Polish Jokes

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Funniest Polish Jokes

Funny Polish Jokes

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names? Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.

What do you call a Polish fisherman? A fishing pole.

A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice And yet when Hitler tried it, everyone threw a fit

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor... A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted... ...a night in, shining armor.

Why does Hitler like acetone? It's a Polish Remover

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares.. But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Using chemicals to remove polish is fine... But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly Hitler!

Sieg Heil by Covergirl Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.

What do panties and nail polish have in common? Both come off with alcohol

I have a polish friend who is a sound technician. and a Czech one. A Czech one too. A Czech one too.

I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician. I have a Czech one too.

What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop? Polish remover

What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist The doctor shows him a sign:.


WYRZYKOWTACZ.


Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"


Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

I ran my car into a pole late last night The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

A Polish man was getting his eyesight tested The optician brings out a card with the letters

C X W I N O X S T A Z

"Can you read the letters" asks the optician.

The Polish man:"Read it? I know the guy.

What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard? His last name

I Had A Polish Friend Who's A Sound Technician... Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

I have a Polish sound engineer friend. I also have a Czech one, too.

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer. I have a Czech one, too.

One too.

A Polish Immigrant applies for a driver's license First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters: G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

What did the Polish man give to his wife that was long and hard? His last name.

Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. ... A Czech one too.

A Polish man calls 911 And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"

The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"

The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"

A Polish guy went to check his vision... **Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye... But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

My band used to have a Polish sound guy. And we also had a Czech one, too.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye... use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler

How do you stop the Polish army on horseback? You turn off the carousel.

What is something long and hard that a Polish Bride gets on her wedding day? A last name.

I have a Polish friend who works as a sound engineer... ...and a Czech one too

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New Polish Jokes

What do you it call when Polish people can’t agree among themselves? Polarized

Why did the girl eat yeast and shoe polish before bed? She wanted to rise and shine in the morning!

I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician And a Czech one, too

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

Polish firing squad Stands in a circle.

Did you hear about Polish parachutes? They open on impact

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses. The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

What's the difference between Russian Roulette and Polish Roulette? In Polish Roulette you use an automatic.

Nail Polish Remover A job for acetone or Eva Braun.

Polish is a lot like Finnish Theyre both used to make furniture shine

What is the polish word for key? Crowbar!

I have a Polish friend who is a drummer. And a Czech one too.

What do polish brides get on the wedding night that's long and hard ? A new last name !

Have you heard of the Polish version of The Jetsons? It's called the Jet-Skis.

What is a Soviet's favorite food? Polish Sausage, because it's Warsaw-packed.

A Polish man goes to an optometrist. He takes a seat. The optometrist shows him a sign that says:

SZCZPWSZRBWPWZTC
ZRTCWYBLSMSZTCZ

The optometrist asks, "Can you read the letters?"

The Polish man replies "Of course, I even know the guy!"

What do you call an overly drunk Polish man doing the Macarena in a strip club? A cab ride home

What do you call Polish twins? A pair of skis

I have a Polish friend that is a microphone tester And a Czech one, too...

When Hitler started invading other countries, nail salons and nail polish companies started to go out of business He used to much Polish Remover that people just stopped painting their nails

Did you hear about the Polish admiral who wanted to be buried at sea? 6 men died trying to dig his grave

What do you do if a polish soldier throws a grenade at you. Pull the pin and throw it back

What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did? Remove Polish using chemicals.

If you turn Indonesia flag upside down you'll get Polish flag. What will you get if you turn upside down Ukrainian flag? An upside down Ukrainian flag

Has Brexit actually happened? Was wondering because I saw a Polish person walking down the street

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer. I have a Czech one, too

Why are there so many janitors from Poland? They know how to Polish better than anyone.

Why do Polish people never use vowels? People the Germans stole them to make ridiculously long words

A Dutchman, a Scandinavian and a Polish fellow walk into a bar The bartender looks up and asks, "Is this a joke?"

Polish talks to Russian I heard that it is -60 degrees here in winter. No, only -30. Then why do they say it's -60? Maybe outside.

Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist they sent to blow up a car? He burnt his mouth on the tail pipe

Did you hear about the Polish guy who shot an arrow into the air? He missed.

Heard that Poland is a lot like Britain... ​

Just with fewer Polish people

I’m thinking of running as the Prime Minister of Canada Does anyone have any shoe polish I can borrow for Halloween?

Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms? To see the Old Polish Navy

Why don't Polish people like playing American football? They can't defend against a blitz.

Roses Are Red Violets are blue.
Today is my cake day.
Can I get an upvote or two?

