Police Jokes

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Funniest Police Jokes

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Why do police get to protests early? To beat the crowd.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related

Funny Police Jokes

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track. Police think it was race related.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Police arrested two kids yesterday one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Bumped into my ex today... Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

"Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My Cocaine Is So White Police Let It Go With A Warning

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him


Edit: I am not black, nor am i a racist! My aim was to get to the front page and i BOOYAA Mission accomplished.

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force? They wouldn't know who to shoot

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track Police think it may be race related

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week

surrounded by his family

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform, I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd

What's a police officer's favorite gaming console? Wii U Wii U Wii U

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New Police Jokes

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers? Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing" Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

I poisoned my wifes pita dip The police charged me with hummus-cide

A Viagra shipment has been stolen The police are searching for hardened criminals.

A German got pulled over by the Police in France. Police Officer: Name?

German: Heinrich Klimt

Police officer: Age?

German: 32

Police Officer: Occupation?

German: No, no. Just visiting.

Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.

Why do HK police go to work early? To beat the crowds.

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early? A: To beat the crowds.

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas The police verdict? Hummuscide.

Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early? They like to beat the crowd

Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit

Why do Hong Kong police officers wake up so early? To beat the crowd

There was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

I heard on the news, that there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot. The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom Police have said they're looking into it

Why do Hong Kong police wake up so early? They gotta beat the crowds.

Why did the riot police go to work early? They wanted to beat the crowd.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it's race-related.

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over? Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a ???? man

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

I can’t stand people who take drugs Like the police or airport security

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots.

:)

Police officer: So where did the hacker go? Me : I don't know he just ransomware

A snail was mugged by two turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke. Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it. It was a brief case.

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old. Unfortunately, the police found it.

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

My wife crashed our car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

I like my women like I like my marijuana... Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus". Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time. The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I had to report my stolen amazon package The police are still looking for a prime suspect

A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat... ...will never tell the police where your marijuana is.

Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those Medellín kids!"

A shipment of Viagra has been stolen Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

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Long Police Jokes

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “




Edit: Thanks for the gold. Thanks for the comments. Thanks for the abuse - whilst highlighting that it is an unoriginal joke. At no point did I proclaim to have written it, but it is a cracking joke.

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"


The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"


Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night...

...and found a small bag of class A drugs. “It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.” “What for?” I asked. He said, “The drugs.” I said, “What drugs?

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the cop asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”

Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.

“How old are you?” the cop inquired.

“I’m 22, Officer.”

“And the girl—how old is she?”

The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.


I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who quack at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”

The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.

The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.

The officer gapes and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”

“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! if you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, i'll let you go with a warning."

the juggler says, "officer, i don't have my equipment with me, i had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them.

the juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.

meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says "sir, i'm going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle."

the man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, "sorry officer but i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,

Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Lawyer: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Lawyer: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.

Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Lawyer: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "

Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "

Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

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