My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.
So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...
So that he could teach himself CPR
Credit: Anthony Jeselnik
I've spent the last two years looking for my girlfriend's killer.
But no one will do it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it
But he wouldnt tell me
Credits: Anthony Jeselnik
I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik
Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...
... and then blame it on the boyfriend
Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik
My sister had a baby to save the relationship...
But i still don’t talk to her.
Credit: anthony jeselnik
I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer...
But so far no one will do it..
Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person
So I can get a better girlfriend
---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik
I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon...
Some lines must not be crossed.
(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)
I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.
"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*
I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious.
Nobody saw me.
My parenrs were very principled people...
When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik
You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...
And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....
that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."
- Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person.... so i can get a better girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik
This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office...
I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)
Jaime and Cersei
This joke from Anthony Jeselnik's Fire in the Maternity Ward:
My sister had a baby to try to “save the relationship.” But I still don’t talk to her.
I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?
Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.
(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)
My dad got a gun to protect the 4 kids.
Then got rid of the gun to protect the 3 kids.
(Credit: Anthony Jeselnik)