Christmas Jokes

Contents

Funniest Christmas Jokes

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.

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Funny Christmas Jokes
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Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas? Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25

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My Son is such a c**t... I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Score: 4058

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])

Score: 1900

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?” He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Score: 1888

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

Score: 1582

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

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I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" so I bought her nothing

Score: 1491

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

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For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus It's the little things that count

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What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early) The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.

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What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?

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It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

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For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

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my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks

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Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

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How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…

Score: 388

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...

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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

Score: 358

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

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I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread

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At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

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I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up.

Score: 301

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.

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Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because Oct31 = Dec25

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What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls

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I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas... Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Score: 103

I was buying a Christmas tree the guy said "are you going to put it up yourself" I said "no it's going in the living room"

Score: 98

two blondes in a forest In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."

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I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.

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The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas They have sensed our presents

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People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

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A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

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When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas, she said "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her nothing....

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Darth Vader is fighting Luke Skywalker... Darth Vader says to Luke: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke: "How could you possibly know?"
Vader: "I felt your presents."

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People are seriously still shooting fire works on July 9?!? One almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

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New Christmas Jokes

What do Christmas lights have in common with jeffery Epstein They dont hang themselves

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What happened to the dog that ate a Christmas tree? He farted a cracker.

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Thanks to the idiots who set off fireworks last night. It's only October! You scared my dogs so much that they knocked over my Christmas tree!

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I've got a Christmas cracker joke so good it can't wait. Why do crackers love Santa? Because he's white.

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Sherlock joke (my first post here) Patient: \**dying of cancer*\* No chance for you to be a doctor this time, Mr Homes!

Doctor: Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high functioning homeopath. Merry Christmas! \**cuts off morphine supply\**

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What's a Klan members favorite song? White Christmas!

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I went to shop to buy a Christmas tree. The man in the shop asked if I'll put it up myself.

I said that I'll actually put it in the living room.

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I got a lump of coal last Christmas... Jokes on you Santa! I’m too poor to afford heating!

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So this is how gullible my best friend is, I told her to come quickly because Father Christmas was talking to Caitlin Jenner She says, no, I don't believe you, Caitlin Jenner isn't real.

I cant believe she's 30 and still believes in Santa!

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What did the flat-earther say when he got a frisbee for Christmas? Oh boy! A basketball!

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Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August? Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

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Hey! You know, they've started offering free meditation retreats at the North Pole! Turns out the Christmas elves are really present minded.

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I've just ordered a book called Overcome Procrastination I intend to read it over the Christmas holiday.

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What did the snowman want for Christmas? A snowblower.

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My mate wished me a Merry Christmas earlier. A bit early, yes, but he suffers from premature congratulation.

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A kid asks his mom: "Mom, why am I getting a Christmas gift in August?" The mom answers:

\- Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

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What happened to the Portuguese man when he got no presents for Christmas? He got post-Natal depression

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I got my kid a puppy for Christmas but it died. Now all I have is this puppy.

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I made snow angels this Christmas... My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

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Cinderella was waiting for her christmas photos to be sent in the mail. Even though they were very late she stayed positive, thinking: ‘One day my prints will come’.

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What did the paraplegic 8 year old get for Christmas? #Cancer.

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Why did Donald Trump keep adding decorations to the Christmas Tree? Because people kept shouting "moron" at him.

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I hope I get $100 of bitcoin as a Christmas present I mean $120.23

EDIT $97.56

EDIT 2 $103.55

EDIT 3 $111.47

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Whats Donald Trumps favorite Christmas movie? White Christmas.

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Where do you go to have a white Christmas in the 1940s? Germany

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A man was picking out a Christmas tree A man was picking out a Christmas tree.

When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

Score: 20

What do all Muslim girls want for Christmas? Blow up dolls.

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What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes? Jew-ish

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What did the deaf, mute, paraplegic get for Christmas? Cancer

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What do you call a raven that delivers Christmas Presents? Santa Claws

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My friend wants to look more like Kurt Cobain. I'm getting him a shotgun for Christmas.

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What does Rick Grimes do at Christmas? Go Christmas CORALing

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Jokes on this subreddit is every Christmas present from an old person... You get it, you appreciate the thought, but then you give it away to someone else in a slightly different packaging without a second thought.

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What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.

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George Michael was jus here... And then wham!
It was his last Christmas

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Last Christmas, George Michael's heart gave up... Now he's never gonna dance again.

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So I guess 2016 was George Michael's Last Christmas

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Santa was late delivering presents on Christmas because his reindeer needed so many coffee breaks They were all star bucks

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I feel sorry for those who are unable to afford food and drink this season. You know it's bad when Mariah Carey can't even afford juice. She is so hard pressed that she even made a song about it. You know, all she wants for Christmas is juice.

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What's the pimp saying to his staff on Christmas? Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!

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A man buys a Christmas tree. As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."

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A guy wore a Hanukkah shirt to a Christmas party... He was in the Menorah Tee.

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My co-workers must be atheists because they hate when I greet them "Merry Christmas!" It doesn't seem to matter whether I greet them from over or under the bathroom stall.

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I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop... The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."

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What am I not taking on Christmas this year? Noels

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What Christmas carol will Donald Trump be singing all month? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

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Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august? "Because it's cheaper than chemo"

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I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.

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What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman? Christmas.

He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.

Also his parents are dead.

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If the majority of people in the US celebrate Christmas Then the amount of people that celebrate Hanukkah are in the menorahty

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I like my women how I like my Christmas trees. Illegally taken in the forest.

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What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl

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Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.

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I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with... He brought me a pair of trousers with holes in the pockets.


Merry Christmas everyone!

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Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

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What does a drug addict and a child have in common? They both want tablets for Christmas.

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Merry Christmas to all the paranoia sufferers out there.... Just remember, you are not alone.....

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What does ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.

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some jokes I came up with when I was 10-13 years old *what does Santa want for Christmas? Hoe Hoe Hoes
*what do hunters like to do? Shoot birds
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*what did the tree say when the math teacher passed by? Gee-I'm-a-tree

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Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful. A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.

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