Bear Jokes

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Funniest Bear Jokes

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping... ...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

Funny Bear Jokes

Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south? a bi-polar bear.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he'll have.

The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."

The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was polar.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

A bear climbs a tree.... a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle? A Polar Bear

A man walks into a bear The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room.. It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle? the Polar Bear

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

One of my campers made this up today: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Why did the grizzly get an F on his project? Because he did the bear minimum.

A bear walks into a bar... Bartender asks: "What would you like?"

Bear says: "Can I have a... ... ... ... beer please."

Bartender asks: "Why the huge pause?"

Bear says: "I dunno. Had 'em since I was a kid."

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals. Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

My wife and I were camping... and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"

I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'll have a gin...and tonic."

Bartender says "OK, but why the pause?"

"I was born with them."

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a brandy.........................................................................................................

...........................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................

.......... and coke." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear responds, "I dunno... I've always had them."

A bear walks in to a bar "I'd like a whisky and...............coke"
Bartender "why the big pause?"
Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"

I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me. Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

A bear walks into a bar... He walks up to the counter.

The bartender says "What can I get you?"

The bear replies "I'll have a gin............and tonic."

The bartender says "What's with the pause?"

The bear says "These? Had em my whole life."

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you!

Why did the grizzly get fired from his job? He was only doing the bear minimum.....

Yes I know where the door is.....

Three Blondes Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.

1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!

2nd blonde: No, stupid, they're wolf tracks!

3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!

Then they got hit by a train.

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I'll have a Bud Lite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke.”
The bartender asks “What's with the big pause?”
The bear responds: “I dunno... I've just always had them.”

A bear walks into a bar.. *Goes up to the bartender*

Bear: "Hi, I'd like a gin...................and tonic."

Bartender: "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

*bear looks at own paws*

In the USA you can bear arms In mother Russia we arm bears

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New Bear Jokes

Three blondes Three blondes are walking in the forest and stop when they see tracks.
First blonde: those are deer tracks
Second blonde: what? Those are rabbit tracks
Third blonde: you're both crazy, they're bear tracks

Then the train hits them

My favorite joke appropriate for anyone A bear walks into a bar. Bartender says ‘what can I get you?” The bear says
“A rum..............................................................................................and coke.”
The bartender says “why the big pause?”
The bear says “I dunno, I was born with them!”

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whiskey...... and a cola The bartender says "why the big pause"
The bear said " I'm not sure i was born with them."

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

Bear with me here... ... what should I feed it?

Me: I only got the bear essentials. Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention... And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

A bear walks into a bar... A bear walks into a bar, says I'll have a gin and...

...

...

...

...

tonic.

Bartender says "Sure, but why the huge pause?"

"These?" The bear says. "I was born with'em!"

So a Bear walks into a bar... The bear says "I'll take a large rum...

​

​

​

​

​

and a coke."

The bartender says "Hey man, why the big paws?"

The inventor of autocorrect walks into a bar he asks for a bear

Told to me by my five year old (she insists it's original) My daughter, after inspecting the cupcake she decorated:

"What do you call a baby bear that doesn't have its teeth yet?"

"A gummy bear!"

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whisky... and a cola" Interested, the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"

The bear shrugs,"I was just born with them I guess"

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …..................................... cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

“I’m not sure, I was born with them.”

Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow. "They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.

"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.

This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

A polar bear walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says “I’d like a seven and............................... seven.”

The bartender says, “What’s with the big pause?”

The polar bear says, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland But now I can't find any virgins!

-- Frankie Boyle

If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him... With my bear hands

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and... cola." "Why the big pause?" Asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "Im not sure; I was born with them."

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear "Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

What did Alexander the Great and Smoky the Bear have in common? The same middle name.

(Hope it's not been done yet)

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human? Being someone else would've been unbearable.

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey? He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

3 blondes are walking along some tracks. The first one says "hey these are bear tracks!"

The second says "no they are raccoon tracks."

The third says "no, they're deer tracks."

Then the train hit them.

What kind of socks do bears wear? They don’t, they go bear foot.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain? A drizzly bear

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”. The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

A polar bear walked into a bar. "A rum and coke please." He asked.

"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"

"I was born with them", answered the bear.

[Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything?

SaON: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

What's the difference between a brown bear on a bicycle and a black bear on a bicycle? Bearly much, they're bicycly the same.

Did you hear about the bear with 2 left feet? No?? Oh... * awkward *paws* *

Why did the Grizzly get a D- in his hibernation class? Because he did the bear minimum

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

(My girlfriend told me this and I thought I'd share)

From my six year old son with CP Why don't bear's wear shoes?