How did the polish guy break his arm raking leaves.

He fell out of the tree!

What nationality is Santa? North Polish

I can't believe some people Girls remove polish with chemicals all the time, but one guy does it and we apparently need to start a second world war to stop him.

What do the colors on the Polish flag stand for? Red: Courage

White: Resilience

Blue: Reliable allies

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Long Polish Jokes

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

edit: FUCKYEAH tnx for the upvotes, kind strangers

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them...

He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was.

Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand.

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."

"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.

"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."

"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

A Polish joke translated to english

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint.
He calls the second guy:
"Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!"
Second guy - "Yeah, me too."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.


The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.


After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"...

The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

EDIT: Hornyoctopus was right. As a Pole, I am ashamed to have used the letter X in that joke.

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.

The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"

"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. A man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian “your names?”

The man responds “I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany”

“Excellent. And what is your work?”

“I manufacture vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may go”

Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. The guard stops them and asks

“Your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians traveling to Germany”

“Gine. Profession?”

“I manufacture Vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may pass”

They drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the Polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says

“What are your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. We are Russians.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just passing through this time.”

a Polish man moved to the USA and married an american girl.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~

After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one.

A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the
states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances and asked him the following questions:


LAWYER: Have you any grounds?


POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.


LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"


POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.


LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"


POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."


LAWYER "I mean, what are your relations like?"


POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."


LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"


POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."


LAWYER: " No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"


POLE: NO: " I'm always up before her."


LAWYER: " WHY do you want this divorce?"


POLE: "SHE going to kill me."


LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"


POLE: "I got proof."


LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"


POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover."

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

But first, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" replies the Polish man, "I went to school with the guy!"

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me what’s going on, I’m not bad looking, I’m athletic and physically fit.... what’s your secret? Why are they all into you?”
The Italian says, “Ok, tomorrow when we walk the beach, put a potato in your speedo.”
The polish nods his head in understanding.

The next day they walk the beach again, but strangely it happens again! All the women are only interested in the Italian guy...

That evening the Polish guy ask him again, “Man, I did what you said and nothing... WHAT IS YOUR SECRET!?!”

The Italian guy says, “Ok bro, tomorrow, put the potato in the front...”

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

Edit: I am embarrassed for not fact checking prior to posting but will let this post be at least for its educational value.

Polish sausage

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license..

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

The Old Rich Man, the Young Man and the Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

My mother is Polish and my father was not, so growing up we heard a lot of Polish jokes from my father. All in good fun of course. Here is my favorite.

Yosh and Stosh decided they were going to take a vacation back to their native land Poland. So they’re on the plane halfway across the Atlantic and everything is going great when the captain makes an announcement over the intercom.

“Folks, were having a little trouble with on of the engines and it stopped working. It’s not a big deal but I does mean we are going to be in the air a little longer”.

Yosh and Stosh are a little nervous but it’s ok, they’ll just get there a little late.

After a little while the captain comes on the intercom once again.

“Folks, I have a little more bad news. Seems we’ve lost another engine so we’re going to be flying a little slower and so we’ll be in the air a little longer.”

Yosh and Stosh are a little nervous but if the captain says they will be ok, they believe him.

A few hours go by and the captain makes another announcement.

“Well folks we’ve lost yet another engine but there’s no need to worry, we have one remaining, however, it does mean we’re going to be in the air longer still."

After hearing this last announcement Stosh is visibly upset. He turns to Yosh and says “wow this is crazy, if we lose that last engine we’ll never get down”

A polish peasant farmer...

...is digging in his field one day when he hits something with his shovel. Picking it up and dusting it off, he recognizes it as an old lamp. A genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Pole thinks about his wishes for the entire day and finaly decides. "Genie", he says, "I want the Mongol hordes to sweep through Poland." The Genie snaps his fingers and a low rumbling sound of hoofbeats is heard. Over the horizon come the Mongol hordes which ride down and kill everything in their path. They wheel around and ride back out. The farmer picks himself up and asks for the same thing for his second wish. Again the Mongols ride in and destroy everything in their path. Whatever they didn't kill last time, they kill this time. Whatever they killed last time, they set on fire. They wheel around and ride back out. The Pole picks himself up and asks for the same thing for his third wish. This time the Mongols don't even bother to stop since there isn't anything left to destroy. The genie just can't stand it any more. "You could have had anything. ANYTHING!", the genie says. "Why did you waste your wishes on this?" The farmer replies, "In order for the Mongols to ride over Poland three times, they would have had to go through Russia six times."

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