Snow Jokes

Contents

Funniest Snow Jokes

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch

Funny Snow Jokes

Snow isn't a problem in Muslim countries, but ISIS

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground. Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in

Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White. The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening. He gets furious and turns red.

"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.

"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."

"Oh. That's not so bad."

"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White? 'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.

*Joke's from my Dad and his friend*

Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week They exchanged numbers

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Just look for the fresh prints.

Friends are like snow when you pee on them, they disappear.

What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls. Ha

Snow isn’t a problem in Muslim countries... But ISIS

Why was the snowman smiling? He heard the snow blower coming

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Donald Trump is like Jon Snow He's obsessed with the wall and he knows nothing

Snow White and the 7 Dwarves were all in bed feeling happy Happy left soon afterwards, so they started feeling grumpy

Why was the snow yellow? Elsa let it go.

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snow bank.

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

What's the difference between Switzerland and Columbia? In Switzerland, snow is measured in meters, in Columbia in kilograms.

Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy... At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White? Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!

What is the difference between a snow woman and a snow man? Snowballs.

Our parents had to walk uphill both ways in 2 feet of snow to get to school... But they didn't have to dodge bullets when they get there.

Why do Indians hate the snow so much? Because its white and occupies all of their land.

What do you call a ripped yeti? The abdominal snow man.

Password. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

I needed a password eight characters long... ... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms.. Turns out i was using a snow globe...

What did the seven dwarfs say when the Prince awoke Snow White? "Guess it's back to jerking off."

I needed a password 8 characters long .. .. so I used Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Snow in the forecast... ...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"

What's red and has 7 dents in it? Snow whites cherry!

What do you call a hooker in a snow storm? Frostitute

What's red and has seven dents in it? Snow whites cherry.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snow balls.

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New Snow Jokes

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms .. It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

What’s red and has 7 little dents? Snow White’s Cherry

An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area. This is snow joke.

After six months of winter all the snow finally melted. Noice

I needed the best/worst password possible that was 8 characters long. Guess what I picked... **"I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."**

​

Sorry I was *short* on time for this one!

In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet But I did not in hail

What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot

What fruit has seven dents. Snow whites cherry.

What do you call an ugly old woman who dies of hypothermia? A snow crone.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland? She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

Breaking news! Snow White down to six dwarves... ...Sneezy has been quarentined by the CDC

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time... The man looks at the tree.

"Only one last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

Disney Corp is so paranoid about the Coronavirus, they re-released the Snow White movie under another name It's now called, Snow White and the 6 Dwarfs.

What did the snow say to the fence? “Did you catch my drift?”

Snow white now have 6 dwarfs. Because sneezy is under quarantine.

You know this Coronavirus thing is bad When Snow White is down to 6 dwarves. I just heard sneezy is now in quarantine

Snow White is down to six dwarfs. Sneezy has been quarantined!

Cops are like snow days We love them when we’re young, and hate them when we’re older.

What's the difference between normal snow and German snow? Normal snow falls

and German snow captures the land.

Do you have any good snow jokes? No, but I do love cocaine.

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer." Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

Why did Snow White get kicked out Disney World? She threw Pinocchio on the ground, sat on his face, and said "Lie to me!".

Snow isn’t a problem is Islamic countries but.... ISIS

What is pink, soft, and dented? Snow White’s hymen...

I needed a password has to be eight characters long. That's easy - I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming

Did you hear about the guy who got hospitalised in Antarctica? He’s snow longer alive.

Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth? They have snow friends.

What did the snow plougher say to the car drivers before clearing snow Snow problem

My password needed eight characters So I chose Snow White and the seven dwarves

What would have happened if Hank Snow married June Carter? Six inches of Snow in June.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were in bed, feeling Happy Happy got out, so they started feeling Grumpy

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were all in bed, feeling Happy Happy got out, so they started feeling Grumpy

Snow isn’t a problem is Muslim Countries but... ...ISIS

What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy? Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.

