I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy. 4G must've fried their brains.
I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer and a Czech one too. Czech one too.
A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.
I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".
A QA Engineer walks into a bar... Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.
The pessimist sees the dark tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.
And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.
"I don't know it's hard to keep track."
I have a Polish sound engineer friend. I also have a Czech one, too.
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII. Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.
What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.
Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...
Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.
Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
How do you know an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.
What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings? A complex complex complex.
An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says "Just wait here until I get behind the counter and take your order"
An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day. He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.
A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven. He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "
I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer And a Czech one too
An engineer major asks...
"How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? Because he didn't understand psychics.
An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit
Engineer 2: dickhole
Engineer 1: almost
The optimist says "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."
I just got a new job as an elevator engineer It has its ups and downs
A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels. Because it's boring.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. The engineer says the glass is too big.
I met an Australian network engineer I asked him "do you come from a LAN down under?"
I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week. Yeah. He had a loco motive.
What did the nuclear engineer have for lunch? Fission chips.
How do you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?
They look at *your* shoes while they talk to you.
A software testing engineer walks into a bar. and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained
What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed? I trussed you.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
There once was a retired engineer who is asked to come fix a major malfunction in a company’s product.
He comes in, turns on a simple switch, and the unit works perfectly. He bills for $101,000.
“How could you possibly charge that much!” said his old boss.
“Simple,” the old man responded. “It’s $1 for the labor of flipping the switch—and $100,999 for knowing which switch to flip.”
My job title is "Thermal Generation Engineer for Recumbent Structural Apparatus." I keep a chair warm.
What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer? A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.
A Physicist, an engineer and an architect are sitting in a taxi.
The engineer says: What makes it drive?
The physicist says: Why does it drive ?
And the architect says: Your fare will be 17.45$.
What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director? They always want the biggest breastworks.
An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...
The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"
What's the difference between a professional engineer and an amateur? How quickly the product dies after the warranty period
I don't think the gender pay gap is real. I think the problem is that men go for higher paying jobs like male doctor, male engineer and male CEO, where as women usually go for lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO.
A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...
"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"
The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."
I would love to work as a railroad engineer But unfortunately I don't have the proper training.
What do you call an engineer that's far away? An engifar
How can you tell that a civil engineer designed the human body? Who else would put a playground next to a toxic waste dump.
Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast? This makes Why's dad proud.
I used to know a Russian sound engineer who said DA to test microphones. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
What does the Engineer smoke? Nickel tin
In what language is an electronics engineer fluent? Sine Language
Engineer at a restaurant:
Engineer at a restaurant (to waiter): bring me something I’ve never had before.....
Waiter: sorry sir! We don’t have and jobs right now.
I caught my INFOSEC engineer doing cocaine today On the upside, he's an excellent packet sniffer.
Why did the engineer provide a urine sample and his driver’s license? Because he was asked for his P&ID.
A programming engineer gets a text from his wife on his way home.
It said "please stop at the shops grab some bread, if they have eggs grab a dozen"
He came home with 12 loaves of bread
How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.
Why was the proud civil engineer salty? He received constructive criticism.
An engineer, a rabbi, a priest, a pilot and a politician walk into a bar. The engineer says, “what is this, some kinda joke?”
What does the German engineer call his very small bicycle? His microfarad.
A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers
Mathematician: π is the most beautiful number
Physicist: I like e most
Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!
What's the difference between an engineer and god? God doesn't think he is an engineer
I have a russian friend who's a sound engineer And a Chzech one too.
What noise does a frog engineer make?
\- 2019, Sam: a dude sisting next to me in class
I've got a Russian friend who's a sound engineer And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived The reason: The engineer was at work
The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!
My friend had trouble getting retirement money after working his entire life as an engineer He was working with sus pension systems
A pessimist, an optimist and an engineer where discussing how full a glass is...
The pessimist says it’s half empty.
The optimist says it’s half full.
The engineer says it’s half as big as it should be to contain the amount in it.
What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue? Sherlock Ohms
Civil engineer fired after forgetting how to design electricity-generating water barriers. He lost his dam mind.
An elderly radio engineer showed up at the house instead of a plumber. "You said you needed some valves replaced."
Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if... ... you want one that just barely stands.
Two engineers walk into a bar..
And order two beers.
The bartender says "I was expecting infinite number of mathematicians"
The engineer says "Nah. We just like to round off!"
How can you tell that an engineer is extroverted? They look at your shoes when they talk.
I asked a railway engineer how many trains he had derailed He said "I don't know, it's hard to keep track."
Which Hollywood actor can be a Software engineer in US? Dev Patel
You Might Be an Engineer If... *You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.*
What type of engine listens the best? An engineer
A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...
A software engineer starts up an online mail service designed with women in mind. What do they call the website? FeMail.com
TIL Johann Travlossky once stopped a moving freight train with his bare hands He was the engineer
Whay did the network engineer start a bingo game? He needed to clear the AARP
Two engineers are about to do something. One says, "first give me a moment." The other engineer hands him a lever.
A boss is about to fire his engineer after a bridge collapses. But after seeing the engineer weeping, tells him "oh cry me a river, just build a new one and get over it."
sees the glass as half full,
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty,
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Why was the train engineer always complimenting his train? It was esteem powered.
What did the bridge engineer say when someone doubted his bridge's structural integrity?
"You're gonna have to truss me on this one."
What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th? Merry CRISPRmas!
A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders 1 beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a bsjskuah.
What’s the difference between a socially awkward engineer and a socially outgoing engineer? The socially awkward engineer looks at their shoes while talking to you, while the socially outgoing engineer looks at your shoes.
There was one feminist engineer in the nuclear plant ... Kept asking about the status of the reactress ...
What's the problem with a nuclear engineer with boundary issues? You give them an inch and they take 3 miles.
Why was the spanish train engineer being accused of murder? He had a locomotive.
What kind of drug can you genetically engineer a goat to make? Am-feta-mines.
How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted? They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.