Crazy Jokes

Contents

Funniest Crazy Jokes

Funny Crazy Jokes

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog

Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns. It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction. She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.

A kid gets home very distressed... And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:
And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"

"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!"

is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people... Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed.. Getting 8 hours of sleep

They say that coconut water is good for hair. Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel? Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

How does a crazy person walk through the forest? He takes the psychopath.

Crazy exes are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog

Did you hear about the party thief? I mean I've seen some crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake.

Crazy ex's are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog

Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s furniture Emporium.

Crazy ex-gilrfriends are like a box of chocolates. They’ll kill your dog.

Why did the crazy mexican crash a train? He had loco motives...

I'll show myself out

I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it... ..something about waiting until she was born

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall. We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it. Something about "Waiting until he's born".

Some people say I am crazy Lucky for me, only I can hear them

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods? They take the psycho path.

A ship is sailing through the sea... passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days... My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

I met a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray. Crazy conversations, he was definitely a seasoned veteran.

My roommate thinks i'm crazy Jokes on him i don't have a roommate.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer today... I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy

they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money? Blacking out and gaining money.

Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy

had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away? NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion.. He said fine, you’re ugly too

-Rodney Dangerfield
-

Popular Topics

New Crazy Jokes

My therapist said that I was crazy I said “I want a second opinion!”

He said “ok, you’re ugly too!”

After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher. I guess I got carried away.

I think this is funny A wife asked her husband : if i die what would happen to you ?
Husband : i would go crazy!! why would you say that
Wife : so you wouldn't get married again ?
Husband : a crazy man might do anything

A man is driving in the highway When his wife calls him very saying "watch out, a crazy man is driving into oncoming traffic in the highway you usually take to work"

The man replies: "one? Everyone is doing it"

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released.

Females call me Little Ceasar Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

What’s a fireman’s worst enemy? Crazy wet hoes.

What do you call crazy judge who sentences seconds after the hearing begins? Judgemental

A woman saw in the news that a crazy driver was going in the opposite direction on a one way road, so she called to warn her husband. Her husband said "it's not just one, honey, it's all of them!"

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree. That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second, “have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.

​

The second cow replies, “good thing I‘m a helicopter.”

What do crazy people do when they get lost in the woods? They take the psychopath!

I'm not gaslighting you You're crazy

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ? A Loco-motive!

A crazy man was in a mental hospital, received an envelope, opened it and took out a blank piece of paper. He looked at his roommate and said: -"It's my brother, we haven't spoken in 6 months..."

Did you hear about the COVID-19 spreading like crazy in Italy? Looks like it's being pasta around.

"Doc I need your help! My brother's crazy he thinks he's a chicken!" Shocked, the doctor says "Why don't you turn him in?"

"I would but I need the eggs!"

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first. Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet. Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

My friend was bitten by a Great White at a New Jersey beach. Well, he actually used the phrase "Superior Aryan." Either way he was one crazy skinhead.

Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris? Many people say he’s inseine

People who vaccinate their kids are crazy People who vaccinate their kids are crazy because I had a doctor do it.

My crazy ex girlfriend loved to have bikes ridden over her What an absolute cyclepath

People always fondly say, "If these walls could talk, they could tell some crazy stories" Don't bother, my walls could talk and all they did was moan my dad's name

People in China eat all kinds of crazy foods But for some reason they only take halal organ donors

What is the similarity between a bar and a bra ? They both drive men crazy when they open.

So i asked my Spanish friend about the crazy pattern on the train "Man that's a locomotive"

Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way...

I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much.

It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato.

I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing.

So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(

I thought I was going crazy when I heard my laptop singing It makes sense though since it’s a Dell.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I did something crazy the other day... ...I used the toilet without playing on my smartphone.

Instead I played with myself.

Did you hear about the girl who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time? She became a little spore addict.

I started a carrot club. It's underground. The turnip is crazy too

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless... I was like 0mg

There was a huge fight at the boat store. Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.

It was quite an oar deal.

Women are crazy You give women an inch and they leave you to take seven from some other dude

What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts? Purrkour

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole. Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

What's the difference between a hooker and a wife? I hooker will drive you crazy for 50 minutes using her tongue

A wife will drive you crazy for 50 years using her mouth

What does a crazy caterpillar create in order to turn into a butterfly? [OC] A cuckoo-n!

