Christmas Jokes

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Funniest Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes

My Son is such a c**t... I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" so I bought her nothing

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early) The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital? Do you see what I see?

Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because Oct31 = Dec25

What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls

I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts? Because all the other letters were "not E"

I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas He got me a toaster.

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... They are due back at the library today.

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids... ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break. Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present.. Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates. "Oh no..."

"What's wrong"

"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"

A man goes into his bosses office Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?

Boss: Absolutely not.

Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.

What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common? The balls are for decoration only

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What's the difference between mistletoe and cameltoe? No joke here. I'm asking early. Just tired of getting thrown out of Christmas parties.

My son is such a miserable c*nt Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift? Gloves. Just Joking.
He still hasn't opened the gift.

What does the pope have in common with a Christmas tree? Both have balls just for decoration.

I am not worried about getting sick. I wash my hands religiously. Every Christmas and Easter.

I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band. Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house. He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you texted "k"

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it

My kids got me a stud finder for Christmas When I held it up to myself, nothing happened. But it did find the naked man in my wife's closet.

I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I replied "No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually"

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(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)

Some people take Christmas way too serious... It's 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!

Christmas sweater I got another sweater for Christmas. Another goddamn sweater. Why can’t I get a moaner or a screamer?!

How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments? The ornaments can be rehung again next year.

This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe It hurt like the dickens

Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity? To see the manger.

What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner?? "Cumin! Tis' the season!"

What do the Pope and a Christmas Tree have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...” Who’s there?
“Centipede”
Centipede who?
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”

North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present. I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles!

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas Eve!! :D


Sorry everyone. I no longer use FB so you have now inherited my yearly Christmas post.


Happy Holidays everyone :)

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out Must be from my uncle Ben

Men aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve

Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

What she wanted most for Christmas This Christmas my wife said she’d like nothing more than a new car.

So I’m getting her what she wanted most.

Twas the night before Christmas When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car.

What did Adam say on the 23rd of December? It's Christmas eve eve, Eve

Sorry guys, Christmas is canceled. Mary admitted everything.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear.

Who is the king of christmas music? Elfis Presently

Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel! This will be for the Christmas period only

What do Christmas Lights and Jeffery Epstein have in common? The don't hang themselves.

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December.... I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas decorations have in common? They don't hang themselves.

Ho ho ho!, everybody!

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common? They don’t hang themselves.

What does getting a Christmas gift and having a kid have in common? It's usually way more fun to play with the box it came in.

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Long Christmas Jokes

A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

Edit: Thank you for the gold.. One day I may do the analysis on how many commented on the joke, the superfluous use of nationalities, or scoring the joke with rice... Gotta look that one up.

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

EDIT: Wow thank you everyone! My first post that got more THEN 1 UPVOTE! :D

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it’s raining," says the man.



"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Are you coming?

Teacher : What's wrong? Why do you have a black eye?

John: Our house is very small. My mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, "John are you sleeping?" Then I say "No" & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye.

Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer.

The following morning John comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness, Why the black eye again ?

John: Dad asked me again, John are you sleeping ? I shut up & kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a Hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?" Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered "Yes." They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, **I'm coming too.**"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

Divorce

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Santa's bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Three men stand at the gates of Heaven...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven."
 
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
 
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and she drops her gown, standing there in her bra and underwear. "ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you knoooow" he responds. "If I take off my bra, will you stay?" and she takes off her bra. "Ho ho ho, santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you knoooow". "If I take off my panties will you stay?" and she takes off her panties, standing there naked. Then Santa says "Hey hey hey, Santa's gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with a stiffy in his way!".

We, men, do have good memory..

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

Three men died on Christmas Eve

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?”

The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well…at least I don’t have cancer…”

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.

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