What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”
I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room
He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
I got pulled over by the police ...
He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track. Police think it was race related.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
Police arrested two kids yesterday one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
Bumped into my ex today... Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
"Uniformed police eat free you say?"
"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.
The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him
Edit: I am not black, nor am i a racist! My aim was to get to the front page and i BOOYAA Mission accomplished.
Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force? They wouldn't know who to shoot
Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track Police think it may be race related
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers? Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing" Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name?
German: Heinrich Klimt
Police officer: Age?
Police Officer: Occupation?
German: No, no. Just visiting.
Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.
Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit
There was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.
I heard on the news, that there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot. The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"
Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom Police have said they're looking into it
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it's race-related.
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy
Cop: there's a man in your trunk
Me: yea a ???? man
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots.
A snail was mugged by two turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke. Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it. It was a brief case.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old. Unfortunately, the police found it.
Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.
My wife crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
I like my women like I like my marijuana... Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.
Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus". Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".
The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time. The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!
A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat... ...will never tell the police where your marijuana is.
Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those Medellín kids!"