Hilarious Birthday Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Birthday Jokes

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

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My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

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My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.

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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

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I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

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Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

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My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I've told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

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What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

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Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

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For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

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What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

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I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

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My wife is turning 32 soon.. I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

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I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

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My wife is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

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birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing

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Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis

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My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!

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What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!!

just kidding....I don't know what he got....he hasn't opened it yet

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My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

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TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

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My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24 What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

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I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday. I am now independent

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Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.

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My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

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Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"

Edit: Wooow, first gold, and on my birthday too :D

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My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!" So I got her nothing

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What did the fat kid get for his Birthday? Bullied

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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday. So I got her a bathroom scale.

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The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

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On my 16th birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car but I jumped out of the way.

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New Birthday Jokes

A pair of twins were in a cake shop... They were looking for a birthday cake but just couldn’t decide on a topping.

Twin 1: “I want chocolate”

Twin 2: “I want skittles”

Twin 1: “How about we do Rock Paper Scissors?”

Twin 2: “Why would I want that on my cake?”

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Where do you take an amish kid for their birthday party? Build-A-Barn

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As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

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I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday. This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

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On my birthday my girlfriend decided to wake me up with an oral. Nearly suffocated.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

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So I went to an Antivax kids 3rd birthday. I don’t know why everyone is wearing black and crying tho.

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My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

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I got Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

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After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions. Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.

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I found the most effective way to remember your SO's birthday.. Just forget it once.

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A girl told me today that I had a nice name. "Thanks, I got it for my birthday"

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My GF said that she likes surprises for her birthday. So I didn’t get her anything.

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Woman: I need a couple balloons of Eminem for my sons birthday, it's in an hour. Worker: so you're telling me... I only got one shot?

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I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, and he hasn't even used it. He just sits and cries in his wheelchair.

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I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.

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I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. A friend of mine said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”

“She did,” I replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”

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What do tortillas sing at birthday parties? Fajita jolly good fellow.

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Happy Birthday to anyone who was born today! Sorry your birthday had to be Overshadowed.

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One day Darth Vadar said to Luke Skywalker I know what you got for your birthday.
Luke looked at him and said "how do you know that?"
Darth Vadar replied "I can feel your presents".

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I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present Her face really lit up when she opened it.

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What the boy with no arms got for his birthday? I don't know, he didn't open it yet.

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So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

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My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday. I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.

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Birthday The Judge asks the defendant, “When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?“
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“February 20th, Your Honor.”
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“And what year?”
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“Every year, Your Honor"

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You may not believe that today is Canada's 150th Birthday... It's Trudeau...

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Pet Spider My kid asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!

"No way," I thought, "I can get one much cheaper off the web."

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What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once!

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What did the octogenarian pirate say on his birthday? Aye Matey.

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My wife is turning 32 next Monday. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

“After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

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What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called? A bisontennial.

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My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an escort for his birthday! I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford

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It bought my friend an elephant for his room since it was his birthday... He just said "thank you." I was like, "Don't mention it."

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It's Sigmund Freud's birthday today... I wish him great happenis.

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For my girlfriend's birthday, I threw her a surprise bukkake party. You should have seen her face!

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My dad was going to tell a joke on my birthday... But he left during the delivery.

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I named my first son Ready On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."

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My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced spade.

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Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices We all forgot about it

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My girlfriend said we could have a threesome for my birthday. I was really excited until she told me I could also pick the guy.

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Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for his birthday? He said it was the most violent thing he's ever read.

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So Thor threw a really small surprise party for his Adopted Brother's birthday. It was Loki

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For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises. She really wanted a hummer.

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What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate...

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I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward... ...probably because I wasn't invited...

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet.

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How did the programmer celebrate his birthday? var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];

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I got my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

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My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’ I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

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Before my tenth birthday, my dad told me I was adpoted I said, "wow really?"

He responded, "Yup pack your stuff they will be here in about twenty minutes"

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Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like... Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

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My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.

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I'm going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow... Hopefully the looting isn't over because I forgot to buy a present.

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I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way

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Blind friend and a cheese grater I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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The lesbians next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday... I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said:
"I wanna watch"

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A Spanish magician is at a party He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," POOF.

He disappeared without a tres.

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The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."

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Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"

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Dad just dropped this at my cousin's 8th birthday party...I was the only one to burst out laughing.. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

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