Engineer Jokes

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Funniest Engineer Jokes

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy. 4G must've fried their brains.

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Funny Engineer Jokes

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel... The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

A QA Engineer walks into a bar... Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.

The pessimist sees the dark tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.

And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed. He said


"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

I have a Polish sound engineer friend. I also have a Czech one, too.

A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.

My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII. Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.

What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5

Ask an engineer and he'll say 4

Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer? Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.

Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.

How do you know an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings? A complex complex complex.

An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says "Just wait here until I get behind the counter and take your order"

An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day. He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven. He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer And a Czech one too

An engineer major asks... "How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? Because he didn't understand psychics.

An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit Engineer 2: dickhole

Engineer 1: almost

Perspective The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

I just got a new job as an elevator engineer It has its ups and downs

A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels. Because it's boring.

A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. The engineer says the glass is too big.

I met an Australian network engineer I asked him "do you come from a LAN down under?"

I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week. Yeah. He had a loco motive.

What did the nuclear engineer have for lunch? Fission chips.

Engineers How do you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

They look at *your* shoes while they talk to you.

A software testing engineer walks into a bar. and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained

What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed? I trussed you.

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New Engineer Jokes

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer? A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

A Physicist, an engineer and an architect are sitting in a taxi. The engineer says: What makes it drive?
The physicist says: Why does it drive ?
And the architect says: Your fare will be 17.45$.

What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director? They always want the biggest breastworks.

An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi... The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"

How can you tell that a civil engineer designed the human body? Who else would put a playground next to a toxic waste dump.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast? This makes Why's dad proud.

I caught my INFOSEC engineer doing cocaine today On the upside, he's an excellent packet sniffer.

How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.

Why was the proud civil engineer salty? He received constructive criticism.

What does the German engineer call his very small bicycle? His microfarad.

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers Mathematician: π is the most beautiful number
Physicist: I like e most
Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

What's the difference between an engineer and god? God doesn't think he is an engineer

I've got a Russian friend who's a sound engineer And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!

What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue? Sherlock Ohms

Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if... ... you want one that just barely stands.

Two engineers walk into a bar.. And order two beers.

The bartender says "I was expecting infinite number of mathematicians"

The engineer says "Nah. We just like to round off!"

How can you tell that an engineer is extroverted? They look at your shoes when they talk.

What type of engine listens the best? An engineer

A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Why was the train engineer always complimenting his train? It was esteem powered.

What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th? Merry CRISPRmas!

What's the problem with a nuclear engineer with boundary issues? You give them an inch and they take 3 miles.

What kind of drug can you genetically engineer a goat to make? Am-feta-mines.

How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted? They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer A mechanical engineer builds weapons, A civil engineer builds targets

I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways... But they said they couldn't train me.

The pessimist sees a dark, dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees TWO lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer sees a bunch of idiots standing on the tracks.

A QA engineer walks into a bar He buys a beer.

He buys 2 beers.

He buys 9999999999999999 beers.

He buys -1 beers.

he buys 0.1 beers.

He buys iguana beers.

he buys u9obgn;ufobefo6,.g beers.

he buys 2'); DROP TABLE *; beers.

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.

What's the difference between an engineer and an egg? The egg got laid.

How much food does a software engineer eat a day? A couple of bytes

God is obviously a Civil Engineer... ... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

Job choices for Asians 1. Doctor
2. Lawyer
3. Engineer
4. Shame of family

How we know that God is not an engineer When designing the human body, an engineer would not run a sewer line through a recreational area.

A starship engineer trades half their ship's cargo... For a sub light engine. The captain finds out and is angry:
"Why did you trade valuable cargo for something 1/10th the value?"
The engineer replies: "Sorry captain, it was an impulse buy"

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "What is 1 + 1"? The mathematician says "2"

The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"

The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

Optimists, pessimists, and engineers An optimist sees a glass half full.
A pessimist sees a glass half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.

What does as electronic engineer make for breakfast? Ohmlettes

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Long Engineer Jokes

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"

Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please."

The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please."

They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.

"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"

After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train."

On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please."

All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."

The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."

The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"

The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”

She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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