Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them. So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...

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So that he could teach himself CPR

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Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 19
Funny Anthony Jeselnik Jokes
Score: 15

I've spent the last two years looking for my girlfriend's killer. But no one will do it.

- Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 9

My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me



Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 8

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 6

Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriend


Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 6

I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... But so far no one will do it..


Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.

Score: 5

I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon... Some lines must not be crossed.

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(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)

Score: 4

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend

---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 4

My parenrs were very principled people... When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..


..about brand loyalty.


_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 3

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby. "Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.

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*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

Score: 3

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

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(Anthony Jeselnik)

Score: 3

I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious. Nobody saw me.

Anthony Jeselnik.

Score: 3

Jaime and Cersei This joke from Anthony Jeselnik's Fire in the Maternity Ward:

My sister had a baby to try to “save the relationship.” But I still don’t talk to her.

Score: 2

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person.... so i can get a better girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 2

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means? Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

Score: 2

"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's..... that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."


- Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 2

This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office... I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

Score: 2

My dad got a gun to protect the 4 kids. Then got rid of the gun to protect the 3 kids.



(Credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

Score: 1

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