two had arrived Zachary led Angie backstage, telling her to wait for his call in order to find the best seat in the theatre to watch him play. Not five minutes passed once her phone buzzed, with the message “there’s a seat right in front of the mic stand, I got the set-up crew to reserve it for you.”
Once the concert had begun Zachary stepped up to the mic and looked right into Angie’s eyes while saying “this first song goes out to the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the chance of meeting.”
Throughout the concert Angie’s eyes were glued to Zachary. She could feel herself falling deeper and deeper in love with him as he played, her beautiful, green eyes still stuck to his image long after the final song had been played.
Once backstage Angie had rushed toward her lover, locking lips with him and holding him as close to her as she could. Once the kiss had broken she jumped in place ecstatically, screaming in joy “that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, Zachary! You were incredible out there!”
The drummer could be heard from the snack table, “I’m here, too, you know,” but to no avail.
Zachary led Angie to the side where he held her hands and gazed deeply into her eyes, and said to her:
“Angie, I can’t stay here forever. I’m always travelling and I can’t just leave my life behind.”
Angie’s eyes welled up as she fought to choke back tears.
“Please, don’t cry. We can work around that.”
“How?” Whispered Angie, her throat still sore from crying.
“Come with me! We can travel the world together! You can leave this old melon business behind and we could be together!”
“I...” Angie said to herself.
“What is it?”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Why not?” Now Zachary was starting to cry.
“My father would never approve of it. He wants me to become a farmer just like him to keep the family business running.”
“Angie, please,” begged Zachary. “I love you so much! I don’t want to leave you behind!”
“I’m sorry, my dear,” cried Angie, wiping the tears from her cheek. “I cantaloupe.”

Me and my friends have achieved the level of Led Zeppelin's members in musicianship.

The drummer plays the drums like Jimmy Page, the guitarist plays the guitar like John Bonham, the bassist plays the bass like Robert Plant and I sing like John Paul Jones.

Collection of band jokes:

I used to be in a Jazz band and there were a bunch of band jokes our conductor made, here are the ones I can remember:

How do you know if a drummer is at your door?

He never knows when to come in.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Why's is bad to have a singer for a roommate?

They always lose track of the key.

Yeah so these are the only ones I can remember, my conductor played trombone, like me, and as such tended to rip into the rhythm section a bit.

A band's drummer suddenly dies

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease", or "Make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day, or else you'll get dehydrated". As the night goes on, the warnings get more severe. Things like "Don't buy alcohol before you're 21, or else you could face severe criminal and civil charges" and "The purchase or use of illegal drugs could land you in jail, and cost you thousands of dollars"


Finally the lead singer has had enough. He pulls the drummer aside and says "listen, you're a great drummer. But you gotta knock it off with the warnings. Is there any way you can stop?"

The drummer says "Sorry, I guess it's just in my nature. I'm a repercussionist."

A man walks into a bar and notices a live band is playing...

A man walks into a bar and notices a live band is playing. After watching them for a bit he leans over to the bartender and says, "Hey, these guys are pretty good, but I can't help noticing the drummer keeps swinging at air with his drumsticks. Why is he doing that?"

The bartender responds "Yeah, I asked him about that and he said one of his cymbals was run over by their the van, but he's practiced with it so much he can't stop trying to play it....

So I guess you could say it's kind of a cymbal lick gesture."

Billy Bob declares war with the USA (a little long)

Billy Bob tired of all the liberal propaganda and confederate flag bans decides to form his own country and declares that he's seceding from the U.S. When the U.S government refuses to let him to recede peacefully, he unilaterally declares war on them. Next day he calls up President Obama in the Whitehouse,


Billy Bob: Mr Obama, President of the United states of America. We are tired of all your liberal bullshit and have declared war on the U.S.A. You were warned and now you'll have to face our might. At the moment my neighbors Clyde and Betty have decided to join my cause. We have 4 shotguns, 2 glocks and my 1994 Chevy between us.


Obama: I'll have you know that as of now we are largest and the most powerful military force on the planet, with almost 2million active and reserve personals. Over 8000 armored vehicles, 13000 aircrafts.

(Billy Bob cuts the call, and calls him again the next day)


Billy Bob: Mr Obama, I called my cousin Donny and Eustice. They along with their family have agreed to join our cause and with them they bring their Ford pickup, Eustice uncle's tractor and they brought their own weapons. Between us now we have 8 shotguns, 6 Glocks, 1 AR-15 rifle and 3 shivs for close quarter combat.


Obama: Our Navy is the largest in the world with almost 500 ships which includes 72 submarines many of which are capable of launching nukes and cruise missiles, 21 Aircraft carriers and several landing vessels capable of deploying our finest marines to any part of the world, at a moments notice.


