Bear Jokes


Funniest Bear Jokes

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

Score: 11974

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...

Score: 3285

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a" The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Score: 1888

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping... ...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

Score: 1818

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

Score: 1688
Funny Bear Jokes
Score: 1624

Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

Score: 1411

What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

Score: 943

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have" The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

Score: 424

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)

Score: 381

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.

Score: 362

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he'll have.

The bear says "I guess I'll have"

The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

Score: 358

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Score: 332

Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was polar.

Score: 331

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

Score: 306

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

Score: 277

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

Score: 244

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

Score: 224

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Score: 195

A bear climbs a tree.... a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

Score: 187

What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle? A Polar Bear

Score: 186

A man walks into a bear The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

Score: 173

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Score: 172

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room.. It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

Score: 171

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh

Score: 167

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle? the Polar Bear

Score: 158

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Score: 152

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

Score: 142

One of my campers made this up today: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Score: 134

Why did the grizzly get an F on his project? Because he did the bear minimum.

Score: 133

Tip for when you are attacked by a bear Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

Score: 67

What is the difference between a polar bear and the World Series? One has cubs

Score: 51

One my 5 yr old told me: why didn’t my teddy bear get invited to thanksgiving? He ‘s already stuffed!

Score: 17

What do you get when you cross a grizzly bear with a lawn mower? Killed.

Score: 9

Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.

Score: 7

If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.

Score: 7

If you drop a brown bear and a white bear into a lake, which one dissolves first? The white one, because it's **Polar**.

Score: 7

The Koala should be classified as a bear It has all the Koalafications

Score: 6

If I find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant... I'm going to kill him with my bear hands!

Score: 5

My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

Score: 5

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New Bear Jokes

What do you call a bi polar polor-bear thats ready to leave its home A Bi Bye bye Polor Polor bear shout out to Nsync🤣

Score: 0

Why did the factory raising grizzlies for their hides not get shut down permanently by the court? They had a right to bear farms.

Score: 0

Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper? They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

Score: 0

What do you do when you come across a grizzly bear in the mountains? No need to do anything. The bear will do it all for you.

Score: 0

What do you get when you take the Cosine of (Polar Bear)? A Cartesian Bear.

What has my life become?

Score: 1

What's the dumbest animal in the Amazon jungle? The polar bear.

Score: 2

You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole. When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

Score: 2

What was the nude man doing with a rifle? Hunting bear.

Score: 2

A bear walks into a bar. The bear says he wants a whiskey and a coke. The bartender says sure no problem but what’s with the big pause? The bear says I dunno I was born that way

Score: 0

The sun and a polar bear were having a conversation. It got really awkward and nobody said a word. The sun decided to break the ice.

Score: 2

Which film do certified shrinks enjoy viewing with their wives who can’t bear children? Honey I shrunk the kids

Score: 1

The other day, I was questioning the state of my sanity... ... but the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was okay.

Score: 4

I went hunting with my dad and on the way there we saw a sign It said "Bear Left" so we went home

Score: 4

What does Fozzi the Bear put on his tortilla chips? Wockamole

Score: 0

What does a girl from the south and a bear cub have in common? They both like to suck their paws

Score: 1

What do you call an animal which has mood swings? A bipolar bear

Score: 3

Why don't you feed your teddy bear? Because it's always stuffed.

Score: 1

How did the Panda defend his honor without a weapon? He used his bear hands.

Score: 3

A man gets atacked by a bear while hunting with his friend in the woods His friend calls 911 and asks "WHAT CAN I DO? I THINK HE'S DEAD!
The man calmly replies: "first you have to make sure he is really dead."
Friend: "alright he is dead what now?"

Score: 0

Which bear tells the cheesiest jokes? A camembert.

Score: 1

Never trust a man built like a bear He might steal your honey

Score: 4

I was hiking with my buddy. Suddenly, a 10ft grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere. The bear started to charge at both of us. Luckily, I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my buddy's kneecap was all it took. I walked away at a comfortable pace.

Score: 3

What do you call a Chicago football player who has no teeth? A gummy bear

Score: 1

A beaver and a bear are talking... The bear says to the beaver
"I can see lots of honey and berries on the other side of this river, but I can't think of any way to cross. Can you help me?"

The beaver says

Score: 2

So this one time I was walking through the woods when I saw a bear I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now he can ride a bike.

Score: 3

Always bring a polar bear on a date. They're great at... _breaking the ice_!

Score: 1

So me and my pal George went down the river to get some firewood when an angry bear began to charge! George explained we weren't Packers fans, so the property owner didn't charge us for trespassing.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the Koala bear who was thrown out of the Koala bear contest? He was dis-koala-fied

Score: 3

Why didn't the teddy bear have any thanksgiving dessert? He was already too stuffed

Score: 2

A polar bear goes into a bar bartender: "Hey, I got a drink named after you"
Polarbear: "Do you have a drink called Allan?"

Score: 1

Whats the dumbest animal in the desert? The polar bear.

Score: 1

Smokey the Bear Why cant smokey the bear have kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the bear attack at that Chinese Zoo? It was Pandemonium.

Score: 2

A bear walks into a bar and say "I would like a Gin... ... ...and tonic please."

To which the bartender replies, "Coming right up but whats with the big pause?"

The bear says, "Dunno, I suppose I got them from my Dad's side."

Score: 0

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