Trump wants to buy Greenland Trump wants to buy Greenland. That way when climate change removes the last bit of snow from the area, he can proclaim that he achieved what no one else in history could. He made Greenland, green again.

What do friends and snow flakes have in common? They all disappear the moment you pee on them.

What happens when you go inside in a snow suit? It melts.

Eskimo prostitutes. Are they considered snow blowers?

I hear Disney is doing a live-action remake of Snow White... ...one of the dwarves is rumored to be played by Bagel Boss Short King.

I think he’ll play Bashful.

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Long Snow Jokes

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. You are isolated, and the land is a desert. You will work every day and will get very little in return. It will be harsh, but you will be hardened by it. You will find it hard, but you will call it home.”

The Australians reply “This is so unfair, why do the Canadians get good land and prosperity and we only get the harsh land, the scraps!?”

He replies “They do. But I didn’t tell the Canadians about their neighbours.”

​

Sorry if I offend anyone, this is my first post here.

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

"Will it snow soon?" He asks.

"Yes" they reply, and it looks like it'll be very bad.

So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.

"The spirits have spoken!" He told them "The snow will be coming soon and be very bad, we must prepare and cut more lumber!"

For the next week the tribe works night and day cutting firewood. It no snow comes and they approached the new shaman again.

"We see no signs of snow" they cried "The spirits must be wrong. Please go and make sure they said it would snow."

"I will go and speak with the spirits again. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe continues cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

"Are you sure it will snow soon?" He asks.

"Yes" they reply, and it looks like it'll be very bad.much worse than we thought the first time."

So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.

"It will be a terrible snow! We must work harder to ensure our survival this winter!" He told the tribe. And so the tribe worked even harder, clearing the land for firewood but still the snow never came.

A week later the the tribe approached the shaman again.

"Surely this must be enough firewood, we've cut down so many of our trees and still no snow.Please make sure the spirits are correct."

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

"Are you positive it will snow soon?" He asks.

"Yes, dreadfully bad! Impossibly bad!" they reply.

"How can you tell it will be so bad?" He asks

"Well our maps don't show a cloud in the sky but the local Indian tribe has cut down half a damn forest for firewood!"

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"

Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

Vacation in Jamaica

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.  Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What
is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' the black  man says.

Every night they meet and every night  she asks him again what his
name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her
last  night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black  man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,'  the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!'  the  black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter, and the black man gets mad and  says, ' I knew you
would make fun of it'.

The  lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm  thinking of
my husband who won't believe me when I  tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches
of Snow every day in  Jamaica.???

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

Bad news, good news, really great news

Hopefully not a repost -
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow".

A Blond Joke from Minnesota.....

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when a blonde named Sherry got off work.She made her way to her car and
wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She
finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get
stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and
she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been
following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her
daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted,
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Credit to /u/Bidonet

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

A blonde in a snowstorm

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Anyone else experiencing bad weather?

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern tip of Connecticut. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

White House Lawn Vandalized

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the lawn, he sees "Donald Trump Sucks" written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off.

He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight! The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news.

Which do you want first?"

Trump says "Give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence's urine."

Trump says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. … Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Melania's handwriting

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow. When she gets home, she sees that his paws are frozen solid, and caked with ice! The next day she takes her dog to the vet, and asks
"can you shave my dog's paws so that snow doesn't get stuck in his fur?" The vet responds
"Shaving isn't the best option for dog paws, you should go to the drugstore and use some Nair shampoo instead." At the drugstore, the woman goes to check out with her bottle of Nair. Upon seeing this, the pharmacist says
"If you're using this on your legs, be sure not to shave for three days to avoid irritation." The woman responds
"No, it's not for my legs" The pharmacist says
"Well, if you're using this on your underarms, don't use deodorant for three days to avoid irritation there." The woman says
"Oh, no, it's for my Schnauzer." The pharmacist responds
"In that case, when you're done, don't ride your bike for a while."



-My barber told this one, today.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard…

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.

The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The engineer shot himself in the face.

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