Baby Jokes

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Funniest Baby Jokes

Funny Baby Jokes
Score: 24708

Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Score: 23865

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.

Score: 10095

How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.

Score: 9828

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.

Score: 8052

Courtesy of my four year old Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

Score: 6965

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

Score: 5690

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Score: 5021

Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

Score: 4314

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 3404

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Score: 3125

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Score: 2165

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

Score: 2097

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Score: 1962

I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Score: 1950

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Score: 1906

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

Score: 1864

Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 1861

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

Score: 1593

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

Score: 1546

why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis

Score: 1533

Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

Score: 1370

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Score: 1261

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax

Score: 1084

I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Score: 1033

Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.

Score: 1029

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs? Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Score: 971

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

Score: 940

After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Score: 407

What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

Score: 265

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant. It just changes the color of the baby. :(

Score: 236

Why is the congress never impeaching president Trump? because republicans insist on carrying a baby to its full term.

Score: 162

Hear about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old...

Score: 131

So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ... y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."

Score: 103

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

Score: 100

If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby, what brings no baby? A swallow

Score: 79

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Score: 72

A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store... Out of no where, she starts giggling.

I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."

"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"

She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."

Score: 49

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New Baby Jokes

They call me a baby killer You kill a baby or two and suddenly you are a baby killer, like what abot the men n women I killed.

Score: 2

An Asian couple had a White baby. They named it Sum Ting Wong.

Score: 2

What does a baby pirate wear? A diap-arrrrrrrr.

*Courtesy of my 4year old*

Score: 5

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby... They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

Score: 7

What begins with an m, and ends in "arriage" ? Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Score: 4

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 49

What begins with an M and ends in arriage? Miscarriage

The joke never gets old just like the baby

Score: 17

Yknow, sometimes I wonder why America decided to join the Vietnam war. Then again, what else were they gonna do with an entire generation called “the baby boomers”.

Score: 3

What do you call a baby elon musk? Babylon

I'm sorry!

Score: 4

Did you know baby tomatoes aren't actually babies because killing babies is unethical They're dwarfs instead

Score: 2

Hey Baby, are you a Minecraft Tree? Because I wanna beat you to death with my fist.

Score: 2

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

What song do illegal immigrants hate? ICE ICE BABY

Score: 2

What begins with "M" and ends with "arriage" and is a mans favorite thing? Miscarriage.

The joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Score: 7

They say it's easy to take candy from a baby, but you can take literally anything you want from an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Score: 2

We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

Score: 4

A couple in North Dakota had a baby Now their population is 7

Score: 2

What do you call it when you put a baby in a freezer? **Chilled abuse**

Score: 19

What was the most popular baby name for a girl during The Cold War... ...Connie

Score: 2

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house? Ice Ice, Baby.

Score: 4

Hey baby, is your refrigerator running? Because if not, I may be schizophrenic 😞

Score: 5

What gender did the postman hope his baby was? A mail

Score: 2

Today I got fired from my other job... I guess I shouldn't have taken baby sitting too literal.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the baby born with a broken arm? He was trying to hang on until after the wedding.

Score: 2

Mr and Mrs. Wong had an inexplicably white baby They named him Sum Ting Wong because 2 Wongs cannot make a White

Score: 6

What do you get when you cross a baby with an octopus? An angry letter from the ethics committee and immediate cessation of all funding.

(The joke about the man and the egg reminded me of this).

Score: 8

What did Shakespeare call the baby pig that he kept as a pet? Hamlet

Score: 2

I knew a girl who always confused her birth control and anti-depressants She had the sweetest little baby.

Score: 1

Joe sits near a pregnant woman. Joe: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Joe: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Joe: Then why did you eat it?!

Score: 2

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.

Score: 21

A lizard walks into the bar... A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”

Score: 6

There was a woman breastfeeding in the park. Fascinated, I walked over and said, "I hope you don't mind me being curious, but what's it like?"

"Oh," she said, "it's a bit uncomfortable if I'm honest."

I said, "I was talking to the baby."

Score: 6

What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby? Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 14

Heard this from a waiter at dinner tonight. Hey baby, my name is Olaf...like the snowman. Mind if I melt inside you?

Five star restaurant I am laughing out loud right now hahaj

Score: 1

I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant... but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...

Score: 20

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Score: 39

Time to make like a baby and... ...head out.

Score: 1

Baby Kangaroo and Laptop! A baby Kangaroo was crying. Some kangaroo asked about its MOM.
Baby Kangaroo said mom is carrying a Laptop in her bag where I was staying.

Score: 1

If you're thinking about sending a baby gift to April the giraffe She's registered at Toys R Us

Score: 1

What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up? A baby shower

Score: 5

Mr and Mrs Chedder had a baby... They were expecting a Parmesan, but instead ended up with a Parmedaughter.

(Posted as an answer on AskReddit, thought it belonged here too)

Score: 2

What's the difference between a baby and another baby? I don't know, but let's hope their mothers don't either.

Score: 32

What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? They both thought "my mom's gonna kill me."

Score: 20

I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue.

Score: 4

What did the doctor say to the parents of an ugly baby? "I charge five dollars if it’s a boy and five dollars if it’s a girl. Let’s just say this one’s on the house.”

Score: 1

Hey, Baby, you work for the TSA? 'Cause I've got a suspicious package, and I need you to blow it.

Score: 2

It's time to make like a baby... And head out.


*leaves

Score: 1

What did the baby cigarette want to be when it grew up? a Drag Queen

Score: 3

What is Dracula's favorite pick-up line? Hey baby, nice jugulars.

Score: 15

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby. "Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.

*



*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

Score: 3

The carpenter walks up to his boss.. .. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.

Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Score: 6

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line "Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

Score: 11

Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (x-post from ImGoingToHellForThis) It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 10

What game did the Rabbi play with the Baby? PeekaJew

Score: 2

Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out. So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."

Score: 3

Told my pregnant boss this: Is it OK for you to drink while pregnant... if you're gonna give the baby up for adoption?

She laughed at least. But I no longer work there

Score: 1

Why can't two Chinese couples make a white baby? Because two Wongs don't make a White.

Score: 1

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

Score: 16

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

Score: 14

A blond couple is in the hospital and the wife is in labor... After a few laborious hours out pops a beautiful baby boy.
then, another!
Two beautiful twins!
however, the father is furious....
"Ok! who's the other guy you're seeing?!"

Score: 12

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