Camel Jokes

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Funniest Camel Jokes

So, a one-hump camel marries a two-hump camel, and they have a baby, but the baby didn't have a hump. So they named him Humphrey.

Funny Camel Jokes

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water... Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself? Camelflage

What do you call a camel with a flat back? Humphrey

What do you call a humpless camel covered in plastic? Llamanated

What do you call a Camel in a drought? A dry humper.

Why are leggings and sand the same? They both get stuck in camel toe.

You know that a camel with two humps.. is a bactrian camel. A camel with one hump is a dromedary camel.

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

What do you call a camel that hates cows? Drama-dairy.

Courtesy of my eight-year-old

What do you call a camel that eats another camel? A camibal

What do you call a camel with no humps??? Humphrey

What do you call a camel with three humps? Humphrey

At least he won't annoy his co-workers every week. What did the mother and father camel name their baby born without a hump?

Humphrey!

What does a camel do on a pudding? Walks through the dessert

What do you call a camel with no hump? Humphrey.

Whats he difference between a camel and a college student? Camel can go daaaays without drinking.

I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once. It had its ups and downs.

Joke from my 4 yr old this morning... her: Knock knock!

me: Who's there?

her: Camel!

me: Camel who?

her: Silly, Camels don't say 'who' they say 'AAAHHHHHH!!!'

A camel can work all week without drinking.. A man can drink all week without working.

What do you call a camel with only one hump? A canel

What do an Iranian Submarine and an Iranian Camel have in common? They're both full of Iranian seamen.

What would you call a camel that has no hump? Humphrey.

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humpfree! :P

What do you call a camel you can't see? A Camo

Where did the camels park when they went to the Renaissance Festival? The camel lot.

A camel Goes into the coffee shop The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"

I taped cigarettes to my feet Now I have Camel toes

What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Pregnant

What do you call a camel during a drought? A dry humper.

What does a Bactrian camel have in common with a very lazy prostitue? Humps on the back.

Did you hear about the new show about a camel on a cow ranch? It's been called a dairy drama about a dromedary.

What do you call a frog that lives in the desert A camel toad

What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry? My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

Yo mama is so fat... Yo mama is so fat she stubbed her camel toe!

What do you get when you cross a camel with a polar bear? A fireside rug you can have a good hump on.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Pregnant

Dad joke courtesy of my child

What do you call a camel with 2 humps? (From my 6 year old) Pregnant.

What do you call a camel with three humps? Pregnant.


What do you call a camel that's still a virgin?


Humphrey

What do you call a desert towing company? A camel tow

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New Camel Jokes

Why are giraffes real but unicorns aren't? What's more believable a horse with a horn or a leopard moose camel with a 40 foot neck?

My car wouldn't start so I called my favorite middle eastern company to help me Camel Tow

Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is. Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.

What's worse than having camel toe? Having a boar shin.

And i said that’s not a camel That’s my wife!

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese? The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

What do you call a three humped camel An outcast

An altar boy is not unlike a camel at all. They’re both meant to carry someone else’s load.

My relationship was getting kind of stale... so my friend recommended I spice things up in the bedroom. When I asked how he recommended I do this, he lent me his Camel Sutra book. He said it was for humping.

Courtesy to my pastor's son. What do you call a camel with no hump? Humphrey

Camels What do you call a camel that ate it's brother?
Camelbalism!

What Do You Call a Green Camel In a Forest? Camelflage.

What did the camel say to his sibling when they met for drinks? Oasis.

What do you get when you cross a camel with a parent who beats their children? A traumadary

What do you call the type of camel with only one hump? Married.

What do you call it when a camel cries over spilled milk? Drama dairy

A camel walks into a bar. Bartender: What can I get you?

Camel: Just a tea, Hold the water.

Bartender: Seriously? What kind?

Camel: Chamomille, of course.

What do a call a camel with no humps? Humphrey "hump free " haha ?

What do you call a camel with two humps? Pregnant.

Did you hear about the Camel who always got into a lot of emotional situations? It was a Dramadary.

What do you call a camel with three humps Pregnant!

My 6 year old daughter caught us off guard with this one tonight lol

What does somebody want most when they're stranded in the desert and their camel runs away? They want their camel bak.

A camel Is just an alpaca that wants two hump.

When King Arthur needed to arrange transportation for his trip to the desert, where did he go? The camel lot.

What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey

What do you call a camel with three humps? Pregnant.

