Baby Jokes

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Funniest Baby Jokes

Funny Baby Jokes
Score: 24708

Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Score: 23865

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.

Score: 10095

How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.

Score: 9828

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.

Score: 8052

Courtesy of my four year old Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

Score: 6965

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

Score: 5690

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Score: 5021

Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

Score: 4314

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 3404

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Score: 3125

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Score: 2165

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

Score: 2097

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Score: 1962

I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Score: 1950

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Score: 1906

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

Score: 1864

Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 1861

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

Score: 1593

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

Score: 1546

why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis

Score: 1533

Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

Score: 1370

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Score: 1261

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax

Score: 1084

I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Score: 1033

Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.

Score: 1029

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs? Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Score: 971

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

Score: 940

I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant Apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

Score: 156

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 119

So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ... y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."

Score: 103

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

Score: 100

I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant. Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 87

What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband? Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Score: 74

What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby? The dead baby can feed a family of four.

Score: 53

How did baby Hitler tie his little shoesies? In little knotsies!

Score: 42

I thought my secret vasectomy would just keep my wife from getting pregnant, but sometimes...... ... it just changes the color of the baby.

Score: 42

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Score: 39

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New Baby Jokes

A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there". "And over there. And up there. And back there."

Score: 4

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

Score: 13

What do you call a baby elon musk? Babylon

I'm sorry!

Score: 4

How does an astronaut put a baby to sleep? They rock it

Score: 4

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat? Still Bjorn.

Score: 31

Baby snake asks his mom “Are we venomous?”

Mom: “yes we are. Why do you ask?”

“I just bit my tongue.”

Score: 5

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

What begins with "M" and ends with "arriage" and is a mans favorite thing? Miscarriage.

The joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Score: 7

We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

Score: 4

Did you hear about the baby born with a broken arm? He was trying to hang on until after the wedding.

Score: 2

Mr and Mrs. Wong had an inexplicably white baby They named him Sum Ting Wong because 2 Wongs cannot make a White

Score: 6

What do you do when a baby boomer admits they were wrong? Buy a lottery ticket

Score: 2

I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves. I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

Score: 4

What did Shakespeare call the baby pig that he kept as a pet? Hamlet

Score: 2

Id love to get mad at my baby goat when she headbutts. But you cant blame her. Shes just a kid.

Score: 4

Why did the mother name her premature baby after her husband? He also came too soon.

Score: 2

Today it's his birthday so what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Happy birthday Eric and sorry for the dark joke

Score: 4

The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says “sorry but your wife didn’t make it” The new dad replies “well then bring me the one she made then!”

Score: 6

What does your baby daddy have in common with an unlucky gambler? Neither of them pulled out in time.

Score: 9

Joe sits near a pregnant woman. Joe: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Joe: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Joe: Then why did you eat it?!

Score: 2

A lizard walks into the bar... A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”

Score: 6

The baby is great. My wife and I just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.

Score: 4

A dental doctor with patient A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby." The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

Score: 2

What’s the difference between a bus and a baby? A bus goes from city to city, but a baby goes from titty to titty

Score: 6

Why did the baby oyster refuse to share his toys? He was a little shellfish.

Score: 7

Why is bread on a baby goose the same as a hollywood movie star? they are both rye on gosling

Score: 2

I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant... but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...

Score: 20

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

Score: 4

If I had a dollar for every millennial that complained about how much we baby boomers took from them... ...I wouldn't need their money to pay for my retirement and healthcare.

Score: 3

You know how to make a dead baby float? 2 scoops of dead baby and a coke....

Score: 14

You gotta love the baby boomers though, they gave us housing To look at

Score: 8

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Score: 37

My wife told me to get a vasectomy to stop her from getting pregnant. But it turns out it just made our baby black.

Score: 11

What's the difference between a baby and another baby? I don't know, but let's hope their mothers don't either.

Score: 32

A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong.

The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.

Score: 3

Went to my first baby shower today... Took five loads on the face at once!!!

Score: 2

Vasectomy misunderstanding She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

Score: 10

If this post gets 1000 up votes me and my wife will make a baby Just kidding I always pull out of these things

Score: 2

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? He was having a mid-life crisis

Score: 5

What did the tissue say to the baby? Just be glad you didnt end up on me

Score: 2

Two melons have a secret love affair... One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."

The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."

Score: 23

Where do I put the baby I adopted from the Ronald McDonald Orphanage? In M'crib.

Score: 2

I got a job at the circus circumcising baby elephants. It pays peanuts, but the tips are huge.

Score: 11

Apparently, getting a vasectomy won't keep your wife from getting pregnant It just makes the baby's skin color black

Score: 3

Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby? They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.

Score: 4

I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby

Score: 28

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby. "Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.

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*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

Score: 3

My Grandfathers joke is so appropriate today. "Do you know where they send all the baby chickens that are orphans and have nowhere else to go?" Well of course they send them to Foster Farms!

Score: 2

The carpenter walks up to his boss.. .. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.

Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Score: 6

How does a Trigonometry teacher appreciate his girlfriend? "Oh baby, you are so (1/cos C)" !!!

Score: 2

Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out. So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."

Score: 3

What did the baker say to the baby lamb who stole his dough? "Oh baby ewe...you got what I knead!"

Score: 7

Help stop early childhood obesity It's as easy taking candy from a baby.

Score: 12

Lady is about to have a baby and she's yelling "can't can't can't!.. ...Shouldn't couldn't can't!" the husband is like "no honey you CAN you're strong!" the doctor leans in and says "don't worry about that. She's just having contractions.

Score: 10

PETA sponsored a new hot spot to get money from partying rich and famous animal lovers. It closed after one week. Apparently "Club Baby Seals" wasn't a good name for it.

Score: 3

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

Score: 14

What does a baby goat order at McDonalds? A Kid's Meal.

Score: 4

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't get any eggs for easter. His secretary asked him: "Does this mean you hate easter now?"

He said: "Nah. I still love easter baby".

*(Reading out loud helps).*

Score: 2

So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet? My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...

Score: 8

Did you hear about the blond who got pregnant? She wasn't sure if the baby was hers!

Score: 20

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