Cowboy Jokes

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Funniest Cowboy Jokes

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

Funny Cowboy Jokes

A lot of conflict in the Wild West.... ....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97 So he rounded them up.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

​

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.



...I'll see myself out. :-/

Me reshaping history with one joke. I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

What is it called when a Cowboy dies and then is resurrected into a new life? Reintarnation.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life? Reintarnation

What does the Chinese cowboy say? Yeehao ?

A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps. The next day he pooped his pants.

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, "Audi".

A cowboy opens a German car dealership His business card says "Audi Partner"

Where does a cowboy go to find love? On Yee-Harmony.







(C) I tell jokes at work & honestly made this one up, I'm pretty stoked, please share if you liked it!)

A cowboy counted 48 horses on his property, but when he rounded them up... he had 50.

Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich? Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

Why aren't cowboy jokes funny? Ya herd one, ya herd em all.

Ninja Joke Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?
Shuriken.

How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ? Ni haody

The first job I ever had was ironing cowboy clothes. Howdy pressing.

What type of car does a cowboy drive? Audi partner.

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? To get a long little doggie

Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle? In case of any night mares!

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.

What happens when a Buddhist cowboy dies? Reintarnation

Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund To get a long little doggy

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom, And he says "Audi!"

What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership? Audi...

An Indian and a cowboy were buffalo hunting together The Indian suddenly knelt down, pressed his ear against the ground and said "Buffalo come."

The cowboy was amazed by this and asked him "how do you know this?"

The Indian replied: "Sticky."

What do you call a cowboy comedian? A punslinger.

Abuse of police powers. A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.

The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."

And the cowboy says "What for?"

The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows I said, “Sure, that’s 20 cows.”

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because he wanted to get a long little doggy :)

What do a pimp and a cowboy have in common? They both know how to throw a ho-down.

Why did the cowboy adopt the weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy!

If you put on cowboy clothes, are you technically, ranch dressing?

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because someone told him to get a long little doggie.

A cowboy asked me if I can help him round up 18 cows... I said, "Of course I can. That's 20 cows."

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. He's wearing a paper hat, a paper shirt, vest, jacket and pants. He even had a paper holster for his six-shooter.

He wasn't in town 10 minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession? “Howdy, pardoner!”

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New Cowboy Jokes

Cowboy 1: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped alive? Cowboy 2: Not off the top of my head.

what do you call someone working as a cowboy an emplo-yee

I believe a lot of conflict in the west Could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone

Why did the cowboy want to buy a dachshund? To git along little doggie

How does a Chinese cowboy say hello? Nihowdy

What do you get from a cowboy and a hippie? A cowpie

Yee haw A cowboy comes riding into town one day, only hes riding on the horses head. One of the townsfolk ask him as he riding by, "how do you stay on that horse so good"? To which the cowboy replies "its not a horse, its a unicorn"!

Man goes to work on a ranch "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'

What did the horse say to the cowboy Ride me longer

Why didn't the cowboy believe the italicized headline about his recent demise? Because it had shifty i's, that's why.

What did the cowboy car salesman say to the other cowboy car salesman? Haudi

What does a narcissistic cowboy say? Mee-haw.

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the Old West. If only the cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone else.

A cowboy enters an outhouse and hears a noise down the hole He looks down it and notices a Native American

He yells down “How long have you been down there!”

The Indian responds: “Many moons... many... many moons”

How does a car loving cowboy say hello? Audi

What do you call a cowboy terrorist? A yee-hawdist!

What does a German cowboy say when he enters a bar? Audi...

Can't believe cowboy got KO'd with a kick we were all expecting a punch-line.

congratulations McGregor !

Before the UFC McGregor vs Cowboy fight, I was looking at both of those beasts of men and thinking “how are we even the same species as each other?” But then one guy only lasted 40 seconds, and I was like, “Wow, he and I have so much in common!”

What do you call a mentally deficient cowboy on welfare? Slow on the draw.

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the sides? So they can fit three in the pickup

Two cowboys gazing into the desert horizon see a group of Indians riding horses towards them. Are they allies or enemies? Cowboy 1 asks... Cowboy 2: they're definitely allies coz they come altogether.

Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog? Someone told him to "get a long doggy".

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'

A cowboy walks into a bar... He became a cowman

(Don't roast me too much... it's my first time posting)

The cowboy enters the saloon -Who painted my horse blue??

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

-It was me, you have a problem with that?

-I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating.

What do you call it when a cowboy dumps ranch on his eggs? huevos rancheros

Date [sitting on couch] I love scary movies. **Me:** OK, but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls.

**Date:** Sounds good!

**Me:** The cowboy one is called Woody.

What dose a cowboy drug addict say before doing heroin “Rootin tootin ready for shootin”

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? Someone told him, “Get along, little doggie.”

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada? Just aboot

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse? Because you can only get down from a goose.

What does a millennial cowboy say? Yeet Haw!

What did the cowboy say to his wife that was trying to settle on getting a Dachshund or a St. Bernard? You should get a long little doggie.

What does a cowboy say when they’re angry? REEEEEEE Haw

How does a german cowboy say hi? Audi

What does a Chinese Cowboy say? Ni Hao-dy

Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog? Because he wanted to “get a long little doggy”.

There were 19 cows in a pasture A cowboy came by and asked me to help him round them up.

I said “sure”... “there’s about twenty”.

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course, that’s 20 cows.’

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Long Cowboy Jokes

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’”

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses,

"You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."

Blonds and Blind Cowboys

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head

and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

The cow boys watch....

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date

Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job.

One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history of white collar jobs. The other was a blue-collar man who’d worked the factory floor and knew what it was like to do all of the labor he would be managing.

The CEO had a very difficult choice. In order to decide he told the two men to each write a poem. The two conditions were that they had to write it in thirty seconds, and they had to use the word “Timbuktu”.

Thinking that he could beat any stupid cowboy, the Harvard grad went first. After thinking for about a minute, he came up with the following:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The CEO was fairly pleased, and doubted the cowboy could top that, but he gave him a shot regardless. As his time passed, the cowboy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman...

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No." he replies "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "It must be broken because I *am* wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

A cowboy, who just

moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

A cowboy...

... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.

This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."

A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

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