Eye Jokes

Contents

Funniest Eye Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089
Funny Eye Jokes
Score: 6086

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 5712

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 3265

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Score: 3209

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 2658

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Score: 2584

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 2470

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Score: 2258

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

Score: 1203

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Score: 840

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 638

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Score: 631

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Score: 625

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 616

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 510

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.

Score: 432

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor... A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

Score: 331

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 317

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 316

If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

Score: 312

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

Score: 304

So a foreign exchange student asks me: "Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

Score: 261

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Score: 260

My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

Score: 226

The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

Score: 211

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Score: 206

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

Score: 174

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

My gf told me I should not say anything about her friend's right lazy eye When I met her friend I complimented her on how athletic her left eye was

Score: 61

Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye... But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 46

What do you call a kid with one eye and a pirate's leg? Names

Score: 33

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three? One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Score: 33

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor? Everyone.

Score: 25

I dumped my girlfriend who had a lazy eye I thought she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 21

If you remove everyone's eyelashes, no one bats an eye. But if you remove everyone's Brains, everyone loses their minds.

Score: 21

My Dad told me this one today An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."


My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious

Score: 19

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.

Score: 15

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New Eye Jokes

My eye doctor lied to me He said I have perfect 2020.

Score: 1

Why do female deer have the best eye sight? Because hind sight is always 20/20

Score: 0

Did you here about the bbq murderer? He thought he left no eye witness, but coleslaw it

Score: 2

What did one Australian zombie say to the other? Good eye.

Score: 1

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"

Score: 3

The surgery was done and I could open my eyes for the first time. It was an eye opening experience

Score: 3

I dumped a girl i was with because of her lazy eye Turns out we could never see eye to eye on anything.

Score: 2

What do you call a rooster with a piece of lettuce over it’s eye? Chicken sees-a-salad

Score: 1

What is yellow and deadly if it hits your eye? A train.

Score: 3

After pioneering eye surgery, I can see exactly 12 months into the future I have 2020 vision

Score: 1

What do you call a crappy Muslim eye clinic? Asif Eyecare

Score: 5

What’cha call a dear with one eye? No idea

Score: 3

I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into. Everyone!

Score: 12

Wy did Arthur Morgan visit the eye doctor? Because he was having a deadeye

Score: 1

What's the Three-Eyed Raven's Least Favorite Band? Third Eye Blind

Score: 1

At a disfigured children's ball... A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.

"Oh boy, would I!"

The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

Score: 3

Why do Australians hunt with one eye? Because a bad eye can’t

But a good-eye-might

Score: 1

I went to the eye doctor today and they said I could see the future They told me I have 2020 vision

Score: 4

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Score: 10

Yesterday I got on an elevator and pressed the button for the highest floor on the building. To my surprise, I got there in just a blink of an eye. That escalated quickly.

Score: 3

My Wife had successful eye surgery Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

Score: 9

A man goes to a doctor complainimg of pain in the eye everytime he drank coffee. The Doctor replied, 'Next time take the spoon out before you drink'.

Score: 0

My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me.. When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.

Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, “good eye mike!”

Score: 4

As i was leaving the library today, a couple were giving me the bad eye. How rude... I don't know what I did to be honest. It all happened after I placed a book titled 'Ethiopian Cuisine' in the Fiction section.

Score: 2

Why do North Korean police travel in groups of 3? You need one to read.

You need one to write.

And you need a third to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

Score: 3

I had an appointment with my eye doctor cause I thought I was going blind. Something came up so I couldn’t see him today.

Score: 2

The girl with a lazy eye I met today was looking just right ...and left

Score: 2

Take everyone's eye lids and noone bats an eye. Take everyone's brains and everybody loses their minds.

Score: 10

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Score: 4

Never go out with someone with lazy eye. They'll always be seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 5

There is an old expression that goes like this, a hobo with one eye is good luck But a homeless man with three eyes is the winner.

Score: 1

What kind of medicine makes you look down... ...eye drops.

Score: 3

Racist joke I heard from The Sopranos A Chinese man walks into the eye doctors

The doctor said “I know why you have trouble seeing, you have a cataract.”

The Chinese man said “No, I drive a Lincoln.”

Score: 2

What’s a Heron with only one eye? Heroin.

Score: 4

They're building an attraction on the Thames to celebrate Mary Poppins It's called the London umdiddleiddleumdiddle eye

Score: 1

Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job? He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.

Score: 2

The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

Score: 7

I made this joke up when I was falling asleep! What do you call a blind optometrist?

"Eye-rony" !!!!

Score: 4

My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.

Score: 4

Eye doctors are in for a surprise tomorrow They won't see it coming

Score: 1

Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!

Score: 5

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian? He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

Score: 8

A guy with a lazy eye is sitting at a bar... drinking his sorrows away. The bartender notices the man is upset and asks, "What's wrong buddy?"

The guy says, "Well my wife left me, she thought I was seeing someone on the side."

Score: 4

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."

To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

Score: 8

The cashier at the bakery is getting really annoyed with my jokes each morning. She gives me the best eye roll every time I go in.

Score: 1

I've had it with my girlfriend and her lazy eye. She keeps seeing guys on the side.

Score: 4

Disclaimer warned about herpes of the eye I said to my friend "Herpes of the eye?! They are doing it wrong."
Friend says "She had to see it coming."

Score: 1

I recently dated a girl with a lazy eye. Had to dump her after a week though, I'm pretty sure she was seeing somebody on the side.

Score: 8

A woman with a lazy eye was having an affair.. They said she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 3

What do you call a a man with no arms and wears an eye patch? Names.

Score: 2

Why was Sherlock Holmes such a successful detective in Australia? Because he had a good eye.

(Read out loud)

Score: 2

When does brown and white make pink? When the brown eye mixes with the white eye, you get pink eye!

Score: 1

The genius and the pool player A genius walks into a bar and says, "I have 200 IQ!"

The pool player replies, "I have an eye cue too!" and pokes the genius in the eye.

Score: 2

I think my optometrist is falling in love with me... Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, "Eye care for you"

Score: 11

I want to make a joke about my eye doctor. But it sounded very cornea.

Score: 2

What do you call a boy with no arms and an eye patch? Names!

-Bo Burnham

Score: 3

A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"

Score: 3

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.

Score: 9

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer! What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye-deer!

Score: 5

NEVER challenge a chinese man If he says he can do something in the blink of an eye, chances are he's gonna be quicker than you.

Score: 1

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