Sexist Jokes


Funniest Sexist Jokes

Funny Sexist Jokes

If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make She'd be $.77 richer right now

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

What do you call a sexist Masseuse? A Massaginist!

It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

Women are just as sexist as men But just like everything else, men are just better at it.

I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more... ...They're too complicated for women.

Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all. The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke... she would have $0.77

if i had a dollar for every sexist joke ive told I would have $0.77

What happens when you tell a sexist joke to a feminist mod? [Removed]

A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"

I can tell we still live in a sexist society because... Doctors still make more money than nurses.

A rapist, a sexist and a racist walk into a bar Barman: How can I help you Mr. President?

I'm not sexist because sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women.

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

If my wife had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke about her... She’d have $0.73

I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes.... Because women find them too complicated.

My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling... Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

What do you call a sexist masseuse? A massage-ynist.

I'm not sexist because being sexist is wrong And being wrong is for women.

What do feminists hate more than sexist jokes? Having it explained to them by a man

I am not a sexist but... female mosquitos don't belong in a workplace. They the suck the life right out of you.

You know, garbage man as a job title is a little sexist and outdated. We should call them garbage people instead.

I would make a sexist joke but... That would be wrong, and being wrong is for women.

Today a woman called me "the most sexist man she'd ever met" When will these dumb broads understand that "sexiest" is spelled with two E's and not one?

I'm not sexist... being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for woman.

What did the sexist man say when his girlfriend asked for his coat? If you can't stand the cold, stay in the kitchen.

Who is a Racist and a Homophobe and a Bigot and a Hater and a Sexist pig? *Anyone* winning an argument with a liberal.

It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke. I'll have to simplify it for the women.

Society is so sexist When a guy sleeps around with many women, he's called a jock.

When a woman sleeps around with many men, she's called your Mom.

Why do Apple computer users always tell sexist jokes? Because they aren't PC

Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays? My credit card.

What do you call a sexist Masseuse? A massagynist.

What's the difference between a racist joke and a sexist joke? Racist jokes are offensive.

What's a violent and sexist book club called? ISIS.

Need a joke to tell my Public Speaking class this Monday.. Can be as crude as you want, but no racist or sexist jokes.

What are the simularities in between a sexist man and a slave owner Somebody is making the sandwich, and it isnt gonna be them

My wife was teaching our children that Barbie and Disney were sexist and misogynistic. I happen to believe that children learn through examples set by their parents.

So I told my wife to shut her yap and get back in the kitchen.

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New Sexist Jokes

If my wife got a dollar for every sexist joke I make . I wouldn't be divorced.

I’m writing a book about being sexist towards the female gender. I call it “Belittle Women”.

Iron-man is such an non-inclusive and sexist name. Fe-male would be much better

If I had a dollar for every time this female coworker said something sexist in the office. I wouldn't feel surprised for receiving the credit and compensation for her ideas.

Are sexist jokes not funny? Or do women just not have the brain power to understand them?

I'm not sexist i swear. Why don't wemen need a watch?

Because they already have pne on the oven.

A sexist man went to the phychologist. Phychologist: The first thing you have to do is to accept who you are.

Man: I don't need a woman to tell me that!

Phychologist: Ok, next step.

I despise sexist people. Especially the women.

Warning - Sexist joke: Women like strong muscular men because on a primal level those men make them feel protected....... From having to do anything on their own.

Iron Man is sexist The fellas down at Marvel need to create an Iron Woman. She would use her super strength and agility to get even the toughest stains out of my office slacks.

My friends tell me that my jokes are too sexist. I tell them thats all I have. Without my sexist jokes, I am completely useless. Kind of like a woman

Whats the male equivalents of a feminist? A sexist

What do you call a sexist man that rubs people's back? A massaginist..

if i had a dollar for every sexist joke ive told I would hace 0.77 cents

I can’t stand sexist jokes Good thing there’s chairs in the kitchen

Would it be sexist if... I named my son Hunter and my daughter Gatherer?

What do you call a sexist person who gives massages Misogynistic

The post office really is sexist They only give us mail.

What do you call a sexist masseuse? A *massage*nist

Sexist jokes really aren't that funny. Just like women

The next time I hear a racist or sexist joke, I won't stand for it!! I'll sit because it's much more comfortable.

I'm a female who lives alone. This sexist guy in a blue uniform thinks I can't handle myself. He comes to my house every morning, knocks on my door, and says "The male's here!"

