Zombie Jokes

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Funniest Zombie Jokes

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner "Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

Funny Zombie Jokes

Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover? Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.

What does a buff zombie want? Gaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnssssss.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grrrains.

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything? GaaAAAiiNnns!!

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day. Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns.
Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins.
Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

What does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!

What does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAAINS!!

Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse? The living room.

What do you call a zombie with a hickey? A necromancer.

RIP GEORGE A ROMERO

Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion? Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains

What does a vegan zombie eat? Ggrrraaaaiiinnnnssssss

Dyslexic Zombie What does a dyslexic zombie eat?

Brians

What do zombie vegans eat? Grrrraaaaaaiiiinsssss

What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grainsss...

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaiiiinns

What did the zombie say when he walked into the wrong tomb? I have made a grave mistake.

What do you call a zombie father? The Walking Dad

Why did the Zombie miss her wedding? Cold feet

A zombie walks into a bar. Bartender: We don’t serve zombies around here!

Zombie: That’s fine. Is the human fresh?

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

vegan zombie what does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAINS

What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington? He starved to death.

I was engaged to a zombie but it fell apart.

What Does a Vegetarian Zombie Eat? Coma patients.

Why don't you give a zombie mashed potatoes? Because they're already a little grave-y.

Zombie Apocalypse has begun... Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

I bought zombie insurance recently it was a no brainer

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

What did the dyslexic Zombie crave? Brians

What does a vegan zombie moan? graaaiins...

What do zombie vegans eat? ... Grains!!!

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed? An arm and a leg.

What does a Vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaiiiins!

And they love to tell you about it.

What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens? The Bawking Dead

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

I'm reading a book about a zombie dog. Can't put it down.

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New Zombie Jokes

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested? They get habeas corpus.

Why did the zombie get a job in the ICU? Because he was a vegetarian....ok I'll see my way out

What is it called when a zombie makes a lame joke? A groaner.

A robber and a zombie meet in a dark forest The robber demands: "Give me all you've got!"

The zombie replies: "Over my dead body!"

What does a vegetarian zombie eat? GRRRAAAIIINNNS!!

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin? Parmageddon

The reason why anti-vaxxers don't worry about a zombie apocalypse arising is.... because they don't have a brain

Zombies What does a vegan zombie say?

"Grains! Grains! Grains!...

You know that dude who played the Joker, right? He's starring in a new zombie flick. The Joaquin Dead.

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse... ...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

A zombie walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

So two zombies walk out of the bar.

When Harry Belafonte dies ...will he be a part of the Zombie Apocalypso?

When Ted Cruz rises from the grave during a zombie apocalypse... It'll be the Zodiac Thriller.

Axl Rose seems like a good name for a zombie or a vampire... way better than Keith Richards.

In case of an actual zombie apocalypse, your best bet is going to a Costco. There are tons of food, thick concrete walls, and the zombies can't get in without a membership.

(Not mine originally but definitely one of my favorites!)

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out? Then catch a train to Wuhan.

What did the vegan zombie eat when he had a horrible headache? My grrrrrraaaaaainnnnnns

What does the vegan zombie eat? GRAAAAIIINNNS...

Costco would be the best place to go in the event of a zombie apocalypse. They have food, water, entertainment, loads of room, and best of all, you can't get in without showing your membership card!

Yo mamma is so stupid... If a zombie walked up to eat her brain, it'd just keep on walking.

Halp! I am in desperate need of a zombie donut joke! Anybody got anything?

Best parts of having a zombie SO They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

What did one Australian zombie say to the other? Good eye.

sp0ok what do zombie cows say?

Graaaains

​

what do ghost cows say?

mOOoOOOoOooOooo

What does a vegetarian zombie moan? "Grains!!"

Why did the zombie never laugh at jokes? Because he was always so dead serious.

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese? A Zombrie

Why don't zombies post zombie memes? Because it's a dead meme.

