Owl Jokes

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:

"What happened to the cheese?"

They replied:

"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."

A group of bird watchers is out in the woods and sees a Wild Condor flying in the sky. Everybody is elbowing each other, pointing at the bird and focusing their binoculars. Right about then... a loud gun shot is heard and the bird falls out of the sky. The bird watchers all go running to where the bird fell and find that a disheveled man has already plucked the bird and is getting ready to roast him on a spit. Of course, the bird watchers take him in and press charges. The judge informs him of the serous nature of having killed a bird that's on the endangered species list and asks if he has anything to say before sentencing. The man tells the judge that he had been separated from his hunting party for several days, was lost in the woods, and might have starved if he didn't shoot the Wild Condor. The judge listens to his story and sets him free based on the premise that he was just doing what he had to do to survive. As the man was leaving the courthouse he was confronted by a group of reporters and one shouted out "What did it taste like?" The man hesitated for a bit and then said "Well, it was kind of a cross between a Spotted Owl and a Bald Eagle."

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

With an accomplice it works fine, I'm trying to get it to work with any random. Here's the stage it's at so far.

Someone you know told me that you do a really good owl impression.

Who?

Oh, I thought it would be better than that.

The problem is that most people's initial response isn't "Who?" but "Owl?". I'm trying to phrase it to elucidate the former but I've run out people I know to test it on. I'm not even sure it's possible, or worth it for that matter. THANKS!

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further surprise when the crow sprang to its feet and fluttered up to join the owl in devouring my sandwich.

I think they were in caw-hoots.

They were taken to the top of a cliff . GOD SAID to them that since they had been such outstanding citizens on Earth that they'd be given one chance to become anything they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted."i want to be an eagle". Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared of into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shout " Oh, sh*t"....

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and performs the surgery.

The ENT doc notices this and says “ok, double or nothing I can give it a tonsillectomy without it waking up.” The urologist thinks his secret is safe and agrees. The ENT goes up to the owl, does just like the Urologist and does the procedure.

Later that night the owl is flying with his buddy when his buddy suggests flying down to the ninth hole to check for food. The owl says

“No way! I slept on that branch over there last night and ever since I can’t f$&@ worth a hoot or hoot worth a f$&@!”

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes as planned, masks on, fake guns in hand, and money in bags.

As they exit the bank they hear sirens, so they dash to a nearby forest and climb Into 3 large trees.

After the cops arrive they suspect that the getaway route was into the nearby forest, so they decide to inspect it.

One of the officers hears a sound coming from one of the three large trees. He shoots his gun into the one with the redhead hiding it in, so she does her best impression of a bird " chirp chirp". The officer thinks it's just a bird, so he continues to the next tree.

He shoots into the next tree with the brunette hiding in it, he then hears a " hoot, hoot" sound. And says to the other officer, " clear! Just an owl " and continues.

He moves on to the third large tree with the blonde hiding in it, as he approaches, the blonde begins to get nervous. He then shoots into the tree and hears " Mooooooo"

The blonde shouts, "Whose there!?"

An owl replies, "Woo!"

She answers, "You! Who are you?"

The owl again replies, "Woo!"

She says again, "You! Who are you?"

The owl again replies, "Woo!"

She says again, "You! Who are you?"

The owl again replies, "Woo!"

She says again, "You! Who are you?"

The owl... Are you really still reading this?

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass , Oregon . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree tobthe ground and got many splinters in her crotch. 
 
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. 
 
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"   He smiled and then told her, 
 
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

and one of them goes off and comes back a few minutes later with a drop of blood on his tooth.

One of them says "WOW! where did you get that drop of blood?"

-"You see that rabbit over there? well i just killed it !"

Then one of the other two bats sets off and comes back a few minutes later with 2 drops of blood on his tooth

"WOW ! Where did you get those drops of blood?"

-"Well, you see that owl over there? well, i just killed it !"

Then the last bat sets off and came back a few minutes later with his face full of blood!

