Bear Jokes


Funniest Bear Jokes

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

Score: 11974

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...

Score: 3285

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a" The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Score: 1888

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping... ...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

Score: 1818

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

Score: 1688
Funny Bear Jokes
Score: 1624

Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

Score: 1411

What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

Score: 943

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have" The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

Score: 424

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)

Score: 381

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.

Score: 362

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he'll have.

The bear says "I guess I'll have"

The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

Score: 358

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Score: 332

Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was polar.

Score: 331

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

Score: 306

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

Score: 277

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

Score: 244

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

Score: 224

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Score: 195

A bear climbs a tree.... a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

Score: 187

What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle? A Polar Bear

Score: 186

A man walks into a bear The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

Score: 173

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Score: 172

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room.. It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

Score: 171

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh

Score: 167

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle? the Polar Bear

Score: 158

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Score: 152

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

Score: 142

One of my campers made this up today: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Score: 134

Why did the grizzly get an F on his project? Because he did the bear minimum.

Score: 133

Tip for when you are attacked by a bear Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

Score: 67

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear, and she asks it.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:

"No, I'm stuffed."

Score: 38

One my 5 yr old told me: why didn’t my teddy bear get invited to thanksgiving? He ‘s already stuffed!

Score: 17

My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..

Score: 11

How do you capture a polar bear? 1. Dig a hole in the ice.

2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole

3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Score: 8

Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.

Score: 7

What is Frankenstein's favorite hobby shop? Build-a-bear

Score: 7

If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.

Score: 7

Where'd Fozzie Bear take his dog? on a ***WAKKA WAKKA***

Score: 7

Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs? She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.

Score: 6

Popular Topics

New Bear Jokes

Cake day joke: Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his cake? He was already stuffed.

Score: 3

A polar bear goes into a bar . . . . . .and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”

The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

Score: 0

What do you get when you take the Cosine of (Polar Bear)? A Cartesian Bear.

What has my life become?

Score: 1

What's the dumbest animal in the Amazon jungle? The polar bear.

Score: 2

You can tell how amazingly progressive the world's become... When you see countries like Ukraine, America, and China elect a comedian, a clown, and a cartoon bear to be their presidents.

Score: 2

A bear walks into a bar. The bear says he wants a whiskey and a coke. The bartender says sure no problem but what’s with the big pause? The bear says I dunno I was born that way

Score: 0

What does Fozzi the Bear put on his tortilla chips? Wockamole

Score: 0

Why don't you feed your teddy bear? Because it's always stuffed.

Score: 1

My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

Score: 5

A man gets atacked by a bear while hunting with his friend in the woods His friend calls 911 and asks "WHAT CAN I DO? I THINK HE'S DEAD!
The man calmly replies: "first you have to make sure he is really dead."
Friend: "alright he is dead what now?"

Score: 0

Which bear tells the cheesiest jokes? A camembert.

Score: 1

I was hiking with my buddy. Suddenly, a 10ft grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere. The bear started to charge at both of us. Luckily, I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my buddy's kneecap was all it took. I walked away at a comfortable pace.

Score: 3

A man walks into a bear. He died because it was a freaking bear.

Score: 1

A beaver and a bear are talking... The bear says to the beaver
"I can see lots of honey and berries on the other side of this river, but I can't think of any way to cross. Can you help me?"

The beaver says

Score: 2

Always bring a polar bear on a date. They're great at... _breaking the ice_!

Score: 1

So me and my pal George went down the river to get some firewood when an angry bear began to charge! George explained we weren't Packers fans, so the property owner didn't charge us for trespassing.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the Koala bear who was thrown out of the Koala bear contest? He was dis-koala-fied

Score: 3

What does Fozzie Bear have to say about a particular city in southwestern Mexico? Oaxaca waka!

Score: 2

Why didn't the teddy bear have any thanksgiving dessert? He was already too stuffed

Score: 2

What do you call a teddy bear that cant eat any more? Stuffed!

Score: 2

What goes Black-White, Black-White, Black-White? A panda bear rolling down a hill.

Score: 2

How do you capture a Polar Bear? Cut a hole in the ice, and place peas around the hole.
When he goes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole

Score: 1

A bear walks into a bar A bear walks into a bar and asks the barman:

"Can I have a beer...................Please?"

The barman replies:

"Sure, but why the massive paws?"

Edit: Paws not pause

Score: 2

My Grandad used to tell me a story about how he once saw a Polar Bear fall from a great height ...He said it was a great ice breaker


Score: 1

Why do 9 out of 10 bear moms prefer minivans over sedans? All the extra cubholders.

Score: 1

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10 And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

Score: 4

A polar bear goes into a bar bartender: "Hey, I got a drink named after you"
Polarbear: "Do you have a drink called Allan?"

Score: 1

Whats the dumbest animal in the desert? The polar bear.

Score: 1

How did the bear kill the man? With his bear hands.

Score: 2

Popular Topics