Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as Quarenteens.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant. But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil... Don't even get me started on baby oil
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.” Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.
Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...
But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
Why do baby boomers like fracking so much? Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.
A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..." The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised... ...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
edit: if you're a feminist and you're here to downvote the post and all the comments, that just gives more truth to the joke.
Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.
After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby
So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.
My girlfriend is just like a microwave She's easy to turn on, gets hot real quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it.
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby is due She looked at me weird and said, “the baby is mine, I get to keep it.”
Two babies are laying in the nursery
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:
-See, I have blue socks on.
Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Really, most things escape baby goats.
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ? Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant Apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil. "My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".
What's the difference between black humor and morbid humor
Black humor is 10 babies in one trash can.
Morbid humor is one baby in 10 trash cans.
It's old joke, sorry if you heard it already.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump. Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I got asked to leave a gender reveal party for my pregnant coworker. Apparently it’s just for the baby and pulling down your pants is “frowned upon.”
How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot! :)
My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.
Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) I’m sorry, your wife didn’t make it. Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby
What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?
That Joke never gets old just like the baby
How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.
Naming the new royal baby
Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”
When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”
A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.
A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.
She became his breast friend.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming”
Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.
Who lets a woman drive?
Why won't Congress ever impeach Trump? Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours.
My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline. I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.
A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".