"OMG !! Where did u get all that blood !"

-"You see that tree over? Well, i didnt see it !"

HAHAHA this joke is too funny :)

Dear diary, it is with much sorrow today that such unfortunate events have unfolded.

For I had waited all-night for her. My unseen love. Perhaps it is the darkness, blinding me.

Well, that's my entire day gone. Curse my nocturnal-ness, curse my fleeting love.

To another night then, goodbye...

It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, and eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shots, one after the other.

Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my Owl." The bartender sets them up and they down them. Suddenly, the Owl falls over dead.

The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's an owl."

He goes over to the squirrel.

"What is wrong?," asked the owl.

"The animals of the forest brag that they are smart and I am stupid," replied the squirrel.

"Do not listen to them," advised the owl.

"Why should I listen to you?," the squirrel questioned.

The owl responded. "Because I am smart and you are stupid."

The nation called Archimedal was in the west, with rich resources and beautiful forests and rivers and mountains. The nation of Newtonia, in the east, was much more industrialized. They had factories and cities, and all their forests had been razed for lumber. They were at war with each. Archimedal wished to learn the industrial techniques of Newtonia, and Newtonia longed to acquire the vast resources of Archimedal. Unfortunately, between the two nations was the vast Sea of Hyperbola. The only possible way to get from one nation to the other was by boat. Archimedal couldn’t create good enough boats to get to all the way to the other side, and Newtonia had to few resources to use its industry to construct warships. Fortunately for both, right in the middle of the Sea of Hyperbola, was the large island Pythag. It was miles wide, with rivers and lakes and forests and beaches and even a mountain. The mountain was on the northern end of the island, and, growing at the very tippy-top, was the tallest oak tree anyone had ever seen. It was so tall it could be seen from the shores of both Archimedal and Newtonia, as far away as they were. Both nations wanted the island as a base, so as to be able to sail from there and then onto the other nation. The two kings of Archimedal and Newtonia rallied their forces and sent them off the claim the island. Archimedal sent 15,000 knights, with all their squires and cooks and armorers off to fight, while Newtonia sent their entire army of 25,000 Knights, with all their retainers and wives and squires and even the peasantry that lived in the lands held by the knights. All in all, Archimedal sent a total of 100,000 people off to conquer the island, and Newtonia sent 300,000. Meanwhile, as the two nations were filling their ships with food and drink and livestock, the knight of the island of Pythag, was watching the two massing armies. Unbeknownst to either nation, the Island of Pythag was a sacred place, as designated by the Great Spirit Hoken. The Knight of Pythag had been stationed on the island to help protect it from invaders. This noble knight was all alone on the island, except for his single squire, a young lad, barely having reached the age of 16. It was this boy that had first seen the rallying troops, as he patrolled the edges of the island on his daily route. As soon as he saw them, he rushed to the knight. “Sir!” he exclaimed, “The two surrounding nations are preparing for war, with us in between. I fear they may try to claim the island as a means of providing support.” The old knight, having known for some time this would happen, simply said to his squire, “It need not concern you, if you but do what I ask. You must take our cooking pot, and this rope, and put them in your traveling pack. Take care you do not lose either one, for if you do, all hope is lost.” The squire took the rope and the pot and placed them gently in his pack. “What will this accomplish, sir?” he asked. “By themselves, nothing,” said the knight, “Which is why that was merely the first step in the journey of protecting this island. Next, you must take the rope and the pot up to the northern part of the island, where you will find the island mountain. Up to the top you must climb, and what a perilous climb it will be. Howling winds and wild wolves and paths blocked by rocks and ice could all try to prevent you from reaching the summit. You must not let them. For once you reach the top, you will find the tallest oak tree you have ever seen. You must climb to the top of that tree, with the pot and rope and tie the pot to the very top branch using a noose. You must be very sure to tie it very tight, and it has to be a noose, no square knots or bowline knots. Once you have done that, look to the east, then look to the west. You should see a large eagle flying about the tree. Grab onto one of his legs, and use it to descend swiftly to the bottom of the