Baby Jokes

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Funniest Baby Jokes

Funny Baby Jokes

Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Courtesy of my four year old Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as Quarenteens.

Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant. But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil... Don't even get me started on baby oil

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.” Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

Why do baby boomers like fracking so much? Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.

A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..." The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised... ...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up


edit: if you're a feminist and you're here to downvote the post and all the comments, that just gives more truth to the joke.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby; what bird brings no baby? a swallow

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So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

My girlfriend is just like a microwave She's easy to turn on, gets hot real quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby is due She looked at me weird and said, “the baby is mine, I get to keep it.”

Two babies are laying in the nursery One says:
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:
-See, I have blue socks on.

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Really, most things escape baby goats.

Why was the Anti-vaxx baby crying? It had a midlife crisis

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far Well, the catapult's fantastic!

Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ? Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Me: When is the baby due? Pregnant librarian: Oh, this is mine. I get to keep it.

Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby Couple: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant Apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil. "My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

What's the difference between black humor and morbid humor Black humor is 10 babies in one trash can.
Morbid humor is one baby in 10 trash cans.


It's old joke, sorry if you heard it already.

Why was the baby jalapeno shivering? He was a little chili.

Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure? Because i'd put a baby in you

Congress will never impeach Donald Trump. Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before... but let me give it a shot.

I got asked to leave a gender reveal party for my pregnant coworker. Apparently it’s just for the baby and pulling down your pants is “frowned upon.”

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40. I said no, 40 babies are enough.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings? An Alabamination.

Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) I’m sorry, your wife didn’t make it. Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat? Still Bjorn.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing? A miscarriage
That Joke never gets old just like the baby

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

How do you make a dead baby float? * 1 scoop Dead Baby
* 2 scoops Ice Cream

Naming the new royal baby Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it. A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.” She said, “I think the baby is coming”

Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.

My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby ...except I drop it a lot less

Who's bigger? Mrs.Bigger, Mr.Bigger or their baby? The baby because he's a little Bigger.

Smoking I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.

Who lets a woman drive?

Why won't Congress ever impeach Trump? Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket

My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline. I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.

A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her… I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

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Long Baby Jokes

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.

I said "you don't drink?!?"

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.

So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:

"wanna get a room and knock boots?"

She says: I thought you'd never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diapers and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What’s up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
“Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked.
“I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

“Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!”

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge.

"Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear.

"So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously.

"My grandma bear in Chicago." says baby bear.

"Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge?

"Oh no the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.

Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.

Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.

"Miss, are you sick?"

"No, but the last guy was."

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.

“It’s worth a try,” he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”

“You gave birth to a child.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.

One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said,

"Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife game home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.

"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.

The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."

"And?" She asks.

"And I did!"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple.

"There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed.

The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.

She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
“Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give
it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,

“Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"

And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."

She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."

The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"

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