What do your mom and a camel have in common? They both spit.

Max the camel walks into his parents' room at 2am and asks for a glass of water. His dad says, "Another one? That's the second glass this month."

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Long Camel Jokes

"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.


"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him, reached up, and took the camel by the balls and moved them slightly to the left.


"Its ten after two." he pronounced.


The American was amazed, he couldn't believe what he had just seen and he ran off to find his friends and tell them about the man who could tell time from a camel's balls.

After a short time he found them and of course they didn't believe him so he insisted that they go back and he'd prove it, so they agreed and returned.


The American once again asked. "Excuse sir, I'm sorry to bother you again, but would you have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him and once again reached out and grabbed the camels balls and once again slightly moved them to the left and said. "It's twenty after two."


The group was amazed and they left to go about their business, but the original discoverer of the miracle time teller remained behind.

"Listen my friend, I would love to know how you do that. If I give you one hundred American dollars would you show me how you do it?"


The Egyptian thought for a moment and nodded ok and pocketed the hundred dollars and then motioned to the American to kneel where he was.

The American knelt and then the Egyptian said. "All right grab the camels balls and gently pick them up and slightly move them to the left."


The American followed the Egyptian's orders to the tee and then asked. "Now what?"


The Egyptian said. "OK crouch down a little more, now do you see that clock on the wall over there?"

A man is travelling through the desert on a camel.

After a few days of travel the camel starts slowing down and eventually stops. The man gets of and starts dragging the camel after him when he sees an oasis in the distance. He drags the camel to the oasis where there is a woman standing on a ramp with a hammer in her hand. "Friend, did he stop?" The woman asks. "Yes." He answers. "Drag it on the ramp." The man drags the camel on the ramp. The woman takes the hammer and hits the camel on the balls hard. The camel springs up and starts running away. "How am I supposed to catch up to it now?" The outraged man asks. "Stand on the ramp." Answers the woman.

A low-ranking general gets transferred to an all- male military base in the middle of nowhere in the Middle East.

There's not a woman for miles. After a few weeks there, the general develops certain tensions that need to be released, so he summons his adjutant and asks the adjutant what the men do in this situation.

The adjutant nods and tells the general "There's a camel in the tent at the edge of the base. The men use that..."

The general nods, stands up, and blows past his adjutant in search of this tent. He locates it and heads inside and absolutely goes nuts on the poor, stunned camel. His tensions released, the general exits the tent to find his adjutant standing there, ashen faced and trembling.

The adjutant says, "Sir, you didn't let me finish. The men use that camel to ride to the whorehouse in town..."

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.

"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.

"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."

"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."

After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:

"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"

The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:

"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"

"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"

Army officer in India

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

Alone in the Gobi Desert

A man is lost with his camel in the Gobi Desert, but has food for weeks so isn't worrying. After two weeks he gets extremely horny and decides to take a chance with his camel. Every time he stands behind the camel, the camel walks away. So he diggs a deep hole, places his camel inside it and tries but the camel escapes from the hole and walks away again. The man gives up and wanders a few days more in the desert when a little plane crashes into the desert. The only survivor is a young lady. The man gives her water and food and she recovers quickly. Super happy she says: "You saved my life, I'll do anything for you!". "Okay my lady", says the man, "then please hold this damned camel!"

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend with that. Finally, feeling rather embarrassed, he approaches another soldier.

"Listen, man," the newly arrived soldier whispers, "I was a teenager once. I know how to 'take care of things' without much for inspiration... but come on! There must be something around here to help 'ease the tension.'"

"You're using a lot of euphemisms," the seasoned soldier responds.

"Shut up and tell me the secret," answers the newly arrived soldier.

"Well, which do you want me to do?"

The newly arrived soldier rolls his eyes, becoming irritated at the length of this joke. "Just tell me!"

After glancing around to make sure that nobody is listening, the seasoned soldier leans in close. "Okay, listen: Out behind the barracks, there's a tree. Tied to that tree is a camel. When you're feeling... you know..."

Before the seasoned solider can finish, the newly arrived soldier makes a sound of disgust and pulls away. "That's horrible!" he shouts, and he struts off in a huff.

Still, as the sun sets and the young man finds it increasingly impossible to fall asleep, he decides to bite the proverbial bullet and give the "local remedy" a try. He sneaks out behind the barracks, and sure enough, there's a camel tied to a tree there. After taking a few deep breaths (and finding a bucket on which to stand), the soldier drops his pants. The next several minutes of this joke have been removed for decency's sake, but suffice to say that the soldier finally got some rest that night.

