I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy. 4G must've fried their brains.
A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.
I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".
A QA Engineer walks into a bar... Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.
The pessimist sees the dark tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.
And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.
"I don't know it's hard to keep track."
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII. Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.
What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.
Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...
Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.
Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
How do you know an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.
An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says "Just wait here until I get behind the counter and take your order"
An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day. He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.
A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven. He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "
An engineer major asks...
"How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit
Engineer 2: dickhole
Engineer 1: almost
The optimist says "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."
A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. The engineer says the glass is too big.
I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week. Yeah. He had a loco motive.
How do you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?
They look at *your* shoes while they talk to you.
A software testing engineer walks into a bar. and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer? A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.
A Physicist, an engineer and an architect are sitting in a taxi.
The engineer says: What makes it drive?
The physicist says: Why does it drive ?
And the architect says: Your fare will be 17.45$.
What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director? They always want the biggest breastworks.
An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...
The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"
How can you tell that a civil engineer designed the human body? Who else would put a playground next to a toxic waste dump.
Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast? This makes Why's dad proud.
I caught my INFOSEC engineer doing cocaine today On the upside, he's an excellent packet sniffer.
How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.
A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers
Mathematician: π is the most beautiful number
Physicist: I like e most
Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!
The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!
Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if... ... you want one that just barely stands.
Two engineers walk into a bar..
And order two beers.
The bartender says "I was expecting infinite number of mathematicians"
The engineer says "Nah. We just like to round off!"
A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...
What's the problem with a nuclear engineer with boundary issues? You give them an inch and they take 3 miles.
How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted? They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer A mechanical engineer builds weapons, A civil engineer builds targets
I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways... But they said they couldn't train me.
The pessimist sees a dark, dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees TWO lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer sees a bunch of idiots standing on the tracks.
A QA engineer walks into a bar
He buys a beer.
He buys 2 beers.
He buys 9999999999999999 beers.
He buys -1 beers.
he buys 0.1 beers.
He buys iguana beers.
he buys u9obgn;ufobefo6,.g beers.
he buys 2'); DROP TABLE *; beers.
God is obviously a Civil Engineer... ... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.
How we know that God is not an engineer When designing the human body, an engineer would not run a sewer line through a recreational area.
A starship engineer trades half their ship's cargo...
For a sub light engine. The captain finds out and is angry:
"Why did you trade valuable cargo for something 1/10th the value?"
The engineer replies: "Sorry captain, it was an impulse buy"
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "What is 1 + 1"?
The mathematician says "2"
The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"
The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".
Optimists, pessimists, and engineers
An optimist sees a glass half full.
A pessimist sees a glass half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.