Hilarious Eye Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Eye Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089

Score: 6086

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 5712

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 3265

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Score: 3209

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 2658

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Score: 2584

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 2470

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Score: 2258

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

Score: 1203

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Score: 840

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 638

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Score: 631

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Score: 625

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 616

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 510

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.

Score: 432

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor... A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

Score: 331

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 317

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 316

If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

Score: 312

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

Score: 304

So a foreign exchange student asks me: "Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

Score: 261

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Score: 260

My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

Score: 226

The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

Score: 211

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Score: 206

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

Score: 174

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse... I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

Score: 139

I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Score: 137

I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

Score: 100

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I broke up with her, though. She was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 99

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria. One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

Score: 99

I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye They were dentical twins

Score: 98

A Russian visiting America A RUSSIAN visiting America, went for an eye check-up.
The doctor shows him the letters on the board: CZWVNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this?
Russian: Read? I even know the guy. He's my cousin!

Score: 94

His cousin A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 87

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters: G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

Score: 72

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie.... That’s a moray

Score: 62

New Eye Jokes

What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears? Ugly

Score: 8

A guy asked a pharmacist for a box of 50 condoms behind the counter. Two cute girls who were standing behind him giggled. The guy turned and looked the girls in the eye and still talking to the pharmacist said Make it 52.

Score: 17

I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into. Everyone!

Score: 12

Who do Australians hunt with one eye? Because a bad eye can’t

But a good-eye-might

Score: 7

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Score: 10

My Wife had successful eye surgery Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

Score: 9

What do you call a kid with no legs and one eye? Names.

Score: 27

Take everyone's eye lids and noone bats an eye. Take everyone's brains and everybody loses their minds.

Score: 10

A man calls the IRS office "Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."

"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"

"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."

Score: 7

I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend We could never see eye to eye

Score: 9

If you have a bee in your hand, what's in your eye? Beauty, cause beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

Score: 19

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm... I think I might be artistic.

Score: 7

What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby? Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 14

The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

Score: 7

I have some bad eye puns. But my friend's are cornea.

Score: 23

How do you find the eye of a hurricane? Look near the c!

Score: 11

I just spoke to my lazy eye surgeon. I wish he was more energetic.

Score: 19

Why was the herd of well-sighted deer so smart? It was full of good eye deers.

Score: 12

I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right.

....but I really want to win the glasses.

Score: 37

If I am holding a bee, what is in my eye? Beauty.

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Score: 23

Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye... But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Score: 46

A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.

The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

Score: 34

A man with a black eye Walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says 'Wow, rough night?.' The man replies back, 'no my dads a panda.'

Score: 9

Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three? One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

Score: 45

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian? He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

Score: 8

What did the one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.

Score: 13

Why cant an eye doctor count to 3? They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?

Score: 28

A eye for a eye makes the whole world,,, Pirates

Score: 6

A Pole went for an eye check up A Pole went for an eye check up.

The doctor showed the letters on the board:
CXWSNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Pole: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 28

I got arrested for spiking a girl's drink at a volleyball game. I nearly broke my hand and took someone's eye out with the bottle.

Score: 7

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."

To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

Score: 8

I had a crush on a girl with a lazy eye..... We never hooked up, she was always seeing someone else.

Score: 11

Do you know why New Zealand has banned blind people from bungee jumping? It kept scaring the life out of the seeing eye dogs.

Score: 5

Read a book about a lonely cyclops. It's called, "Me, Myself and Eye."

Score: 10

I dumped my girlfriend who had a lazy eye I thought she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 21

Got laser eye surgery last month Still can't fire lasers out of my eyes. Am I doing it wrong? Should I get a refund?

Score: 14

Bad puns That's how eye roll

Score: 18

What do you call a chef with one eye? Chief

Score: 13

The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.

Score: 12

Last night my deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep... She almost took my eye out.

Score: 30

I’m not Deaf I shouted to the barmaid, “Two pints of lager please.”
She said, “I’m not deaf.”
I said, “Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.”

Score: 7

Patient vs Doctor Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Score: 14

Did you hear... United now offers Red Eye and Black Eye flights?

Score: 8

Cars 3 Prediction. Mcqueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him: Shia LaBus.

Score: 19

Father and son go on a kayaking tour When they get home Mom notices he has a swollen black eye.

Mom: "Omg, what happened to your eye?"

Son: "There was a huge mosquito in the kayak"

Mom: "Did he bite you?"

Son: "Nope, Dad killed it with the paddle"

Score: 5

I recently dated a girl with a lazy eye. Had to dump her after a week though, I'm pretty sure she was seeing somebody on the side.

Score: 8

I watched this documentary about retina surgery.. It was eye opening.

Score: 6

What do you call a kid with no arms or legs and an eye patch? Names.

Score: 25

Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest? Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.

Score: 9

What do you get when you cross a blue eye and a brown eye? Pink eye

Score: 7

Girlfriend told me she wanted to see our kids so I came in her eye

Score: 40

Why can't two blind people get along? They can't see eye to eye.

Score: 14

Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye? Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

Score: 50

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty? Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 6

How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.

Score: 9

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract".

And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".

Score: 14

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.

Score: 9

My gf told me I should not say anything about her friend's right lazy eye When I met her friend I complimented her on how athletic her left eye was

Score: 61

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.

Score: 15

It's not PC to give your wife a black eye You should really be giving her an african american eye

Score: 9