mountain. Then, quickly make your way back to our camp so we can prepare to defend the island.” The squire had no idea how this would help, but knowing how wise the old knight was, he started on his journey. It was a long journey. He climbed hills and forded rivers. He felled trees and hunted deer for food. Many days past. Luckily, both the Nation of Archimedal and the Nation of Newtonia had very slow moving ships, and they were very far away. On his way to the bottom of the great hill, the young squire saw an owl flying overhead. When he finally made it to the bottom of the great mountain, he saw a long, winding path leading up to the top. He climbed and he climbed and he climbed all day. But in the end, he had made little progress up the side of the mountain. As he was laying down to sleep that night, he heard a rumbling noise. He looked up. There was an avalanche headed down the mountain side, right for him! He quickly scrambled to gather up his things, taking particular care to grab the cooking pot and rope before dashing back down the hill. Mid-way down, he stumbled and began rolling. Down and down he rolled, until he hit the bottom of the hill. As he stumbled up and began running away from the avalanche, a single tear rolled down his cheek. He would have cried more, but he knew that he had to be strong. He had to find a new way up the mountain, now that the path was covered. Instead of letting himself get some sleep that night, he made his way wearily around the mountain, searching for another path. By the time the sun had risen, he still had found no such path and was forced to conclude that he would have to make his own. So, he set on up the mountain, trying to take the easiest path possible, for he knew it would be a long journey. Up and up he climbed, day after day. Once, he thought he saw the eagle the old knight had spoken of, circling high above his head. But when a tried to look closer, he saw nothing at all. The night he finally made it to a spot half way up the mountain, as he was lying down to go to sleep, he noticed a strange rock on the ground next to him. It was in the shape of a nearly perfect 'H'. For reasons unknown to him, his eyes began to brim. The second tear of the journey fell from the corner of his eye. Maybe it won't be here in the morning, he thought. He told himself to hold it together, and promptly fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke the 'H' stone was still there, not having moved from the night before. Feeling ashamed at having been so dimwitted as to think a rock could move by itself, he began again on his long ascent up the mountain. He passed many dangers going up; snakes and scorpions and wolves and bears. But he wouldn't let any of them frighten him. Until finally, he reached the top of the mountain. There, just as the old knight had said, was the tallest oak tree the squire had ever seen. The young lad wept a third tear as the longest part of his journey was over. Now all he had to do was climb to the top of the tree. He soon found that that was more easily said than done. For while the bark of the tree provided adequate hand and footholds, the sap and branches seemed to cling to him as he climbed, and poked at him and held him back. As he was whipped in the face by a branch for the fifth time, he made up his mind. He was going to finish this climb today, or never. He fought his way boldly through the thick branches on the lower part of the tree, then began to carefully climb the rest of the way, with narrower branches. About half way up, he saw a sparrow resting on a branch on the opposite side of the tree as him. As he watched it, it began to call out in tis song. He listened, then, without so much as a noise, crept over to it to watch it more closely. It sensed his presence, however, and quickly took flight as he neared it. It swooped low down over the trees in the forest, and the squire watched it go. He began to shed his fourth and what would hopefully be final tear of the long hard journey. He was swept with a sense of awe as he gazed at the island he called home. There was so much beauty. He couldn't let it get destroyed by invaders. With renewed strength, he began climbing again. As he reached the top of the tree, he looked out, over the island once again, knowing that he would probably never see this view again. However, knowing that he didn't have all that much time, he quickly slipped the rope and pot out of his pack and tied the rope into a noose around the top most branch of the tree. He hung the pot from the noose, high above the rest of the island. Just as he was checking to make sure the pot was secure, he spotted the eagle the old knight had told him about. Using the old bird languages he had learned form the knight, the young squire called the bird over and grabbed its leg. The bird barely even dipped in the air as the squire clung to it, for it was old and incredibly strong. It knew right were to go. The squire was overjoyed to not have to make his way back across the island as