Eye Jokes

Contents

Funniest Eye Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Funny Eye Jokes

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance? “Thank you for your service”

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor... A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes? Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and... a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house... I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse... I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

How can you tell if an orange is male or female? If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso. The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

So I was dating a girl who had a lazy eye It would have worked out, but it turns out she was seeing someone on the side

What did the left eye say to the right eye? "Between you and me, something smells"

(Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

I went to the eye doctor. Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.


Me: Can I see them?


Eye doctor: Probably not.

How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at? Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

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New Eye Jokes

"YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!" \- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.

&#x200B;

(credit goes to my mom)

Why do teenage girls travel in odd-numbered groups? Because they can’t even.

(Best delivered with sass and an eye roll).

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day... I stopped seeing her for a while.

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up. The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he’s my cousin.

Two blondes are in a dog park One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"

The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

A Ukrainian guy goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.

The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"

"Read it?" the guy replies, "I know the guy!"

My cross eyed wife and I are getting a divorce.. We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

What’s even worse though, is that found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Two blondes are walking through the park... One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"

The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning... Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

So my 6yo tells me a joke What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells!

I’m a big fan of Eye jokes, The cornea the better

A Russian goes to the eye doctor The doctor points to a chart on the wall:

N P U K H N R A X B T

The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”

The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”

My deaf girlfriend started talking in her sleep again. Nearly poked my eye out.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor? Everyone.

I have the eye of the tiger... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night... She nearly poked my eye out!

Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."

I've started dating a 6'9 woman recently... We're having trouble seeing eye to eye on a lot of things however.

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses? Eyerony

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up. Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

I make bad puns. That's how eye roll.

My cross eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn’t see eye to eye.

To make matters worse, I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Not all eye jokes are bad Some are cornea than others

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!" So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year... So I can see in 2020

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye It always felt like she was seeing someone on the side though

You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you out them in a microwave.

Asian guy goes to a eye doctor After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first? Her eye sight

When my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I winked. She bought me eye drops.

How do you spell odin? With one eye

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers? They can’t control their pupils!

Does anyone know any eye jokes? The cornea the better.

A Polish Immigrant applies for a driver's license First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest. Then we see eye to eye.

Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind? He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, the eye of a tiger.. ..and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye But she was seeing someone on the side.

Don’t run with bag pipes. You could poke out an eye out or worse... Get kilt.

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Long Eye Jokes

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

edit: FUCKYEAH tnx for the upvotes, kind strangers

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

A traveler enters a pub.

The barkeep says, "Welcome! What are you drinking?" The traveler, weary from her long journey, responds simply, "Your finest ale, please." The barkeep tells her, "Brilliant." As he pours her a pint of his finest ale, he makes her an offer.



"Since you are a first time customer, I will offer you a gift I offer all of my first time customers." The traveler blushed and nodded at the bartender, who was easy on her eyes.



"You may choose either this first pint of ale is free or instead you may pay for the beer and I will give you a piece of valuable advice." The traveler pondered this for a moment, knowing her coin purse is light.



"Though my purse is light, barkeep, I am intrigued by your offer. I will pay for my ale, now pleade share your valuable advice." The barkeep grinned, counting the coins she had given him, looked her in the eye and said, "You should've taken the free pint."

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waiving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, nothing has really caught my eye quite yet.

SK: Well we have all kinds of wonderful products but to me, it looks like you are a man of sophistication and great taste, and I think I have a new product that could be perfect for you sent here personally by Mr. Wonka just today.

Man: Mr. Wonka you say, you have my attention.

SK: He noticed that laffy taffy was only bringing joy to the younger customers so he developed a mint with a nice calming flavour and while it's dissolving in your mouth it tells you a joke.

Man: That actually sounds pretty nice, I haven't heard a decent joke in a while.

SK: Why don't I let you try a few to see what you think.

The man puts one in his mouth and starts to smile and by the end of the mint he is letting out a decent laugh.

Man: That wasn't half bad, may I try another?

SK: Be my guest.

As the second dissolves in the man's mouth he is almost in tears from laughing, and he can barely catch his breath.

Man: WOW these are fantastic, Mr. Wonka outdid himself with these, laffy taffy definitely could never compare in flavour or quality of jokes. I don't know how but I bet the best jokes are always in the calm mints.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from her eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

I was about to propose to my girlfriend

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

edit: credit to tumblr user chefpyro

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".*

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.

She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - "whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.

The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.

The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.

The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says "what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"

Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave "but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sent to meet the manager.

The manager : so tell me , how do you get $100 a day ?

The boy : well, everyday i have a bet with a different guy.

The manager : about what ?

The boy : about the fact that i can kiss my right eye !

Then the manager replies : haha no way…

The boy : we can bet if you really want to…

the manager was confident and gave his consent to the boy… few seconds later the boy takes off his ocular prosthesis and kiss it.

the manager felt so stupid that he asked the young boy to give him back his $100. The boy agreed to give it back but under one condition.

The boy : Let's have another bet… i'm pretty sure that you are wearin red girly panties, i'f 'im wrong i will give you back your $100 plus another $100 for this bet.

The manager is feeling over confident cause he knows that he isnt wearing this kind of panties and said yes.

Then the boy said again: but before you get undressed we need to have 10 eyewitnesses to make it legit.

The manager was ok about it and called all his staff. After taking off his pants, the manager felt happy cause he just won $100, but he then notice that the young boy was so happy about losing his money that he asked him.

How can you be so happy about losing your money?

The boy replied : well i had a bet with your staff about how many minutes i'll need to make you take off your pants... and guess who won ?!

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.

After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds
and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes
the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is
your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"
. . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few
minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on
that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.”

“Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

“But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks.

“Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.”

John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says the elderly guy. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

The old guy says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
The elderly guy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
The old guy then says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell he isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
The elderly guy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with his attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ the elderly person asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

The old guy stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But the elderly guy's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when He told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it'

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