Birthday Jokes

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

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*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I've told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

My wife is turning 32 soon.. I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

My wife is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!!

just kidding....I don't know what he got....he hasn't opened it yet

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called? A bisontennial.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like... Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

Why didn't Pluto organise his birthday party? He couldn't planet.

My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

So I went to an Antivax kids 3rd birthday. I don’t know why everyone is wearing black and crying tho.

Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"

I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.

I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday. This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions. Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.