Engineer Jokes

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel... The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

A QA Engineer walks into a bar... Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.

The pessimist sees the dark tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.

And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

I asked the engineer, "What's 2+2?" He replied, "4 ... No, 5 just to be safe."

I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed. He said


"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

I have a Polish sound engineer friend. I also have a Czech one, too.

What's the difference between a mechanical and a civil engineer? One builds weapons and the other build targets.

I hate it when I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed

A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.

What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.

What did the boy say to the -1 when it became a 1? Nice abs!!!

As an engineer, avid exerciser, and new father I am very proud of myself.

Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer? Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.

Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5

Ask an engineer and he'll say 4

Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.

Optimist: Glass half full Pessimist : Glass half empty

Engineer: Glass is too tall.

How do you know an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day. Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns.
Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins.
Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings? A complex complex complex.

An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says "Just wait here until I get behind the counter and take your order"

I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day. He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.

I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer And a Czech one too

An engineer major asks... "How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I just got a new job as an elevator engineer It has its ups and downs

A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained

A software testing engineer walks into a bar. and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.

How can you tell that a civil engineer designed the human body? Who else would put a playground next to a toxic waste dump.

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer A mechanical engineer builds weapons, A civil engineer builds targets

How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted? They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.

The pessimist sees a dark, dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees TWO lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer sees a bunch of idiots standing on the tracks.

Why didn't the engineer cross his own bridge? Because he didn't truss it.