Eye Jokes

Contents

Funniest Eye Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089
Funny Eye Jokes
Score: 6086

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 5712

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 3265

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Score: 3209

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 2658

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Score: 2584

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 2470

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Score: 2258

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

Score: 1203

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Score: 840

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 638

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Score: 631

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Score: 625

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 616

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 510

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.

Score: 432

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor... A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

Score: 331

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 317

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 316

If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

Score: 312

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

Score: 304

So a foreign exchange student asks me: "Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

Score: 261

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Score: 260

My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

Score: 226

The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

Score: 211

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Score: 206

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

Score: 174

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

My gf told me I should not say anything about her friend's right lazy eye When I met her friend I complimented her on how athletic her left eye was

Score: 61

Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye? Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

Score: 50

Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye... But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 46

What do you call a kid with one eye and a pirate's leg? Names

Score: 33

Why cant an eye doctor count to 3? They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?

Score: 28

What do you call a kid with no legs and one eye? Names.

Score: 27

A guy asked a pharmacist for a box of 50 condoms behind the counter. Two cute girls who were standing behind him giggled. The guy turned and looked the girls in the eye and still talking to the pharmacist said Make it 52.

Score: 17

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.

Score: 15

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract".

And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".

Score: 14

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New Eye Jokes

What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears? Ugly

Score: 8

Q: Why do KGB agents operate in groups of three? A: One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

Score: 3

Did you here about the bbq murderer? He thought he left no eye witness, but coleslaw it

Score: 2

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"

Score: 3

The surgery was done and I could open my eyes for the first time. It was an eye opening experience

Score: 3

I dumped a girl i was with because of her lazy eye Turns out we could never see eye to eye on anything.

Score: 2

What is yellow and deadly if it hits your eye? A train.

Score: 3

What do you call a crappy Muslim eye clinic? Asif Eyecare

Score: 5

What’cha call a dear with one eye? No idea

Score: 3

I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into. Everyone!

Score: 12

At a disfigured children's ball... A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.

"Oh boy, would I!"

The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

Score: 3

Who do Australians hunt with one eye? Because a bad eye can’t

But a good-eye-might

Score: 7

Following is the chat between my two friends last night F1 : Everyone look at the moon to spot Jupiter(yesterday Jupiter was visible for naked eye)

F2 : I would rather look at Jupiter to spot Jupiter

Score: 2

I went to the eye doctor today and they said I could see the future They told me I have 2020 vision

Score: 4

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Score: 10

Yesterday I got on an elevator and pressed the button for the highest floor on the building. To my surprise, I got there in just a blink of an eye. That escalated quickly.

Score: 3

Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website. Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!

Score: 2

My Wife had successful eye surgery Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

Score: 9

My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me.. When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.

Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, “good eye mike!”

Score: 4

As i was leaving the library today, a couple were giving me the bad eye. How rude... I don't know what I did to be honest. It all happened after I placed a book titled 'Ethiopian Cuisine' in the Fiction section.

Score: 2

I had an appointment with my eye doctor cause I thought I was going blind. Something came up so I couldn’t see him today.

Score: 2

The girl with a lazy eye I met today was looking just right ...and left

Score: 2

What do you call a kid with one leg, one eye, one arm, asthma and tons of acne? Names.

Score: 2

Take everyone's eye lids and noone bats an eye. Take everyone's brains and everybody loses their minds.

Score: 10

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Score: 4

Have you hear the joke about the twin eyeless cyclopses? No? Neither have eye...

Score: 2

Don't date a girl who just got hit in the eye with a softball. She's a bad catch.

Score: 4

Never go out with someone with lazy eye. They'll always be seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 5

What kind of medicine makes you look down... ...eye drops.

Score: 3

A man calls the IRS office "Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."

"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"

"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."

Score: 7

Racist joke I heard from The Sopranos A Chinese man walks into the eye doctors

The doctor said “I know why you have trouble seeing, you have a cataract.”

The Chinese man said “No, I drive a Lincoln.”

Score: 2

What’s a Heron with only one eye? Heroin.

Score: 4

Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job? He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.

Score: 2

What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby? Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 14

The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

Score: 7

My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.

Score: 4

Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!

Score: 5

What did the one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.

Score: 13

A guy with a lazy eye is sitting at a bar... drinking his sorrows away. The bartender notices the man is upset and asks, "What's wrong buddy?"

The guy says, "Well my wife left me, she thought I was seeing someone on the side."

Score: 4

What did the Australian optometrist say? Good eye, mate!

Score: 2

Do you know why New Zealand has banned blind people from bungee jumping? It kept scaring the life out of the seeing eye dogs.

Score: 5

I've had it with my girlfriend and her lazy eye. She keeps seeing guys on the side.

Score: 4

As far as ocular wordplay goes... *Eye* can't think of a *cornea*-r pun than this!

Score: 2

Why do Australians hunt with one eye Because a bad eye can't

But a good eye might

Score: 4

What do you call a a man with no arms and wears an eye patch? Names.

Score: 2

Why was Sherlock Holmes such a successful detective in Australia? Because he had a good eye.

(Read out loud)

Score: 2

What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists? Methodists will make eye contact at the liquor store.

Score: 1

How many times can look at the sun with a telescope? You can do this twice.

One time with you right eye and one with your left!

Score: 2

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty? Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 6

Why did the blind couple get divorced? They couldn't see eye to eye

Score: 2

How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.

Score: 9

A raconteur walked into a bar theres more to life then meets the eye

Score: 2

I shadowed an opthamolologic surgeon today. The experience was really eye opening.

Score: 2

An asian man goes to the eye doctor... The doctor says to him "I know why you're not seeing so well, you have a cataract"

The asian man says "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental"

Score: 3

I want to make a joke about my eye doctor. But it sounded very cornea.

Score: 2

What do you call a boy with no arms and an eye patch? Names!

-Bo Burnham

Score: 3

A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"

Score: 3

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.

Score: 9

An asian man goes to the eye doctor... Doctor: "Sir you have cataracts."
Asian man: "No I drive a honda."

Score: 3

It's not PC to give your wife a black eye You should really be giving her an african american eye

Score: 9

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