Popular Topics

Long Crazy Jokes

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

Have you tried duct tape?

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"

Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,

"Dude I have had this problem before."

"Really?" asks Dave.

"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."

Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.

The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.

"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.

"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."

"So what happened?!" presses Mike.

"Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."

Dave trails off.

"What did you say to her?" Mike asks

"I kicked her in the face."

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...

The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ...

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..

Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner......

If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.

The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.

Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

Three friends die and go to heaven...

When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck."

"Ducks?"

"Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter."
So the friends enter heaven, and much to their suprise, there are ducks everywhere. Every square yard there were probably 2 ducks. The first friend takes the warning lightly and accidentally steps on a duck the first day, and as punishment the most hidiously ugly person gets put in front of him to look at for all of eternity. The person was like uglier than the mcpoyles, he/she (because the friend coudn't tell if it was a boy or a girl) was really really ugly.

So the second and third friends see this and say to themselves that they would never step on a duck. But sure enough the second friend steps on a duck in the third week and gets the same punishment as the first friend. So the third friend vows to never move, and only move if absolutely necessary,

After about 7 months a beautiful woman comes down from the sky, and I'm talking crazy hot, almost angelic. The third friend gets to look at her forever, and asks, "what could I have possibly done to deserve this?"

And she says, "I don't know but I stepped on a duck."

edit: made it into paragraphs

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing."

Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar.

As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?"

The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."

He Asked His Wife To Bury Him With ALL His Money, So This Is What She Did

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.

He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"



She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”

Donald Trump and Barack Obama go to the same barber...

...and one day, they walk in at the same time. Neither of them acknowledges the other. They both sit down, and have their hair cut at the same time by different barbers. The politicians don't speak, and neither do their barbers, lest the topic of politics come up.

After many minutes of silence, Trump's barber asks him if he wants a shave. Trump replies, "Fine, but skip the aftershave. I don't want my wife smelling me and thinking I've been to a *whorehouse!*"

Soon after, Obama's barber asks him if he would like a shave. Obama answers, "Of course, and go crazy with the aftershave. My wife has never been to a whorehouse, and certainly doesn't know what one *smells* like!"

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,
“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.

The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.

The manager asks, “What are you doing? The work isn’t finished yet!”

To which the second worker responds,

“How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?”

Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...

And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"

And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"

And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."

The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, "what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"

To which he replies, "well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!"

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!’

Murphy said, ‘Well how do you think I feel? I don't even remember which bar I lost the sausage in!"

Edit: Spelling. I suck lol

The new recruit

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any germans to point the broom handle at them and shout "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" to kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and heads out. While on patrol he comes across a German soldier. The German reaches for his rifle, so with no other option the recruit points his broom and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" and to his surprise the German drops dead. When he arrives back he immediately thanks the captain.

A couple of weeks went by and our guy had become quite the crackshot, even having a telescopic sight fixed to his broom. One day he was scouting the enemy position from under some bushes when he bumps into a German crawling the other way, in the cramped space he barely manages to point his broom at the German in time, so he returns to his captain and demands a weapon for close quarters combat. The captain takes a piece of string out of his drawer and tells him to hit an enemy with it and shout "STAB STAB STABBITY STAB". This time he trusts the captain and sure enough it works great.

Another couple of weeks go by and our guy is a legend. He kills dozens of Germans with his broom and string and receives several awards. One day while on patrol in a forest he sees a crazy German soldier in the distance running towards him and shouting at the top of his voice. He is pretty confident in his abilities, takes careful aim and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" but the German keeps on coming. He aims again "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" and again nothing. The German is getting really close so he takes out his string, but as he swings it out and shouts "STAB STAB STABBITY STAB" the German just runs straight into him, knocking him clear off his feet into a tree and breaking several bones. As he lies there dying the German slows down and comes back for a look. He finds our hero lying crushed on the ground asking how this happened. He laughs, turns around and runs off, resuming his shouts of "TANK TANK TANKITY TANK".

This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves.
He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!...let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all"
Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ....8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.

I immediately began searching for him. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.

In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. 

Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"

The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50."

So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50."

So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees.

The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?"

The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."


The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."


So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.


The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."


So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.


They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."


So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.


Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.


The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.


Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"


The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"


"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Popular Topics