I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer and a Czech one too. Czech one too.
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.
I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".
A QA Engineer walks into a bar... Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.
The pessimist sees the dark tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.
And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
I asked the engineer, "What's 2+2?" He replied, "4 ... No, 5 just to be safe."
I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.
"I don't know it's hard to keep track."
I have a Polish sound engineer friend. I also have a Czech one, too.
What's the difference between a mechanical and a civil engineer? One builds weapons and the other build targets.
I hate it when
I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.
What did the boy say to the -1 when it became a 1?
As an engineer, avid exerciser, and new father I am very proud of myself.
Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.
Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...
Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
Optimist: Glass half full
Pessimist : Glass half empty
Engineer: Glass is too tall.
How do you know an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.
Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day.
Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns.
Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins.
Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.
How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.
What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings? A complex complex complex.
An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says "Just wait here until I get behind the counter and take your order"
I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day. He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.
I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer And a Czech one too
An engineer major asks...
"How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I just got a new job as an elevator engineer It has its ups and downs
A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained
A software testing engineer walks into a bar. and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
How can you tell that a civil engineer designed the human body? Who else would put a playground next to a toxic waste dump.
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer A mechanical engineer builds weapons, A civil engineer builds targets
How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted? They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.
The pessimist sees a dark, dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees TWO lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer sees a bunch of idiots standing on the tracks.
Why didn't the engineer cross his own bridge? Because he didn't truss it.
In what language is an electronics engineer fluent? Sine Language
What did the hamster tell the software engineer? "Trust me! All your problems can be solved by doing something in a loop"
Why did the engineer provide a urine sample and his driver’s license? Because he was asked for his P&ID.
If your band ever goes on tour, make sure you bring along an Austrian sound engineer.
And a Czech one, too.
And a Czech one, too.
A boss is about to fire his engineer after a bridge collapses. But after seeing the engineer weeping, tells him "oh cry me a river, just build a new one and get over it."
There was one feminist engineer in the nuclear plant ... Kept asking about the status of the reactress ...
What's the problem with a nuclear engineer with boundary issues? You give them an inch and they take 3 miles.
Why was the spanish train engineer being accused of murder? He had a locomotive.
What kind of drug can you genetically engineer a goat to make? Am-feta-mines.
My audio engineer messed up my tracks. He's gonna get a lot of FLAC for it.
I have a Polish friend who works as an audio engineer. and a Czech one too. Czech one too.
You know you're an engineer when.... You hear 4-20 and think they're talking about an analog current input
How do you know if you're talking to an extroverted engineer? They look at your shoes instead of their own.
An electric engineer electrocuted by accident. he had injuries of 60 hurts
What do you call a stoner engineer? Mary chain
What do you call a mean Jewish engineer? A Rude Goldberg
My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist He's an expert at building bridges
What is the indian hardware engineer's favourite food? NAND bread
In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign
$35,000 - $40,000
An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:
-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!
A QA engineer walks into a bar
He buys a beer.
He buys 2 beers.
He buys 9999999999999999 beers.
He buys -1 beers.
he buys 0.1 beers.
He buys iguana beers.
he buys u9obgn;ufobefo6,.g beers.
he buys 2'); DROP TABLE *; beers.
I've got a Polish friend who's a sound engineer. I've got a Czech one, too.
What is the difference between an engineer and a politician? An engineer has to bias the results himself.
What's the difference between an engineer and an egg? The egg got laid.
Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science? They just couldn't handle the stress.
How much food does a software engineer eat a day? A couple of bytes
What's the difference between a software engineer and a civil engineer? Ctrl-Z
How do you know someone's an atheist vegan engineer who does crossfit? Don't worry, you'd know