My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.
So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...
So that he could teach himself CPR
Credit: Anthony Jeselnik
I've spent the last two years looking for my girlfriend's killer.
But no one will do it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it
But he wouldnt tell me
Credits: Anthony Jeselnik
I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik
Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...
... and then blame it on the boyfriend
Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik
I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer...
But so far no one will do it..
Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.
I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon...
Some lines must not be crossed.
(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person
So I can get a better girlfriend
---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik
My parenrs were very principled people...
When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik
I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.
"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*
You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...
And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious.
Nobody saw me.
Jaime and Cersei
This joke from Anthony Jeselnik's Fire in the Maternity Ward:
My sister had a baby to try to “save the relationship.” But I still don’t talk to her.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person.... so i can get a better girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik
I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?
Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.
(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)
"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....
that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."
- Anthony Jeselnik
This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office...
I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)
My dad got a gun to protect the 4 kids.
Then got rid of the gun to protect the 3 kids.
(Credit: Anthony Jeselnik)