I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
OCT 31 = DEC 25
My Son is such a c**t... I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])
I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”
He said, “It's May.”
“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”
Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" so I bought her nothing
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus It's the little things that count
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?
It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks
Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…
Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up.
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because Oct31 = Dec25
What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls
So I got a thesaurus for Christmas... but it is nothing to write house about.
A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?" Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas? Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.
I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.
The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas They have sensed our presents
When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas, she said "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her nothing....
People are seriously still shooting fire works on July 9?!? One almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.
A man buys a Christmas tree.
As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."
I like my women how I like my Christmas trees. Illegally taken in the forest.
A man was picking out a Christmas tree
A man was picking out a Christmas tree.
When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."
What do Christmas lights have in common with jeffery Epstein They dont hang themselves
What happened to the dog that ate a Christmas tree? He farted a cracker.
Thanks to the idiots who set off fireworks last night. It's only October! You scared my dogs so much that they knocked over my Christmas tree!
For Christmas I'm getting myself a 4K TV. That's gonna be my new year's resolution.
I think Santa Claus is my dad. A month before Christmas when I was 10 I wrote Santa a letter asking him to bring my dad home for Christmas. That Christmas neither of them showed up.
Sherlock joke (my first post here)
Patient: \**dying of cancer*\* No chance for you to be a doctor this time, Mr Homes!
Doctor: Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high functioning homeopath. Merry Christmas! \**cuts off morphine supply\**
What's a Klan members favorite song? White Christmas!
I went to shop to buy a Christmas tree.
The man in the shop asked if I'll put it up myself.
I said that I'll actually put it in the living room.
So this is how gullible my best friend is, I told her to come quickly because Father Christmas was talking to Caitlin Jenner
She says, no, I don't believe you, Caitlin Jenner isn't real.
I cant believe she's 30 and still believes in Santa!
What did the flat-earther say when he got a frisbee for Christmas? Oh boy! A basketball!
Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward? Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace' So I bought her nothing. And now we're divorced :(
If you were born on the September 16th, you were more than likely conceived on Christmas Day. I was actually born on September 15th, so Christmas came early for my mum.
A teenager buys his mom some coffee mugs for Christmas... The mom says, "not this again, you already gave me an ugly mug 16 years ago."
I've just ordered a book called Overcome Procrastination I intend to read it over the Christmas holiday.
What did the Italian barista say when he received a new car for his christmas bonus? It's a merry car, no?
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding he is still opening his present.
What did the snowman want for Christmas? A snowblower.
My mate wished me a Merry Christmas earlier. A bit early, yes, but he suffers from premature congratulation.
What happened to the Portuguese man when he got no presents for Christmas? He got post-Natal depression
I got my kid a puppy for Christmas but it died. Now all I have is this puppy.
What do you call someone that tells Christmas jokes? A Christmas card
Cinderella was waiting for her christmas photos to be sent in the mail. Even though they were very late she stayed positive, thinking: ‘One day my prints will come’.
Christmas is like a normal day at the office. You do all the work, but the fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
What did the paraplegic 8 year old get for Christmas? #Cancer.
I'm going to make sure to get in a good workout before going to the office Christmas party. They're having an ugly sweater contest.
Why did Donald Trump keep adding decorations to the Christmas Tree? Because people kept shouting "moron" at him.
I hope I get $100 of bitcoin as a Christmas present
I mean $120.23
EDIT 2 $103.55
EDIT 3 $111.47
Whats Donald Trumps favorite Christmas movie? White Christmas.
Where do you go to have a white Christmas in the 1940s? Germany
Merry Christmas from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Death Vader: Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas.
Darth Vader: I felt your presents...
What do all Muslim girls want for Christmas? Blow up dolls.
What do you call a raven that delivers Christmas Presents? Santa Claws
My friend wants to look more like Kurt Cobain. I'm getting him a shotgun for Christmas.
What does Rick Grimes do at Christmas? Go Christmas CORALing
Jokes on this subreddit is every Christmas present from an old person... You get it, you appreciate the thought, but then you give it away to someone else in a slightly different packaging without a second thought.
What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.
George Michael was jus here...
And then wham!
It was his last Christmas
I hadn't heard any news about George Michael for nearly a year... And then Wham! Last Christmas.
Last Christmas, George Michael's heart gave up... Now he's never gonna dance again.
So I guess 2016 was George Michael's Last Christmas
Santa was late delivering presents on Christmas because his reindeer needed so many coffee breaks They were all star bucks
I feel sorry for those who are unable to afford food and drink this season. You know it's bad when Mariah Carey can't even afford juice. She is so hard pressed that she even made a song about it. You know, all she wants for Christmas is juice.
What's the pimp saying to his staff on Christmas? Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!
My co-workers must be atheists because they hate when I greet them "Merry Christmas!" It doesn't seem to matter whether I greet them from over or under the bathroom stall.
What am I not taking on Christmas this year? Noels
What Christmas carol will Donald Trump be singing all month? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas? he raps his presents
Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august? "Because it's cheaper than chemo"
I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.
What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman?
He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.
Also his parents are dead.
What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl
Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.
Luke got Darth Vader a Christmas Present.
Darth Vader: Luke... I know what you got me for Christmas...
Luke: Nooo! No! No!! How could you possibly know?!?!
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
I'm going to do my Christmas shopping in Missouri. I hear the deals are so hot the stores are practically on fire!
He says to his wife: "Sleeping with you is like Christmas, Birthday and the 4th of July in a single moment." To which she replies: "Well, each of those dates is just once per year too."
some jokes I came up with when I was 10-13 years old
*what does Santa want for Christmas? Hoe Hoe Hoes
*what do hunters like to do? Shoot birds
*what did the tree say when the math teacher passed by? Gee-I'm-a-tree
What did the racist ask Santa for? A white Christmas.
Some good news for insomniacs... ... only 3 more sleeps until Christmas!
What did the little black boy get for Christmas? Your bike.