Hilarious Baby Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Baby Jokes

Score: 24708

Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Score: 23865

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.

Score: 10095

How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.

Score: 9828

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.

Score: 8052

Courtesy of my four year old Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

Score: 6965

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

Score: 5690

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Score: 5021

Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

Score: 4314

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 3404

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Score: 3125

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Score: 2165

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

Score: 2097

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Score: 1962

I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Score: 1950

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Score: 1906

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

Score: 1864

Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 1861

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

Score: 1593

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

Score: 1546

why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis

Score: 1533

Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

Score: 1370

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Score: 1261

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax

Score: 1084

I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Score: 1033

Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.

Score: 1029

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs? Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Score: 971

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

Score: 940

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Score: 644

Why do baby boomers like fracking so much? Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.

Score: 526

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. You'd be way too short and weak.

Score: 480

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby... ...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

Score: 468

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

Score: 455

What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

Score: 411

If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby; what bird brings no baby? a swallow

Score: 367

Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes. Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?

Me: They prefer to be called executioners.

Score: 342

Dad: Say daddy! Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!

Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: F*ck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Score: 329

What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing? Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Score: 302

New Baby Jokes

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 49

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Score: 72

What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

Score: 265

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

Score: 100

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant. It just changes the color of the baby. :(

Score: 236

Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me: "Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"

Score: 28

Why does an Ethiopian baby cry It’s having a midlife crisis

Score: 93

A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear... Unless it's 3am

And you're home alone

And you don't have a baby...

Score: 88

Whats red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller? A baby playing with a cheese grater

Score: 23

I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

Score: 91

A baby helped me out the other day... I asked him, "How do I find other songs by the singer of 'Bad Romance'?"

He replied: "Google Gaga"

Score: 32

Why was 1 year old African baby crying? It was having a midlife crisis

Score: 183

I got a vasectomy and my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

Score: 28

I got a baby bunny today. I had to swerve pretty hard to do it, but I got him!

Score: 49

The perk of being a test tube baby... ...is you get a womb with a view.

Score: 46

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

Score: 251

Why is the congress never impeaching president Trump? because republicans insist on carrying a baby to its full term.

Score: 162

An Asian couple had an albino baby. Just goes to show, 2 Wongs can make a white.

Score: 34

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Score: 39

Hey baby, call me Colgate Because 9 out of 10 dentists recommend me in your mouth.

Score: 188

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

Score: 33

I got a vasectomy I was told it would keep her from getting pregnant, turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.

Score: 22

Worst way to hold a baby? Hostage.

Score: 127

I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant... But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby

Score: 201

What did the baby corn say to mom corn? "Where's popcorn?"

Score: 41

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Score: 189

I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying

Score: 25

Are you a gorilla exhibit? Cause I wanna drop a baby in you

Score: 42

Why does an Ethiopian baby cry? It's having a mid life crisis
(Sorry If it's too dark)

Score: 137

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said.

Score: 210

Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink? Because they can't dress themselves.

Score: 44

I stole a stripper's child. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Score: 21

We should start calling the planet "unborn baby" maybe then republicans would want to save it.

Score: 51

The pregnant woman sitting across from me on the train laughed. I asked her
"What's so funny?"
She smiled and replied.
"My baby just told me something."
I was shocked!
"Really? What did he say!"
She grins.

"Oh you wont get it, it's an inside joke."

Score: 38

I was told a vasectomy would prevent my wife and I from having a baby... Turns out it just turns the baby black.

Score: 97

I only sleep with democrats. That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

Score: 34

So I got a vasectomy... Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby.

Score: 160

What do you call a fat baby? Heavy infantry.

Score: 236

What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of coke fall out of a window

Score: 27

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant..... Turns out it just changes the color of the baby.

Score: 125

So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ... y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."

Score: 103

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Score: 37

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Score: 32

After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents, Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

Score: 101

Why was the 2 month old African baby crying? It was having its mid-life crisis.

Score: 127

What's the difference between a baby and another baby? I don't know, but let's hope their mothers don't either.

Score: 32

What do you call someone who was dropped on their head as a baby? Hard to say- every one of them has their own pronouns now.

Score: 29

Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer? Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

Score: 22

What do you feed a baby parabola? Quadratic formula

Score: 25

I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

Score: 70

If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me... I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

Score: 40

A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store... Out of no where, she starts giggling.

I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."

"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"

She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."

Score: 49

Why are dead baby jokes so funny? They never grow old.

Score: 43

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby. Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

Score: 113

A 5-year-old sat next to a pregnant lady. Boy: Why is your tum-tum so huge?

Lady: Because I have a baby inside it.

Boy: Is it a nice baby?

Lady: It is a very nice healthy baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?

Score: 21

Two melons have a secret love affair... One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."

The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."

Score: 23

My Boss thought that getting a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant. All it did was change the color of the baby.

Score: 39

What did baby corn say to momma corn? where is popcorn?

Score: 224

A woman goes to the dentist.... and the dentist says "Looks like you need to have a tooth pulled." The woman says "I'd rather have a baby."
The dentist looks at her and says "Make up your mind, I'll have to adjust the chair."

Score: 82

Hear about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old...

Score: 131