The following morning, the newly arrived solider approaches the seasoned soldier who told him about the camel.

"Well, I did it," he says. "It wasn't as bad as I thought."

"Yeah, you get used to it," the seasoned soldier replies. "My first time, though, I thought that camel-ride to the brothel would last forever."

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.

He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
"I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going to sell him because he's kinda special, but I'll sell him to you in you like?" The nomad was overjoyed, "Yes, please! What is so special about him?"
"To make him walk you have to say 'go' and to make him gallop you have to say 'phew.' To make him stop simply say 'amen.' Have you got that?"
"I think so, yeah!" Replied the nomad. He paid his many, got on the camel and said "go!" and it began to walk. After awhile as he had gotten used to the camel, he decided to try to go a bit faster and so he said "phew" and it burst to life. It started hurtling through the desert, bounding over dunes and zooming past oasis's.

Suddenly, the nomad saw that ahead there was a gapping gorge and the camel was charging straight for it. He began tugging on the reins of the camel, pleading for it to stop, but, it wouldn't and he had completely forgotten the word to make it do so!
"Oh god help me!" cried the nomad. He began to pray, "God, please don't let me die on this camel, amen." And of course it came immediately to a dead stop right at the very edge of the deep gorge.
"Phew" said the nomad.

Irish Tenacity

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The camel’s died.’ 

Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me.

I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off'


I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’


Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his $2 back.’

So a man rides his camel through New York...

and leaves it to go to a diner. When he comes back, his camel is missing, so he goes to the police.

The police ask a few questions. "Was the camel male or female?"

The man replies, "I'm not entirely sure- Wait! I remember! It's male it has to be!

"How do you know?"

"Well, when I was riding through town people kept pointing and saying "Look at the shmuck on that camel!"

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.

He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.

The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.

"10:27" he said.

The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before.

He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.

Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.

The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.

"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.

"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How am I even supposed to know this camel is any good?" Inquires the man.

"It is the fastest, most reliable camel in all the land," the owner quips, "Here, I'll show you."

The owner places the camel on two large rocks then walks below it and smacks the camel's testicles using two stones. The camel jumps and proceeds to run at almost the speed of light into the horizon.

"You see, I told you it's fast," says the owner.

"Wow, that's amazing! I want to ride it, but it's pretty far. How do I catch up with it?" asks the man.

"Tell you what, can you step on these two large rocks real quick."

A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:

"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has needs. So if you're ever really horny and you need to release tension, you can go in this shed, take the camel and th-"

Soldier: "Ugh, please stop talking, that's disgusting! I would never use a camel for that!"

A few weeks later the soldier got more and more lustful. One day he just can't take it anymore. So he walks to the shed, lets down his pants and starts to bang the camel.

After a few seconds the officer enters and tells him:

"Hey man, I get that you really needed to release that pressure... but why didn't you ride to the next town and find a woman like everyone else?"

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next morning.

A twenty-foot fence was put up.

Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,

“How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!”

A kangaroo keeps escaping his enclosure at the zoo.

In an effort to keep him inside at night, the zookeepers construct a 10-foot fence around his habitat. The next morning, they find the kangaroo wandering around the zoo. The zookeepers construct a 20-foot fence to keep the kangaroo from escaping, but the next day he is loose once again. The zookeepers begin construction on a 50-foot fence they’re sure will keep the kangaroo in his enclosure. Watching the men work, a camel in the neighboring enclosure sticks his head over to the kangaroo’s side and asks, “How high do you think they’ll make it this time?”

​

The kangaroo answers, “Not sure, but it still won’t matter, unless they remember to lock the door this time.”

A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."

"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"

"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car, cheaper to maintain, and they're trained very well. You just say 'Woah' to make it move forward and 'Aishee' to make it stop."

"Alright, I'll try a camel."

The man is riding the camel and he wants to see how fast it goes. He keeps shouting "Woah, woah, woah!"

Eventually the camel is going faster than the man can handle and then he notices that the ground in front of him is turning into a cliff.

The camel is going and the man is trying desperately to remember the word to make it stop. "Ayaaa, Ashaaa, Allie!" He shouts to the camel. "Oh wait, Aishee!"

The camel stops, with its toes barely on the cliff, just in time. The man looks over the camel, down the cliff and in relief, he rubs the sweat from his brow and says "Woah."