the bird carried him back to the campsite the knight was using. They descended a little rough, but nothing the squire couldn't handle. "Your back." said the knight. "Good. For tomorrow the armies of Archimedal and Newtonia wll land on the island. Did you succeed in your task?" The squire told him that he had, but he still had no idea how that was suppose to help. The knight did not answer. He merely set about preparing for them a modest dinner of bread and cheese. That night, the squire stirred in his sleep, worrying about the coming battle. When they awoke, it was to the sound of war horns. The time had come to fight. Now, this wasn't exactly the most important battle ever, and knights were of royal blood, which nobody wanted to spill. So the knights sent out their squires to battle for them. The squires of Newtonia rushed forward onto the island near where the old knight and his squire stood, just as the squires of Archimedal did the same on the other side. The old knight quickly got out of the way, leaving his squire to himself. But not before telling him, "Remember: when things seems darkest, go to the mountain. Look up to the pot." Still unsure as to how this would help, the squire assured the old knight he would, and told him to stay safe. Then the tides of battle reached the young squire, and he found himself swept up. Both armies were fighting to gain an advantage on the other, and to do that, they had to take the area he was standing on. He couldn't let them do that. He drew his sword and began to try to drive them back, both sides. He quickly grew nearly exhausted from the effort, and yet both armies seemed to limitless. They pushed into the island, far and wide, long into the day. By about 5:00 at night, the squire realized they were on almost the same path he had taken to the mountain. They were driving him there! He couldn't let them get there. If the did, they would win. He could not hold them off ot the entire mountain. With this thought, he felt some of his strength come back and he began fighting anew. He manage to drive the armies back a few feet, but seemed that for every five feet he drove them back, they drove him another 12, or 13 feet the other way. As dusk fell, he nearly stumbled to ground, knowing how difficult his fight would be in the dark. But he held his strength, for he knew he must not lose this battle. They fought all through the night, long and hard. Then, just before dawn, the squire stepped back and felt a rise under his foot. The mountain. They had driven him all the way there. He nearly lost all courage then and there. But then he remembered the old knights words: "When things seem darkest, go to the mountain. Look up to the pot." Well, didn't people always say it was darkest before the dawn? He chanced a look up the mountain. Just as he did so, the sun broke over the top of it. It shined in all its glory. The two armies were both blinded by the light as the young squire looked up at the pot he had hung from the noose, way up high. He found himself filled with a new strength, a stronger strength. Suddenly his sword didn't seem so heavy, and his eyes not quite so tired. And the legends of Newtonia and Archimedal say he fought with the strength of 10,000 men, holding both of the armies at by all by himself. So ferociously did he fight that the opposing armies fled and sailed back to there own lands, never attempting to take the island again. When the battle was over, the young squire returned to the old knight, who as sitting in there camp. "What happened to me?" he asked, for he was beyond a clue. "Think it through," said the knight, "think it through and it will come to you." The squire sat and thought, and sat and thought some more. Until finally, he jumped to his feet, one last tear in his eye, as he said, "I've got it! I know what happened." The old Knight smiled at him, and said, "So now you know it is true that the squire of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squire of the other two sides.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by.

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.


* Originally posted by u/nofunitalian

I had the necessary koalafications, the employer thought they are completely irrelephant tho, he said he'll call back but he's obviously lion, the atmosphere was unbearable, my voice started to horse, I told him owl wait tho, to ease the hawkwardness, of course. I told him to let minnow when he's made up his mind, his tone was giraffing me crazy! Told myself "alpaca my things and get out of here".

Tells his buddy, grandpa has been filling his nieces head with all these projects uncle will do when he gets home.

“Treehouse, forts, castle—a bird house on a perch SHE can play owl in! I once put together a shelf wrong on purpose so I wouldn’t have to be handy! But ya know this does seem like a perfect time...”

“I feel ya but I remodeled my house with some great YouTube videos.”

“Oh she’s doing the work I need supervisory skills to get ahead at the office”