Emo Jokes

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Funniest Emo Jokes

I started an emo salsa band We're called Hispanic at the Disco

What do you call an emo accapella group? Self harmony.

What do you call a committee of emo kids? A cutting board

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first? The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

What do you call an emo accapello group? Self Harmony

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock? So he could wake up inside.

What do you call an emo vegetable? A despair-agus

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first? The leaf.

The emo is stopped by the rope.

Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour.

How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? You cut the rope

I wish I had emo hair So it would cut itself.

I keep having flashbacks to my emo phase. I think I might have PTXD.

What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket? Cut in line.

[Dark Humor] A leaf and an emo falls off a tree. Who hits the ground first? A leaf, because rope stops emo.

What do you call a emo acapella group? Self harmony

I just planted emo grass. Ignore it and it cuts itself.

An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree... they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

What do you call an emo a cappella group? Self Harmony

How do you get an emo out of a tree? Untie the rope...

What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard? Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.

How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope imsosorry:(

I wish my hair was like an emo kid So, it would cut itself

How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.

An emo girl and a leaf fall out of a tree Who hits the ground first?

The leaf, because the rope catches the emo

what do you call an emo acapella group? Self Harmony

Edit: sorry about the repost, I honestly didn't see it last week and saw it on Yik Yak

What do you call an emo kids cartoon? Disney XD.

I wish my grass was emo Then maybe it would cut itself

I was walking past a construction site and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... ...in morse code.

[Credit goes to Emo Phillips]

How do you get an emo off your balcony? You encourage them

What do you call a depressed gang member? An emoji... Emo g, get it? From my 13 year old son

I wish my grass... was emo so it could cut itself

What do you call a robotic emo that likes dark humor. Cutting edge technology

Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park? He kept cutting in line.

I'm sick of emo kids walking school around with their shaved heads Oh wait, that's the chemo kids

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

I went to the bakery and asked for Emo Cake... Baker: Emo cake? Whats that?

Me: It's cake that cuts itself...

Apparently I wasn't accepted to the local emo club. ...They said I wasn't cut out for it.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo So it would just cut itself

Emo girls be like- how much am I worth... Girl scan the code on your wrist

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New Emo Jokes

How do emo bands prepare for their shows? They self-harmonize.

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first? The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb? You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark.

Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.

Have you ever heard of emo pizza? You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

What do you call a group of emo kids Suicide squad

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree what falls first? The leaf because the emo was stopped by the rope

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, who hits the ground first? The leaf, the rope stopped the emo

An emo kid applied for the marines last week... He made the cut.

A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st? The leaf, A rope stops the Emo

Did you hear about the girl who wasn't accepted into the emo club? She couldn't make the cut.

What did the emo kid want for christmas? A shaving kit.

Don’t you wish your grass was emo So it can cut its self

When I was in School this emo girl was caught jacking off her boyfriend. Whether it be in the lunchroom, the classroom, the bathroom, etc. She always was jacking him off. Last I heard the girl got expelled and the guy got off.

What is the benefit of having emo grass? It cuts itself

Emo grass is the best to have for your lawn It will cut itself

What do you call an obese emo teenager An edgelard.

Alternatively, names.

What do you call an emo person with cancer Chemo

What kind of grass is the best kind of grass? Emo grass since it cuts itself

Zack Snyder's DCEU movies resemble emo teens a little bit too much. Dark, devoid of fun, sometimes cringy and cuts everywhere.

Sometimes they even cut something very important.

I regret going to an emo barber. Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

What do you call a baby goth bird? An emo chick.

Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

Want some emo coffee? It's fresh brood!

I asked a emo girl out yesterday but got turned down. She's probably just waiting for her prince harming.

My emo friend needed a new truck... They decided on the Titan XD

I don't see why people say that emo kid doesn't like to hangout I seen them hanging all day.

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event? Fund razor.

They just started a new Emo club at my school Unfortunately though, I didn't make the cut

Did you hear about the Mexican emo band? They're called 'Hispanic at the Disco'

Emo Friend Is Bad At Shaving My emo friend is really bad at shaving.
Whenever he shaves, it always cuts his skin.


I don't know why he shaves his wrists though.

I really love my emo grass. It cuts itself

what did the emo dolphin say? theres no porpoise in life

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself!

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist. Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

I just bought some of that new Emo grass. It’s fantastic as it cuts itself!

Why do you always high five the emo kid? You can't leave them hanging...

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you. Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

What do you call an ostrich going trough their emo stage? An emu

Why did the emo try and cross the road Because there was heavy traffic

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Long Emo Jokes

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I lent a friend $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like."

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

* Emo Philips

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
- Emo Philips

The Jumper

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


[credit to Emo Philips]

A man wants to jump off a bridge...

(This joke is courtesy of Emo Philips)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious?"

He said yes.

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist"

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

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PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in the 80s - I really loved it and wanted to share it here

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man said, “I used to believe in God.”



I said, “That’s good. Were you a Christian or a Jew?”



He said, “Christian.”



I said, “Me too! Were you protestant or Catholic?”



He said, “Protestant.”



I said, “Me too! What denomination?”



He said, “Baptist.”



I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”



He said, “Northern Baptist.”



I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”



He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”



I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?”



He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.”



I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Eastern Region.”



He said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region.”



I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region—Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region—Council of 1912.”



He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region—Council of 1912.”


I said, "DIE HERETIC!" and pushed him off.

(source: Emo Philips. Tweaked a tiny bit to work better as a standalone text joke instead of a stand-up bit.)

I saw a guy on the Golden Gate Bridge, about to jump.

I thought I'd try to stall him.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "You're not the only person who isn't loved. Besides, you're forgetting about God. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "I use to believe in God."
I said, "That's good. Were you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist"
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

*As told by Emo Philips.*

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