The Camel

A man was riding on his camel through the desert. He was riding for quite some time and as days passed by he got kind of horny. All alone in the desert miles away from all civilisation he thought that he might aswell take the camel. He stopped, made a pile of sand and stood behind the camel and just when he wanted to start the camel took a step forward.

The man didn't think any of this and piled up some sand again. And again just when he wanted to start the camel stept forward.

The man gave up and rode on through the desert. After a few more days he met a totally exhausted woman near dehydriation. He helped her up and and saved her by giving her some water and food. The woman thankfully said: 'thank you for saving me you can have anything you want from me!'

The man thought for a sec and said:'could you hold the camel for a minute?'



excuse any spelling mistakes.

The Passion Camel

A young man decides to join the foreign legion.

When he arrives at the fort In the middle of the desert he is shown around by the sergeant.

"Hello recruit, this is where you will sleep, this is where I sleep, you eat over there.. and that shed over there, that's the Passion Camel"

"Excuse me, the what?" Asked the recruit

"When you have been here several months, and you are desperate for 'it' you take a visit to use the Passion Camel" replied the Sgt

A little shocked the recruit went about his business sure in the fact he would never require it.

A few weeks later, absolutely gagging for some 'rumpy pumpy', he swallowed his pride, marched across the parade square into the Passion Camel's shed and barred the door.
He takes one look at the stinking old camel, takes a big gulp and ends his weeks of celibacy.

After an hour or so, he appears out from the shed to see the sergeant waiting for him.

"Sarge, I'm surprised how good that was"

A look of shock, appall crossed his face,
"I think the camel was more surprised, it was supposed to take you across the dunes to the nearest brothel"

A man has been riding through the desert for months without any female contact...

...he is trying to ignore the urges but they are getting worse with time. After a while he has a sudden idea, jumps off the camel, walks to the back, lifts the tail and lets out a happy shriek because the camel is female!
However the target is quite high up. So the man starts collecting sand until there is a small hill he can stand on to reach the camel's rear. As he pulls down his trousers though, he camel chews lazily and takes a big step forward.
"Damn!" shouts the man as he now has to go through the whole palaver again.
But his urges lend him a big hand and after he has pulled his trousers up again and makes another hill.
Once he dropped his pants, the camel chews and takes yet another step forward.
The man is going mad but he does what he did before, just for the camel to step forward every time.
In the evening sun, the small mountains show up on the horizon just like beads.
After a loooong while doing this, the man can suddenly hear a faint voice: "Heeeelp!"
He stops building the current hill and runs towards the female voice.
Eventually he finds the source.
It is a big busted blonde who wears only rags. She seems desperate and whispers:
"Please give me water, I'll do anything."
"Riiiight on!"
He runs like a lunatic to his camel, gets the water bottle. Runs back and lets the blonde drink.
When she is finished she smiles.
"Thank you kind stranger and what would you like me to do for you?"
Excited he answers: "Please can you hold my camel still!"

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeling very lost and depressed, Steve decided that in order to leave the troubles of the dating world, he would enlist in the US Army.

So come another 3 months or so after his enlistment, Steve gets deployed to do a tour in Iraq. The first couple of months were relatively easy, getting settled, enjoying the comradery, etc etc. However, after a while, the urges came. Steve desired the touch of a woman. So he went and found his friend in his platoon to ask his opinion.

“Hey Delgado, sitting around and smoking cigarettes all day sucks.. What do you do when.. you know.. you need the touch of a woman?” Steve asked.

Delgado turned and pointed towards a stable at the end of the driveway.
“You see that camel over there?”

As soon as he looked, Steve felt uneasy. But after a moment of pondering his next 6 months deployed on a base with no women in sight, he decided that if most other men did it too, how bad could it be?

So Steve immediately takes off running, all the while unbuckling his belt and starting to remove his trousers. The other privates watch in horror as they hear sounds of bellowing and grunting, and after a while, Steve emerges from the stable. He was covered in bruises and scratches, his hair was disheveled, but he was smiling.

His platoon leader rushes up to him, a look of concern on his face.

“Steve! What in God’s name did you do to the camel?”

Steve’s satisfied expression was replaced with sheepish embarrassment.
“Well, Delgado said to go to the camel stable when I needed to get my rocks off.” Steve explained, puzzled.

“Private, you were supposed to ride the camel into town...”

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