Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

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Funniest Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them. So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...

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So that he could teach himself CPR

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Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Funny Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

I've spent the last two years looking for my girlfriend's killer. But no one will do it.

- Anthony Jeselnik

My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me



Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriend


Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... But so far no one will do it..


Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.

I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon... Some lines must not be crossed.

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(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend

---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik

My parenrs were very principled people... When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..


..about brand loyalty.


_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby. "Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.

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*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

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(Anthony Jeselnik)

I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious. Nobody saw me.

Anthony Jeselnik.

Jaime and Cersei This joke from Anthony Jeselnik's Fire in the Maternity Ward:

My sister had a baby to try to “save the relationship.” But I still don’t talk to her.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person.... so i can get a better girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means? Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's..... that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."


- Anthony Jeselnik

This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office... I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

My dad got a gun to protect the 4 kids. Then got rid of the gun to protect the 3 kids.



(Credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

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Long Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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EDIT: I found the joke in a medical group (in a different language and translated it, hence the difference in phrasing) and thought since it's in a different language it's not that well known, but since it's actually from Anthony Jeselnik show, credit goes to him.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head." - Anthony Jeselnik

Careful what you wish for!

I don’t think I ever got over
my grandmother’s death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I’m just careful what I wish for.

—Anthony Jeselnik

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

Talking to a blonde at the bar last night (My favorite joke)

So I was at the bar last night and I saw this beautiful blonde woman across the room. I was so enchanted by her super-model like beauty that I walked over and started talking to her. I asked her what she does and she told me that she's a neurosurgeon.

Now I don't know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed. Usually, most women can't pull off sarcasm.

Credit: Heard this from the comedian Anthony Jeselnik from his stand up on netflix.

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.




credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Two amazing jokes by Anthony Jeselnik

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head."

My mom was the worst at having to break bad news to me

My mom was the worst at having to break bad news to me. I remember i came home from school one day and she said, “Anthony, i don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been having an affair, and you can’t tell dad. I said, "well why not?”
She said, “Because he just passed away. - Anthony Jeselnik

Can someone please explain this joke to me? I really don't get it.

So I was watching this stand-up comic named Anthony Jeselnik and while the rest of his show is hilarious, there was one joke I just don't get at all.

"I once mowed the lawn at a battered woman's shelter... if you know what I mean".

Yea; I'm seriously stumped.

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