Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.
How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
"No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.
My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
Hey Baby, are you russian?
Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax
I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.
Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.
Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7? I still love vista, baby
What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
Why is the congress never impeaching president Trump? because republicans insist on carrying a baby to its full term.
Baby are you communist? Because there is an uprising in my lower class
So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ... y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."
I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.
I was told a vasectomy would prevent my wife and I from having a baby... Turns out it just turns the baby black.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's computer Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 8, he replied: "I still love Vista, baby"
A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store...
Out of no where, she starts giggling.
I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."
"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"
She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there". "And over there. And up there. And back there."
Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby
When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:
-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?
The husband replied:
-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it
What do you call a baby elon musk?
How does an astronaut put a baby to sleep? They rock it
What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat? Still Bjorn.
Baby snake asks his mom
“Are we venomous?”
Mom: “yes we are. Why do you ask?”
“I just bit my tongue.”
I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.
What begins with "M" and ends with "arriage" and is a mans favorite thing?
The joke never gets old, just like the baby.
We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?
Did you hear about the baby born with a broken arm? He was trying to hang on until after the wedding.
Mr and Mrs. Wong had an inexplicably white baby They named him Sum Ting Wong because 2 Wongs cannot make a White
What do you do when a baby boomer admits they were wrong? Buy a lottery ticket
I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves. I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.
What did Shakespeare call the baby pig that he kept as a pet? Hamlet
Id love to get mad at my baby goat when she headbutts. But you cant blame her. Shes just a kid.
Why did the mother name her premature baby after her husband? He also came too soon.
Today it's his birthday so what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.
Happy birthday Eric and sorry for the dark joke
The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says “sorry but your wife didn’t make it” The new dad replies “well then bring me the one she made then!”
What does your baby daddy have in common with an unlucky gambler? Neither of them pulled out in time.
Joe sits near a pregnant woman.
Joe: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Joe: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Joe: Then why did you eat it?!
When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.
A lizard walks into the bar... A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
A dental doctor with patient A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby." The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What’s the difference between a bus and a baby? A bus goes from city to city, but a baby goes from titty to titty
Why did the baby oyster refuse to share his toys? He was a little shellfish.
I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant... but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...
If I had a dollar for every millennial that complained about how much we baby boomers took from them... ...I wouldn't need their money to pay for my retirement and healthcare.
What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of coke fall out of a window
What's the difference between a mattress and a highway? A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.
What's the difference between a baby and another baby? I don't know, but let's hope their mothers don't either.
A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan
After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong.
The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.
I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue.
If this post gets 1000 up votes me and my wife will make a baby Just kidding I always pull out of these things
Where do I put the baby I adopted from the Ronald McDonald Orphanage? In M'crib.
I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
What is Dracula's favorite pick-up line? Hey baby, nice jugulars.
I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.
"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*
The carpenter walks up to his boss..
.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"
Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out. So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."
Why aren't there any 'Knock, Knock' jokes about America? 'Cuz freedom rings, baby!
What's worse than two babies in a dumpster? A baby in two dumpsters.
Describe me baby!
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Help stop early childhood obesity It's as easy taking candy from a baby.
Lady is about to have a baby and she's yelling "can't can't can't!.. ...Shouldn't couldn't can't!" the husband is like "no honey you CAN you're strong!" the doctor leans in and says "don't worry about that. She's just having contractions.
PETA sponsored a new hot spot to get money from partying rich and famous animal lovers. It closed after one week. Apparently "Club Baby Seals" wasn't a good name for it.
A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...
His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."
i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!
What does a baby goat order at McDonalds? A Kid's Meal.
What do you call baby sled dogs? Mush puppies
This Joke made me burst out laughing at work, but then I was sad... A baby seal walks into a club...
So, a man with a baby newt on his head walks into a barber's... And says, "Short back and sides, axolotl off the top."
Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend
So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .
They gave me their baby.
Everyone is going crazy over that Kim and Kanye named their baby "North West" I believe she's going straight to the top... And slightly to the left
So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet? My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...
My girlfriend and I decided we aren't ready for a baby yet, so I double-bagged it. It worked; babies cannot breath through two layers of plastic shopping bag.
Where can you find baby dwarfs? At a dwarfanage
What's worse than seven dead babies in a trash can?
One dead baby in seven trash cans.
What's your dead baby joke?
A Canadian and a Saudi Arabian had a baby... They named it Yasir Youbetcha
I went to a party with my girlfriend. I got quite upset because everyone called me a pedo because I was thirty and she was twenty. So finally,I said "That's it baby, we're leaving. I'm not going to let them ruin our tenth anniversary."
Beyonce is pregnant, but it's not Jay-Z's baby... ...it's Destiny's Child.