Got one of those email chain forwards that said if I didn't forward it to five people, a zombie would appear in my closet at night. Guess who's getting laid tonight?

Zombie joke Whats a zombie's favourite dessert?

A Brain Freeze

Zombie Clowns If you are attacked by a pack of ravenous zombie Clowns.. go for the juggler.

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today. He thought it was delicious.

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with? You give it a piece of your mind...

What does a vegan zombie say? ...grains.... ...grains.....

How many Q: How many friends does a zombie have?

A: Skele-TONS

I went to a zombie party I guess you can say is that I was the life of the party

Why did the female zombie join the online dating site? Because she wanted to find Mr. Wight.

​

I know its lame, but I wrote it myself, so I was proud.

What's the difference between a Halloween zombie and an Easter zombie? Well, there aren't many actually. For example, they both like *RawBits*.

Did you know that Rob Zombie is actually a cannibal and a terrible cook? I went to a dinner party at his house. The main course was more cumin than human.

What does a vegan zombie eat? Grains.
Thank you.

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Long Zombie Jokes

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

Last week was my 40th birthday.

I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

In my birthday suit.

A werewolf, a vampire, and a zombie went into a bar.

The werewolf says to the bartender "give me pure gasoline" to which he drank without batting an eye.


The zombie says "give me pure poison", he gives out a purple puff of smoke after consuming it.


The vampire says "one hot water please", the werewolf and the zombie bursts into a fit of laughter when suddenly, the vampire pulls out a used tampon out of his pocket, dips it in the water and made tea.

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

My 40th birthday

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

The Zombie Bunny of Doom!

I walked out into my yard to find my dog tearing up the lawn with a bunny in its mouth. This was a very unusual sight because my dog always chased bunnies but never caught them. I took a closer look and realized in horror that the bunny belonged to my neighbors.

My family had had some “issues” with these people in the past, and I did not want to deal with another confrontation. I knew what I had to do, and it was not going to be pleasant.

I forced my dog to drop the bunny, which by now was covered in doggy slobber, mud, and dried blood. Using a pair of kitchen tongs, I threw it into the shower. I let water run over it until the water was a pure white, and I got my mom’s hair dryer and fluffed it up until this bunny looked good.

Once my neighbors left to get the mail, I saw my opportunity. I hopped their fence and set up the fluffy, dead bunny in its cage looking better than it ever had been. When I heard my neighbors coming, I scrambled back over the fence.

Not two seconds later, I heard a blood curdling scream from the neighbors’ house. Acting like a good neighbor, I rushed to the fence and said, “What happened, what happened?”

The neighbor looks at me, her face ghost-white, and says, “Two weeks ago, the bunny died, and he’s back!!!”

A zombie is at the butcher shop.

A zombie is at a butcher shop for the undead. He tells the butcher, "Give me 40 pounds of human brain and 60 human legs. And keep them in the boxes, they're going straight in my truck."

The butcher says, "Do you need a hand with that?"

Canadian zombie apocalypse

A man is in Toronto and there's nothing but havoc. People are eating eachother alive, people are running scared and others are transforming infront of their eyes. He notices a man lurching over beside him before puking blood in his face, and he tells him, "I...want...to eat...your brains!!" He cries, "No! Please!" Surprisingly, the zombie is taken aback and says: "Oh, no, sorry, so sorry, you know what it's like, eh, gotta eat tasty brains and there ain't many, eh..."

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits...

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits, so they took him to the zombie pediatrician.

“I don’t understand what’s going on!” Mrs. Zombie complained. “We’ve been trying to get him to start harvesting and eating solid brains, but he’s doing it all wrong.”

Mr. Zombie chimed in. “Whenever he locates a meal, he attacks his prey by going through the front of the head instead of sneaking up from behind and going through the back like we taught him.”

The pediatrician looked at them reassuringly. “I hear this all the time. There’s nothing to be worried about. It’s just a face he’s going through.”

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