My Son is such a c**t... I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" so I bought her nothing
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts? Because all the other letters were "not E"
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... They are due back at the library today.
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids... ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break. Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.
If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present.. Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.
"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?
Boss: Absolutely not.
Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
What's the difference between mistletoe and cameltoe? No joke here. I'm asking early. Just tired of getting thrown out of Christmas parties.
My son is such a miserable c*nt Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?
Gloves. Just Joking.
He still hasn't opened the gift.
What does the pope have in common with a Christmas tree? Both have balls just for decoration.
I am not worried about getting sick. I wash my hands religiously. Every Christmas and Easter.
A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.
He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"
The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."
My kids got me a stud finder for Christmas When I held it up to myself, nothing happened. But it did find the naked man in my wife's closet.
I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied "No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually"
(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)
Some people take Christmas way too serious... It's 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!
Christmas sweater I got another sweater for Christmas. Another goddamn sweater. Why can’t I get a moaner or a screamer?!
How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide
What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments? The ornaments can be rehung again next year.
What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner?? "Cumin! Tis' the season!"
My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...”
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”
North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present. I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.
What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve!! :D
Sorry everyone. I no longer use FB so you have now inherited my yearly Christmas post.
Happy Holidays everyone :)
Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween because DEC(25) = OCT(31)
What she wanted most for Christmas
This Christmas my wife said she’d like nothing more than a new car.
So I’m getting her what she wanted most.
Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector
With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear.
Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel! This will be for the Christmas period only
So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December.... I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas decorations have in common?
They don't hang themselves.
Ho ho ho!, everybody!