Police Jokes


Funniest Police Jokes

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Score: 20888

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Score: 18443

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 17951

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

Score: 16443

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 14980

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Score: 13782

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

Score: 13585

I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Score: 13541

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related

Score: 11897

What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

Score: 11835
Funny Police Jokes
Score: 9712

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track. Police think it was race related.

Score: 9257

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Score: 7793

Bumped into my ex today... Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Score: 3727

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 3197

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Score: 2639

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

Score: 2424

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Score: 2332

Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

Score: 2326

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Score: 2288

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Score: 2223

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Score: 2154

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.

Score: 2036

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... ...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Score: 2020

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

Score: 1954

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

Score: 1869

"Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Score: 1846

I hate people that take drugs.. Especially police and customs.

Score: 1239

A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related.

Score: 1111

I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

Score: 1101

Why do police officers wear blue? Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

Score: 1058

I got arrested for killing a black man They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Score: 657

A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

Score: 431

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers. At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

Score: 424

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Score: 351

A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police.. He's probably part of an extreme mist group

Score: 310

A hole was found in a nudist camp wall The police are now looking into it.

Score: 283

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New Police Jokes

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by police. He’s now a seasoned veteran

Score: 35

When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911. The police said it was the worst case of Domestic Violins they had ever seen.

Score: 43

As a police officer, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Score: 221

I lost my job as a police officer just for giving a guy a breathalyser test. Apparently it "wasn't humorous" to the passenger that survived.

Score: 30

Police Officer: Sir it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck Man: Yeah but she has a great personality

Score: 45

Police Officer: How high are you? Me: No officer, it's "Hi, how are you..?"

Score: 74

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

Score: 218

A man applies for a job as a police officer. The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.

The man replies: Why the squirrel?

The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

Score: 159

Netherland police found a little hole in the wall of women's changing rooms Policemen are looking into it now.

Score: 36

News just in: Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!

Police think it might be race related..............

Score: 231

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Score: 79

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

Score: 109

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 28

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's a seasoned veteran.

Score: 49

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station. The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

Score: 57

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.

Score: 42

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you need 3 squared meals a day.

The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why?

Because 3 was the root of the problem.

Score: 195

I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them. I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial

Score: 237

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

Score: 143

The Chief of Police died responding to people changing fonts on town signs There we were, left sans-sheriff

Score: 30

I smoked weed with a couple of cows near a police station. The steaks were really high.

Score: 27

Why did the riot police like to leave for work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 136

A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"

Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"

Mom: "Oh, and what else?"

Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"

Score: 27

I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.

Score: 251

A soldier Survived mustard gas in the battle , and then the pepper spray by the police. He is now a seasoned veteran.

Score: 39

How many police officers does it take to replace a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.

Score: 26

A blonde crashes a helicopter... A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

Score: 134

Why do riot police always go to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 85

Police arrested two kids yesterday!!! Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Score: 26

As a young boy I always wanted to join a violent gang Just got accepted into police training, who says dreams don't come true.

Score: 34

A psychic midget has escaped from prison.. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

Score: 140

A large city in the Yorkshire area has gone missing, Police are looking for Leeds.

(friend told me that one)

Score: 27

When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market… …I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"

Score: 50

What's a police officer's favorite Star Wars movie? The Empire Strikes Blacks

Score: 41

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

Score: 260

I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them. The police however call it theft.

Score: 88

My local police precinct had the toilets stolen..... Police say they have nothing to go on.

Score: 30

Someone was killed with a starter pistol today... Police think it may be race-related.

Score: 117

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 57

I've got a pretty long Police record.... It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

Score: 192

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.

Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

Score: 38

I got arrested for killing a black man I was charged with impersonating a police officer

Score: 119

The police called me "boring" and released me after only 20 minutes, I guess I wasn't a person of interest.

Score: 30

Why couldn't the Italian explain himself to the police? He was handcuffed.

Score: 150

A blonde tried to commit suicide Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.

Score: 254

Why was the police man in bed? He was an undercover cop

Score: 47

A man gets pulled over for speeding and evading the police. The officer asks him why he didn't stop. "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a cop last week and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

Score: 26

John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day. The police are charging him for mugging.

Score: 39

The driver & Police Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

Score: 40

What video game system do police officers play in their cars? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

Score: 96

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea" \- Canada

Score: 29

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man? Impersonating a police officer.

Score: 44

A Brazilian got the first gold medal The police are already after him.

Score: 27

The police arrested 2 kids today One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks

They charged the first one and let the other off

Score: 163

The local police station had their toilet stolen. The cops say they have nothing to go on.

Score: 44

*Police arrested two kids* ** Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.**

Score: 84

My sense of humor is so dark... ... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

Score: 105

Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said "Sir, it looks like your mother in law has been hit by a bus" I replied " I know, but she has a great personality."

Score: 56

Yesterday a police officer came up to me and asked, "where were you between 4 and 6?" I answered, "kindergarten"

Score: 28

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