(Billy Bob cuts the call, and calls him again the next day)


Billy Bob: Mr Obama, our other neighbors Jerry Lee and his teenage kids Pervis, Rufus and Wade have joined our cause. Also their cousins are on their way from Alabama and some 14 others have decided to join our army. Now between us we have 20 shotguns, 17glocks, 5 AR-15 rifles, 4 Chevys, 5 Ford trucks, 3 harvesters, 3 tractors and Robbie who is our war drummer because he is speciaal.


Obama: Since you're not giving up on this fruitless pursuit, I've asked Congress to declare war on you. Since this declaration over 200,000 of America's youths have joined the various divisions of the army, airforce, navy and the marines. We currently have almost 4million troops of the joint command on standby if you don't accept our last offer for a peaceful resolution.


(Listening to this Billy Bob pauses for a moment calls all of his fellow rednecks, there is ruckus heard in the background and after a few minutes returns to the phone takes a deep breath,then replies)


Billy Bob: Mr Obama, President of the United States of America. We have decided that its not in our best interest to go to war with your country.


Obama: So have you come to your senses and decided that you were no match for the might of the US military?


Billy Bob: No, Rufus here did the math and says we cannot hold 4million POWs in his barn.

My collection of drummer jokes.

My brother is a drummer and I used these jokes on him all the time. These are a few I remember.

What do you do when a drummer knocks on your door? Pay for the pizza

How do you know if the stage is level? The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth

Why is there a drummer in the band? Who else would sleep with the guitarist's sister?

What did the drummer use as birth contol? His personality

There was once a horse that lived at a lovely little farm in Nebraska

Now, Martin the horse had a huge field to run around in, was given the best hay and oats to eat, and his farmer was really kind to him. But Martin always felt like his life was missing something.

One evening, Martin hears this lovely music coming from the direction of the farmer's house. He trots over to the house, and looks in the window. The farmer has some friends over, and one of the friends is playing a guitar and making the most heartbreakingly beautiful melody flow from his fingers. Martin is entranced, and spends the whole evening watching and listening. He sees that the farmer and all of the guests are moved to tears at the beauty of the sounds coming from that guitar, and is in absolute awe at how someone can create such emotions in his audience.

Martin spends the next several days thinking about what he saw and heard. He would be trotting along in his pasture and feel the music flowing through his veins. He remembered all of the tunes that were played that night, and they would run through his head and his heart all day. There were happy tunes, and songs of longing and love, songs of heartbreak and loss. Martin loved every single one of them.

After about a week of near-constant thought, Martin decided he couldn't keep the music in anymore. He needed to learn how to play the guitar and make other people and animals feel the same things he had been feeling for the past week. He \*had\* to learn. So Martin escaped from his pasture and headed to town. He wandered around the town until he found a music store with a guitar on the sign. Martin walked into the store, and the shocked store owner asked if there was anything he could help with. Martin told him he would like a guitar, but he didn't have any money. The shop owner, shocked at the fact that a horse wanted to play guitar in the first place, asked Martin why he wanted it, and Martin told him about the farmer's guest, and the living room concert he'd heard. He told the store owner how much the music had moved him, and that he can't stop thinking about it. He talked of wanting to play music like that, and help people heal from emotional pain. The shop owner was moved by Martin's impassioned speech, and said he would give Martin a guitar for free if he could watch him play.

Martin was thrilled, and carefully took the new guitar in its case from the shop owner. He then asked if there was anyone that could teach him to play. The shop owner thought about it, and said "Miss Taylor is the best music teacher in the state. Go visit her, and tell her I sent you and said I'd pay for your lessons. Don't make me waste my money, now." Martin thanked him profusely, and carefully worked his way through town until he got to the address the shop keeper gave him. He rang the doorbell, and Miss Taylor answered.

Martin told her about the shopkeeper, and how he desperately wanted to make music. He told her about the guitar, and how he was told that Miss Taylor was the best music teacher in the state. He begged her to help him.

Reluctantly, Miss Taylor agreed. She was not sure she could teach a horse to play a guitar, given the lack of fingers, but Martin was determined. At first, he could barely strum the strings. He made the most horrible sounds, but he kept practicing. He went every single day, rain or shine, and eventually he started getting better. He was able to play Twinkle Twinkle, and Three Blind Mice. With a lot of work, he progressed up to being able to play Ode to Joy, and the sound of that song struck his heart with happiness. He was diligent in his practice, learning how to tune his guitar by ear, and his lessons progressed.

