How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise... I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!
I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come... Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish
Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa? Because they’re the one who make the toys.
A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus? Because they make the toys.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The way they traveled through the chimney.
I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? You have to be asleep or they can't come.
How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?.... Because he only comes once a year, and when he does it's down the chimney.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? Santa goes *down* the chimney.
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They both come when you're alseep.
4 stages of life....
1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You are Santa.
4) You look like Santa.
The reason why Santa is so jolly ...is he knows where all the bad girls live.
4 stages of life
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don´t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why is Santa's sack so full? Because he only comes once a year
Why does Santa have the best job in the world? He knows where all the naughty girls live
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.
Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce? The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common? They only come if you're sleeping.
A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.
"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.
"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."
Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves? Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.
What does Bill Cosby have in common with Santa? They both come while you sleep
What does Santa Claus and Michael Jackson have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come.... Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at 3 Ho's
Why doesn't santa give gifts to black people? Because jails haven't needed chimneys since the Holocaust.
What do you call Santa after a divorce? A Single Kringle ready to Jingle.
The perfect celebrity candidate for the job of being santa is...
John Cena of course.
Because NO ONE CAN SEE HIM !!!
I got a lump of coal last Christmas... Jokes on you Santa! I’m too poor to afford heating!
Why does santa carry such a large Sack Well he does only comes once a year....
What do you call a kinky Santa? A subordinate clause
When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was incredibly sad. But then I bumped into him at the mall last December and he cleared that all up for me! Nice joke, Dad!
What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped after three hoes.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at three ho's.
A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa. She claims he called her a hoe three times.
Which was Santa’s worst and least known reindeer?
Olive, the other reindeer.
Since Tiger Woods is back in the news and it's the holiday season....
What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stopped at 3 ho's
Santa Claus must be Asian.. That's why all of his toys say "Made in China."
What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?
They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)
A little girl is visiting Santa Claus and asks for Barbie and G.I. Joe.
Santa, confused, replies "but doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
What do the lady reindeer do while the men are out with Santa on Christmas Eve? They all head down to the Elks club and blow a few bucks.
I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.
A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,
"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"
What happened to the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to santa
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They both come when you're asleep.
Why did Santa's elves spend a week living with 50 Cent? So they could improve their wrapping skills!
Why is Santa Clause such a jolly old man? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his souls to Santa
My kids said I'm like Santa... They stopped believing in me years ago.
What was Santa feeling while stuck in the chimney? He was feeling claus-trophobic.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney.
What does Santa say to bad girls? Hoe hoe hoe
Hey, girl, do you believe in Santa... Or should I smash through your chimney dressed as something else?
What's the worst thing about the poles melting? Santa is drowning...
What do you call Santa Claus working on a farm?
A jolly rancher!
Why does Santa always get sick on Christmas? Because he's always coming down with something
A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first? No one, none of them exists.
What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
Why does Santa only come once a year? Because his in jail for breaking and entering.
An English Joke
What happens to Santa when he gets addicted to heroin?
He becomes a dependent clause
What's Santa's favourite band? Sleigher.
How many reindeer were left after Santa got stranded in the mountains? Only one. Donner ate the rest.
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins? The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
Santa was late delivering presents on Christmas because his reindeer needed so many coffee breaks They were all star bucks
What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at three Ho's
I read in a /r/ShowerThoughts post that there's six days between Christmas and the New Year that are undocumented where you can essentially do anything you want... But I'm sure Santa has some Clause about that.
I don't believe in Santa I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because Mrs. Claus told him he'd never get in the back door.
Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you... I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three ho's
Why is Santa always jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I don't think Santa would be able to visit USA this year! After all, Donald Trump hates them with beards!
I live in Santa Monica, Los Angeles. My girlfriend is taking a flight from London to come see me. I have promised her that I'll go pick her up from the airport We'll both leave our respective houses at the same time :|
The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because... he knows where all the bad girls live. :3
Who is Santa Claus?
Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?
What do black fathers and Santa Claus have in common? Neither are going to show up on one special day of the year to give you gifts and neither really existed in the first place.
How do you know Santa Claus is married? He only comes once a year.
why was santa's little helper so depressed? he had low elf esteem!
Where does Santa's stripper mom work? The North Pole
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa Claus stops after three ho's.
I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three ho's
Why is Santa's ball sack so big? He only comes once a year.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Ho's.
some jokes I came up with when I was 10-13 years old
*what does Santa want for Christmas? Hoe Hoe Hoes
*what do hunters like to do? Shoot birds
*what did the tree say when the math teacher passed by? Gee-I'm-a-tree
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at three hoes.
(sorry if repost)