Butt Jokes

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Funniest Butt Jokes

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry... Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt

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He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

Funny Butt Jokes

(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear? His butt quack

Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks

An ugly girl grabbed my butt today.... ...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"

I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

What's the difference between America and Canada? The Americans have really nice neighbors.

edit: wow, some Americans are really butt hurt from this joke. why so sensitive???

Are you a cigarette? Because I want to put your butt in my mouth.

Why do ducks have feathers? To cover up their butt quacks.

Why does a duck have feathers? To cover its butt quack

What do 9 volt batteries and butt holes have in common? You know you shouldn't, but one day you're probably going to try licking one.

I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus, I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks... I embarrassed

What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together? A buttwhole.

I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up. I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before.

What happens when a duck bends over? You can see its butt quack.

Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt. Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.

Help me To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

Grandpa: What's the difference between a butt kisser and a brown-noser? Depth perception

If i cut off my right butt cheek will i be left behind?

What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole? You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.

Why do duckies have tails? To hide their butt quacks

The other day, while I was in the car with my girlfriend, I reached down and turned on her butt warmer. She asked me, “What are you doing?”

I said, “Just heating up dinner.”

Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts butt cleaner

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

Edit: Come on! It´s a joke, don´t get butt hurt! And yes, I spelled woman wrong, who cares?

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol "&"... ...looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

Me: You're firing me? **Boss:** We have reason to believe you're using work computers to run some butt pic website. Bootypedia or something.

**Me:** First off I would never do that. Second, it's called Wikicheeks.

I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!” I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

My 6-year-old's joke Q: Why did the butt walk to work?

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A: Because it was out of gas.

What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica? A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

Is your butt Thor? ....cuz I'll be your Asguardian.

I think there's a better word for underwear... ... Butt hat's none of my business.

I was sitting on my dolphin, then I fell off. Butt not on porpoise.

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newly weds wanted to try butt stuff... Or put it another way, 100% of all grooms.

What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear? His butt quack

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his butt

What does the crew of the International Space Station use to strengthen their butt muscles? Assteroids

You know why I no longer tell prison rape jokes? Because someone usually gets butt hurt.

A butt goes to an eyeglasses place. He waits in line until the optometrist finally steps out and says "Sir, I will not be giving you an exam."

The butt is outraged: "Why not?!"

"Because hind-sight is always 20/20."

If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt There’s mercury in Uranus

The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark. It was almost a catastrophe.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt

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New Butt Jokes

Why does duck have feather? To cover it's butt quack

Do you know what the difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is? Depth perception

I was caught staring at a cute girl's butt harassment a lot to me.

I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my butt fell asleep the other says yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con. Absolute catastrophe!

TIFU by sticking a chimney starter up my butt to cure my coronavirus. Turns out it's only effective against the flue.

Why did the Alabama family pay for their daughter’s butt implants? It was a decision they could all get behind

Plant based cure for COVID-19 Plant your butt at home

What do you call the asscrack of a woman with butt implants? Silicon Valley

A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat... Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

I’m just sitting on my butt here waiting for some money from the government. Gluteus taximus.

I asked my proctologist where he gets all of his proctology supplies. He said he has a butt plug.

Some people call it working from home I call it working butt naked :)

If someone becomes your toilet paper dealer... does that make them your butt plug?

I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks Now there's crack on my screen

How does a butt hear? It uses its rear drums

When two people kiss, they create a long tube.... ...with a butt hole at each end.

Just been to a carnival where they suffocate criminals by sitting on them. Harsh Butt Fair.

What's the worst part of a Duck not wearing pants? You can see their butt quack

There once was a man from Brazil Who swallowed a dynamite pill

His tummy perspired

His butt backfired

And his balls flew over the hill

My dad still laughs at the way he found out I was comming My dad still laughs at the way he found out I was coming...


After that butt dial I now leave my phone on the night stand.

Why do feet smell? Because they grow from the butt

I hope your butt has a license Because just looking at it is driving me nuts

Whats does a 9 volt battery and girls butt hole have in common. You arnt suppose to lick it but you do anyways.

What do you call a farting duck A butt quack

So my doctor just cut my butt in half. I guess he... Half-ASSED it.

I was advised I should always go for a flared end when trying butt plugs I realised waiting in A&E that they didn't mean a twirl and curtsey.

My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records. Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

I have a dairy farm I have a dairy farm I named Dairy Air.

Now it’s the butt of every joke.

My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

Why does the duck have tail feathers? To cover it's butt quack.

My daughter told me this joke Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because your butt stinks and that’s why mom left you

My cat won in a competition for having the best butt Its a catastrophe

What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other? Assymmetrical

Poor Kevin Hart, he was in a car crash and now he's in trouble for smacking some guy's butt I guess he's hit Rock Bottom

I got in trouble for making obscene remarks about a co-worker's butt But looking at harrassment the world to me

Why are politicians the easiest surgery patients? They have no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

Why did the little butt lose to the big butt in a race? It was a little behind.

I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

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Long Butt Jokes

Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction
flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me...

She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from.

So I asked, "Do you know me?"

To which she replied, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into my eyes and said calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now, "LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION!"

I went to the supermarket today to do shopping, when I noticed an attractive young woman waving at me…

She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from.

So I asked her, “Sorry, do I know you?”

She replied, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife.

I asked the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looked into my eyes and calmly and replied, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind.
The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello and he’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."

Stripper from the bachelor party

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A man and a monkey walk into a bar.

The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."

The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His buddy said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The ISIS commander told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the commander dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his rucksack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

You're The Father of One of My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.

The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.

The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."

Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

Do I Know You?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher.”

Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, “Ya know, I heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

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