About a year later, Miss Taylor declared that he played the guitar better than any student she'd ever had, and that she couldn't teach him any more. She thought he was a natural, and he could play any song he heard. Martin was overjoyed, and took off to home with his guitar.

Martin took to playing his guitar every chance he got, and eventually the farmer noticed. He was super impressed, and moved by Martin's music. He told Martin that he should start a band, and Martin thought that was a great idea. He asked the farmer how he would find other animals that wanted to join the band though. The farmer thought about it for a bit, and then told Martin he'd put an ad in the paper.

The Farmer was good on his word, and the next day he showed Martin the ad. It said "Horse guitarist looking for farm animals to create band. Apply at Farmer Chester's farm". And so they waited.

Well, about a week passed, and Martin was feeling a bit dejected. Nobody was answering his ad, and he felt like his dream to make music was falling through his fingers, which was really hard on him because he didn't have fingers. He wandered up to the house to tell the farmer that he was giving up on starting a band, and noticed a sheep sitting on the front porch. Martin introduced himself and asked the sheep what he was doing there.

"I saw an ad saying you were looking for farm animals that want to join your band. My name is Johan Sebastien, but you can call me Joe." Martin asked him what instrument he played, and Joe looked down at the ground sheepishly, then told Martin that he didn't know how to play one yet, but he'd always wanted to learn the piano. Martin thought about it for a second, then asked Joe to follow him. They went into town, and Martin rang Miss Taylor's doorbell again. Her door opened, and Martin explained how Joe desperately wanted to learn the piano. Miss Taylor explained that she was worried that the piano might be beyond the ability of a sheep, because it requires fingers. Martin reminded her that a guitar does too, but that he still managed to learn, and be good at it.

Miss Taylor agreed, and told Joe that she would agree to teach him, for free, as long as he came every day and showed progress. Joe bleated out his joy and bounced around, and asked when he could start. Well, Miss Taylor took him in right away, and they sat down at the piano to get started. Martin left them to it, and wandered back home to practice his guitar.

Johan was a natural. At first, he struggled to get his hooves on the right notes, but he kept at it, and was eventually able to play Chopsticks, and then more complicated songs. Miss Taylor was amazed to watch how quickly Johan's hooves moved across the keyboard. He was so quick he could hit several notes at the same time, and with daily lessons and a ton of practice, he could play even the most complicated piano concertos. His rendition of Beethoven's Fur Elise brought her to tears. After a year, she declared that Johan was the best piano student she'd ever had, and the most gifted piano player she'd ever heard. He ran home to Farmer Chester's, and told Martin and the farmer of his completion of lessons. As a graduation gift, Farmer Chester presented Johan with a baby grand piano.

Chester then told them "I think it's time we find you another band member." So another ad went into the paper, and a few weeks later, Martin ran across a cow wandering the yard. "Can I help you", Martin asked?

"Hey there, I saw the ad in the paper, and thought I could join your band. It's a dream of mine to be in a band."

Martin asked what the cow played, and what his name is. "Well, I don't play anything yet, but I heard a trumpet once and thought it was the most beautiful sound ever. I want to learn to play. Oh, and you can call me Mooie Armstrong." Well, Martin was delighted at the new potential band member, but annoyed that he had to keep getting the new members trained up. He admitted that there probably weren't a lot of farm animals out there with musical experience, though. So, off to Miss Taylor's they went, and at this point, Miss Taylor wasn't even surprised. She agreed to train Mooie, and he proved to have a hard time with the trumpet, but eventually he learned. He started out learning Taps, and Hot Cross Buns, and progressed to being able to play Flight of the Bumblebee at double speed. At first, Mooie was able to play Taps in it's most basic form, but after months and months of practice, he was able to make rocks cry from the beauty of it. Eventually, Miss Taylor told him that he was the best trumpet player she had ever heard, and that she could teach him no more.

Mooie went back to the farm, and told everybody the news. Martin, and Johan, and even Farmer Chester were overjoyed, and wondered if they were a complete band. They realized they still needed a drummer, so another ad was placed in the newspaper. A few weeks later, Martin watched a chicken walk up the road to the farm, and was sure they'd just found their drummer. He ran over to greet the chicken, and introduced himself. The chicken responded and said "You can call me Cluck Berry. I heard you needed a drummer, and I really want to learn how to play drums." While Martin was again upset that they didn't have a response to their ad from an already proficient drummer, he realized that everyone that had come to answer their ads turned into virtuosos in their instrument. So he had Cluck fly up onto his back and hang on, and rode through town to Miss Taylor's place. She opened the door, saw the chicken on Martin's back, and just asked "Okay, what instrument?" Cluck told her about how much he wanted to learn drums, and that he'd seen a Genesis concert on TV, and a guy named Phil Collins was such an intense drummer that he could give you goosebumps. Cluck wanted to be just like Phil.