Because they have bear feet! (It's then followed up with uncontrollable laughter)

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!" And then the train hit them

How did the gummy bear lose his leg? He lost it in nom.

A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

A bear walks into a bar "I'd like a pint of...

...

...

...

...

... Guinness please."

"Sure," the bartender replies. "But why the big pause?"

"Oh, I was born with these."

A bear walks into a bar and says he wants a whiskey and .................... a coke. The bartender says no problem but what’s with the big pause? The bear says I don’t know I was born this way

A bear walks into a bar A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."

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Long Bear Jokes

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'

It will be done, says the genie

The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'

It will be done, says the genie

The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear

'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.

The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.

First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage.
"We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."

Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times.
"We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.

Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge.

"Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear.

"So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously.

"My grandma bear in Chicago." says baby bear.

"Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge?

"Oh no the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.
Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.
My Boss: The Bear can talk?
Me: No, that’s not the joke.
My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?
Me: No, that’s not the joke either.
My Boss: The Bear likes to drink?
Me: No, you’re overthinking it.
My Boss: Okay can you just explain it to me then?
Me: Of course not that would ruin the joke!

*** Conversation eventually changes topics because my Boss doesn’t care anymore, I leave work a few hours later***

***I go to my boss’s office the next morning***

Me: Hey Boss can I talk to you about something?

My Boss: Yeah sure what is it?

Me: ...and would you mind throwing a few ice cubes in there?” Bartender asks, “Why the long pause?” Bear replies, “I was born with them!”

Anyways, I need a new job so if anyone’s hiring please let me know.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”

Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A small geographical difference

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928.
The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting.
The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"

Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this *isn't* a 1928 Mouton?"

The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!"
The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are *exactly* the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."

Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.

The church decides to hire Emma for another job. She will drive the bus to and from the kids' camps.

But Emma, sans arms, cannot do this job either! She quits in shame.

Finally, there is another job opening at the church, and Emma determines that she will find a way to do this job, whatever it takes! The job is as the bell ringer.

When 1:00 comes around, Emma attempts to ring the bell to no avail. Exasperated, she runs - face first - into the bell, and it let's out a satisfying *bong*.

2:00. *bong, bong*.

3:00 and 4:00 come, and Emma continues to ring the bell. By now she's developed quite a headache. But the day goes on.

5 and 6 and 7 and 8 come and go. *Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong*.

The headache is nearly debilitating. Slamming her face into the bell nine, ten, and eleven times, Emma calls out in pain.

12:00. Nothing.

With no bell ringing, the parishioners become confused. They move up into the tower to investigate, and see Emma lying bloodied, armless, and unconscious on the floor.

"Who is that?" says one parishioner to another.
"I don't know", replied the second, "But her face sure rings a bell".

The CIA, GIGN and KGB......

are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.

The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.

Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

Edit: will not apologize for Dad jokes.

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

"Well Frank", says the bear, "Now you have to pay for that." The bear proceeds to scratch and maul Frank, and finally, sodomizes him.

Two days later, Frank gets out of the hospital, goes back into the woods, tracks down the offending bear and shoots him. He feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a huge brown bear.

"Hey Frank", says the brown bear. "You just shot my cousin. Now I have to punish you." The bear mauls and bites him and then sodomizes him.

Two weeks later, Frank gets out of the hospital and tracks down the brown bear. He shoots and kills it. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive grizzly bear.

"Frank, man...really?" The grizzly proceeds to maul and tear into Frank, then violently sodomizes him.

Two months later, Frank leaves the hospital, immediately goes to his truck, goes back in the woods and finds and shoots the Grizzly. He then feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the biggest polar bear he has ever seen.

"C'mon Frank", says the polar bear. "Just admit it. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

(My favorite joke)Who is best at apprehending criminals?

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".

The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."

The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.

"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

Three men go to heaven

At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time.

But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him:
"What happend?"

"I stepped on a dark cloud" - he replies.

After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye.

"Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud."

After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side.

The others, obviously confused, ask him:
"Hey, what happened to you? Please explain."

"Stepped on a dark cloud" - she replies.

Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little white dog. A man approached the old lady and asked: - Where is the bear, which you told us? The old woman pointed on a tree. The man replied: - Clear. So, here, hold the shotgun. Now I climb a tree and start to shake it. When the bear falls, Milky (man pointed on the dog) grab him by the balls and lead him to the zoo. That is a proven approach. We have done it 1000 times already. Confused old lady said: - Clear... But why did you give me a shotgun? The man replies, slightly lowering his voice: - Usually, everything goes well. BUT, if if i fall from a tree instead of a bear - SHOOT THE MILKY!

I'm also russian so sorry for my language.

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