Eye Jokes

Contents

Funniest Eye Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089
Funny Eye Jokes
Score: 6086

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 5712

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 3265

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Score: 3209

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 2658

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Score: 2584

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 2470

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Score: 2258

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

Score: 1203

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Score: 840

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 638

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Score: 631

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Score: 625

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 616

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 510

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.

Score: 432

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor... A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

Score: 331

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 317

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 316

If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

Score: 312

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

Score: 304

So a foreign exchange student asks me: "Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

Score: 261

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Score: 260

My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

Score: 226

The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

Score: 211

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Score: 206

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

Score: 174

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria. One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

Score: 99

My gf told me I should not say anything about her friend's right lazy eye When I met her friend I complimented her on how athletic her left eye was

Score: 61

Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye? Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

Score: 50

My eye doctor told me he could fix my vision with witchcraft. At least he's opti-mystic.

Score: 48

I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee... My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

Score: 42

A Russian goes to the eye doctor The doctor points to a chart on the wall:

N P U K H N R A X B T

The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”

The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”

Score: 35

I love that tower in France I hear it's an eye full

Score: 34

What do you call a kid with one eye and a pirate's leg? Names

Score: 33

What do you call a kid with no legs and one eye? Names.

Score: 27

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New Eye Jokes

Q: Why do KGB agents operate in groups of three? A: One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

Score: 3

Did you here about the bbq murderer? He thought he left no eye witness, but coleslaw it

Score: 2

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"

Score: 3

A Russian goes to the Eye Doctor The eye doctor points to a chart on the wall with a bunch of letters:

“N C Z H K R A T Y O P V”

The doctor asks the Russian “Can you read that for me?”

The Russian responds “_Read_ that? I even know the guy.”

Score: 4

The surgery was done and I could open my eyes for the first time. It was an eye opening experience

Score: 3

My deaf girlfriend started talking in her sleep again. Nearly poked my eye out.

Score: 26

I dumped a girl i was with because of her lazy eye Turns out we could never see eye to eye on anything.

Score: 2

What is yellow and deadly if it hits your eye? A train.

Score: 3

A friend told me that he looks at life with rose colored glasses I said, "It's called Pink Eye"

Score: 2

What do you call a crappy Muslim eye clinic? Asif Eyecare

Score: 5

What do you call an eye doctor living on an Alaskan island An optical Aleutian

Score: 13

What’cha call a dear with one eye? No idea

Score: 3

At a disfigured children's ball... A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.

"Oh boy, would I!"

The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

Score: 3

I went to the eye doctor today and they said I could see the future They told me I have 2020 vision

Score: 4

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Score: 10

Yesterday I got on an elevator and pressed the button for the highest floor on the building. To my surprise, I got there in just a blink of an eye. That escalated quickly.

Score: 3

My Wife had successful eye surgery Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

Score: 9

Why don't paraplegic people like eye contact? Idunno, they just really not a fan of stares.

Score: 2

I came up with some new eye makeup that tastes good too... it's called Chicken Tikka Mascara

Score: 3

Why do North Korean police travel in groups of 3? You need one to read.

You need one to write.

And you need a third to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

Score: 3

I had an appointment with my eye doctor cause I thought I was going blind. Something came up so I couldn’t see him today.

Score: 2

The girl with a lazy eye I met today was looking just right ...and left

Score: 2

What do you call a kid with one leg, one eye, one arm, asthma and tons of acne? Names.

Score: 2

I bought a see-through dress, and my husband must be embarassed... everytime I wear it, he doesn't look me in the eye.

Score: 3

Take everyone's eye lids and noone bats an eye. Take everyone's brains and everybody loses their minds.

Score: 10

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Score: 4

Have you hear the joke about the twin eyeless cyclopses? No? Neither have eye...

Score: 2

I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I? ugly

Score: 6

Never go out with someone with lazy eye. They'll always be seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 5

What kind of medicine makes you look down... ...eye drops.

Score: 3

My friend Ray just passed away :( He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

Score: 11

Racist joke I heard from The Sopranos A Chinese man walks into the eye doctors

The doctor said “I know why you have trouble seeing, you have a cataract.”

The Chinese man said “No, I drive a Lincoln.”

Score: 2

Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job? He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.

Score: 2

What do you call an eye doctor living in Alaska? An optical Aleutian.

Score: 3

The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

Score: 7

My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.

Score: 4

I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot I kid you not, that's what it was

Score: 4

What did the one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.

Score: 13

A guy with a lazy eye is sitting at a bar... drinking his sorrows away. The bartender notices the man is upset and asks, "What's wrong buddy?"

The guy says, "Well my wife left me, she thought I was seeing someone on the side."

Score: 4

What did the Australian optometrist say? Good eye, mate!

Score: 2

I got arrested for spiking a girl's drink at a volleyball game. I nearly broke my hand and took someone's eye out with the bottle.

Score: 7

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."

To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

Score: 8

I've had it with my girlfriend and her lazy eye. She keeps seeing guys on the side.

Score: 4

Disclaimer warned about herpes of the eye I said to my friend "Herpes of the eye?! They are doing it wrong."
Friend says "She had to see it coming."

Score: 1

I recently dated a girl with a lazy eye. Had to dump her after a week though, I'm pretty sure she was seeing somebody on the side.

Score: 8

A woman with a lazy eye was having an affair.. They said she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 3

What do you call a a man with no arms and wears an eye patch? Names.

Score: 2

Why was Sherlock Holmes such a successful detective in Australia? Because he had a good eye.

(Read out loud)

Score: 2

Last night I woke up in the middle of dreaming about the meaning of life. It was very eye opening.

Score: 5

When does brown and white make pink? When the brown eye mixes with the white eye, you get pink eye!

Score: 1

An man goes to the optometrist Dr. Li sits him down and begins to go through a full eye exam.

"Oh, no" the doctor says. "I think you have a cataract".

"Nah, Doc" the man replies. "I drive a Porsche"

Score: 3

It is nearly impossible to find an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. They are all optical Aleutians.

Score: 5

Doctor Patient eye joke Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Score: 1

The genius and the pool player A genius walks into a bar and says, "I have 200 IQ!"

The pool player replies, "I have an eye cue too!" and pokes the genius in the eye.

Score: 2

I want to make a joke about my eye doctor. But it sounded very cornea.

Score: 2

A redneck looks at a Mexican right in the eye and says, "how does it feel to marry my ex wife and have my sloppy seconds?" "not bad," replies Juan,"after 2.5 inches deep she felt brand new"

Score: 1

A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"

Score: 3

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.

Score: 9

NEVER challenge a chinese man If he says he can do something in the blink of an eye, chances are he's gonna be quicker than you.

Score: 1

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.

Score: 15

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