Miss Taylor took to the task. She didn't even have to give Cluck drumsticks, because he had his own. She taught him how to do a single stroke roll, then a double stroke roll, taught him some basic drum beats, and he progressed to learning how to do drum solos from famous bands. He could keep up with Metallica, Rush, and could play any kind of drum you threw at him, from bongos to a timpani. His playing of YYZ by Rush was so masterful that Miss Taylor couldn't believe it. At that point, she declared him ready for the musical world.

The farm animals felt that they were nearly complete as a band. They kept practicing, and realized they needed a bass player, so out went another ad in the newspaper. Farmer Chester bought a bass guitar, and they waited. Within days, a llama showed up at the door. Martin trots over and asks for a name. The llama replies "You can call me Del Rey. I hear you're in need of a bass player." Martin agrees, and asks if Del Rey already knows how to play bass, and she replies that she doesn't yet, but she really wants to learn. So, off they go to Miss Taylor's again with Del Rey and the new bass guitar, and Miss Taylor smiles in joy at the new animal student. They head inside.

At the end of the day, the llama Del Rey comes home to the farm absolutely ecstatic. She gets her bass guitar out, and proudly plays the three notes Miss Taylor taught her. The other animals are thrilled, and declare her the best bass player they'd ever heard, and were amazed she was able to learn so quickly.

Martin was thrilled. They had a guitarist, a bass guitarist, a drummer, a piano player, and a horn expert. He thought they were pretty much a complete band. So they got together in the pasture with their instruments, and started working on their set list. It was then that they ran across a problem. None of them could sing. So they talked to Farmer Chester, and he agreed to one more ad in the newspaper. The ad goes out, and about three weeks later, they find a pig being dropped off at the gate. The farmer dropping him off stormed off in a huff, angry at losing a prized pig, and hopped back into his truck, spinning his tires in his haste to leave.

Martin watched as the pig shook his head in amazement, then went to introduce himself. The pig had the most gorgeous winged eyeliner, and introduced herself to Martin as Amy Swinehouse. Martin asked if Amy was a singer, and she, naturally, answered that she had a little bit of experience singing around the barn, but nothing serious. Martin took her to see Miss Taylor again, and explained that Amy wanted to learn to sing. Of course, Miss Taylor took Amy in, and they got to work.

Miss Taylor recognized the pig's natural talent. She was a natural contralto, and with her unique voice, was quickly able to master songs by Annie Lennox, Adele, and the throaty jazz vocals of Diana Krall. Amy mastered singing jazz, pop, rock, and even turned out to be a talented Mongolian throat singer. Her rendition of Lzzy Hale's part in Song of Women brought Miss Taylor to tears.

Finally, after a couple of years of practice, learning, and putting a band together, Martin and the other animals were ready. They worked on a name for their band. Martin thought Horse Sense was the best name, while Johan insisted that Herd Mentality was better. Cluck wanted the band to be called Family Dinner Bucket because he had a morbid sense of humor, and Del Ray thought they should be called The Spitz. Mooie suggested they be the Mooo-dy Blues, and Amy chose Hambone. They were upset when they learned that some humans had already had a band called The Animals, feeling this was poor representation. Finally, because they realized that they were hoping to bring joy to people, they decided that they'd call themselves Laughing Stock, and the name felt perfect for them.

Farmer Chester agreed to be their booking agent, and they quickly got their first gig at a small country bar in town. By this time, word of their musical prowess had spread around town, so when they arrived to play their first concert, there was a packed house, and all 45 people were moved to happy tears listening to the best musicians the world had ever seen. They quickly got booked at larger and larger venues, but could never break out of the bar scene. Farmer Chester tried booking them into concert halls, and sports arenas, but was always told they weren't the right act. Chester got upset after months of being turned down, and Martin was slowly sinking into depression because they couldn't make it as big as they wanted to.

Finally, after months of being turned down for the big venues, Chester finally got a straight answer as to why. It wasn't because they were farm animals, or because their musical talent was lacking. It turned out that the fact that they were a cover band, with no original material, was their stumbling block. They needed to start writing their own songs. Unfortunately, none of them knew how to do that. They went off to visit Miss Taylor and explained the problem. Well, Miss Taylor's face broke out in a huge grin, and she says "I've been waiting for this day! I've been writing songs for your band for a couple of years now, hoping you'd get famous." She ran and grabbed all of her music, and they went back to the farm together. Miss Taylor's music was amazing. Nothing like it had ever been heard before, a fusion of rock and jazz and classical that combined the talents of the entire band. The lyrics evoked every emotion under the sun. Songs brought overwhelming joy, bittersweet sorrow, love, loss, heartache and a powerful need to be better. The band was just amazed at the music, and got to work at learning the songs. Naturally, they more than did justice to the music that Miss Taylor had created.