Professor gets reported for being sexist Professor: **"Must've been some bloody woman!"**

If I got $1 every time somebody called me sexist I would walk free of a rape case

Sexist jokes. Why did the female cross the road? I DONT KNOW BUT WHAT WAS SHE DOING OUT OF THE KITCHEN! XD or how about this one: A man hits a woman with his car whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen? HAHHAAAAAH

So a racist pig, a sexist idiot, and a pot-smoking socialist run for president. I am so sorry America. There is no happy ending here.

What's sexist and not a concern for feminist? Misandry

Avoid sexist comments... Chicks hate that.

A woman called me sexist the other day. Silly women, I hate ALL black people equally.

Men are not sexist Because being sexist is wrong and being wrong is what women do.

A Sexist Joke: Why are women bad at parking? Because they've been lied to all their lives about how long "8" inches *really* is.

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Long Sexist Jokes

Met a woman at the bar the other night

She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."

Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.

Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

a bit sexist but one of my favorites

At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said "last year we talked about making our husband's do more of the work often considered women's work, let's hear how that went."
First a lady from the USA got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more cleaning until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom." Everyone cheered.
Next a lady from Britain stood up and said "I told my husband I wasn't doing laundry until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he not only did his laundry, but mine as well." More cheers.
Then a lady from Australia got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more grocery shopping until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye"

Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A couple of days later, they decide to have a picnic. It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the skies are blue, etc. As they lay down the blanket, one of the men sits on a suspicious-looking lump (which turns out to be a duck).

St. Peter appears instantly. "**I GAVE YOU ONE RULE!**", he bellows, "And you could not follow it!? I have no choice but to punish you." Despite the man's pleas, St. Peter continues, "As punishment, you are now bound to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!" Both St. Peter and the man vanish.

The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... *CRUNCH!* \- a duck has been stepped on.

As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. "You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"

Three years later, the final man is relaxing in his house, when out of the blue, St. Peter appears. Expecting something bad, the man gets on his knees and asks what St. Peter wants. he replies, "Since you have been so good as to not touch a duck for the past three years, I will reward you by binding you to the most beautiful woman in heaven for all of eternity."

As St. Peter describes her, the man really thinks she sounds gorgeous. He is so eager to meet her that he asks, "When do I see her?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, and *POOF* \- the man is meeting his soul mate. They talk for a while, until he says to her, "You're so beautiful and smart and funny; what did I do to deserve you?" The woman responds, "I don't know; all I had to do was step on a duck!"


Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing.

So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...

**Feminist:** Why isn’t the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!

**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-

**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She’s obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?

**Me:** Okay, she’s not in a bar, she’s um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-

**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That’s so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!

**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won’t tell the joke then.

**Feminist:** If you seriously can’t tell a joke without being sexist then you’re not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

Three blondes stuck on an island

There are three blondes stuck on an island. The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish.
The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island.
The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island.

*I know it is sexist it is an old joke don't flood my inbox

The Magic Mirror

In this public toilet, there's this magic mirror. Whenever you say something untruthful you disappear.

A red head walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the best legs in the world" and puff...she's gone.

Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the most sexist eyes" and puff...she's gone

Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says "I think..." and puff she's gone!

A very sexist from my high school days

Person 1, "Your dishwasher stops working and like any good mechanic you hit it and tell it to get back to work, and it does. You return later to find dishes that are only half clean. Why?"
Person 2, "I have no clue."
Person 1, "You must have hit her in the eye."

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.

credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Politicians Play Marbles

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

Conclusion: The higher you go in the social power structure, the smaller your balls become.

(Old but still true.)
(Please note: NO sexist reference to Hillary was made here. Nor was there any reference to Donald playing with BB's.)

Sexist UFO

A strange disk appeared in the sky. It would hover over groups of women and whistle. Whenever a man would approach it would fly away and hover over another group of women and whistle. The headline in a feminist paper read: Object Defying Women.

Protest in Saudi Arabia

A Saudi cleric has declared that a popular beach is off-limits to Muslims because women swimming, even in face-covering burkinis, is un-Islamic. A movement of Saudi men is protesting by going naked in public, drawing attention to the sexist clothing laws in the Kingdom. These men have all got their dicks out for Haram Bay.

Female pilots

When I was in town yesterday, I overheard a couple of idiots who were saying they wouldn't feel safe in an airplane if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a bunch of sexist twats! I mean, its not like she'll have to reverse the bloody thing...

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