I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
OCT 31 = DEC 25
My Son is such a c**t... I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])
I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”
He said, “It's May.”
“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”
Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" so I bought her nothing
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus It's the little things that count
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?
It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks
Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…
Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up.
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because Oct31 = Dec25
What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls
What did the handless boy get for Christmas?
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas... Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween? DEC 25 == OCT 31
I was buying a Christmas tree the guy said "are you going to put it up yourself" I said "no it's going in the living room"
My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas. I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...
A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?" Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read
EDIT: Thanks for the gild you lovely person.
I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living... My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!! Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
What do Christmas lights have in common with jeffery Epstein They dont hang themselves
two blondes in a forest
In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."
I went to shop to buy a Christmas tree.
The man in the shop asked if I'll put it up myself.
I said that I'll actually put it in the living room.
People are seriously still shooting fire works on July 9?!? One almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.
I got a lump of coal last Christmas... Jokes on you Santa! I’m too poor to afford heating!
Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August? Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.
I got my kid a puppy for Christmas but it died. Now all I have is this puppy.
When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas, she said "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her nothing....
Where do you go to have a white Christmas in the 1940s? Germany
A man was picking out a Christmas tree
A man was picking out a Christmas tree.
When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."
What did the deaf, mute, paraplegic get for Christmas? Cancer
Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..
he can call him missile toe.
Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
My wife makes me feel like christmas I only come once a year
What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner? The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.
What's colored and looks good hanging from a tree... Christmas ornaments.
Darth Vader is fighting Luke Skywalker...
Darth Vader says to Luke: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke: "How could you possibly know?"
Vader: "I felt your presents."
I got a bald person hair gel for Christmas. She immediately started crying when she opened it. I guess the chemo makes her emotional.
I named my Christmas decoration made of $100 dollar bills Aretha Franklin
What did the homeless guy get for christmas? Pretty hungry
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all of the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
What's the best thing about being a Meth addict? Only 3 sleeps until Christmas!
I bought my wife a kitchen mixer for Christmas and she hasn't opened it yet which is great because I am going to give it to her for Mother's Day.
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
I got my kid a puppy, but it died the night before Christmas... Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense... And that's how I saved Christmas...
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas! Gloves! ^Just ^kidding ^- ^he ^hasn't ^opened ^them ^yet
Who wasn't hungry on Christmas? The Turkey, he was stuffed!
Why are meth heads so excited for Christmas? It's only three sleeps away
I floss religiously. I do it on Christmas and Easter.
At least George Micheal wasn't a liar. Last Christmas he gave us his heart.
Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas? Because it's Boxing Day!
Why is christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"... was about the coroner?
I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.
The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas They have sensed our presents
Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you... I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.
People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy
Giving Christmas presents always reminds me of what myself and Lil Wayne have in common We're both terrible wrappers
A man buys a Christmas tree.
As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."
I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...
The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."
What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music? One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.
What does the KKK member dream of during the holidays? A White Christmas.
Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison? Treeson.
Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust? Easy Bake Ovens
I'm so poor I'm so poor that for Christmas my mom cut a hole in my pants so I would have something to play with.
Merry christmas and happy new year! - Internet explorer
Came out to my parents at Christmas. Later that day my nephew asked to play hide and go seek. Now I'm back in the closet.
Enthusiasm 365 days until Christmas and people already have their trees up.
What is the favorite Christmas Carol of the Aryan brotherhood? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
What does a drug addict and a child have in common? They both want tablets for Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all the paranoia sufferers out there.... Just remember, you are not alone.....
What does ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful. A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.