Birthday Jokes

Contents

Funniest Birthday Jokes

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Score: 25751

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 22302
Funny Birthday Jokes
Score: 19374

My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Score: 16911

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

Score: 15680

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

​

*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

Score: 9138

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.

Score: 7125

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 3621

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

Score: 3132

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Score: 2680

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Score: 2518

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I've told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 2251

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

Score: 2153

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

Score: 1650

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

Score: 1585

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Score: 1158

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

Score: 1034

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

Score: 1034

My wife is turning 32 soon.. I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

Score: 1034

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

Score: 978

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

Score: 881

My wife is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 851

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

Score: 810

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing

Score: 736

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis

Score: 706

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Score: 673

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!!

just kidding....I don't know what he got....he hasn't opened it yet

Score: 642

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Score: 616

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Score: 593

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

Score: 553

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it

Score: 420

What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called? A bisontennial.

Score: 116

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game

Score: 43

I was always told we should celebrate our mistakes... I guess that’s why my mum throws me a birthday party every year.

Score: 22

As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

Score: 18

My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.

Score: 17

Why didn't Pluto organise his birthday party? He couldn't planet.

Score: 14

My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

Score: 13

So I went to an Antivax kids 3rd birthday. I don’t know why everyone is wearing black and crying tho.

Score: 12

Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"

Score: 10

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New Birthday Jokes

Had my 32nd birthday today Hanging out for my sixty-second birthday when I get a whole minute

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I'm really sad because I didn't get the home assistant I wanted for my birthday OK Google, play despacito

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Today is 4/20 and we all know what that means - Happy birthday, Adolf Hitler!

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I went to my friend Ahkmed’s birthday party Let’s just say the pass the parcel got out of hand

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I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but just for half a minute. It's my thirty second birthday after all

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It's my wife's birthday so I've bought her the current must have present, took ages to find and even then had to fight to get it. A 9 pack of toilet roll.

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It's my wife's birthday next week and I've managed to get her this year's must haves! A 4-pack of toilet roll and a bag of Fusilli! She is going to be thrilled!

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What do you call the kids who are invited to Michael Jackson's birthday party? Presents

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What's the WORST thing you could give to a professional athlete?? A Birthday Card!

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What did one nun say to the other on her birthday? Let's celibate!

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What did one terrorist say to another terrorist on his birthday? I hope you have a blast today

Score: 5

What was Mozart doing for his birthday? Decomposing

Score: 4

I hand my father his 50th birthday card... He said "You know, one would've been enough..."

Score: 4

I know every joke there is! I'll guess what joke was made on your birthday! you.

Score: 1

I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday. This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

Score: 9

As i handed my girlfriend her 50th birthday card, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 1

My dad's eyes filled with tears when I handed him his 80th birthday card He looked at me and said "you know, one would've been enough"

Score: 5

On my birthday my girlfriend decided to wake me up with an oral. Nearly suffocated.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

Score: 6

What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party? Happy birthday.

Score: 5

What does a man who has everything get his wife for her birthday? A birthday card.

Score: 1

Today it's his birthday so what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Happy birthday Eric and sorry for the dark joke

Score: 4

Stephen Hawking asked Albert Einstein "What do you want for your birthday?". He responded, "You.".

Score: 2

What did the milennial say at his birthday? Yo, these candles are LIT!

Score: 1

Francisco Nunez Olivera, the world’s oldest man, died at his home in Spain – a month after celebrating his 113th birthday last Monday night... I shall miss reading his jokes on here...

Score: 1

Me talking about my failed birthday party Me: the only person who didn't pull out was the one person I wanted to

Friend: who was that?

Me: my dad

Score: 2

After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions. Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.

Score: 8

I found the most effective way to remember your SO's birthday.. Just forget it once.

Score: 8

Woman: I need a couple balloons of Eminem for my sons birthday, it's in an hour. Worker: so you're telling me... I only got one shot?

Score: 5

What did Detective Mills get for his birthday? Some head.

Score: 1

Birthday's are like speed [OC] It's not how much you have that kills you, it's the sudden lack of having it.

Score: 2

What did the little Ethiopian boy get for his 4th birthday? Flowers.

Score: 2

Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email? He had no attachments.

Score: 2

I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom

Score: 4

So it's my birthday and my parent sang me happy birthday. Mom: "Happy birthday to you!"

Dad: "Happy birthday to you!"

Mom: "Happy birthday to you!"

Dad: "You were born because your mom sniffed glue."

Score: 1

Why did the student go to the strip club on his 18th birthday? He wanted to study a broad

Score: 5

What did the little nerdy kid get for his birthday? Bullied

Score: 1

I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.

Score: 10

A local candle shop burned down... it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday

Score: 1

Why couldn't the birthday clown make balloon animals for the children? With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.

Score: 7

I got a jigsaw puzzle for my birthday I was so excited I decided to hunker down and finish it as fast as I could. I completed it in only 9 hours, which made me feel great because the box said 5-6 years.

Score: 3

What did the geologist say when he got a rock for his birthday? I appreciate the sediment.

Score: 6

Why was Thor disappointed by his birthday party? Because it was more Loki than he wanted.

Score: 3

My friend told me he's into really twisted women so I took him to a Möbius strip club for his birthday

Score: 3

He says to his wife: "Sleeping with you is like Christmas, Birthday and the 4th of July in a single moment." To which she replies: "Well, each of those dates is just once per year too."

Score: 1

Came up with this one for my brother's birthday: What do you call a retarded Jew during the holocaust?

A baked potato.

Score: 1

What did the janitor get for his birthday? A urinal cake.

Score: 5

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