After they learned all of the music, Farmer Chester called up a recording studio and got studio time to record their album. The studio was initially hesitant to allow them in, seeing as how they were barnyard animals, but Martin shredded on his guitar in the parking lot, and his display of musical prowess convinced the studio owner to give them a shot. Farmer Chester even agreed to pay a cleaning deposit in case of any "accidents". In any case, they got their album recorded in a single take. The studio execs were impressed at how well the band worked together, and the music moved them to tears. They not only agreed to finance the album, but told the band that they had contacts at all the radio stations, and would get them a concert tour. The band was overjoyed!

The next couple of months were a whirlwind. Their first single hit #1 on the Billboard charts, and every Top 40 station played their music every half hour for weeks. They started playing to packed stadiums, and the lines for autographs stretched for blocks after every concert. The money came pouring in, and they were living their dream. Emails and letters came pouring in from teens that professed their undying love for different band members, and there were several letters from people who said they were brought back from the brink of depression by Laughing Stock's music. Martin and the others felt that they were doing what they were destined to do.

One day, in the middle of their tour, Farmer Chester comes into the band's dressing room after the show and lets them know that they've been invited to go on The Tonight Show in New York. They're to fly out of Las Vegas the next evening, and would spend the day touring New York before their interview. All of the band members immediately start packing up their things, talking over each other about how excited they are about this opportunity. They were going to be on tv!

The next morning, Farmer Chester's phone rings. He answers it, and his face drops as he looks over towards Martin. He thanks the caller, hangs up, and says to Martin, "That was my wife. She just let me know that your mother is very sick and we don't know if she's going to make it. She's asking for you to come home so she can say goodbye."

Martin is so upset. He knows he can't disappoint his band, but he also can't say no to his mother's last wishes. So he tells the band to go ahead without him to New York, and he'd go see his mother, then catch another flight and meet them in New York in time for the interview. He gets on the next flight to Nebraska and goes to see his mom.

In the meantime, the rest of the band, along with Farmer Chester, gets on the plane from Vegas to New York. The flight gets up to altitude, and the band members relax, grab some alcohol, some food, and eventually they pass out from exhaustion on the 3 hour flight. As they're flying over Tennessee, however, a freak storm appears, and the plane is struck by lightning. The engines fail, and the plane goes down. There are no survivors.

While this was happening, Martin was back at the farm. His mother had a serious flu, but it wasn't nearly as bad as she'd made it out to be, and Martin was annoyed that she had dragged him all the way back to the farm because she had the sniffles. He headed out to the airport again after telling his mom that he loved her, and hopped on a plane to New York, with no knowledge of the horrible accident his friends had been in. He arrived in New York and tried calling his bandmates, but couldn't get ahold of anybody. Chester's phone went straight to voicemail. He headed to the hotel he had been told they'd be staying at, and found that the band hadn't checked in yet. So, Martin got up to his room, then called the Late Show studio to find out where his band was.

It was at this point that Martin learned of the plane crash, and that all of his friends, his family, had died in terror.

Martin was devastated. He realized that the only thing that had kept him alive was that his mother was sick. He should have been on that plane too. The guilt crushed him, and he broke down crying on the floor, sobbing into the carpet. When his sobbing stopped, he looked around the room, and noticed the little fridge. Opening it, he found the little alcohol bottles, and emptied all of them. However, since he was a horse, and fairly heavy for his species, the little amount of alcohol did nothing to dull the ache in his heart.

Depressed and guilt-ridden, Martin headed down to the hotel bar and started drinking seriously. After several hours of drinking, he felt the guilt numb itself inside him. Unfortunately, it also numbed his bladder and he was kicked out of the hotel for the resulting mess.

Martin stumbled through the streets of New York, the alcohol dulling his senses, making him stumble into people and streetlamps. He fell several times in back alleys, and the smell of garbage lingered on his once-fine coat. After several hours of this, his mind started to clear, but his overwhelming sadness tried to crush him. He just wanted to end it all. He figured the best way to do that was to drink himself into alcohol poisoning, and he'd just let it happen. So he looked around for a bar close to him, and he finally found this seedy, dark stairwell into a basement bar. Carefully, he took himself down the steps, opened the door, and entered the bar where he planned to end his life.

The bartender looks up from the bar, sees the horse, and asks "Hey there friend. Why the long face?"

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