Police Jokes


Funniest Police Jokes

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Score: 20888

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Score: 18443

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 17951

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

Score: 16443

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 14980

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Score: 13782

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

Score: 13585

I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Score: 13541

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related

Score: 11897

What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

Score: 11835
Funny Police Jokes
Score: 9712

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track. Police think it was race related.

Score: 9257

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Score: 7793

Bumped into my ex today... Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Score: 3727

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 3197

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Score: 2639

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

Score: 2424

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Score: 2332

Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

Score: 2326

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Score: 2288

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Score: 2223

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Score: 2154

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.

Score: 2036

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... ...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Score: 2020

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

Score: 1954

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

Score: 1869

"Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Score: 1846

I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

Score: 1101

I got arrested for killing a black man They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Score: 657

I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.

Score: 251

As a police officer, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Score: 221

The police arrested 2 kids today One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks

They charged the first one and let the other off

Score: 163

A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Score: 119

My sense of humor is so dark... ... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

Score: 105

*Police arrested two kids* ** Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.**

Score: 84

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said "Sir, it looks like your mother in law has been hit by a bus" I replied " I know, but she has a great personality."

Score: 56

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New Police Jokes

I was caught drunk driving when I saw the stunning police officer. It was a breath-taking experience.

Score: 3

Amazon Alexa is a police officer My girlfriend just said "Alexa, Black Lives Matter". And Alexa responded "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that".

Score: 3

Never rob a bank if you are a furry. The police will be hot in pursuit, you will be hot in fursuit.

Score: 4

Why do Hong Kong police go to work early? They like to beat the crowd

(Dark humor, it’s horrible what’s going on in Hong Kong)

Score: 4

My local news channel just said someone has been stealing the wheels off of police vehicles. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Score: 4

Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people around on bikes. My dogs don’t even have bikes.

Score: 3

What’s the difference between a police officer and a racist photographer? A police officer will happily shoot a black person.

Score: 3

What do I do when there is a black out? **Call the police**

Score: 5

The police nearby are trying to frame me for growing marijuana in my backyard. I'm getting worried they're going to plant some evidence.

Score: 3

A man who is being apprehended by the police has a heart attack from shock... Police: you are under arrest

Score: 3

I was shipwrecked on an island and now I'm trying to contact The Police I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle

Score: 3

(Offensive) A black person and a mexican are in a car, who is driving? The police

Score: 3

Apparently the police want to interview me. I don't recall applying for a job

Score: 3

So this sloth reported a mugging by three turtles to the police... ...When asked what happened he said, “I don’t know officer, it all happened so fast!”

Score: 4

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by police. He’s now a seasoned veteran

Score: 35

Did you hear about the guy who vigorously jerked off near some foliage in the park, and then when approached by police he wouldnt give them any direct answers? The guy really knew how to beat around the bush.

Score: 3

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Score: 20

When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911. The police said it was the worst case of Domestic Violins they had ever seen.

Score: 43

Today I finally got into Harvard! Sadly campus security caught me and handed me over to the police for trespassing

Score: 5

As you may know, Notre Dame is currently on fire Police are having trouble working out the cause, but they have a hunch.

Score: 4

What can the police use to shock black people? Kindness

Score: 3

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen? Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

Score: 4

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often. But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

Score: 10

It was so much easier to get girls in elementary, just be the fastest runner... ...now you have to outdrive the police too.

Score: 4

A man goes to the police to call his wife missing. "When have you seen your wife for the last time?"

- "About a month ago"

"And why are you coming to the police only now?!"

- "I have no more clean laundry..."

Score: 5

Why didn't the guy call the police when his credit card was stolen? Because the thief spent less than his wife.

Score: 4

Man I wish I was an American police officer. I would kill for a holiday right now

Score: 7

I kept my wife at home in the kitchen all day today, baking I hope the police don't look in the oven

Score: 19

I lost my job as a police officer just for giving a guy a breathalyser test. Apparently it "wasn't humorous" to the passenger that survived.

Score: 30

Don't you just love a late night snack?... Apparently the guy next door doesn't cause he called the police when he found me in the pantry.

Score: 3

What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior? "Hmm, something's Amish here."

Score: 4

Someone threw a dollar coin at the Mayor of Detroit Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.

Score: 16

What the difference between my dad and a police officer? I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

Score: 10

A soldier was mustard gassed, then he was pepper sprayed by the police... He is now a seasoned veteran.

Score: 17

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks... They charged one, and let the other off.

Score: 19

A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar... The font designer leaves sans sheriff.

Score: 4

What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.

Score: 4

Police officer stops a speeding car and asks the driver.... Police officer: ''Can you identify yourself, sir?''

Driver(pulling out his mirror): ''Yeah, it's me.''

Score: 4

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then peppery spray by the police... he is now a seasoned veteran

Score: 4

Police have been playing Pokemon Go for many years. "Gotta catch Jamal"

Score: 15

Why are police officers bad at Billiards? They hit eight ball first because it was black.

Score: 11

What did the police officer want from the criminal store? Just ice.

Score: 6

RIP Kanye West, died after what police think was his attempt to walk on water... Coast Guard attempted rescue, but say he was too dense.

Score: 2

Batman took some flak going to the Police Ball dressed as the Joker But sometimes he’s his own worst enemy.

Score: 2

The local police station had their toilet stolen. The cops say they have nothing to go on.

Score: 44

What do you call something that is half horse and half pig? A mounted police officer

Score: 4

What sound do Nintedo police vehicles make? Wii U Wii U Wii U

Score: 3

Why did the police arrest the pedo sheep? Because he was on the lam.

Score: 2

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

Score: 15

How come Adele can call her ex 1,000 times and get a million dollars.... But when I do it, the Police show up.

Score: 4

Police are saying that they're looking for a black man in his early twenties... And that they always will be.

Score: 24

The jokes in this subreddit are so dark I'm surprised they haven't been shot by the police.

Score: 4

Why did the retired police officer decide to become a DJ? So he could still get to say "Put your hands in the air."

Score: 8

What do you call a psychologist who works with the police? Positive reinforcement

Score: 2

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.

Score: 2

How many Ferguson police does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just shoot the room for being black.

Score: 5

An Apple store in the town centre was robbed last night The police have sent out an appeal for iWitnesses

Score: 21

News just in. There are reports that all the toilets have been stolen at Scotland Yard. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Score: 3

Did you hear that all the toilet seats in NYC was stolen yesterday? The Police have nothing to go on!

Score: 3

Yesterday a police officer came up to me and asked, "where were you between 4 and 6?" I answered, "kindergarten"

Score: 28

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