Police Jokes


Funniest Police Jokes

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Score: 20888

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Score: 18443

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 17951

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

Score: 16443

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 14980

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Score: 13782

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

Score: 13585

I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Score: 13541

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related

Score: 11897

What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

Score: 11835
Funny Police Jokes
Score: 9712

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track. Police think it was race related.

Score: 9257

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Score: 7793

Bumped into my ex today... Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Score: 3727

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 3197

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Score: 2639

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

Score: 2424

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Score: 2332

Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

Score: 2326

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Score: 2288

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Score: 2223

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Score: 2154

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.

Score: 2036

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... ...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Score: 2020

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

Score: 1954

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

Score: 1869

"Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Score: 1846

My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people let him in

Score: 1031

I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.

Score: 251

Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!

Score: 222

As a police officer, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Score: 221

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find Penny’s body.

Score: 130

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

Score: 83

I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!

Score: 72

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

Score: 62

Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

Score: 54

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New Police Jokes

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

Score: 4

Knock Knock. Who is it? "It's the police. "

"What do you want?"

Police : "We just want to talk."

"How many of you are there?"

Police : " Two."

"Talk to each other then."

Score: 21

Why do Hong Kong police go to work early? They like to beat the crowd

(Dark humor, it’s horrible what’s going on in Hong Kong)

Score: 4

My local news channel just said someone has been stealing the wheels off of police vehicles. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Score: 4

What do I do when there is a black out? **Call the police**

Score: 5

A man was murdered with a frozen rock. The police eventually caught the stone cold killer.

Score: 9

Apparently the police want to interview me. I don't recall applying for a job

Score: 3

So this sloth reported a mugging by three turtles to the police... ...When asked what happened he said, “I don’t know officer, it all happened so fast!”

Score: 4

I once recived a ticket from the police telling me I parked really well It said parking fine , so that made my day

Score: 14

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by police. He’s now a seasoned veteran

Score: 35

There is an outstanding warrant play man with a prosthetic leg who is caught importing drugs. But after a year, he still can not be found. Police say they are stumped.

Score: 3

French police aren't sure how the Notre Dame fire started... But they have a hunch.

Score: 3

As you may know, Notre Dame is currently on fire Police are having trouble working out the cause, but they have a hunch.

Score: 4

What can the police use to shock black people? Kindness

Score: 3

How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs? Zero. He fell.

Score: 6

Being white can be hard... I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Score: 11

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen? Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

Score: 4

A man goes to the police to call his wife missing. "When have you seen your wife for the last time?"

- "About a month ago"

"And why are you coming to the police only now?!"

- "I have no more clean laundry..."

Score: 5

Why do North Korean police travel in groups of 3? You need one to read.

You need one to write.

And you need a third to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

Score: 3

I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves. I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

Score: 4

I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver

Score: 3

Why didn't the guy call the police when his credit card was stolen? Because the thief spent less than his wife.

Score: 4

A Hispanic man was shot on a golf course mid-swing The police report simply stated:
"Hole in Juan"

Score: 8

How do police know that Paul Walker didn’t have dandruff? They found his head and shoulders on the dashboard.

Score: 5

Man I wish I was an American police officer. I would kill for a holiday right now

Score: 7

A monk is arrested for stealing cloth... The police officer let's him go with a warning, tells him not to make a habit of it.

Score: 3

I kept my wife at home in the kitchen all day today, baking I hope the police don't look in the oven

Score: 19

All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Score: 39

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle... Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

Score: 8

Don't you just love a late night snack?... Apparently the guy next door doesn't cause he called the police when he found me in the pantry.

Score: 3

Autumn is best enjoyed in all her glory. Unfortunately, the police officers who arrested me outside her window didn't agree.

Score: 9

What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior? "Hmm, something's Amish here."

Score: 4

A black man and his latino friend are in a car. Who's driving? The police.

Score: 18

Nintendo is looking into trying the police force. There Nintendo cop cars go "Wii U Wii U Wii U"

Score: 9

Someone threw a dollar coin at the Mayor of Detroit Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.

Score: 16

What the difference between my dad and a police officer? I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

Score: 10

A soldier was mustard gassed, then he was pepper sprayed by the police... He is now a seasoned veteran.

Score: 17

Why did the police officers take the man's dolphin collection? For investigative Porpoises.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.

Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

Score: 38

A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar... The font designer leaves sans sheriff.

Score: 4

How are tumblr users opposite from police officers? Tumblr users are trigger happy around white men.

Score: 7

Why do the riot police like to go to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd

Score: 25

What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.

Score: 4

Why did the Police hurry over to the Black Lives Matter Riot? To beat the crowd!

Score: 6

Police officer stops a speeding car and asks the driver.... Police officer: ''Can you identify yourself, sir?''

Driver(pulling out his mirror): ''Yeah, it's me.''

Score: 4

The police thought they had a break trying to figure out all these clown sightings. They brought a mime in for questioning but he refused to talk.

Score: 3

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then peppery spray by the police... he is now a seasoned veteran

Score: 4

Someone stole all the toilets from Scotland Yard Police have nothing to go on.

Score: 16

Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. . The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.

Score: 13

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find her body.

Score: 4

Police have been playing Pokemon Go for many years. "Gotta catch Jamal"

Score: 15

Why did the raisin go to the police? Because, he was a grape victim.

Score: 3

Police are cautiously looking for a suspect with red hair They are pursuing the lead gingerly.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in the graveyard? So far the police have found over 300 dead bodies.

Score: 5

The two Propositional Logic professors at a local university are named Professor P and Professor Q. Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.

Score: 4

When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted. Now the police call that Identity theft.

Score: 38

Did you hear about the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in strawberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles? Police say he topped himself.

Score: 6

Did you hear that all the toilet seats in NYC was stolen yesterday? The Police have nothing to go on!

Score: 3

I witnessed a huge accident on the highway today involving a semi truck packed full of toupees that overturned. police are still there combing the scene.

Score: 33

Did you hear that a mob boss was killed... Did you hear that a mob boss was killed in a rice field by assailants wielding small figurines?

Police are saying it's the first recorded instance of a knick knack patty whack.

Score: 11

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