Birthday Jokes

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Funniest Birthday Jokes

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Score: 25751

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

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Funny Birthday Jokes
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My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Score: 16911

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

Score: 15680

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

​

*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

Score: 9138

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.

Score: 7125

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 3621

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

Score: 3132

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Score: 2680

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Score: 2518

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I've told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 2251

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

Score: 2153

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

Score: 1650

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

Score: 1585

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Score: 1158

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

Score: 1034

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

Score: 1034

My wife is turning 32 soon.. I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

Score: 1034

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

Score: 978

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

Score: 881

My wife is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 851

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

Score: 810

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing

Score: 736

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis

Score: 706

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Score: 673

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!!

just kidding....I don't know what he got....he hasn't opened it yet

Score: 642

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

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TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

Score: 553

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it

Score: 420

My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!" So I got her nothing

Score: 234

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game

Score: 43

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like... Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Score: 34

I got Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

Score: 25

So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

Score: 19

As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

Score: 18

My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

Score: 13

So I went to an Antivax kids 3rd birthday. I don’t know why everyone is wearing black and crying tho.

Score: 12

I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.

Score: 10

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New Birthday Jokes

Was talking with family the other day about how to pace yourself when you take shots on your 21st birthday. The secret is to space them out.

...

I recommend at least 6 inches between shots.

Score: 1

My friend had a German themed birthday party. It was boring.

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I went to my friend Ahkmed’s birthday party Let’s just say the pass the parcel got out of hand

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I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but just for half a minute. It's my thirty second birthday after all

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It's my wife's birthday so I've bought her the current must have present, took ages to find and even then had to fight to get it. A 9 pack of toilet roll.

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It's my wife's birthday next week and I've managed to get her this year's must haves! A 4-pack of toilet roll and a bag of Fusilli! She is going to be thrilled!

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What do you call the kids who are invited to Michael Jackson's birthday party? Presents

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What's the WORST thing you could give to a professional athlete?? A Birthday Card!

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What did one nun say to the other on her birthday? Let's celibate!

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A pair of twins were in a cake shop... They were looking for a birthday cake but just couldn’t decide on a topping.

Twin 1: “I want chocolate”

Twin 2: “I want skittles”

Twin 1: “How about we do Rock Paper Scissors?”

Twin 2: “Why would I want that on my cake?”

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What did one terrorist say to another terrorist on his birthday? I hope you have a blast today

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What was Mozart doing for his birthday? Decomposing

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Where do you take an amish kid for their birthday party? Build-A-Barn

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I hand my father his 50th birthday card... He said "You know, one would've been enough..."

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I know every joke there is! I'll guess what joke was made on your birthday! you.

Score: 1

I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday. This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

Score: 9

As i handed my girlfriend her 50th birthday card, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 1

My dad's eyes filled with tears when I handed him his 80th birthday card He looked at me and said "you know, one would've been enough"

Score: 5

On my birthday my girlfriend decided to wake me up with an oral. Nearly suffocated.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

Score: 6

What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party? Happy birthday.

Score: 5

What does a man who has everything get his wife for her birthday? A birthday card.

Score: 1

Stephen Hawking asked Albert Einstein "What do you want for your birthday?". He responded, "You.".

Score: 2

What did the milennial say at his birthday? Yo, these candles are LIT!

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Me talking about my failed birthday party Me: the only person who didn't pull out was the one person I wanted to

Friend: who was that?

Me: my dad

Score: 2

After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions. Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.

Score: 8

Woman: I need a couple balloons of Eminem for my sons birthday, it's in an hour. Worker: so you're telling me... I only got one shot?

Score: 5

Birthday's are like speed [OC] It's not how much you have that kills you, it's the sudden lack of having it.

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What did the little Ethiopian boy get for his 4th birthday? Flowers.

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I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom

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What did the little nerdy kid get for his birthday? Bullied

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On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited... On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited. So I took her to the kitchen :P

Score: 3

A local candle shop burned down... it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday

Score: 1

He says to his wife: "Sleeping with you is like Christmas, Birthday and the 4th of July in a single moment." To which she replies: "Well, each of those dates is just once per year too."

Score: 1

Came up with this one for my brother's birthday: What do you call a retarded Jew during the holocaust?

A baked potato.

Score: 1

My parents surprised me with a car for my eigtheenth birthday. Luckily I dodged it.

Score: 4

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