Donald Trump Jokes

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Funniest Donald Trump Jokes

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said 'Genius'

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb? You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

Funny Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

How much is Donald Trump's life insurance? Just one pence.

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico. Not by choice though.

Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump He said "Genius"

Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

Hitler died in 1945, Donald Trump was born in 1946... Coincidence? No.

Mystery? Maybe.

Hotel? Trivago.

Donald Trump just turned 73 which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it

Why did Donald Trump take Xanax For Hispanic attacks

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason? Fake Noose

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic."

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation. I did and we do.

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Found in your cell, unresponsive.

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive? The United States of America

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea... Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... ...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupée for it.

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? He grows taller.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

Donald Trump is going to be president in 4 days. That..that's it...

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work. The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at? "Donald! Duck!"

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives? America.

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New Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump walks into a bar ......
and set it lower

Who's Donald Trump's least favorite family member? Aunt Tifa.

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot. As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives? The United States of America.

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern? They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Donald Trump But that's comparing apples to oranges

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved? The United States of America.

Someone threw a beer at Donald Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it easily.

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech? When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

What's the difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump? When Joe Biden speaks, you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Donald Trump speaks, you wonder if you've had a stroke.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak 28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year? Your grandparents.

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

When Donald Trump dies he should be buried in a hole that is dug at 15 ft Because down deep he probly ain't such a bad guy

What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump? Pardon me.

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said “Genius”

Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!” “Impeach.”

Congress will never impeach Donald Trump. Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

It’s said that Donald Trump was given everything on a silver platter when he was born Kind of fitting that impeachment will be the first thing he earns.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Greenland? Greenland's not for sale.

What do you get when you cross Donald Trump and Bill Clinton? Murdered in a jail cell.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a light bulb? You tell him it was put there by Obama.

Q: Why don't Republicans want to impeach Donald Trump. A: Because they believe a baby must be carried full term.

What do Donald Trump and a razor have in common? They both make bush look better.

People keep talking about how they’re going to raid Area 51 Don’t they know that Donald Trump is moving all the aliens to Mexico?

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky" He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming Would be a lot cooler if he did

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges.

What's the differnce between Donald Trump and an iPad? Trick question, you shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives? America.

Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register? Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

I think if Steve Jobs was alive he would be a better president than Donald Trump But then again that’s like comparing apples to oranges

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now I would have a pence

You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump. Apples vs. oranges.

I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese. Part of his plan to make America grate again.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump? Apples and oranges.

Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM? Because it’s 10am in Moscow during business hours.

How would Donald Trump have said "grab em by the p***y" if he was a Communist? SEIZE THE MEANS OF REPRODUCTION

Why did Melania blow Donald Trump? She thought if she kissed a toad he'd finally become a prince.

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Long Donald Trump Jokes

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘

Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘

Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasen‘t noticed yet.‘

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

The Pope, Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and a third grade child are flying on a small plane.

The pilot, Captain Heelspurs, runs into trouble and realizes they’re going to crash. He races to the cabin, grabs a parachute, and bails, hollering, “There are three parachutes left. You guys are on your own.”

Angela Merkel says, “Since I’m the leader of the free world now, I need to survive.” She takes a parachute and exits the plane.

Donald Trump says, “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world, so I get a parachute too,” and off he goes.

The Pope tells the third grader, “Don’t worry, my child. I’ve lived a long and miraculous life. You take the parachute, and I’ll go down with the plane.”

“That’s okay, sir,” says the child. “There are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack.”

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets finished first, and when the barber tries to apply some cologne to it, Donald goes nuts "Are you out of your mind? I can't go to my house smelling like I've been in a brothel. Melania would go crazy".

Right at that point the other barber finishes doing Barack's hair and goes, "So Mr. President, I guess you won't like cologne either?"

"I don't have a problem with that", says Barack with half smile on his face; "Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like."

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.

"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane

The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger , the Pope , said to the 4th passenger , a 10 year old schoolboy , " My son , I am old and don't have many years left , you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said , " That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

Donald Trump and Barrak Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

EDIT : damn I didn't think this would get so much attention, and yes I am very well aware that I spelled OhBummer's name incorrectly. AND THANKS FOR THE GOLD KIND STRANGER

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

​

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

​

As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

​

Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse.

​

The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?'

​

Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’

​

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"

The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," says Trump, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Washington's clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

"Tremendous" says Trump. "And whose clock is that one?"

The angel responds, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"So, where's my clock?" Asks Trump

"Oh, your clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...

So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:

Jesus! What did you tell them?

What you told me to;

"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"

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