Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping... ...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."
Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka
What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
A polar bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks what he'll have.
The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."
The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."
Three blondes found some tracks...
The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.
Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was polar.
A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
A bear climbs a tree....
a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."
What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle? A Polar Bear
A man walks into a bear The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him
A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room.. It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.
A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh
Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle? the Polar Bear
I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.
One of my campers made this up today: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project? Because he did the bear minimum.
I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me. Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad... It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.
Tip for when you are attacked by a bear
It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.
Two blondes are walking in the woods. They come across some tracks. One says they are deer tracks. The other says no they are bear tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A bear walked into a bar...
Waiter: What will it be pal?
Waiter: Why the big pause?
Bear: I don't know. My dad had them too.
Why did the koala bear get hired? He was the most koalafied.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear, and she asks it....
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"
The bear responds:
"No, I'm stuffed."
A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake. He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I ran into a bear Now he can ride a bike and has been through college.
One my 5 yr old told me: why didn’t my teddy bear get invited to thanksgiving? He ‘s already stuffed!
Cake day joke: Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his cake? He was already stuffed.
Where'd Fozzie Bear take his dog? on a ***WAKKA WAKKA***
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I was hiking with my buddy. Suddenly, a 10ft grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere. The bear started to charge at both of us. Luckily, I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my buddy's kneecap was all it took. I walked away at a comfortable pace.
If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.
What is Frankenstein's favorite hobby shop? Build-a-bear
Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.
So this one time I was walking through the woods when I saw a bear I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now he can ride a bike.
Here's a picture of a dead grizzly.. Nevermind. I can't bear it.
A bear walks into a bar
and the bartender says, "what can I get ya?"
The bear says, "can I get a beer............and a shot?"
The bartender goes, "why the long pause?"
"Cause I'm a bear!"
Never go to Bear Grylls' house for Halloween because... Urine for a treat
Why couldn't the Teddy Bear eat? Because it was stuffed
Why is the polar bear so friendly? Cause he's an ice guy!
Did you hear about the gummy bear with only one leg?
He lost the other one in Nom.
<all credit to my daughter>
What does a polar bear need to go through to publish a book ? The seal of approbation.
Why can't Smokey The Bear and his wife have babies? Because every time she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
what do you call a bear that's been in the rain too long a drizzly bear
(cheesy pickup line) How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice
What's the bare minimum? 1 Bear
How do you catch a polar bear?
Go to the arctic, take a can of peas.
When you get there, cut a hole in the ice and place peas all around the edge of it.
When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
Hey girl, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Just enough to be awkward when meeting a girl, hi my names steve.
I adopted a child from overseas to save him from labor factories. For some reason he hates it when I take him to Build-a-Bear Workshop
A bear walks into a bar...
He sits at the bar and says "can I have ... a beer please?"
The bartender says "why the big pause?"
How did the narcissistic polar bear get so ripped? Because he took a lot of polar roids.
What do you call a bear with no ear? A b!!!!!
TIL that a koala is not technically considered a bear It doesn't meet the koala-fications.
Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.
Why don't bears wear shoes? Because they have bear feet.
What do you call a constipated bear? "Winnie-no-poo"
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead... Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
I was playing Arms on my Nintendo Switch and my teacher told me to put it away. "But I have the right to bear Arms!"
A panda bear with a gun walks into a pub and orders some food. He eats, shoots and leaves
How to catch a bear
First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.
Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.
Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
How to catch a polar bear
First, you dig a hole in the ice,
then you sprinkle peas around the hole
When a polar bear bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!
In America you bear arms. In Russian you arm bears.
A bear walks into a bar... The bear says "I'll have a beer and a................... packet of peanuts" The bartender says "why the big pause"?
My friend got mauled by a bear.... but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......
What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common? The punch is pretty weak
What do you call a bear that changes for any and everybody? A pander bear!
Why isn't a koala considered a bear? Because it doesn't have a *koala*fication
A bear walks into a bar
A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Bear: Can I get a ......................................………………..........................................................................................................................................................beer.
Bartender: What's with the big paws?
Why doesn't smokey the bear have any kids? Because Everytime his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel
Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or... Bare bears bear bare bears.
What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear? Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children.
A bear walks into a bar... ... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them".
Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear
Sexually and mentally confused white bear Bipolar bear
Apparently, if a bear attacks, you are supposed to play dead. You know, that sounds an awful lot like something a bear would say...
The Koala should be classified as a bear It has all the Koalafications
Why is Bear Grylls a good friend to take to the movie theater? He sneaks his own drinks in.
What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far? I can't bear it! You axolotl of me this time!
Why couldn't the teddy bear eat any more of its dinner? It was stuffed.
What do you call a teddy bear that cant eat any more? Stuffed!
What goes Black-White, Black-White, Black-White? A panda bear rolling down a hill.
A bear walks into a bar
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barman:
"Can I have a beer...................Please?"
The barman replies:
"Sure, but why the massive paws?"
Edit: Paws not pause
I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10
And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?
Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs? She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
How did the bear kill the man? With his bear hands.
My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..
How do you capture a polar bear?
1. Dig a hole in the ice.
2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole
3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.